A Guide to Dealing With the Sheldon Coopers in Your Life (Particle- 3)

Available on Amazon

Q: How to find something to worry about like Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just saying that you can't approach this intellectually.
Sheldon Cooper: However do you mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Remember when you tried to learn how to swim from the internet?
Sheldon Cooper: I did learn how to swim.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, on the floor.
Sheldon Cooper: The skills are transferable. I just have no desire to get in the water.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then why learn how to swim?
Sheldon Cooper: The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming won't be optional.

Q: How to learn to act like a grown-up from Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, do you have any books on how to make friends?
Jeremy: Yes, but they're all for little children.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sure the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Jeremy: They're right over there by the train set.
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, I love trains!
Jeremy: I'm sure you do.

Q: How to take precautions like Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Sheldon Cooper: In case of emergency, the exits are located here, here, and here. If the power goes out, exit routes are indicated in luminescent paint.
Raj Koothrappali: You're kidding.
[Sheldon turns off the lights, revealing glowing arrows on the floor]
Sheldon Cooper: I never kid about safety.

Q: How to guess the answer to a question like Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Howard Wolowitz: [after everyone cheers for him and his team design going to space] It gets better! Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is!
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed Lee.
[everyone's looking confused]
Howard Wolowitz: Who's Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, and Lee the most common surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that'd give me a mathematical edge.

Q: How to be suspicious like Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Leonard: [Sheldon shakes one of the boxes of the new tenant] What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm checking for musical instruments.
[Shakes the box again]
Sheldon: Does that sound like castanets to you?
Leonard: The box says "kitchen".
Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write "cocaine" on the box?

P.S. 1: Want more? Watch Big Bang Theory - Thursdays at 8:00 p.m.on CBS.

P.S. 2: Don't forget to check back on this blog for Part 4 of this series - A Guide to Dealing With the Sheldon Coopers in Your Life - Particle 4. Also, if you missed Part 1 and 2 of this series, you can read those posts here and here.

P.S. 3:  If you like posts with laughs, you may also enjoy other posts on my blog, including A Short Stint in Advertising and How to Say Goodbye - Part 3.

P.S. 4: As always, thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!

A Guide to Dealing With the Sheldons in Your Life - Particle 2

Available on Amazon

Q: How to add drama to any moment like Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Sheldon Cooper: This is an auspicious moment. Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong , we need the appropriate words to mark this scientific landmark event.
Rajesh Koothrappali: How about "Die, toaster, die!"?
Leonard Hofstadter: That'll do it.

Q: How to experience awe like Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Sheldon Cooper: I can't seem to get in touch with Amy! I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her... Nothing!
Leonard Hofstadter: You tried calling her on the telephone?
Sheldon Cooper: The telephone...!
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper: No... Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all.

Q: How to get a slip past Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon has a photographic memory.
Sheldon Cooper: Photographic memory is a misnomer. The correct term is eidetic memory, as I've told you countless times, like in May 7th during lunch. You complained your turkey was dry.

Q: How not to test Sheldon’s patience...

A: You can’t

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago, I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we're going to be late for the movies.

Q: How to get Sheldon to not opinionate about something...

A: You can’t

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're going to the movies.
Sheldon Cooper: No, we're not. We're suffering through an awkward encounter.


Want more of this...watch Big Bang Theory, the hit CBS show for which Jim Parsons (playing Sheldon Cooper) has won numerous awards, including highest individual achievements in comedy, Favorite TV Comedy Actor, best actor in a comedy show. The show is on Thursdays at 8:00 p.m. on CBS.

A Guide to Dealing With the Sheldon Coopers in Your Life - Particle 1

Available on Amazon

Q: How to Escape the Sheldon in your life...

A: You can’t

Sheldon: I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: Were going to the movies. What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh clearly, I could have.

Q: How to Get a Break from Sheldon for a few hours...

A: You can’t

Penny: Why don't you see a movie or something?
Sheldon: Alone?
Penny: Yeah, why not?
Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich maneuver?
Penny: Well, then don't order popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the movies? Listen to yourself.

Q: How to Make the Sheldon in Your Life lighten up...

A: You can’t

Sheldon: That's where I sit.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference? In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

Q: How to Make a Dear John call like Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Sheldon: [on the phone] This is Doctor Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium... Well I'm sorry too, but there's just no room for you in my wallet... Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs... Well I'll miss you too. Bye bye.

Q: How to Be Subtle like Sheldon...

A: You can’t

Sheldon Cooper: Priya, if you're experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, "do the dance with no pants."

P.S. Hungry for more? Watch the Big Bang Theory on CBS  - Thursdays at 8 p.m.

P.S. 2: In my post Dear Diary - Jennifer Hudson edition, I expressed the wish that we should all make a resolution to lighten up in 2012.  Watching Big Bang Theory is a great way to do that. Also, don't forget to check back on this blog for Part 2 of this series - A Guide to Dealing With the Sheldon Coopers in Your Life - Particle 2. 

P.S. 3:  Indian viewers who are interested in shows with Indian content will love Big Bang Theory because it even has a Rajesh Koothrappali in the mix.

P.S. 4: As always, thanks for reading and hope your 2012 is filled with laughter and joy.

Dear Diary...Before & After Edition

Green Investor
Before:  Dear Diary....I am going to make lots of money this year.  I have invested some money in the stock market.  Buy low and sell high.  That’s all there is to it. That’s how someone called Warren Buffett made his billions.  It was so easy.  All I had to do was look up some stocks on Yahoo Stock Screener, open an account on E-trade and I was done.  I found some great buys - Rite Aid, Siri, Extreme Networks, stocks you could buy for less than one of the meals at Mcdonalds.  Speaking of McDonalds, I wish I could buy that, but the stock is at $100.  Can you imagine that, dear diary.

After:  Dear Diary...I am in tears.  I lost money on all those stocks I invested in. Now l have to wait till my stocks reach the price I bought them at to sell them. I hope to find some other way of making some money – maybe selling stuff on E-bay. I will keep you updated.

American Idol Hopeful

Before:  Dear Diary...This is the year I stop pretending I am cut out to be a mail man and become a star. I am auditioning for American Idol. I have been practicing different hairstyles, trying on different clothing and perfecting my moves. I am going to be totally unforgettable.  The judges won't know what hit them.

After:  Dear Diary...The American Idol judges were overwhelmed, alright,but not in the right way. One said “If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you.” Another said “Honey, it’s a no from me - I'm sorry”.  And Randy just chuckled and said “Bro, they’re right.  You are not cut out for this.”  They are so wrong - all of them.  I am going to audition for X Factor and show them all.

Fad Dieter

Before: Dear Diary...Someone at work told me about this Dieter’s Tea.  She said she lost 30 lbs in 2 months drinking it. What have I got to lose?  I think I will pick up two boxes and try it out.  I will tell you how it goes.

After:  Dear Diary...The Dieter’s Tea turned out to be a laxative of sorts.  After drinking it, the urge to go comes on without any advance notice.  I was at the mall the other day and I really got frantic because the nearest bathrooms were a whole 10 minutes away. I have never walked so fast in my entire life.  Thankfully I made it.

Clueless Tax Filer

Before: Dear Diary...People complain about tax time, but I love it because I always get a refund. Every year, the refund comes at the right time and I am able to pay down some debt or pick up a bargain at my favorite handbag store.  I love my tax preparer.

After:  Dear Diary...I hate my tax preparer.  He enters my information and then has the cheek to tell me I owe money.  I told him he must have made a mistake because every year I get a refund. To which he replied “Maam...your tax filing status has changed, plus you are in a different tax bracket and you do not qualify for this deduction and that deduction.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  I am definitely changing my tax preparer next year. 

P.S.  This is the fourth post in the Dear Diary series.  I am writing these posts as much to memorialize these times as to keep the blog going.  If you missed Dear Diary 1 – the Socks with Holes Edition, or Dear Diary 2 – the Jennifer Hudson Edition or Dear Diary 3 – the Kris Humphries and Charlie Sheen Edition, you can read them here, here and here. 

P.S. 2:  Hope you have a great 2012 and your investments pay off, your dreams come true, you have good luck with any diets you try and you get a nice big fat tax refund. If you don’t, educate yourself on income taxes right away.  Don’t blame the tax preparer.

Dear Diary - Charlie Sheen & Company Horrorscope

A person born in the Chinese Year of the Ox (also called Year of the Cow) commiserates with Kris Humphries...
Dear Diary – I feel so sorry for Kris Humphries.  Like me, he is born in the Year of the Ox. 2011 was not a good year for romance for Oxen.  In fact, if Kris had read the Chinese horoscope for Oxen at the beginning of 2011, I am sure he would not have tied the knot with Kim.  This is what the 2011 horoscope said about love in connection with being an Ox... “When a love opportunity appears, it might disappear pretty soon”. The same horoscope had other warning signs...“The fortune of 2011 is unstable. They will meet some rainy days and sunny days. Emotions will be up and down. But eventually, Cow people will be back to the quiet life”.  In other words, it was all there in black and white, dear diary – The Hi, let’s get married, bye, single again round trip experienced by Kris with Kim. But it’s 2012 now and if Kris reads his Chinese horoscope for 2012, dear diary, it paints a much nicer picture. It says: “this year your sky of love is full of romance and the single person will encounter with their soul mate this year.” The 2012 horoscope specifies Oxen will be most compatible with Snakes, Rats and Roosters, so I hope Kris is selective, dear diary.  BTW, dear diary...I am itching to ask Kris whether he keeps a diary and whether he plans to rip out the pages about Kim.  I am unsure what I would do in his place.  On one hand, I would be so tempted - who wants to be reminded about painful stuff one would sooner forget.  On the other hand, what if those memories contain the seeds of a fabulous novel or memoir like Circe by Anita Saran!  I don’t know what the right answer is, dear diary.

A Virgoan feels for Charlie Sheen...
Dear Diary -. Being a Virgo can be tough on people. The fifth line of the Wikipedia description of Virgoans explains why. Our sign is a mutable sign with an instinct towards changeability.  On top of that, Mercury is exalted in our sign and a strong Mercury can indicate fickleness or unhealthy restlessness. Any wonder so much bad stuff happened to Charlie Sheen in 2011.  How could he resist the strong forces of his Mercury? I would hate to be a celebrity like him because the media is brutal, dear diary. Look at the fun they had at Charlie's expense in this Comedy Central roast . The good news for Charlie, dear diary, - and I quote Wikipedia again - Virgoans have an easy ability to let go of past situations in preparation for future needs. This has been the case for me, dear diary, and I sure hope it will be the case for Charlie as well.  I read that he has started casting for his new FX show, Anger Management.  Good news, indeed. Finally, regarding the child custody problems Charlie has been facing, keeping him away from his twins, Charlie's fans can take comfort in the fact that "Virgoans hold a remarkable capacity to be comfortable in their own company". Here’s where I read that. I hope 2012 is a better year for Virgos like Charlie and me. I have my fingers crossed.

A hopeless gambler with a bad astrological chart feels a kindred spirit with Lindsay Lohan...

Dear Diary - My perfectly awful astrological start should have told me to lie low in 2011.  But no, I had to take chances knowing that Saturn was entering the 2nd house (or was it stellium entering the 12th house – I can’t remember). But that was a sign of impending financial difficulties and obviously my future self knew of this and was in control of the actions of my present self.  So before I knew it, I was at that casino rolling the dice to try to make some money for my future needs.  And before I knew it, I was several grand in the hole.  Just like Lindsay.  Probably stellium was entering the 12^th house for her in 2011 as well.  Otherwise, why would a person like Lindsay who can afford to buy the Queen’s Jewels, dear diary, steal a necklace from a jewelry store?  An astrological guru subsequently told me Lindsay might have been attracted to the necklace because the gems in it were the right ones to remedy her planets.  I would try to explain this to the judge if I were Lindsay, dear diary.

A person with an unhealthy addiction discovers the answers to his problems and Anthony Weiner's...

Dear Diary - I have a bad habit I need to give up. But I have a huge problem with self-control. So I decided to search for my answer on I-ching Online. I asked the question:  Why do I have such a problem with self-control?  I tossed the coin virtually six times and got my answer: Cast Hexagram 21, described as follows: 

The merciless, searing judgement of Lightning fulfills the warning prophecies of distant Thunder. 

Sage rulers preserved Justice by clearly defining the laws, and by delivering the penalties decreed.

Though unpleasant, it is best to let justice have its due.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:

A terrible reckoning is due.
A wrong will be righted -- and even if it has been you who has been wronged, you will tremble at the terrible power of Justice untempered by Mercy.
Pray for your oppressor, that his punishment will fit his crime.

I immediately saw the light dear diary. It's not me that's at fault, but the people who have been tempting me.  I have started praying for them. I thought about Anthony Weiner.  He had an unhealthy addiction like mine and had to resign from Congress when it became public knowledge.  The media had a field day with it, what with his unfortunate name and all.  At first, I could not understand why Congressman Weiner would jeopardize a successful political career with such indiscretions.  But Cast Hexagram 21 gave me the answer. The ones who are tempting him are the oppressors and they will be punished.  Ex-Congressman Weiner should start praying for them immediately, dear diary. 

P.S.  Dear Reader - this is the third post in the Dear Diary series.  I know this series is a bit out there, but every now and then, I like to push the envelope. If you missed Dear Diary 1 – Socks with Holes Edition, or Dear Diary 2 – Jennifer Hudson Edition, you can read them here and here. 

P.S. 2: This post was inspired by a friend of mine who mentions her Chinese horoscope in every conversation (or every other conversation) she has with me.  You know who you are.  This post also brings back fond memories of a time when one of my dearest and oldest friends would subject me (and anyone else who was available) to some intense I-Ching sessions. Sarandipity, hope you are reading this!

P.S. 3: My post The Man in the Bath-tub mentions people I know who do Tarot and I-ching readings. 

P.S. 4:  Last but not least, hope you have a great 2012, i.e.your Mercury does not act up, your stellium does not enter the 12th house, Cast 21 Hexagram is not in play and if you are single, you meet the Snake, Rooster or Rat who is destined to become your future soul-mate. As always, thanks for reading!

Dear Diary – Jennifer Hudson Edition

Frugal Queen

Dear Diary...my resolution this year is to buy nothing at full price all year. Starting January and going all the way to December. I have begun meditating on these phrases to help me stick to the plan: “Half-price Off”.  “Everything must go”,  “Buy One Get One Free”, “Close-out”, “Everything a Dollar”. People may laugh and call me cheap, dear diary, but I will be the one laughing all the way to the bank. Besides, it's not what you pay which matters, it’s the value you get.  I mean just look at you, dear diary.  I bought you at Dollar Tree for a dollar, and look at the priceless pearls of wisdom you contain!!!

Determined Weight Watcher

Dear Diary...I am determined to get the pounds off this year and reach my target weight of 130 lbs. I will walk the talk.  Cut to the chase. Take no prisoners. Make the rubber meet the road. Mmm....what’s that smell...someone’s baking something really yummy next door... like a cake or something...smells like vanilla......gosh, how am I ever going to do this dear diary? !! I must be strong. Resolute. If Jennifer Hudson can do it, so can I, dear diary! SO CAN I!

Miss Everything-In-Its-Place

Dear Diary – Everyone thinks I am so organized. They look at my kitchen shelves and cupboards and they look at my closets and never fail to compliment me.  They don’t know my terrible secret, dear diary.  My photoboxes are a complete and utter mess.  I have envelopes in there marked with the names of different events.  But I have been throwing photos into them without rhyme or reason and now everything’s a hodgepodge. Pictures of A’s baby shower are mixed right in with pictures of our kitty Samson in the Pet Pictures envelope.  And pictures of D’s wedding are nestled with pictures of Pops’ retirement party in the Pops’s Retirement envelope.  I really need to get them sorted out.  Luckily, only you and I know this embarrassing and awful secret, dear diary.  My resolution is to get it all straightened out this year – that’s a promise.

Halo Seeker

Dear Diary...I was not so good in getting involved with any causes in 2011.  I am determined to redeem myself in 2012.  I have to find a cause that’s convenient.  I don’t want to do anything in the summer or winter...it is likely to be too hot or too cold for me.  Maybe the spring and fall would be good.  My problem is I can’t tell which causes are real and which are just jokes or fakes or not worth pursuing.  I missed the boat with OWS and then I spotted this headline Occupy North Pole, but it turned out to be some silly Christmas wish - from an Indian immigrant named Desna to her family and friends.  Maybe I will protest against High Fructose Corn Syrup or against banning Tebowing in high schools.  I will find something, dear diary.  I am determined to.  Look out for further updates on this. P.S. Dear Diary...speaking of protests, I read about this weird Pink Panty protest in India.  Remind me to tell you about it sometime.

P.S. Dear Readers...this is the second of the Dear Diary series.  If case you missed the Socks with Holes Edition, which could also be called the Harold Camping edition or the Jim Berklund edition,you can read it here.

P.S. 2: Thanks for coming along with me on this blog's journey so far and hope you achieve your resolution (or resolutions) for 2012. If you don’t, it’s not your fault.  It’s the fault of the resolution.  Choose an achievable one. Set the bar lower.  Instead of resolving not to eat anything with added sugar, how about resolving not to eat anything with added sugar for three months.  If that's too high, resolve not to eat anything with added sugar for one month; if that's too high, set the bar lower still - resolve not to eat anything with added sugar for one week.  Ok...I give up....how about not eating anything with added sugar just for today?  I am sure that's a resolution you can keep.:):):)

P.S. 3: One resolution I wish we would all make for 2012 is to lighten up.  Literally and figuratively.  Besides shedding the unhealthy desires and unnecessary possessions which hold us in bondage, we should also shed the stress, anxiety and differences which keep us miserable and transfer to other people.  Frankly, don't you think that's more of a priority than resolving to shed pounds? What's a resolution you wish we would all make -  one that would make the world a better place to live in for more people?

P.S. 4: For frugal queens from other countries planning a visit to the U.S., Dollar Tree is a national chain of stores in which everything is priced at a dollar.  

Dear Diary - Socks With Holes Edition

Child – a few days after the Rapture fails to come to pass in 2011...

Dear Diary...The world was going to end becoz of something called the rapcher so I gave my best doll to Cindy to play with since I thought she should have a turn with it before the world ended.  Now I have a problem.  The world did not end but I can't get the doll back.  Cindy just shakes her head and says "it's mine now". It's not fair.

Child – Week of March 19-March 26 earthquake prediction...

Dear Diary...I am writing this under the dining table with a torchlite. I am too scared to sleep, so I am camped here under the dining table. I will be so releeved when March comes to an end. No one else in my family is taking this seriyus so I may be the only one left.  And you, Dear Diary. I know you will be here to keep me company.

Tween Shopaholic evening of Black Friday, 2011...

Dear Diary... I had such a good day. Me and Jenny went to the Mall together and I bought lots of Christmas presents for everybody. Except for one thing which made me real mad. We went to Papaya and she and me spotted this cute brown jacket at the same time. But she grabbed it before I could, imagine. Even though she knows brown is my favorite color. Other than that, I had fun.  Especially at Abercrombie and Fitch, where I saw this real cute guy.

Teen – at approx 6:30 p.m. one weekday evening...

Dear Diary...I badly wanted Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 and I thought I’d ask Dad outright.  But he was engrossed in his favorite tv show –the one where this crazy guy shouts and screams and utters the word Booyah every few minutes - and he got really ticked off by the interruption. He said “don't you have more important things to think about on a school day - like your homework or your SATs?”. I was bummed. PS- I don’t see what's productive about that show he watches at all - I don't get it!

Twenty something – post TSA ordeal in 2011...

Dear Diary...I had an embarrassing experience at SFO airport. I went to Dallas on a business trip and completely forgot I would have to take my shoes off at Security. As luck would have it, I was wearing a mismatched pair of socks with some prominent holes. Up to that point, I was making quite an impression on the girl behind me with my witty comments and clever talk – but my confidence completely evaporated when I had to take my shoes off.

P.S. This post wouldn't have been possible if not for Harold Camping, Jim Berklund, and more. Thanks to all of them.

P.S. 2:  Now that 2011 is in the rear-view mirror, hope you enjoyed this look back on the events of 2011 - some of which made the year more frustrating, some more annoying and some plain terrifying -  but all of which made the year interesting.

P.S. 3:  Thanks for reading and wishing you an uninteresting 2012 - I suppose!

MAJvertising!

What do you get when you mash up famous advertising slogans with some of the posts on Minoo Jha Actionable Ideas?

MAJvertising!

A few of the posts on my blog described with some well-known advertising slogans...

(Have fun guessing the original brands from which I took the slogans - and also figuring out the original slogans)

Don’t Leave Home Without the 25.

What is remembered is up to you. And Velupillai Potu.

Teen engineered to move the human spirit.

Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and bell bottoms.

Good poetry is like friendship: rich, and warm and strong.

Breakfast of Venus Flytraps.

Take Aim against verbosity.

A different kind of Company. A different kind of Lecture.

Rest, keep warm, drink liquids and have lots of pets. 

P.S. A Google search should help you unearth the original slogans. But in case, you get stumped, I can clue you. As always, thanks for reading!

Happy New Year to All of You

May 2012 bring you...

The Gift of Time

The Gift of Courage

The Gift of Friendship

The Gift of Community

The Gift of Simplicity

The Gift of Capacity

The Gift of Change

The Gift of Peace

The Gift of Forbearance

The Gift of Service

The Gift of Sobriety

The Gift of Energy

The Gift of Discernment

The Gift of Renewal

The Gift of Acceptance

The Gift of Opportunity

The Gift of Enthusiasm

The Gift of Creativity

The Gift of Reunion

The Gift of Authenticity

The Gift of Hope

The Gift of Positive Energy

Or anything else your heart is yearning for!

Best wishes,

Minoo Jha (or Desna,if you will)