Humiliation is a great teacher.
It makes us aware of how thin-skinned, egotistic, and egoistic we are.
It makes us aware of how thin-skinned, egotistic, and egoistic we are.
Minoo Jha
· 6yWhat are some of the best life tips?
Hi, You asked, What are some of the best life tips? Rethink every encounter and interaction. View every person you meet and every encounter you have as a learning opportunity. Ask yourself, is there something to learn from this person or this event? It does not matter whether the interaction is positive Like the fun interaction in the picture above. Or whether the interaction is negative. You can learn from a positive encounter. You can learn from a negative encounter. My story: I was shopping for groceries at Grocery Outlet, which is a discount store. Absorbed with my shopping, I crossed from one side of one of the shopping aisles to the other side, without looking where I was going. As a result, I almost bumped into a man and a woman (possibly husband and wife) with my shopping cart. The man shook his head, looked at his wife and said "bozo". Perhaps he thought I didn’t know English and wouldn’t understand what “bozo” meant. On the other hand, it was possible he didn't care if I was offended by his name calling. What did I learn from this negative incident? I learned a few different things. I learned even a small annoyance can prompt a stinging insult from someone. I learned how fragile my ego was – because though I maintained a straight face - as if nothing had happened, I was deeply stung by the remark. Most importantly, the incident was a reminder to me that every territory comes with certain things, and if you are in that territory, you just have to accept those things. If you drive on 101 at peak hour, you will be in bumper to bumper traffic. If you live beside a busy road, you will hear a lot of street noise from your house. If you live in an apartment, it will be noisier, and your rent will go up every year. And if you shop at Grocery Outlet (and the wine bargains alone might draw you there) – you can expect to run into all kinds of people, some who may not be so polite. It is simply not possible to go through life without someone saying something condescending and offensive to you sometime. Just look at what presidential candidates and presidents have to go through. Better to toughen up and develop a thick skin. After all, when you think about it, an insult reflects more on the person who delivers the insult rather than the person who receives it. The School of Life (which you can also call The School of Interaction and Experience) has the best curriculum in the world. By going through experiences good and bad, and having different kinds of interactions with people, we add to our knowledge, our skills, and our toolkit to deal with life. Whether you experience the hard knocks of life early or late in life, you should use your struggles as an opportunity to understand, to learn, and to grow. What happens when you find out you have been living in a Fool’s Paradise? Knowledge is power. I have been in a Fool’s Paradise many times in my life. As a result of being in a Fool’s Paradise, some good things have happened to me, some not so good things. But here’s what I can say about all the things that have happened to me so far in my life... They were my teachers. Make every person you meet, and every lesson you learn, and every experience you have, good or bad count.
It makes us aware of the need to develop our ability to handle humiliating experiences with grace.
Minoo Jha
· 3yCan you share a negative experience that turned into a positive learning experience?
I can think of at least 10 negative situations which I turned into growth opportunities… 1. Not getting a badge, a computer, or systems access for 17 days, after I started one of my assignments... I took it on as a meditation challenge to be cheerful and go with the flow…and succeeded. 2. Being excluded from a lunch invitation one day at work As quick as I could, I got over any bad feelings about it. Plus I even had a cheerful response prepared, if anyone were to say, “Hey Minoo, sorry we didn’t think of asking you whether you wanted to go with us”. I had planned to say, “Don’t worry, I will join you the next time.” . 3. Or the time someone played a prank on me, by using my computer and email account to send an email from me to a group of 40 people with the message “They call me Moo Moo” I got over the initial surprise and indignation as quick as I could, and decided to let it go. I later discovered the prankster had done the same thing to multiple people. It was a genial prank, aimed at laughs, and not to victimize. I am happy I did not make an issue out of it, and in fact, I was able to react with equanimity, when I ran into the prankster, who emboldened, took to calling me Moo Moo. 4. Like when my daughter wanted to take my car to a different shop from the one I was used to Initially wanting to resist the idea, I then quickly realized I should not be stuck on anything, and willing to give alternatives a try. So I gave her the green light. 5. Like when some of my carpool drivers showed up 30 minutes late Instead of being upset, which would have made the ride to work unpleasant, I very deliberately said to myself, “Minoo, you are going to put the fact they are late out of your head and make this a pleasant ride for both you and the driver” And I succeeded, even when there were repeat offenses from the same drivers. Big victory in not prolonging suffering! 6. Like when I went to see the movie Winchester, and the person next to me kept disturbing me as soon as the movie started, by speaking in another language to someone on the other side of her. My initial thought was to tell her “could you please stop talking”, or to move seats in a big huff. But I knew the situation called for something a bit more relational – I turned to her and gently said, “I am not able to follow the movie.” She said, ‘Oh, I am sorry, I am translating for the person next to me, I will stop.” This was when I turned the moment into a real growth opportunity. Moved by her predicament, I turned to her again, gave her a comforting pat on the arm, and said, “It’s okay, go ahead and translate, I think I can manage”. And I really meant it. She did not take me up on it. But if she had, I had made up my mind to put her needs ahead of mine. Another big victory for me. 7. Like when my former boss (from my previous assignment) called me at 10 p.m. one night, to discuss a technical problem she was facing, and to find out my availability to come in to help her with it. I woke up in the middle of that same night with the perfect solution for solving the problem – an absolutely sure shot. My initial thought was I should not give it away for free; I should get some paid hours out of it. But once again, I sensed I should turn this into a growth opportunity. So I did. The next morning, I texted her the solution. I gave it away for free. She was very touched and grateful, because it was the perfect solution, and she told me “Minoo, I will give you full credit for it when I share it with the team.” And that was enough for me. 8. Like when I overcame my shyness to invite my daughter and her boyfriend to have lunch with me and my coworkers, even though I was brand new on my assignments and didn’t know my coworkers very well I overcame whatever shyness and awkwardness I felt, and just made it happen. And I am glad I did. 9. When my daughter called me a drama queen She was taking my car to go somewhere, and I said, “Watch the gas gauge – the car is low on gas and I don’t want you to run out” When she came back, she said “Mom, you are such a drama queen. There was more than a quarter tank in the car.” I bit my tongue and did not say anything, even though I did not like her calling me that. I waited for another completely suitable and delinked occasion to advise her on avoiding using labels. 10. One last example – saying yes to something I had never tried before When I am asked to something on an assignment I have never done before , and sometimes even if I just I find out there is something on their wish list, I give it a try, even if it means I may get egg on my face at the end. I have developed several spreadsheets and documents in this way, and even a Team Sharepoint Site at one assignment. I am so happy I was able to squash those fears of getting egg on my face (occasionally, I do, but still it’s worth it) for the lessons learned. There – those are 10 negative situations I turned into growth opportunities.
And, hopefully, it will help us examine areas of our life, in which we have yet to learn to handle things with grace.
We have to learn to carry things lightly, in order not to cause havoc in the lives of people around us.
And more importantly, in order not to cause havoc in our own lives, by sabotaging relationships (which are always hard to build, and even harder to keep), or self-sabotaging ourselves.Minoo Jha
· 3yWhat actions do you do to prevent self-sabotage in your lifestyle?
I have learned to carry things lightly. We tend to sabotage ourselves when we don’t carry things lightly. Here’s a piece I wrote about carrying things lightly: The Art of Carrying Things Lightly We have so much to worry about in life. Our possessions, our finances, our jobs, our health, our children, our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our investments, the economy– things big and small – keep us constantly worried. A mine can be waiting for us anywhere…in the next relationship, in the next spate of inclement weather, or on the next newscast. Our world can change in a moment. And sometimes it does. But when you think about it, our responses to events and triggers are just habits. We have not been pre-programmed from birth to respond the way we currently do. When we were babies, we yelled at the top of our lungs and till we were blue in the face, if we were in discomfort, or if we needed something. But we grew out of that pretty quickly, didn't we? If we could do it as a child, what is to stop us now, when we are grown people, and have the capacity to reason? If we respond in set ways to triggers and events, it’s because we have made it a habit to respond in set ways to triggers and events. We just have to make up our minds to quit responding in those set ways. We can re-program our responses at any age, and in any circumstances, and in any area. Once upon a time, I used to be a rageaholic, getting crazily angry when my buttons were pushed. But I successfully re-programmed myself. I discovered rage was a habit and I quit it. Once upon a time, I used to be hyper hyper-sensitive. But I successfully re-programmed myself. I discovered being hyper-sensitive was a habit. And I quit it. Once upon a time, I was a slave to some foods (such as rice) and I had to eat them every day. But I discovered specific foods were just a habit. And I quit them. I successfully reprogrammed myself. Once upon a time, I was unable to be anything but a helicopter mom or a tiger mom. But I discovered being a helicopter mom and a tiger mom were a habit. And I quit being either of them. I successfully re-programmed myself. Part of successfully re-programming ourselves is learning to carry things lightly. When you learn to carry things lightly, your responses automatically change. You stop freaking out. You stop having over-the-top responses to things. After all, few things call for a strong response. An emergency may require a strong response. An injustice may require a strong response. It's hard to think of anything else. Reprogram yourself to carry everything in your life lightly. Reprogram yourself to carry your success lightly. You should be able to fly coach, and to stand at a bus stop waiting for a bus. You should be able to wipe down your car, or even your child’s car. Reprogram yourself to carry your professional status lightly. You should be able to roll up your sleeves and do anything. Help your admin assistant clean up after an office lunch, for instance. Reprogram yourself to carry your job security and job satisfaction lightly. Conditions can change even in the most attractive of jobs or businesses. Your status and responsibilities can get reduced. A new manager might start cracking down. Because of the economy or competitive forces, a job or business, which once seemed secure, can become shaky; a layoff or unexpected circumstances can leave you adrift. Everyone should read the book, The Alliance, by Reid Hoffman to toughen up. It will help you carry your job security and job satisfaction lightly. The book was written to help you understand that even if your job came with an offer letter and benefits, it really is only a contract without an end-date. Anytime, this contract can end. Reprogram yourself to carry your relatively lower professional or economic status lightly. If you have not done as well as others and watched people go ahead of you, even though you started out with a clear advantage, be the big person. You should be able to support the success of those more successful than you. The true test of you being able to carry the situation lightly is doing so, without expecting anything in return. With luck, you could get to be the Roy Disney to Walt Disney, the Charlie Munger to Warren Buffett. It's possible. Reprogram yourself to carry your abilities lightly. An ability can lose its value. It can lose its relevance or charm. It can get upstaged. It can be lost as a result of a mishap, or as a result of getting older. If your carry your abilities lightly, you will be able to adapt to any new reality, even one that comes at the cost of your professional and financial status. Carrying your abilities lightly means you will be able to be productive, no matter what. Likewise, reprogram yourself to carry your disabilities lightly. Some of us are born with a disability; some of us will experience a disability as a result of a mishap, or a series of mishaps. For some of us, a habit can turn into a problem, eventually wreaking havoc with our ability. And growing older by itself, can strip us of the ability to do certain things. Whatever the case, we have to learn to carry our disabilities lightly. Which means we have to live life without becoming bitter, grumpy, irritable and cantankerous. Reprogram yourself to carry your knowledge and education lightly. Just because you are smart and capable doesn't mean you will be given the best opportunities. 'Taken opportunities' are sometimes "taken opportunities"; no point hankering for a seat at that table. You may be relegated to work that is below your knowledge and skill level. The only ‘sure’ way out of this is to keep changing jobs until you find your sweet spot. Or else, become an entrepreneur and call the shots. Otherwise, it’s best to carry your knowledge and skills lightly. As a consultant, I strive to be maximally useful to my managers, and sometimes it means doing what no one else on the team wants to do. If the greatest need on a particular day is for a gopher, I volunteer myself. But Minoo, how will I keep up with my skills and knowledge, if I get stuck doing the low-value stuff. Yes, if you are stuck doing low value stuff, and you feel you are ready for something more challenging, by all means look for a better opportunity and move on. In my case, all my assignments are temporary, so I have the confidence that if I don’t get to use my higher level skills at one assignment, I will definitely get to use them at another. So I never worry about what's happening in the present moment. It's one of the advantages of being a consultant. If a work situation has you frustrated, I recommend you take a step back and reflect. If you don't see any value, or future, in what you are doing, bow out and find something more suited to your knowledge and skill level. Reprogram yourself to carry your ideas and opinions lightly. Remember everyone has ideas and opinions, not just you. And their ideas and opinions are just as legitimate to them, as your opinions and ideas are to you. You shouldn't forever be trying to make a point, or to win converts to your way of thinking. You should try to see the other side. You should try to look at the big picture. For instance, I have observed we are unable to appreciate any social or political changes which benefit the marginalized; except of course, when we are the marginalized ones. To me the mark of civilization is how a country or society treats its most marginalized citizens. This is what I mean by seeing the bigger picture. Reprogram yourself to carry your crises lightly. You should not go “oh my god, oh my god, what am I going to do?” in response to every crisis. Crises have a way of sorting themselves out. A year or two later, the memory of the crisis might serve as a lesson, if that. Recently my car got towed, and I said to my daughter, "Oh my god, I made the worst mistake of my life. I parked in the visitor parking in front of the apartments and I got towed”. My daughter answered "Mom, don't be so dramatic. How could that be the worst mistake of your life?" It brought me down to earth. Reprogram yourself to carry your losses lightly. I know this is a tough one. You could lose everything because of an unfortunate event, or sequence of events. Still you can choose how to respond to that. You could either wallow in self-pity, inaction, or self-destruction. Or you could make a pact with yourself to put the past behind you, and build your life on what you have left. It comes down to a choice. Reprogram yourself to carry your possessions lightly, even if they are expensive possessions such as your house, your valuables, or your car, all of which can be lost or damaged. When people get into accidents, they get into a rage. Don’t let this be you. Carry the fact of owning a car lightly. You should understand that being out on the road and driven, your car is ever at risk. If driving stresses you out, find solutions. Also even though you have a car, you should be able to walk, sometimes; you should be able to walk like a mother walks her baby. Just because you have a car, doesn't mean you have to drive everywhere, and all the time; you can walk, you can take public transport. A baby or child is going to enjoy a walk with their parents, much more than being strapped in a car seat, and they are also ill-equipped to deal with their parents' driving stress. When my daughter was a baby, and I was still a new driver in the US, I once drove from Oakland to San Jose in a car I was test-driving. During the 50 mile journey, my daughter’s blanky fell, and she started yelling for her blanky. My response was to yell back, because I was stressed. Several miles passed with both her and me yelling. Had we been walking and she been in her stroller, I would have just picked up her blanky and said "here you go". We should carry things lightly because we were meant to “thrive”, not just to survive. We eat to survive. We eat right to thrive. We wear clothes to survive. We look after our bodies and dress right to thrive. We go to bed at night to survive. We relax to thrive. It is important to recognize whether we are doing things just to survive, or doing things to thrive. Try to introduce more of the “thrive” activities in your life. It is a sure way to carry things lightly. Meditation, exercise, involving yourself in a worthwhile cause, and lightening up your schedule are all ways to reprogram yourself in the art of carrying things lightly. Get busy thriving, rather than just surviving. I sincerely hope you will take the message of this piece - which is to carry things lightly - to heart. I believe if each of us does that, we can make life better, not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.
Each time we suffer a rejection, we should reflect on the circumstances that led to it, and write down the lessons learned.
We only lose by over-reacting to humiliation. We only gain by taking humiliating experiences in our stride.
Of all the virtues, humility is the hardest to achieve. Every achievement made in the area of humility is a big step forward for us, in personal growth and maturity.
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