Can early life experiences truly shape a lifelong commitment to values like compassion and humanism, and what are some examples?

I do have memories of events in my early life, pointing to an awareness of what I thought was inhumane.

When animals or people were treated with cruelty, I used to have tears rolling down my face.

I was called a “cry baby”, because I was so easily driven to tears.

I was driven to tears, sometimes out of self-pity, which is a form of compassion for oneself.

I was also frequently driven to tears, out of compassion for the suffering of other living things-  human beings and animals.

If I plucked up the courage to reach out, I reached out.

As I grew older, I hardened to indifference, unkindness, and cruelty - whether aimed towards me, towards other people, towards animals..

I realized this indifference, because a few people around me had the compassion that I no longer showed - my friend, Anita, for example - who had, and still has, an amazing compassion for animals.

I was happy for the existence of people, such as Anita.

Some things have stuck in my head from those days - such as my maid Theresa telling me not not kill the ants that were running around our kitchen, because in her words, "they were seeking food to store for winter."

By my early 30's, the hardening was complete, and resulted in me doing some unkind things, which I truly regret...

Minoo Jha

· 7y

What is the most important life lesson you've learned after growing up?

Hi, You asked, What is the most important life lesson you've learned after growing up? That kindness is more important than generosity. As a young adult, I was generous, but I was not kind. This story is a classic example of how I was generous and not kind… The Gold Chain When I got married, I moved into the home where my husband lived with his brother and his dad. Working for them was Pushpa, their maid, who had been with the family for a long time. I knew Pushpa from before I got married, because she had been doing part time housecleaning and cooking for me at my bachelorette pad. Like all maids in India at the time, Pushpa was poor and lived a hard-scrabble life. Her home was a thatched hut in a slum, and everything - from food to clothes to medicines, to keeping her hut from collapsing when it rained - was a challenge. Pushpa's pay wasn't sufficient for all her expenses, so she would ask my father-in-law for additional money during the month. When my husband came home from work, my father in law would say to him, "Pushpa needs x rupees for medicine. Can you give me that to give to her." I felt sorry for Pushpa and decided to reach out to her secretly. When she and I were alone, I said to her, "Pushpa, I would like to give you some additional money on the side, so you don't have to ask Sir (my father in law) for money every other week. This can be just between you and me – Sir or Rakesh or Shreekant needn’t know about it.Can you tell me an amount that would be helpful for you to get." Now Pushpa was not a greedy soul, and she didn't know what amount to propose. She shyly replied, "I don't know Ma". So I made the decision for both of us. I said, "I'll tell you what. You are getting 2000 rupees every month from Sir. How about I give you another 2000 rupees? Here, take this." And with that, I gave Pushpa 2000 rupees, effectively doubling her pay. (I was earning a good income and I can assure you this was not financially difficult for me at all, so please don't think I was anyone great for doing this.) A month went by. One day, my husband and me arrived home from work together. As we entered the door, my father in law said, "Ah, Shreekant…..can you give me 400 rupees to give to Pushpa for medicine." I felt a flash of anger. I had expected that once Pushpa started getting the extra 2000 rupees from me, she would stop asking my father-in-law for money during the month. “How dare she ask for this money after I have doubled her pay!” I thought to myself. Of course I couldn't talk to anyone about this, since I was giving her the money in secret. At the first opportunity I could get her alone, I confronted her about it, "Why are you still asking Sir for extra money? I doubled your pay. You should not be needing to ask for 300 rupees here, 300 rupees there anymore." She looked embarrassed and never replied. I felt a great need to solve the situation once in for all, thinking mightily of my powers to do so. "Ok, I will tell you what, Pushpa," I said, "I will give you 3000 rupees instead of 2000 rupees every month secretly from my own pocket. This should cover you for anything and everything that comes up during the month. Agreed?" She nodded her head and I handed her an additional 1000 rupees which she gratefully accepted. A month went by. And, oh no. Yes, you guessed right. I hear my father in law say to my husband, "Ah, Shreekant…..give me 400 rupees to give to Pushpa. She needs to buy something for her family." It was like waving a red flag to a bull. I had expected that the extra 3000 rupees would have put a full stop to this. I could not understand what was going on. Things were not going as planned. Though Pushpa was getting two and a half times her pay, nothing had changed. She was still asking for extra money, as if the extra 3000 rupees did not exist. I couldn't wait for her to come in to work the next day to tackle her. As soon as she got in, and I got her alone, I demanded an answer. "Pushpa, your pay is two and a half times what it used to be. Whatever are you spending the extra money on? " I was taken aback when she sheepishly pointed to a thin gold chain round her neck. She explained..... Apparently she had always wanted a gold chain, but could never afford to buy one. When I started giving her the extra 3000 every month, she was able to enroll in a chit fund and take out a loan to buy a gold chain. Now she was using the money I was giving her every month to pay the loan off. All the extra money was going to pay off the debt she had incurred to buy the gold chain, and none of it to improve her everyday life. Which was why she still had to ask for 300 rupees here and 300 rupees there. I was horribly upset. There was nothing I could do and my hands were tied. I had expected to improve Pushpa's lot in life, but she was at square one, struggling to keep body and soul together, except she now had a gold chain she was really happy and proud to possess which I had made possible. Because of my expectations, it took me several years to come to terms with this. Over the next year, I gradually grew into an expectations monster, and a tyrant with Pushpa, nagging her about everything. Eventually Pushpa left the job because of my nagging and demands. Starting out in childhood as a kind, generous person to her, I turned into a monster. And I didn’t realize it. It was many years later when remorse struck and I regretted my past behavior. It had been inexcusably harsh. Pushpa was such a good soul, and didn’t deserve my harshness. Today, I understand that kindness is superior to generosity, and expectancy is superior to expectations. My kinder attitude has brought perspective as well, and I think about Pushpa’s gold chain purchase differently. It is human to have needs beyond food, clothing and shelter. Even someone in tough circumstances may prefer the beauty and pride of a gold chain to a marginal improvement in comfort. How I wish I could turn back the clock and have been kinder when I was younger.

Changing back to who I was, took a long time, and started only with my mother’s death.

I realized that if I had to pick a model of kindness to aim to be like, my mother was the perfect model.

Her death whispered this truth to me, and I felt a desire to become more like her, to become more like the compassionate child I used to be.

I had gotten lost, but now I decided it was time to find my way back.

Minoo Jha

· 3y

Why is it that family school and environment has a big impact on one's personality?

Because behavior is typically enforced in families and schools. Where behavior is not enforced, impressionable minds learn from example. The example set by our parents can impact us for the rest of our lives. My mother was a beautiful soul, and one of the examples she set for us was to be kind and generous in everything, including her compliments. This had an impact on me and 2of my siblings. I was not aware that I was generous with compliments, until some of my close friends began to comment on it. I wondered where the tendency came from. Then I noticed that an older sister of mine was very generous with her compliments, and I immediately decided my habit of complimenting came from her. But when I spoke to her about it, she told me it came from my mom. My dear mom. A beautiful soul. She left us a legacy of extreme kindness and poetry…

I decided that the best thing I could do to honor my mother’s memory, was to be as kind to my daughter, as she used to be to my daughter.

The work of returning to a more compassionate state had started.

5 years after my mother’s death, I learned to meditate.

I became more self-reflective, after learning to meditate.

Through self-reflection, I identified other ways in which I needed to change...

Minoo Jha

· 3y

Why do some people have a hard time with self-reflection?

Because you will find out that you are not as smart as you think you are, as nice as you think you are, as ethical as you think you are, as honest as you think you are, I could go on and on…. In this piece I wrote, I share my own humbling discoveries about myself - I Thought I Was A Flower I thought I was a flower. Silly me. In so many respects, I am still a bud. And have growing to do. In spite of the sunlight. In spite of the soil. In spite of the water. In spite of the many years I have been on the stalk. I am still a bud. In this respect and that respect. In so many respects. I am still a bud. And I still have growing to do. __ That being the case… Be patient with me. Be patient with me. __ I thought I was a tree. Silly me. I now see. I am just a branch. Of a very big tree. Called humanity. It will take some time. To shake off the idea. That I am not the tree. I have to chip away at the bark. That kept me in the dark. That kept me from seeing all this time. That I am just a part. Of this very big tree. Called humanity. __ Which is why, I ask... Be patient with me. Be patient with me. __ I thought I was the ocean. Silly me. I found out I am just a drop. Among drops and drops and drops. In a vast expanse. That's as wide as it is deep. Beyond what my naked eye can see. When I think about that. I pause. And lift up my hands. And express awe. And then some more. At this amazing vastness I was not aware I was a part of. Isn't it amazing, to think. This little drop that's me. Is part of drops and drops and drops. So vast, it's more than my naked eye can see. And to think I have been living in a bubble that was so tiny. I am glad my eyes have opened. But I have to get used to this. __ So please… Be patient with me. Be patient with me.

Self-reflection is an interior mirror.

Exterior mirrors tell you how you look to other people.

Interior mirrors tell you how you are.

As I get older, and look more and more into this interior mirror, I think back on the steps and missteps I’ve made, on my journey in and out of compassion, and it is clear to me that in this rough and tough world, there is great need for more compassion, and more humanism. Hearts need to soften, my heart most of all.  I am grateful to all the people who have set examples, and opened my eyes to the need for hearts to soften. Hard decisions made with a hard heart, weakens bonds and connection, and leads to rifts. Hard decisions made with a soft heart, increases bonds and connection, bridges the distance between people to bring them closer, and heals rifts. Whatever the situation, love and a soft heart are the way. We would do well to tamp down our expectations, ideas, and carelessly expressed opinions and comments, and to let compassion and connection guide our words and actions, and carry the day.

How do you help a client who has reached their goal weight, but still sees their "old self" in the mirror?

This is where therapy and self-help books are useful.

A self-help classic, (one of the 50 classic self-help books, according to some lists like the Butler-Bowdon list) is Psycho-Cybernetics.

It was written by Maxwell Maltz, a renowned plastic surgeon.

He wrote Psycho-Cybernetics, because he discovered that not all self-esteem problems can be solved by correcting physical flaws.

Some of his patients suffered from low self-esteem problems, even after they underwent plastic surgery, and the flaw that they thought their low self-esteem was due to, was corrected.

Psycho-Cybernetics contains other strategies to boost self-esteem.

You can find a short summary of the book on websites like Short Form.

You can also find the entire PDF of Psycho-Cybernetics online.

I would also recommend the book The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan, if the client is a woman, because women have their own unique set of problems, related to societal expectations of what they are supposed to be like, and what lives they are expected to be happy with.

It is a huge relief when we are able to shake off our self-esteem problems, and our eyes are opened to the fact that what we think is the problem, is not the problem.

And this is what you should aim to do - open their eyes to the fact that weight loss is not the whole answer.

“Bad leads to good”, as I often say.

Your client had to succeed at the weight loss, for both you and them to realize, that their problem is not purely cosmetic.

It is a generalized dissatisfaction problem.

The dissatisfaction will go away, or reduce, only when your client makes meaningful progress in the area of the dissatisfaction.

So my advice is to start by familiarizing yourself with Psycho-Cybernetics and The Feminine Mystique.

Then guide your client towards non-cosmetic improvements in their life.

It is a relief when we can give up our self-absorption and self-indulgence, both of which cast a dark shadow on the life of someone with low self-esteem.