What's the best advice someone who works in the psychology field ever gave you?

 

I have read many articles and books by psychologists, and watched many podcasts by psychologists.

Joseph Sestito helped me to be less self cherishing as a blogger:

Minoo Jha

 · 1y

What are the downsides to a person being a striver?

Hollow victories. I speak from personal experience. Once upon a time there was a girl. She looked around her and decided she needed to be certain things in order to feel worthwhile. “I need to be stylish” she said to herself. “I need to be thin.” “I need to be funny.” “I need to be clever.” “I need to be thrilling.” “I need to be original.” “I need to be successful.” “I need to be rich.” The girl threw herself hither and tither in many different directions in order to be all of these things. She tried many different diets and exercise programs. She read joke books. She studied the dictionary and practiced IQ tests. She thought of clever things to say. She worked hard to improve her skills. She changed jobs and rose up the ladder. She read relationship books and parenting books. She developed her tastes in music and literature and the good things in life. She left no stone unturned. But whatever the girl did, satisfaction and fulfillment was just out of her reach. When she asked herself, “am I stylish enough?” the answer was no. When she asked herself, “am I successful enough?” the answer was no. When she asked herself, “am I rich enough?” the answer was no. When she asked herself, “am I a good enough mother and a good enough spouse?” the answer was no. The girl found that in spite of how far she had come and all she had achieved, there were many things missing from her life. Happiness was missing - she was easily dejected. Fulfillment was missing - her victories felt empty. Self-control was missing - she would lose it at the drop of a hat. Peace was missing - she felt stressed and anxious most of the time. Energy was missing - she didn't have enthusiasm or passion for anything. Security was missing - she felt dread and anxiety when she thought about the future. Above, all she felt trapped in an endless cycle of keeping up - with the job, with the bills, with the house, with being a good mother, a good employee, a good spouse, and above all, her image. Then one day, the girl woke up. She realized she had been borrowing other people's ideas of a worthwhile life. She realized energy, peace, equanimity, self-control and security was what she wanted most and it would not come from pursuing wealth, approval, status or conformity. She realized being at peace and living a harmonious life was more important than being stylish, rich, clever or successful, or fitting in with the crowd. She decided to go her own way. Immediately, a weight was lifted off of her. She was free to do all the things she wanted to do without any false ideal or standard to conform to. She could go to work and focus on doing a good job, not getting ahead. She could have a conversation with people and not worry about whether she was coming across as uninformed or uncultured. She could meet people and not fret about her appearance. She could be who she was and make the decisions she wanted to and not worry about being judged. She could focus on meaning and authenticity rather than impression and image in all her interactions. That girl was me. Do you want to be like that? Raise your hand, if you do. How do you do that? You do that by waking up from trying to be Ms. Perfect living the “perfect life”. Perfection is the enemy of our peace, our equanimity, and our tranquility. If we let it raise its head, it can make us feel miserable about everything we do and all areas of our life. And it will keep our wheels stuck in the sand. If I aimed for perfection every time I sat down to write an article on my blog, it would never get off the ground. I would ask myself - “Is this funny enough?” “Is this clever enough?” “Is this thrilling enough?” “Is this special enough?” “Is this original enough?” “Does it have enough witticisms?” Of course, the answer would be no. I am not good with jokes. My thoughts are rarely original. And I can't come up with a witticism to save my life. So I would spend oodles of time trying to compensate by perfecting a sentence here, or a phrase there. And all I would be doing by that is spinning my wheels, indulging in what Joseph Sestito, author of Write for Your Lives, calls “self-cherishing”. Self-cherishing is focusing on the impression we want to make rather than the ideas we want to communicate. The downside of being a striver is that you can become so focused on striving, you can forget what it is you are striving for. At bottom, what we all want is a worthwhile life. But each of us needs to separately think what that means to us. Because borrowing your idea of a worthwhile life may leave me feeling unfulfilled and empty. And borrowing my idea of a worthwhile life may leave you feeling unfulfilled and empty. If everyone is buying houses, is buying a house essential to a worthwhile life? Only you can answer that for yourself. The answer was no for me. If everyone is buying fancy cars, does it mean buying fancy cars is essential to a worthwhile life? Only you can answer that for yourself. The answer was no for me. If everyone has a partner, does it mean having a partner is essential to a worthwhile life? Only you can answer that for yourself. The answer was no for me. So my advice to strivers is to know what it is you are truly striving for. Craft a personal definition of success

I found the most comforting advice for dealing with a job, in which I sucked, in this study done by Amos Tversky and Thomas Gilovich:

https://www.quora.com/What-is-best-to-practice-how-to-be-positive-even-when-people-criticize-your-work/answer/Minoo-Jha

I learned to meditate from a book by Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman. Meditation in turn, led me to realize what made me happy. Freedom from worrying about money, and material possessions, was one of those things:

https://www.quora.com/Could-minimalism-be-the-key-to-financial-freedom/answer/Minoo-Jha

I learned to navigate my child’s teenage years better, after reading the book The Available Parent, by a therapist by the name of Dr. John Duffy. It had a crucial role to play, in my graduating from Tiger Mom and Helicopter Mom, to Lighthouse Mom, with a brief stop at Hippie Mom, on the way:

https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-essential-parenting-skills/answer/Minoo-Jha

There is no “best psychological advice”.

Rather, I have gotten advice from here and there.

From books, from articles, from podcasts, from family members, from relatives, from friends, from sudden insights. 

Everyone in my life has contributed to my psychological well-being.

Here’s an example of how a friend contributed to my well being:

https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-one-and-done-mistakes-in-your-profession/answer/Minoo-Jha

Here’s an example of how another friend contributed to my well being:

https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-avoid-overthinking-about-someone-who-even-dont-know-me-well/answer/Minoo-Jha

You can certainly contribute to someone’s psychological well being.

“Who me?” you may say.

Yes, you.

A timely piece of advice can solve a puzzle for a person, and help them think of something in a new way.

A timely compliment, can lift someone’s spirits, and give them energy and vitality, that will last for days, or longer.

You can make someone aware of their gifts, or compliment them on something, that may not be obvious to them.

Putting something in someone's compliment bank, helps them, when they hit a low. They can draw on those compliments.

Attention has power.

Giving someone your attention,  can give them reasons to keep going in an activity or pursuit, they may be wondering about the the value and worth of continuing.

How can you contribute to someone’s psychological well being?

I will leave you with that thought today.

P.S. Dear Reader, my blog will enter its 15th year on December 27, of this year. If I’ve been able to keep going at it for 15 years, it is thanks to all of you. So a big thank you to all of you, for sharing my thought journey through all these years.