Sunday, September 26, 2021

I Should Be Happy


Dear Friend, Family, or Relative reading this…

This is the second poem I wrote in the weeks after my brother David died. I was overcome with  grief. The loss seemed unbearable. Tears flowed. And as the poem you are about to read will show, words such as "he is in a better place now" were not at all what I felt.

When you read it, please understand it was written soon after David died.

The reason I am sharing it is because there may be others with the same grieving thoughts immediately after a loss.

I want them to know they are not alone in having all kinds of thoughts, including ones that seem to make no sense.

I asked a question on Quora about having thoughts that make no sense after someone dies. 

Several people answered, and I learned it is very common to have thoughts that make no sense after a loss.

One person recommended I read the book written by Joan Didion after her husband died.  The book is called The Year of Magical Thinking. In it, Joan Didion tells us the thoughts she went through in the year following the death of her husband John Gregory Dunne. The book has won multiple awards, including the Pulitzer prize. It was also turned into a Broadway play. 

Joan had many thoughts that made no sense after her husband died (what she calls magical thinking). 

One example is that she would not give away her husband's shoes, because she thought he would need them when he returned.  I plan to read this book, because I myself had many such thoughts that made no sense in the weeks following my brother David's death. 

The poem I am sharing with you today, "I Should Be Happy" expresses one of them. It was written in the immediate weeks after my brother David died.

                                                                                          
                                                                I Should Be Happy

I should be happy …

You are in a safe place

No longer exposed to hostile or threatening environments

No longer needing to fight for your privacy, your safety, your dignity, your nourishment. 

I should be happy!

I should be happy!


I should be happy…

You are in an ultimate place of safety now

No longer walking in quicksand

No longer having to wrestle with physical, mental and psychological blows

That always took you by surprise

I should be happy!

I should be happy!


I should be happy…

The immense physical and mental pain you suffered, you suffer no more

You are free of earthly sorrows

No slings and arrows can touch you

I should be happy!

I should be happy!


I should be happy

The noise, the chaos. and the confusion has ended

You have been granted rest for your tired body and tired soul

I should be happy!

I should be happy!


I should be happy…

You have crossed the threshold to ultimate peace

Ultimate safety

Ultimate bliss

You are in the arms of the Divine.

I should be happy!

I should be happy!


I am sad!

I want you back, David.

Right here in the world where I am, David.

I want you back


I should be happy!

But I am sad.

And I want you back.

                                           
Dear Family, Friend, or Relative...thank you for reading this piece.

I will end this piece by sharing a list of grief resources like I did last week.

Because if you are having the same tough time recovering from the loss of someone who was precious to you, perhaps someone who was your whole world, they may help you as they did me:

Book: Chicken Soup for The Grieving Soul
Book: Life After Loss - Bob Deits
Online Video: Dr. DeMartini Video on Grief
Book: The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

Specific to our loss:

Online meeting: Al Anon meetings 
Online podcasts:  an Al Anon podcast
The Big Book
Keeping Secrets - book by Suzanne Sommers

What helped me most was not isolating myself.

I spent as much time as possible with family or with friends.

I let myself be comforted by all the calls, texts, and messages I received personally, or we received as a family.

I participated wholeheartedly in all the events held for my brother, and watched the tribute videos:

Zoom held by David's St. Joseph's Boys High School

The most recent event was the Interment event attended by just us sisters,  our two brothers in law, and one of the people who worked with David in OOCL, a company he was at for 17 years.

I will share the link to that in the coming weeks.

Do continue to send us old photographs, videos, and other content that you find. Thanks for that.

Do keep my brother David in your prayers.

Thank you and hugs from me to you for being a part of my life!

Sunday, September 19, 2021

I Wish You Could Have Woken Up

David's personal effects, photographed after being brought home from the hospital

What You Are About To Read...

Dear Reader...In the weeks after my brother David died, I was overcome with  grief. Tears flowed. And words from my pen flowed. I would like to share what I wrote with you. At first, I was hesitant. Then I thought -  if others have suffered a loss and are experiencing the same grieving thoughts, would it comfort them to know they are not alone in their thoughts? With that in mind, I have decided to go ahead and share the poems I wrote. This is the first poem. It is called "I Wish You Could Have Woken Up". I wrote it in the first few days after my brother David died.


I Wish You Could Have Woken Up

I wish you could have woken up
To just one more day
So you could have seen my face
And heard the words I had to say.

For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you.
I never really wanted to keep away, and I still loved you.

I wish you could have woken up
So you could have seen me by your side
Felt my hand upon your brow
And seen the tears in my eyes.

For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you
You never got to see me for so many days, David
But I still loved you.

I wish you could have woken up
To see me standing there
To learn how much you meant to me
And how deeply I still cared.

For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you.
I never really wanted to keep away, and I still loved you.

I wish you could have woken up
To see the anguish on my face
To hear how dear you had been to me
And how no one could take your place.

For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you
You never got to see me for so many days, David
But I still loved you.

I still loved you.

I wish you could have woken up
So I could have said adieu
And told you that even though I had stayed away
I had always thought the world of you.

For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you.
I never really wanted to keep away, and I still loved you.

I still loved you.

You were a blessing in my life, David
Wish you had woken up, so I could have told you
You were precious to me in a way no one else could be
If only you had opened your eyes so you knew
If only I was given one more brief moment to tell you
Wish you could have woken up just one more time.

Yes, I never really wanted to keep away, David
Even though you never saw me for many days, David
I still loved you
And these are the words I whisper up to heaven 
The words which I hope you can hear me say…

I still love you, David.
I still love you.
I never really wanted to keep away, and I still love you.

David in his dashing 20's

Dear Reader, if you never got a chance to say 'I Love You', to someone precious who died, let this poem comfort you that you are not alone, and there are others who have been through the exact same thing.

Here are the links to some grief resources which I accessed in the weeks after my brother David died, which may help you:

Online meeting: Al Anon meetings 

What helped me most was not isolating myself. I spent as much time as possible with family or with friends. I let myself be comforted by all the calls, texts, and messages I received personally, or we received as a family. I participated wholeheartedly in all the events held for my brother, starting with the Memorial Zoom held by his St Joseph's High School classmates, the day after his death and followed by:


I watched and shared these videos, and looked at each and every picture and video shared on our family WhatsApp, and continue to do so now as people share old photographs of David that they find.

Steve Chong, one of David's coworkers said this at the end of his eulogy:

"Thank you David for the precious memories, for all you have been and all you have done. Thank you for your friendship over the years. Rest well dear friend and beloved brother in Christ.
 
For David’s family, David has brought so much joy through his friendship and gifts. Thank you for sharing David with us. God bless you all, and may He make that day come swiftly when the memory of David brings a smile in your faces before it brings a tear in your eyes."

At this point, I cannot relate to "the memory of David bringing a smile in my face before it brings a tear in my eyes."

Perhaps, it is too early. And David was such a precious soul, perhaps he deserves my tears, even years and years of my tears. Yes, David, you deserve that. So I will let my grief over your loss have its way with me for however long.

Sunday, September 12, 2021

He Could Have Watched From The Sidelines


He could have watched from the sidelines.
Observing others more fortunate play the game
But he knew he had something to offer
And though some things about him were different, many were still the same.


He still had the capacity for love
And he still had gifts to share
So he gave of his music, his art, his meals, his hospitality, and his all-embracing love
Putting aside his struggles, his challenges, and his cares.


He got on the phone and talked with friends and family from far and near
He hosted lunches, played his guitar, gardened and created art
He wholeheartedly threw himself into whatever he did
Starting from the base of his broken, crippled heart.

And despite the disappointments, losses and pain life had dealt him
He found a way to live, bond, and connect
He found a way to make everyone who knew him feel wanted, loved, and special
Using his limited resources, and within his challenging context.


So natural, genuine, loving and spontaneous was he
That his gifts and generosity touched lives far and wide
Every gift was given with love, appreciation, and caring
And the intention to make someone feel loved, valued, and worthwhile.


And thus this marvelous man kept living, loving, and giving
When most would have dropped out and let others play the game
Instead till the very end, this dear kind man I am proud to call my brother
Continued to let his gifts, his talents, his cooking, his music, his art
And above all, his love for everyone reign.



Dedicated to my brother David Lobo. Who created meaning out of the hard circumstances in which he found himself in the last 1/6th of his life.

Instead of becoming a lone wolf, he continued to live, laugh, love, and connect, and share his gifts with the world till heaven called him home on August 7, 2021.

RIP Precious and Blessed David. We are richer for all the goodness and love you showered on us during your life. And we are richer for your example of what it means to be human.

The pics in this piece were taken from David's art website, which he maintained on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/DavidGerardLobo. If David created a piece of art for you, and if you are comfortable doing it, can you take a picture of yourself holding his piece of art to add to the gallery above, and send it to me, or one of my sisters on Facebook. It will be a much appreciated addition to our collection.

What I have written today was inspired by conversations over the phone with David's friend Andrew Monteiro and my sister Christine in the days after David died. Many of my poems and blog posts are inspired by conversations, texts, comments, and messages, and I deeply appreciate all the support, calls, and texts, me and my sisters received after we lost David.  Many attended his Celebration of Life, spoke or performed at it, and helped us remember the occasion through their participation, videos, and photographs. Thanks for comforting us, consoling us, and helping us heal from the loss of our dear brother David. We really appreciate it.

If you haven't watched these videos yet, please watch these beautiful and moving memorial videos of my brother David's Celebration of Life.

Here are the links:

David's Memorial on September 3, 2021

David's Memorial Live Zoom on September 3, 2021

Tribute to David created by Divya and Ben

Also Tammy and Roy, a Goan band David had been a repeat patron of,  hosted a special musical tribute event to David. It was held on September 8, 2021 and attended by 500 people online.

You can watch the amazing video (and dance and sing to it) at this link:

In Memoriam - David Lobo

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Watching Over Us From Heaven Above


David Lobo

July 12, 1961- August 7, 2021

This is the poem I wrote and read at David's Celebration of Life, held on Friday, September 3, 2021 at Vasona Park, Los Gatos.

Watching Over Us From Heaven Above

An only brother

Kind and caring

A mother's only son

His arms were meant

To embrace the world

His heart to be owned

By everyone.


He left our home

To seek his fortune

Discovering his destiny along the way

We watched him become proud employee, boss, husband, son in law, father, grandfather, in turn

Giving to all the gifts of his love, kindness, and presence

Gifts we knew we could never

Repay.


A man of music, dance, art, cooking, and unconditional love

Denied a simple fate

He soldiered on in spite of everything

In a way we could never hope to imitate.

 

That such a man would be struck so low

Was hard for me to understand

This gentle soul who brought joy wherever he went

This incredible, big-hearted man.


He has left us now

To think upon

All those times when he made us feel so loved, sometimes the only thing which made life worth living

Only a love as big as his could do that

Only a heart so dedicated to giving and giving.


He had that heart

And it was something

None of us could ever hope to imitate

And now just to think my whole life contained a blessed soul such as his

Makes me incredibly thankful for my birth, my life, and my fate.

 

RIP beloved brother,

Beloved son, father, husband, son in law, grandfather, relative, friend

Though you are gone, we know you wanted each of us to feel loved

And furthermore,

To feel your love until our life's end.

 

Because that's the way your sweet precious soul was 

And these are the words we hear you from heaven say

"Feel loved. I still love you all and am watching over you from heaven above

Feel loved. I'll be watching over you through all your days."

 

RIP Blessed and Precious David,

Thank you for the music, the art, the food, the many special memories, and the fun

Above all,

Thank you for that incredible heart

And that giant sized capacity to love each and everyone.


We love you David.

We are richer for all the love and goodness you showered on us in your life.

                                                


Dear Reader -  this is a picture of Teenage David from the Celebration of Life event.  If you would like to watch one of the tributes created for him (this one by Divya and Ben), here is the link https://youtu.be/tfQtOtzN5rw or utQr362nwx5nwrdk9. I will do another post next week with more pictures and links.