The Element Of Learning How to Handle Things and Its Hope For Being More at Peace With Ourselves

picture courtesy: ehow.com

If you go on the internet, you can find instructions for anything.

A quick scan reveals:

Instructions for how to Build a Personalized Hammer for Father’s Day.

Instructions for how to Create an Edible Mustache.

Instructions for how to Tie a Tie

 

Also instructions for less interesting, but necessary, or useful tasks, such as How to Install a Printer Cartridge.

Or how to Add a Signature to a PDF Document.

Unfortunately instructions are not so easy to find for handling our relationships, or our thoughts, emotions and habits, and our ability to control ourselves.

But we have to learn to do this.

Even if we grow up without the right role models.

If we don’t, we will let someone else’s actions dictate our thoughts and actions - and determine the outcome of our lives, and our futures.

Once upon a time there was a little boy.

When he was 3 years old, his dad was plastering a wall at his house.

Innocently - and not knowing what he was doing, the boy poked a finger into the damp plaster.

His dad saw him do it from across the room and got mad.  In a rage, his dad threw a roof shingle across the room at him.

The roof shingle pierced the boy’s head and lodged in his skull.

He had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency surgery.

The boy grew up with the memory of this terrible incident, as well as other incidents caused by his father’s rages.

Growing up, he was a constant witness to, and a victim of his father’s abuse of himself and his mother. He observed how his mother handled his father's rages with compassion.

When he became an adult, the boy chose to pursue psychology.

He has interested in anger, and the underlying causes for violent expressions of anger.

His studies and research pointed to low self-esteem being the cause of anger. People who were angry harbored severe feelings of shame and guilt - coupled with a lack of empathy for other people’s feelings.

He understood low self esteem was at the heart of many violent crimes.

He decided to dedicate his life to helping people successfully deal with, and overcome their anger issues.

His successes include some of the most hardened criminals in the justice system.

His name is Steven Stosny, or more formally, Dr. Steven Stosny.

He is a living example of how to handle childhood abuse in an enlightened way.

If someone does something to us, we should never think we have only 2 choices, one of which is to run away and seek refuge in something, the other to strike back. 

Fight or flight are not are only answers.

What Dr. Stosny teaches us (and his clients) is that there is a third way, which is developing compassion for ourselves, and for all those who make us suffer, or have made us suffer.

In 1918, when the US entered World War 1, a man enlisted in the US army as a private.

He was 38 years old and had already amassed a fortune of $75,000.

Concerned that he may not come back from the war, he gave his savings to his best friend for safe-keeping.

The war took many lives, but mercifully, his life was spared, and when he was released from duty, which was 14 months later, he was ready to begin his old life again.

One of the first things he did, on his release, was to visit his friend to get his money.

Bad news was waiting for him at his friend’s house.

His friend had committed suicide, and left his wife a widow.

His friend's widow told him, his friend had put both his own money, and the money they had, in a worthless investment, and lost it all.

The shame and grief over the loss had been too much for his friend, and he took his own life.

What do you think the ex-Army Private did?

He accepted the blame for putting “that much temptation” in his friend’s way, and made monthly contributions to the man’s widow, for the next 30 years.

The man’s name was Grantland Rice.  He was the most famous sportswriter of his time.

Even if you don't know his name, you will definitely know these words which he penned –

“For when the One Great Scorer comes
To mark against your name,
He writes - not that you won or lost -
But HOW you played the Game.”

There’s always another way to handle anything.

Leading up to the last 2 elections, and throughout his 2 terms, President Obama has had to endure a lot.  He has had to endure taunts about being black, taunts about his name, accusations he was not born in America.

Did you ever see him lose his cool over any of it?

If we are to succeed, we have to ignore the attempts of people around us to shame us, or bring us down.

We should never let people get under our skin.

We should never ever let challenges or setbacks become sentences in our life, sentencing us to feeling worthless or hopeless.

Every time we have a setback, we should play the Judge and Jury Game recommended in the post, “How to Feel Good About Yourself When the Chips are Down”.

There is a better way to handle anything, even a devastating setback.

In 1990, a 22 year old student of Kenyon College, Ohio, was riding in a car - when she got an attack of nausea.

The nausea continued over days and weeks and months, and was soon accompanied by severe aches and pains - from head to toe, incapacitating her.

After months of going to doctors, they would eventually diagnose her condition as chronic fatigue syndrome.

She dropped out of college, and from then on, her life became that of a house-bound invalid.

In such a condition, many would throw up their hands, and say, “I am an invalid; that’s all my life is good for”.

But the girl did not do that.

She picked a subject that interested her - and started writing a book.

Unable to leave the house, she did all her research at home – either by going online, or via the phone.

She turned out a best-seller. Her book was on the New York Times Non-Fiction Best-Seller list for 30 weeks, and was made into a hit movie in 2003.

Still home-bound, she started to work on a new book soon after.

Her second book was also a hit,  # 1 on the New York Times Non-Fiction Best-Seller List for 52 weeks.

It was picked up by Angelina Jolie, and made into a film.

The girl’s name is Laura Hillenbrand, and the books are Sea Biscuit and Unbroken, movies of which you may have seen.

Laura Hillenbrand chose not to focus on her predicament, but to put her efforts into doing whatever she could - in her predicament. She found the answer in researching and writing.

Are you in a predicament right now?

How are you going to handle that predicament?

Can you put your weight and effort and energy into something like Laura Hillenbrand did?

What are your choices?

We always have more choices for handling a predicament, than the ones we think we have.

Fight or flight choices are not our only choices.

Look at how Grantland Rice handled the discovery that his friend had lost his entire life’s savings.

Look at how Dr. Steven Stosny handled the memory of his father’s rages.

Look at how Laura Hillenbrand handled the fact that she is housebound, and has limited options for what she can do, and what she can't do.

If you've been in fight or flight mode, this could be the turning point in your life.

This could be the moment, when you tell yourself , let’s say your name is Tom, “Tom you are going to handle things differently from now on.”

Start by creating a 10 Toughest Things to Handle List, and coming up with more enlightened, more compassionate responses to each one of them.

We each will have our own 10 Toughest Things to Handle List, but here are some tough situations, many of us will have to handle in our lives:

Someone flies off the handle at you, and says some totally uncalled for things. What’s worse, you’ve been busting your butt - and the person does this, in spite of that?

Someone does not follow your orders.

Someone goes above you.

Someone is more popular and in demand than you, though you are more talented and capable than them, or deserve to be more highly thought of than them.

Someone keeps making the same mistakes again and again.

Someone does not accept your excuse, or apology.

Someone shames you or humiliates you.

Someone rejects you.

And let’s not forget tests of your willpower. Those should go on your 10 Toughest Things to Handle List too - and you should think hard - and plan in advance - about how to deal with them, especially if they have knocked you off your game many times:

How will you handle temptation?

How will you handle greed?

How will you handle fear, or anxiety?

How will you handle shame?

When you are a young adult, and still trying to make sense of the world, you can, and probably will, experiment.

There may be many choices available to you, and you will experiment with one, or more, of them.

Eventually, you will have to learn to look at - and handle - each one of those choices.

You will have to understand what is for you, what is not for you, and what is positively against you.

You will have to learn what to keep, and what to let go, and how to handle the urges that are holding you back, or stealing your peace.

For what is wisdom, after all, but learning what to keep, and what to let go, and how to handle the thoughts or urges that are stealing our peace?

As always, thanks for reading, and have a great day and week….M….a Pearl-Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay, Audrey, Chris, David and Rosie for their compliments on Facebook, and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, pins and votes…..much appreciated.  Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads, both the ones I know, and the ones I don't, and compliments to you on the great job you are doing!

The Element of Understanding Opportunity is a Reward in Itself and Its Hope for Thriving, Not Just Surviving

Each one of us is capable of becoming a Master of Our Own Universe.

If we put our minds, hearts and souls into something, (anything), our hard work, our passion, our dedication will bear fruit.

It starts by recognizing that every opportunity is a reward in itself.

Every opportunity contains the promise of enriching our lives.

When we have an opportunity to try something new, we should think of the opportunity as a reward in itself.

When we have an opportunity to solve a problem, we should think of the opportunity as a reward in itself.

When we have an opportunity to use a talent in a new way, or for a new purpose, we should think of the opportunity as a reward in itself.

When we have an opportunity to put an idea to work, we should think of the opportunity as a reward in itself.

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We can fill our ordinary lives with extraordinary inspiration, by responding to new opportunities with enthusiasm, imagination and energy.

Every opportunity is a chance to be vital, to rediscover ourselves, and reinvigorate our lives.

It goes without saying that coming to America was one of the biggest opportunities in my life.

Yet it was also a tough call for me.

The opportunity disrupted my life, interrupted my career, challenged my confidence, and scattered my professional and social networks.

I had to give up my ideas of who I was, and what I could do, in order to respond to the opportunity of coming to America.

I had no idea how it would all go down.

But I went ahead and did it.

I closed my creative shop Purple Patch, I said goodbye to my copywriting career, I packed my bags, and with a 11 month old baby tucked under my arm, my amazing and precious daughter Tanita, I moved to America.

I soon learned what the Land of Opportunity meant.

It meant I had to learn to do a lot of new things.

The opportunities to learn these new things were all available to me.

It was up to me to use the opportunities.

I remember cracking open a Penny Saver magazine and being surprised to read these words:  Are you finding it difficult to get a job because you have not completed your GED, or you do not have Microsoft Office skills?  Goodwill Institute for Career Development will provide you with free training.

Free training – it was unheard of in India.

I caught 3 buses (I was not yet driving at the time) and after taking a Language and Math test, which was necessary for admission, I enrolled in their Microsoft Office training course and I soon learned Word, Excel, Access and Powerpoint.

That checked off my list, the next thing for me to learn was to drive.

I had got away with not learning to drive in India.  I used autorickshaws to get around, and as soon as Purple Patch was making enough money, I hired a driver to chauffeur me around.

But after my first few days in the San Francisco Bay Area, I understood it would be tough for me to get anything done, unless I learned to drive.

The public transport system, with its infrequent services and limited connections, would severely limit my life.

How would I take Tanita to her doctor’s appointments, how would I pick up diapers and wipes, how would I take her to parks, and most important of all, how would I be able to manage a job, if I didn’t learn to drive?  I would need to drop Tanita off at daycare before work, and pick her up after work.  How would I be able to do that without driving?

And so I enrolled in driving lessons.

Seems you no need this, the driving instructor screamed at me, jerking the rear view mirror away from me, so it didn’t face me.  This tirade was triggered, because I had crossed 4 lanes of the freeway into the carpool lane, without looking at the rear view mirror. There was more to come.

On another occasion, she screamed, I said tree point turn, not u turn. Why you no listen?

I would be trembling by the end of each lesson, but I felt I deserved it, it was all to my good, it would only make me a better driver - that is, until I discovered, unnerving me and making me feel bad about my driving, was part of a larger plan.

You no pass driving test. Better you pay me $500 and I get license for you.  Okay.  Okay? the driving instructor said to me, when we were alone on one of the lessons.

What little confidence I had in my driving vanished at that point.

But her offer did not appeal to me.  If I was already frightened of being on the road, I would be even more terrified with a falsely acquired license.

I am not one who can say no easily, or display outrage, even when it is called for, and I declined her offer in such a roundabout way, she did not get the message at all, and continued to repeat the offer during the next 2 lessons, even lowering her price, and offering me an installment plan. In hindsight, I should have said Me no want drivers license from you.  Okay. Okay?  

What I did was fail to show up for the remaining 2 lessons. What was the point, I thought. If she had the power to get me a license, surely she had the power to have me fail me on the driving test. 

So with help from my family, I started lessons with a new driving instructor.  When that didn’t work out either, my family jumped in and decided to teach me driving themselves. I had to catch two buses and the Bart to get to them, but it was worth it. My sister, my brother in law, my sister in law, all took turns teaching me. When everyone felt I was ready, I took my driving test, and I passed.

I soon found out there were other things to learn as a driver.

I parked outside the wrong office building one day, and my car was towed.  Another time, I parked in the handicapped parking spot outside my apartment for 15 minutes, and my car was towed again.  I paid $140 dollars to the first towing company to reclaim my car; I paid $280 to the second. Both times, I had to take multiple buses to get to the towing companies to retrieve my car.

I learned how to deal with car breakdowns.  I didn’t call the closest male relative I knew.  I called AAA. AAA towed me to the nearest mechanic, I rented a car and drove the rental car till my car was fixed.  Then I returned the rental and picked up my car.  This was what you were expected to do. And this is what I did.

America gave me the opportunity to become more autonomous and self-sufficient.

I had never cooked before coming to America.  I learned to cook. I had never done my own laundry before coming to America.  I learned to do my own laundry. 

I had to learn the geography and culture and business ways of a new city and a new country.  And, of course, I had to learn to make new friends.

I did all of this.

And then, of course, there was the business of getting a job and making a living.

After being an administrative assistant for a year at different companies, I was given an opportunity to become a Commissions Analyst.

At the time, I did not know what it meant, or what it involved.

All I knew was you needed to be good at Excel for it. I was not good at Excel.

But by being open to the idea of picking it up, and applying myself, I picked it up.

In hindsight, every one of these things was an opportunity in itself.

The driving… the cooking…making friends…learning a new culture and geography…training for a brand new career…

Everyone one of them was a challenge, but in each challenge, rested an opportunity to acquire new skills, and grow in confidence.

It is quite amazing to me when I think of it.

Here was this person who did not know her cumin from her coriander, who did not know how to make a pot of rice - without over-cooking it or under-cooking it -, who was suddenly hosting weekly dinners for friends from different countries, a year later.

I am glad I let go and trusted myself.

I am glad I stopped clinging to the raft of my ideas of what I could do, and what I couldn’t do.

I am glad I chose opportunity over security, even though I didn’t know how it would all go down.

Even while we value the past, we should not cling to it, denying ourselves the possibility of moving on.

There are all kinds of changes we will be called upon to make in our lives.

Changing countries is one kind of change.

There are other changes we will have the opportunity to make.

Some are physical, some are spiritual, some are intellectual, some emotional.

We have all these spheres in which to grow.

If there's one sphere in which we all need to grow, it is emotionally.

A few years ago, I sought the opportunity to grow emotionally.

I am so glad I did.

What was the point of me learning to drive and to cook and to do laundry and to make new friends and to start a new career, if I was stuck emotionally?

It started with my mother's death, after which I sought to become a gentler soul - as she was.

I then became a practitioner of meditation.

I have been meditating for 5 years now.

Meditation changed me from a high maintenance person to a low maintenance person.

I owe this to reading the book How God Changes the Brain, and then responding to the opportunity to change myself.

Opportunity is a reward in itself.

Find the right opportunity and respond to it, and it will ignite your spirit.

You will thrive, not just survive.

I have come to realize that nothing worthwhile is without risk.

If we try to minimize the risk in our lives - we will live lives as mere shadows of ourselves.

We will settle for being less human that we are.  

We will be thinking brains without beating hearts.

There will be no fire in our souls.

There is an Arabian Proverb which says: Four things come not back: The spoken word, The sped arrow, The past life, The neglected opportunity. 

When I decided to immigrate to America, I decided to look fear in the face.

Everyone needs to look fear in the face.

It’s only when we look fear in the face, we will not neglect our opportunities.

Security is an illusion.

As Brian Tracy said, “The more we seek security, the less of it we have. The more we seek opportunity, the more likely it is that we will achieve the security we desire.”

I feel more secure now than I ever did.

Perhaps, it’s because I now know how to do so many more things.

More importantly, I now know how to handle so many more things.

I am not afraid of newness, of uncertainty, of discomfort, of challenge, even of loss, I know I can handle it.

Let go and sail out I say to everyone – even if my words don’t say that, hopefully my actions do.

Don’t anchor yourself to the comfortable.

It’s okay to be a rookie again.

In fact, it’s perfect.

A rookie mindset will keep your tired ego, and fear of change out of the way.

A rookie mindset will make new things possible.

Oh, to be a rookie forever.

Yes, the beginning of a new opportunity is the beginning of a new lease in life.

Which is why I say, opportunity is a reward in itself.

In each opportunity - and in our response to it - we find our wisdom.

The kind of wisdom Jonas Salk, the inventor of the polio vaccine knew well.

On testing his vaccine against polio on himself, his wife, and his three sons, Salk said,

“It is courage based on confidence, not daring, and it is confidence based on experience.”

On receiving the Congressional Medal for Distinguished Civilian Achievement in 1956, he said,

“The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.”

On receiving the Nehru award in 1977, he said, “Our greatest responsibility is to be good ancestors.”

On being asked why he chose to do medical research, rather than be a practicing physician, he said, “Nothing happens quite by chance. It's a question of accretion of information and experience.”

And finally, when asked about taking risks, here’s what Dr.Salk said,

“Risks, I like to say, always pay off. You learn what to do, or what not to do.”

May you live long, respond to many opportunities, and thrive.

As always thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M…..a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay and Moonshine 1970 for their comments on my last post, and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, pins and votes…much appreciated.