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David's personal effects, photographed after being brought home from the hospital |
What You Are About To Read...
Dear Reader...In the weeks after my brother David died, I was overcome with grief. Tears flowed. And words from my pen flowed. I would like to share what I wrote with you. At first, I was hesitant. Then I thought - if others have suffered a loss and are experiencing the same grieving thoughts, would it comfort them to know they are not alone in their thoughts? With that in mind, I have decided to go ahead and share the poems I wrote. This is the first poem. It is called "I Wish You Could Have Woken Up". I wrote it in the first few days after my brother David died.
I Wish You Could Have Woken Up
I wish you could have woken up
To just one more day
So you could have seen my face
And heard the words I had to say.
For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you.
I never really wanted to keep away, and I still loved you.
I wish you could have woken up
So you could have seen me by your side
Felt my hand upon your brow
And seen the tears in my eyes.
For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you
You never got to see me for so many days, David
But I still loved you.
I wish you could have woken up
To see me standing there
To learn how much you meant to me
And how deeply I still cared.
For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you.
I never really wanted to keep away, and I still loved you.
I wish you could have woken up
To see the anguish on my face
To hear how dear you had been to me
And how no one could take your place.
For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you
You never got to see me for so many days, David
But I still loved you.
I still loved you.
I wish you could have woken up
So I could have said adieu
And told you that even though I had stayed away
I had always thought the world of you.
For though I had kept away, David…I still loved you.
I never really wanted to keep away, and I still loved you.
I still loved you.
You were a blessing in my life, David
Wish you had woken up, so I could have told you
You were precious to me in a way no one else could be
If only you had opened your eyes so you knew
If only I was given one more brief moment to tell you
Wish you could have woken up just one more time.
Yes, I never really wanted to keep away, David
Even though you never saw me for many days, David
I still loved you
And these are the words I whisper up to heaven
The words which I hope you can hear me say…
I still love you, David.
I still love you.
I never really wanted to keep away, and I still love you.
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| David in his dashing 20's |
Dear Reader, if you never got a chance to say 'I Love You', to someone precious who died, let this poem comfort you that you are not alone, and there are others who have been through the exact same thing.
Here are the links to some grief resources which I accessed in the weeks after my brother David died, which may help you:
Online Video: Dr. DeMartini Video on Grief
Online meeting: Al Anon meetings
Online podcasts: The Recovery Show, an Al Anon podcast
What helped me most was not isolating myself. I spent as much time as possible with family or with friends. I let myself be comforted by all the calls, texts, and messages I received personally, or we received as a family. I participated wholeheartedly in all the events held for my brother, starting with the Memorial Zoom held by his St Joseph's High School classmates, the day after his death and followed by:
David's Memorial on September 3, 2021
David's Memorial Live Zoom on September 3, 2021
I watched and shared these videos, and looked at each and every picture and video shared on our family WhatsApp, and continue to do so now as people share old photographs of David that they find.
Steve Chong, one of David's coworkers said this at the end of his eulogy:
"Thank you David for the precious memories, for all you have been and all you have done. Thank you for your friendship over the years. Rest well dear friend and beloved brother in Christ.
For David’s family, David has brought so much joy through his friendship and gifts. Thank you for sharing David with us. God bless you all, and may He make that day come swiftly when the memory of David brings a smile in your faces before it brings a tear in your eyes."
At this point, I cannot relate to "the memory of David bringing a smile in my face before it brings a tear in my eyes."
Perhaps, it is too early. And David was such a precious soul, perhaps he deserves my tears, even years and years of my tears. Yes, David, you deserve that. So I will let my grief over your loss have its way with me for however long.
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