Out of the millions of people we live among, most of whom we habitually ignore and are ignored by in turn, there are always a few who hold hostage our capacity for happiness.
-Alain de Botton
How many times a day do you visit Ireland?
By Ireland, I am not referring to the idyllic country.
The one that’s across the Irish Sea from the country that’s across the pond.
The one we associate with loved, celebrated and revered traditions such as…
River Dance.
St. Patty’s Day.
Guiness.
Waterford Crystal.
The Ireland, I am referring to is something else altogether.
It’s “Ire”-Land
I used a play on words to get your attention.
“Ire” Land is the opposite of an idyllic country.
It is the hell we create for others when we get angry and lose control of our words and actions.
When we are in “Ire”-Land, we let our Amygdalas hijack our brain.
And behave as a caveman or angry baboon would.
What’s an Amygdala Hijack?
The Amygdala is the part of our brain that controls the flight or fight reflex.
When it is activated, a flood of stress hormones is released into our blood and we react with fear or with anger, or both, to a stressful event.
Our Amygdalas hijack our brains before the rational area of our brains – the neocortex - can process the stressful event.
Thus no sooner does the event enter as sensory input through our eyes and ears, when we completely and instantly lose it.
From The Best-Selling Book On Emotional Intelligence
It was Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, who coined the phrase, Amygdala Hijack.
Your Amygdala has hijacked your brain, if normally a civilized person, you become brutish, mean, cruel, insulting, hurtful and angry, possibly even ridiculously so -- in response to a stressful event.
And you do or say stuff which you later regret and feel awful and foolish about and wish you could take back.
Some Typical Situations In Which Our Amygdalas Hijack Our Brains:
- Someone makes us jealous or mad
- Someone humiliates us in public
- Someone disturbs our concentration
- We don’t get our way
- Someone takes something we cherish without asking us
- Someone causes us a loss of some kind
- Someone cuts us off – drivers let their amygdalas hijack their brains all the time
- Someone interrupts us, or tests our patience
- We find out someone has wronged someone we love
- We find out someone has lied to us, cheated us, or made a fool of us
These are just examples. Everyone has different hot buttons.
What We Should Do In These Situations
The appropriate response in these situations would be for us to:
- Show forbearance
- Walk away
- Ask someone who is in a calmer state of mind to intercede for us
- Express how we feel later when we are in a completely calm state of mind
But Instead What We Do Is:
- Use bad language
- Scream and rant and rave
- Raise our voices and make verbal and physical threats
- Scare young children and others around with our demeanor
- Hit below the belt
- Say or do something destructive, abusive or obscene
- Act recklessly
- Hurt ourselves
- Hurt others
- Damage property
Is this you when you are angry?
What can you do about it?
Can you enroll in anger-management classes?
Can you talk to a friend or family member about it?
Can you ask someone to correct you every time you start to get that way?
Can you try to cure yourself through meditation or yoga?
You bet you can!
Here’s why…
I did it.
I actually cured myself of amygdala hijacks (temper tantrums in plain English), even though I probably hold a record of sorts for them. (also my tirades would have made McEnroe’s tirades appear like the woofs of a dreaming puppy).
In fact, almost everyone who knows me closely remembers at least one of these exhibitions of amygdala hijacks (it sounds so much nicer than temper tantrums, doesn’t it?).
But miraculously, I’ve changed.
Amygdala Hijacks Begone!
I’ve cured myself of these amygdala hijacks through meditation.
Honestly, a while back, if you had told me I would be able to conquer my anger management issues and put them behind me, I would have dismissed you with an “Oh, yeah!!!!!” and laughed you off, secretly thinking you had no idea what a tough nut I was when it came to losing my head.
But guess what – you would have been right.
Even tough nuts to crack (like myself) can conquer their anger management issues.
I am living proof of it!
What’s My Method?
It started with observing myself.
And noticing all the little things (and frankly, everything is little once your neocortex has had the time to process it) to which I have a hair-trigger anger response.
Doing this turned out to be an interesting and revealing, if humbling exercise.
I found out there was a ridiculous number of things which could set me off.
And some of them were truly weird.
I found out, for instance, that we even get angry just because someone made us angry.
Look At What You Made Me Do
Meaning anger is a two-step thing.
First we get angry with someone over something.
And then we get angry with them because they made us get angry and made us do foolish, angry, destructive and ridiculous things as a result of getting angry.
This was just one of many revelations.
By making it my business to observe myself during the day…
and discovering the triggers to my anger…
I was able to then meditate on breaking the cycle.
Observation and regular meditation were the two prescriptions I wrote for myself.
And they cured me.
What’s the dosage for this completely free, completely healthful medicine?
I meditate once every morning immediately when I wake up.
And then at other times in the day as needed.
A Picture Helps…
Also, when I meditate, I find it helpful to have a picture in my head of people who do not have anger management issues.
Meaning I try to channel peaceful, easy-going role models and internalize them.
In my very own family, there are many role models for me to choose from.
And you should easily be able to find role models as well.
Conquering Anger Has Been Life-Changing For Me
And I know it will be life changing for you.
So if you are tired of doing and saying things that you later regret and are ashamed of, I urge you…
Get serious about anger management.
Let’s stop the madness and the sadness we cause from our out-of-control anger.
P.S. Thanks for reading. You know I was thinking…there’s out-in-the-open sadness. The homeless, the poor, the beggars on the street, the starving, the physical and mental illness we see around us – all these come to mind. That’s sadness we can see.
Then there’s Behind-The-Closed-Doors Sadness. The sadness people cause each other behind closed doors. The sadness no one knows about.
If you are contributing to this Behind-the-Closed-Doors Sadness, make a new resolution today to get a hold of yourself. Like I did. Like me…I’m sure you’ll be glad you did. And others around you will be relieved and gladder still.
P.S. 2 Meditation has become a daily routine for me. I got started after reading this wonderful book called How God Changes the Brain.
P.S. 3: While you try to mend your ways, it is important to have compassion for yourself, so that when you slip up (and you will), you don’t lose heart, give up and revert back to your old ways; you need to forgive yourself for your slips and move on.
P.S.4: Links to the 2 books mentioned in this post, Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence and How God Changes the Brain are featured below.
I also thought you might enjoy this video on Forgiveness. Remember, the first person you have to forgive is yourself.
And finally, here's a link to an article by the author of Narnia, C.S. Lewis, on Forgiveness - where he makes a valuable distinction between excusing and forgiving.
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