Once upon a time there was a girl.
She looked around her and decided she needed to be
certain things in order to feel worthwhile.
“I need to
be stylish” she said to herself.
“I need to
be thin.”
“I need to
be funny.”
“I need to
be clever.”
“I need to
be thrilling.”
“I need to
be original.”
“I need to
be successful.”
“I need to be rich.”
The girl threw herself hither and tither in many
different directions in order to be all of these things.
She tried many different diets and exercise
programs.
She read joke books.
She studied the dictionary and practiced IQ
tests.
She thought of clever things to say.
She worked hard to improve her skills.
She changed jobs and rose up the ladder.
She read relationship books and parenting books.
She developed her tastes in music and literature
and the good things in life.
She left no stone unturned.
But whatever the girl did, satisfaction and
fulfillment was just out of her reach.
When she asked herself, “am I stylish enough?” the answer was no.
When she asked herself, “am I successful enough?” the answer was no.
When she asked herself, “am I rich enough?” the answer was no.
When she asked herself, “am I a good enough mother and a good enough spouse?” the answer was no.
The girl found that in spite of how far she had come and all she had achieved,
there were many things missing from her life.
Happiness was missing - she was easily dejected.
Fulfillment was missing - her victories felt
empty.
Self-control was missing - she would lose it at
the drop of a hat.
Peace was missing - she felt stressed and anxious
most of the time.
Energy was missing - she didn't have enthusiasm
or passion for anything.
Security was missing - she felt dread and anxiety
when she thought about the future.
Above, all she felt trapped in an endless cycle
of keeping up - with the job, with the bills, with the house, with being a good
mother, a good employee, a good spouse, and above all, her image.
Then one day, the girl woke up.
She realized she had been borrowing other
people's ideas of a worthwhile life.
She realized energy, peace, equanimity,
self-control and security was what she wanted most and it would not come from
pursuing wealth, approval, status or conformity.
She realized being at peace and living a
harmonious life was more important than being stylish, rich, clever or successful,
or fitting in with the crowd.
She decided to go her own way.
Immediately, a weight was lifted off of her.
She was free to do all the things she wanted to
do without any false ideal or standard to conform to.
She could go to work and focus on doing a good
job, not getting ahead.
She could have a conversation with people and not
worry about whether she was coming across as uninformed or uncultured.
She could meet people and not fret about her
appearance.
She could be who she was and make the decisions she wanted to and not worry about
being judged.
She could focus on meaning and authenticity rather than impression and image
in all her interactions.
Do you want to be like that? Raise your hand, if you do.
How do you do that?
You do that by waking up from trying to be Ms. Perfect living the “perfect life”.
Perfection is the enemy of our peace, our
equanimity, and our tranquility.
If we let it raise its head, it can make us feel
miserable about everything we do and all areas of our life.
And it will keep our wheels stuck in the sand.
If I aimed for perfection every time I sat down
to write a post, I would never get it off the ground.
I would ask myself -
“Is this
funny enough?”
“Is this
clever enough?”
“Is this
thrilling enough?”
“Is this
special enough?”
“Is this
original enough?”
“Does it
have enough witticisms?”
Of course, the answer would be no.
I am not good with jokes.
My thoughts are rarely original.
And I can't come up with a witticism to save my
life.
So I would spend oodles of time trying to
compensate by perfecting a sentence here, or a phrase there.
And all I would be doing by that is spinning my
wheels, indulging in what Joseph Sestito, author of Write for Your Lives, calls “self-cherishing”.
Self-cherishing is focusing on the impression we want to make rather than the ideas we want to communicate.
When I was an advertising copywriter, I would
indulge in plenty of self-cherishing.
Sometimes it would paralyze me.
One of the Creative Directors of Contract
Advertising used to say to me, "Minoo, remember
the spelling of perfectionism is PARALYSIS".
Perfection is a futile, and sometimes even dangerous
goal.
Drew Barrymore says, “When things are perfect, that's when you need to worry most.”
Indeed, everything looked so perfect a few years before the housing crash. Houses were going up and up in value. Loans were aplenty. Everyone who
was anyone could buy multiple homes.
Of course we now know it was “the perfect storm.”
Brene Brown says “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that
fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I
can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
We try to find the bumps and lumps in our lives
and to excise them.
We may spend our whole lives trying to please
perfectionist parents or perfectionist bosses or partners, or trying to conform
to an imaginary perfectionist standard.
We can want a perfect world and a perfect day and
a perfect week and a perfect weekend and a perfect spouse and perfect kids and
a perfect wedding, and a perfect Christmas and a perfect Thanksgiving, but none
of us are mistake-free people, so what are the chances?
We would each love to have a Stepford Wives
perfect world inhabited only by people like ourselves, but will that ever happen?
Tell me which would you prefer - to be surrounded
by beautiful thoughts or beautiful things? Which is more conducive to a
worthwhile life?
Tell me which would you prefer - to have beautiful
thoughts or beautiful experiences? Which
is more conducive to a worthwhile life?
At bottom, you and I both want a worthwhile life.
But each of us needs to separately think what that means to
us.
Because borrowing your idea of a worthwhile life may leave me feeling unfulfilled and empty.
And borrowing my idea of a worthwhile life may leave you feeling unfulfilled and empty.
If everyone is buying houses, is buying a house
essential to a worthwhile life?
Only you can answer that for yourself.
If everyone is going on vacations, does it mean
going on vacations is essential to a worthwhile life?
Only you can answer that for yourself.
If everyone is getting married and having kids,
does it mean getting married and having kids is essential to a worthwhile life?
Only you can answer that for yourself.
Don't chase imaginary ideas of a perfect
life.
Life is not perfect.
Not all our dreams will come true.
Not all good things that happen to us will have
happy endings.
But not all our fears will come true.
And not all bad things that happen to us will
have sad endings either.
Rebeccas Wells says “Good enough is good enough. Perfect will make you a big fat mess every
time.”
The more perfectionist we are, the more
afraid we are when things don’t go as planned.
We are afraid things are falling apart.
Michael Law says, “At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being
meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing
others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
Perfectionism is a creativity killer and doesn't give the amateur a chance.
Julia Cameron says, “Perfectionism doesn't believe in practice shots. It doesn't believe in
improvement. Perfectionism has never heard that anything worth doing is worth
doing badly--and that if we allow ourselves to do something badly we might in
time become quite good at it. Perfectionism measures our beginner's work
against the finished work of masters. Perfectionism thrives on comparison and
competition. It doesn't know how to say, "Good try," or "Job
well done." The critic does not believe in creative glee--or any glee at
all, for that matter. No, perfectionism is a serious matter.”
And Ann Lamott says "Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.
It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main
obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based
on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each
stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will
die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are
going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're
doing it."
I know that perfectionist bosses have always been
a drag for me. You know the type - they
are the ones who want to see every i
dotted and every t crossed. Perfectionist spouses are a drag. Perfectionist parents are a drag.
People can't wait to get out from under a
perfectionist boss, spouse or parent.
Perfectionism directly impacts enthusiasm and
motivation and is a drag on productivity and a threat to fidelity and loyalty.
Many a good employee is lost when a perfectionist
boss comes along.
If someone misses the forest for the trees and points
out a spelling mistake, or asks for unnecessary changes - when you have slogged
to produce something special or to meet a tough deadline, it’s a buzz killer,
and all our enthusiasm will go out like air from a balloon.
The other day when I was walking, I became aware
of a crow cawing. It seemed as if the crow was cawing at me. It went from tree to tree, following me and
going “caw, caw”. The next day again I was walking, and lo and behold, the same thing happened – a crow followed me from tree to tree cawing. It was uncanny. Could it be the same crow, I wondered? Why was it following me and cawing at me? A few days later I read (in the book Super Brain by
Deepak Chopra and Rudolph Tanzi) that crows never forget a face and if they don't like something
you did to them (say you startled them when they were roosting) they will never
forget your face and they will scold you every time they see you again. I knew from reading this I had not imagined my experience with the crow. For two days in a row, the same crow went from tree
to tree, scolding at me for something.
Whenever you are a perfectionist and start
scolding, think of yourself as that scolding crow. Hopefully, this image of yourself as a scolding crow will stop you.
We think if we scold, we can bring someone in
line, we can get them to do things the way we like. It's true we might, but only for a short
while. Eventually, they will get fed up
with the tough micromanagement and go. We are rarely loyal to people who make
us feel bad about ourselves.
The reason why I gave up being a Tiger Mom and a
Helicopter Mom - as I describe in my post It’s Called Motherhood 2 - is because
I wanted to give my daughter the opportunity to feel good about herself and
also to be able to trust herself.
Perfectionists make people feel bad about themselves
and unable to trust themselves.
We will each need to reestablish trust in
ourselves if we have been subjected to someone's perfectionism for a substantial amount of time.
I will end with these beautiful lines from Ellen
Hopkins:
“HOW
do you define a word without concrete meaning? To
each his own, the saying goes, so
WHY
push to attain an ideal state of being that no
two random people will agree is
WHERE
you want to be? Faultless. Finished.
Incomparable. People can never be these, and anyway,
WHEN
did creating a flawless facade become a more
vital goal than learning to love the person
WHO
lives inside your skin? The outside belongs to
others. Only you should decide for you -
WHAT
is perfect.”
As
always thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M…..a Pearl-Seeker
like you. Thanks to Ajay, Chris and
Subhakar for their comments on Facebook and thanks to the rest of you for your
votes and pins. Much appreciated.
