How do you cope with family members that make you feel awful?
There are going to be some relatives in everyone’s life who make them feel awful. In fact, being a hypersensitive person, anyone could make me feel awful very easily. Until I worked on myself and learned to “carry things lightly”. I wrote this piece about it. The Art of Carrying Things Lightly We have so much to worry about in life. Our possessions, our finances, our jobs, our health, our children, our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our investments, the economy– things big and small – keep us constantly worried. A mine can be waiting for us anywhere…in the next relationship, in the next spate of inclement weather, or on the next newscast. Our world can change in a moment. And sometimes it does. But when you think about it, our responses to events and triggers are just habits. We have not been pre-programmed from birth to respond the way we currently do. When we were babies, we yelled at the top of our lungs and till we were blue in the face, if we were in discomfort, or if we needed something. But we grew out of that pretty quickly, didn't we? If we could do it as a child, what is to stop us now, when we are grown people, and have the capacity to reason? If we respond in set ways to triggers and events, it’s because we have made it a habit to respond in set ways to triggers and events. We just have to make up our minds to quit responding in those set ways. We can re-program our responses at any age, and in any circumstances, and in any area. Once upon a time, I used to be a rageaholic, getting crazily angry when my buttons were pushed. But I successfully re-programmed myself. I discovered rage was a habit and I quit it. Once upon a time, I used to be hyper hyper-sensitive. But I successfully re-programmed myself. I discovered being hyper-sensitive was a habit. And I quit it. Once upon a time, I was a slave to some foods (such as rice) and I had to eat them every day. But I discovered specific foods were just a habit. And I quit them. I successfully reprogrammed myself. Once upon a time, I was unable to be anything but a helicopter mom or a tiger mom. But I discovered being a helicopter mom and a tiger mom were a habit. And I quit being either of them. I successfully re-programmed myself. Part of successfully re-programming ourselves is learning to carry things lightly. When you learn to carry things lightly, your responses automatically change. You stop freaking out. You stop having over-the-top responses to things. After all, few things call for a strong response. An emergency may require a strong response. An injustice may require a strong response. It's hard to think of anything else. Reprogram yourself to carry everything in your life lightly. Reprogram yourself to carry your success lightly. You should be able to fly coach, and to stand at a bus stop waiting for a bus. You should be able to wipe down your car, or even your child’s car. Reprogram yourself to carry your professional status lightly. You should be able to roll up your sleeves and do anything. Help your admin assistant clean up after an office lunch, for instance. Reprogram yourself to carry your job security and job satisfaction lightly. Conditions can change even in the most attractive of jobs or businesses. Your status and responsibilities can get reduced. A new manager might start cracking down. Because of the economy or competitive forces, a job or business, which once seemed secure, can become shaky; a layoff or unexpected circumstances can leave you adrift. Everyone should read the book, The Alliance, by Reid Hoffman to toughen up. It will help you carry your job security and job satisfaction lightly. The book was written to help you understand that even if your job came with an offer letter and benefits, it really is only a contract without an end-date. Anytime, this contract can end. Reprogram yourself to carry your relatively lower professional or economic status lightly. If you have not done as well as others and watched people go ahead of you, even though you started out with a clear advantage, be the big person. You should be able to support the success of those more successful than you. The true test of you being able to carry the situation lightly is doing so, without expecting anything in return. With luck, you could get to be the Roy Disney to Walt Disney, the Charlie Munger to Warren Buffett. It's possible. Reprogram yourself to carry your abilities lightly. An ability can lose its value. It can lose its relevance or charm. It can get upstaged. It can be lost as a result of a mishap, or as a result of getting older. If your carry your abilities lightly, you will be able to adapt to any new reality, even one that comes at the cost of your professional and financial status. Carrying your abilities lightly means you will be able to be productive, no matter what. Likewise, reprogram yourself to carry your disabilities lightly. Some of us are born with a disability; some of us will experience a disability as a result of a mishap, or a series of mishaps. For some of us, a habit can turn into a problem, eventually wreaking havoc with our ability. And growing older by itself, can strip us of the ability to do certain things. Whatever the case, we have to learn to carry our disabilities lightly. Which means we have to live life without becoming bitter, grumpy, irritable and cantankerous. Reprogram yourself to carry your knowledge and education lightly. Just because you are smart and capable doesn't mean you will be given the best opportunities. 'Taken opportunities' are sometimes "taken opportunities"; no point hankering for a seat at that table. You may be relegated to work that is below your knowledge and skill level. The only ‘sure’ way out of this is to keep changing jobs until you find your sweet spot. Or else, become an entrepreneur and call the shots. Otherwise, it’s best to carry your knowledge and skills lightly. As a consultant, I strive to be maximally useful to my managers, and sometimes it means doing what no one else on the team wants to do. If the greatest need on a particular day is for a gopher, I volunteer myself. But Minoo, how will I keep up with my skills and knowledge, if I get stuck doing the low-value stuff. Yes, if you are stuck doing low value stuff, and you feel you are ready for something more challenging, by all means look for a better opportunity and move on. In my case, all my assignments are temporary, so I have the confidence that if I don’t get to use my higher level skills at one assignment, I will definitely get to use them at another. So I never worry about what's happening in the present moment. It's one of the advantages of being a consultant. If a work situation has you frustrated, I recommend you take a step back and reflect. If you don't see any value, or future, in what you are doing, bow out and find something more suited to your knowledge and skill level. Reprogram yourself to carry your ideas and opinions lightly. Remember everyone has ideas and opinions, not just you. And their ideas and opinions are just as legitimate to them, as your opinions and ideas are to you. You shouldn't forever be trying to make a point, or to win converts to your way of thinking. You should try to see the other side. You should try to look at the big picture. For instance, I have observed we are unable to appreciate any social or political changes which benefit the marginalized; except of course, when we are the marginalized ones. To me the mark of civilization is how a country or society treats its most marginalized citizens. This is what I mean by seeing the bigger picture. Reprogram yourself to carry your crises lightly. You should not go “oh my god, oh my god, what am I going to do?” in response to every crisis. Crises have a way of sorting themselves out. A year or two later, the memory of the crisis might serve as a lesson, if that. Recently my car got towed, and I said to my daughter, "Oh my god, I made the worst mistake of my life. I parked in the visitor parking in front of the apartments and I got towed”. My daughter answered "Mom, don't be so dramatic. How could that be the worst mistake of your life?" It brought me down to earth. Reprogram yourself to carry your losses lightly. I know this is a tough one. You could lose everything because of an unfortunate event, or sequence of events. Still you can choose how to respond to that. You could either wallow in self-pity, inaction, or self-destruction. Or you could make a pact with yourself to put the past behind you, and build your life on what you have left. It comes down to a choice. Reprogram yourself to carry your possessions lightly, even if they are expensive possessions such as your house, your valuables, or your car, all of which can be lost, damaged, repossessed or claimed by someone else. When people get into accidents, they get into a rage. Don’t let this be you. Carry the fact of owning a car lightly. You should understand that being out on the road and driven, your car is ever at risk. If driving stresses you out, find solutions. Also even though you have a car, you should be able to walk, sometimes; you should be able to walk like a mother walks her baby. Just because you have a car, doesn't mean you have to drive everywhere, and all the time; you can walk, you can take public transport. A baby or child is going to enjoy a walk with their parents, much more than being strapped in a car seat, and they are also ill-equipped to deal with their parents' driving stress. When my daughter was a baby, and I was still a new driver in the US, I once drove from Oakland to San Jose in a car I was test-driving. During the 50 mile journey, my daughter’s blanky fell, and she started yelling for her blanky. My response was to yell back, because I was stressed. Several miles passed with both her and me yelling. Had we been walking and she been in her stroller, I would have just picked up her blanky and said "here you go". We should carry things lightly because we were meant to “thrive”, not just to survive. We eat to survive. We eat right to thrive. We wear clothes to survive. We look after our bodies and dress right to thrive. We go to bed at night to survive. We relax to thrive. It is important to recognize whether we are doing things just to survive, or doing things to thrive. Try to introduce more of the “thrive” activities in your life. It is a sure way to carry things lightly. Meditation, exercise, involving yourself in a worthwhile cause, and lightening up your schedule are all ways to reprogram yourself in the art of carrying things lightly. Get busy thriving, rather than just surviving. I sincerely hope you will take the message of this post - which is to carry things lightly -to heart. I believe if each of us does that, we can make life better, not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.
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