How does a habit of blocking communication eventually change the way you view your partner?

When you try to communicate with your partner, depending on what you are trying to communicate, they might block the communication, by doing one of the following…

Not responding.

Saying, “I’m sorry, I am too tired for this. Can we talk about this later?”, only to never actually talk about it later.

Raising their hand to indicate, “Stop. I don’t want to hear any of that.”

Saying something snarky.

Making a firm declaration, such as “I’m not doing  that. Take it or leave it.”

Outright shouting, or screaming, at you.

Making threats.

Doing something angry, which scares you, such as smashing their fist into a wall, or throwing something.

Doing something which makes you feel bad about bringing up the subject, such as getting up from the table, and going to bed, without finishing their food.

Storming out of the room, or even storming out of the house, for several hours.

It is unfortunate, but you can conclude one of the following, from their reactions…

They don’t like conflict.

They don’t know how to deal with conflict.

They do not like engaging on some subjects.

They want to be left alone.

Sensitive subjects might include money, expenses, health, social events, chores.

Living with a partner, like this, makes everything tougher - maintaining a house, managing expenses, raising kids, socializing.

It is love, sacred vows, kids, social mores, and financial dependence, that makes us keep going, even though we may be dismayed, disappointed, and dissatisfied, with how things are.

Eventually, you may find peace apart.

Or your partner may mellow over the years, and through mellowing, and sometimes, through faith, wisdom, and self-reflection, improve on all fronts.

As they become more caring, and more considerate, you may experience a renewed closeness with them, or even a closeness, better than you ever had before, a closeness that’s precious, and you never thought possible.

I have observed this, having observed many couples, through decades of ups and downs.

You may discover, as those couples have, that you loved, and still love your partner, and your partner loved and still loves you, through all the ups and downs, through it all.

Which is precious.

Suggestions to make you achieve this precious closeness faster…

Minoo Jha

· 6y

Is it fair to judge someone's level of love if they don't show it the way we think they should?

Yes and no. Here’s a piece I wrote on the importance of tuning in to the other person in your life… The Secret to Good Relationships - Tuning In Let’s talk about radio stations. If you want to listen to the KFOG radio station, you have to tune in to the frequency of the KFOG radio station. 107.7. You can't tune in to the frequency of the KBAY radio station and expect to hear the KFOG radio station. KBAY music plays on the KBAY radio station. So if you tune in to the frequency of the KBAY radio station, you will hear the music played by KBAY. So now how is this related to dealing with the significant people in your life? You need to tune in to the station of anyone who is significant to you, so you can really hear them. But what happens if you don't like the music that's being played on their station? This is where the problem arises. You don't like the music that's playing on their station. What's more, you may not be able to escape it - living under the same roof, or having to deal with them day in and day out. So you decide the next best thing is to just tune it out. Block out whatever they say as best you can. Using tools like your imagination. While this is a coping tool, it's not a solving tool. It would be nice if you could say to the people in your life, ”Hey I don't like what you are playing on your radio station; can you play this instead?” But of course, that's wishful thinking. It's never going to be as simple as that. If you do that, it will only make things worse. So the same thing goes on and on. And maybe you continue to do what you have always done - try to tune things out. You can live a whole lifetime like this - with nothing changing. And with profound dissatisfaction on all sides. If you desire to have a meaningful, caring, and more easy-going relationship, no two questions about it... You have to tune in. If the dial is stuck, you may be tempted to use your developed reflex to tune out and block out whatever you do not like. But really, you should consider using your alone time as reflection time. And come up with a strategy to replace “blocking out” with “tuning in”. Tuning in might be to ask someone, "What are your thoughts right now?" Or, "What would you like to do right now?" Or, “What is bothering you the most right now?” Or, “How can I make things easier for you?" Or, "Why do you think that?" Life gets more challenging for everyone as we go along. Life gets more challenging physically, mentally, and emotionally. Tuning in may mean acknowledging the increased physical, mental, and emotional challenges the people in your life face. And doing what you can to alleviate them. Tuning in many also mean acknowledging the small things that bother other people. Sometimes what's small to you may be significant to someone else. We are all different. The most successful relationships are those where both people are tuned in. How can you craft and implement the right “tune in” strategy today?

What role does perseverance play in achieving long-term success?

Perseverance is a key, perhaps the key to long-term success.

Those who persevere will achieve more in any sphere (area) of life, than those who don’t.

Firstly, they are keen on using their talents, putting their abilities to work, or pursuing their interests.

So they are likely to start using their talents, abilities, and interests, early in life.

Initially, it may be in a non-professional, hobby setting.

At this stage, they do the activity, for the sheer joy of being able to do it.

Creation is involved.

And they enjoy seeing the results of their creations, as well as experimenting with new ideas.

This is a soft beginning.

A little later, their talents and creations will be discovered, or they will themselves spot an opportunity, to pursue their interests further, either through getting a job, or through a business idea.

This is when their plans and ideas solidify.

At this stage, many people’s ambitions come to rest.

But the persevering person never rests.

They could be happy with the fact, that they are earning money from something they like to do, and are good at doing, and they are gaining knowledge and experience, while practicing what they are good at.

But for the persevering person, that’s not enough.

Their goal is to become better at what they do, to create and do more, to establish a name for themselves, to use their talents, abilities, and experience, beyond what is required just to support themselves.

They are in it to find out how far they can take their talents and skills.

They are in it, not just for the immediate future, but for the future they cannot see.

The long haul.

Regardless of challenges, rejections, disappointments, slow times, and competitive blows, they plan to keep the momentum going.

Not resting in high moments, or grieving in low moments.

When thrown to the mat, instead of thinking, “it’s all over for me”, they pick themselves up, and keep going.

The persevering person may be a short-run pessimist, but they are always a long-term optimist.

They never fail to hope for better times.

It helps them persist.

It helps them expand the number of things they can do, as well as expand the variety of things, they can do.

They are also able to branch out, and extend.

While the non-persevering person, jumps from tree to different tree, allowing too little time to achieve significant success in any area, the persevering person hones and refines what they do, smartly extending what they do, when the opportunity arises.

They don’t make the deadly mistake of losing focus, losing interest, losing traction in the area which they have dedicated their lives to.

Over time, this makes the core of their knowledge, skills, and insights, strong.

It also makes them agile.

Quick thinkers and quick doers.

Persevering people are success attractors.

Over time, they achieve remarkable success.

Looking at their success, the non-persevering person may say, “how lucky they are - they got into the right field, everything clicked for them."

They assume the persevering person’s success was due to advantages, resources, support, and connections.

But it’s neither a true assumption, nor a fair assumption.

The persevering person’s success may have nothing to do with being handed a golden key at birth, or being lucky with resources, connections, and the support to succeed.

It may be entirely self-made.

In fact, the persevering person’s success is significantly due to their persistence and perseverance.

They never gave up.

They kept going.

They were willing to try, and try again.

They stretched themselves to meet new opportunities, not letting complacency make them become non-competitive.

Long after others stopped, or hopped onto a different tree, the persevering person kept at what they were doing, kept the momentum going.

It’s how they got to where they are today.

And it describes the long-term success of most of the successful people I know.

If you ask any of these successful people the question, “what role does perseverance have to play in the success you’ve achieved, and continue to achieve?”, this is the answer you can expect from them….

“EVERYTHING!”

What are some practical steps to open our eyes and evolve, in the face of recurring life challenges?

One piece of advice is to read.

Read holy books.

You can find inspiration from the lives and teachings of people in the holy books.

Here’s an example:

Minoo Jha

· 6y

Why is it important to forgive?

Hi, You asked, Why is it important to forgive? Forgiving is both an aspiration. And a coping strategy. It is important to getting along with the most important people in our lives. It is important to thriving. And it is important to happiness. You may never be able to forget what someone did. But you can learn to forgive them for it. Forgiving is not easy. But if you turn to the strength within, you can do it. I wrote a post last Easter. It is about how Jesus Christ is the perfect example of turning to the strength within. Even if you are from a different faith, or have no faith, it it worth a read. The Strength Within When you have to make sense of the senseless…turn to the strength within. That’s what Jesus did. He made sense of the senseless by turning to the strength within. Today, Easter Sunday, is a day to make the amazing strength of Jesus to deal with the senseless, your inspiration. He showed us how it’s done. Let's do it. When you have to cope with disappointment…turn to the strength within. That’s what Jesus did. He coped with disappointment by turning to the strength within. Today, Easter Sunday, is a day to make the strength of Jesus to deal with disappointment, your inspiration. He showed it can be done. Let’s do it. When you suffer great pain…turn to the strength within. That’s what Jesus did. He suffered great pain by turning to the strength within. Today, Easter Sunday, is a day to make the strength of Jesus to suffer great pain, your inspiration. He showed it can be done. Let’s do it. When you are dealing with rejection…turn to the strength within. That’s what Jesus did. He dealt with rejection by turning to the strength within. Today, Easter Sunday, is a day to make Jesus' capacity for dealing with rejection, your inspiration. He showed it can be done. Let's do it. To forgive and forget…turn to the strength within. That’s what Jesus did. He forgave and forgot by turning to the strength within. Today, Easter Sunday, is a day to make the amazing strength of Jesus to forgive and forget, your inspiration. He showed it can be done. Let’s do it. To find the will to persist in your mission…turn to the strength within. That’s what Jesus did. He found the will to persist in his mission by turning to the strength within. Today, Easter Sunday, is a day to make the will of Jesus to persist in his mission, your inspiration. Let’s do it. When your faith is tested…turn to the strength within. That’s what Jesus did. When his faith was tested, he turned to the strength within. Today, Easter Sunday, is a day to make the amazing capacity of Jesus to continue to be faithful, your inspiration. He showed how it’s done. Let’s do it. Don’t let disappointment crush you, don’t let shame, humiliation, or grief, submerge you, don’t let betrayal and rejection weaken your faith, don’t let bitterness make it hard for you to forgive… Just turn to the strength within…like Jesus did. What better day, than today, to make a new promise to yourself… “I will turn to the strength within!”

Read biographies.

Biographies of people you admire.

Read their biographies in full.

Or read the Wikipedia versions.

Or read summaries on websites, like History.com.

You will find out how your heroes coped with challenges.

Many great people achieved greatness, and made their mark in history, through unusual means.

If there ever was an unusual means, it was consulting the Oracles of Delphi.

Alexander the Great would not have left such a mark on history, if not for consulting the Oracles of Delphi.

Diogenes dealt with the challenge of having being caught out in an act of shame, by consulting and heeding the Oracles of Delphi.

What is the modern day version of consulting the Oracles of Delphi?

Astrology, fortune-telling, numerology?

Praying - and seeking answers through prayer, with an open mind, may be all that you need.

Minoo Jha

· 7y

How can you speak concretely to the unconscious mind?

Just being more open to Miracles…. Principles of Miracles 1. There is no order of difficulty in miracles. One is not "harder" or "bigger" than another. They are all the same. All expressions of love are maximal. 2. Miracles as such do not matter. The only thing that matters is their source, which is far beyond evaluation. 3. Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle. So begins the book “A Course in Miracles”, a book that has inspired countless people over the decades, including authors and life coaches such as Julia Cameron, Gabrielle Bernstein and Iyanla Vanzant. The book has a fascinating history. The story goes like this…. The year is 1958. William Thetford, a Phd in psychology joins Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons as a psychology professor, during which time, he also serves as Director of Clinical Psychology at the Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital. Shortly after, he hires a research associate and associate professor by the name of Helen Schucman. Helen Schucman is great at her work, but she and William Thetford do not get along. Frequent arguments and disagreements characterize their working relationship. One day, after one of their heated arguments, Thetford is completely fed up and delivers an impassioned speech to Helen. He says it is totally crazy they butt heads about everything, cannot see eye to eye, and can't work agreeably with each other. At the end of the speech, he declares “There has to be another way”. His speech, far from upsetting Helen Schucman, strikes a deep chord in her. She is especially struck by the words, “There has to be another way”. Helen has a series of visions and dreams thereafter. Then on October 21, 1965, a voice (which she takes to be the voice of Jesus) says to her, “This is a Course in Miracles. Take notes.” Startled, Helen gets out a pencil, and begins to take down what the voice is saying, in shorthand. The first words said by the voice are “This is a Course in Miracles. Take notes.” This is followed by Principles of Miracles. The next day, Helen reluctantly tells Thetford about the voice and the notes. He encourages her to continue taking notes, and even offers to type them up for her. Over several years, Helen experiences the voice every night, and continues to take notes. She dictates the notes to Thetford, who types them up. By the time the voice stops, the manuscript is 600 pages long, and 7 years have passed. They make photocopies of the manuscript, and give one of the copies to Father Benedict Groeschel, a Roman Catholic priest, who studied under Thetford, and is also known to Helen. Father Benedict Groeschel gives the manuscript to a friend Kenneth Wapnick, who has led a fascinating and miraculous life himself. Like Helen, Kenneth has experienced several dreams and epiphanies; one of them results in him becoming a Roman Catholic, though he was raised in the Jewish tradition. The night Kenneth meets Helen, he tosses and turns, and sleepless in bed, he remembers a dream he had the year before. In the dream, he is among a group of people, much younger than himself, when suddenly, a very wise middle-aged woman lawyer enters the room, takes him aside, and asks him 3 questions. One of the questions is “If you could change any of your childhood experiences, what would you change?” Kenneth gives the answer - which proves to be the correct one - he would not change anything, since all was the way it should be, and the past no longer matters. Kenneth wakes up, and half-awake, half-asleep, it dawns on him, the woman in the dream is Helen. Wapnick has 2 more uncanny dreams - both featuring a book - at which time, he decides he should delay no longer in reading Helen's manuscript. Wapnick planned to spend his life as a monk in Israel, but after these three dreams, he writes a letter to Helen informing her will be visiting the US briefly, and plans to read her book during his visit. Reading A Course in Miracles completely changes his plans. He recognizes Helen’s book as the perfect blend of psychology and spirituality, and decides his mission is to stay in America to help Helen edit and publish the book, and to make it his life’s work to spread the book's message of forgiveness. So he and Helen start work on editing the book. Soon after it is published, they start the organization, Foundation for a Course in Miracles, to help people transform their lives through adopting A Course in Miracles. Thetford, too, dedicates the rest of his life to spreading the word of A Course in Miracles. And when he retires, he decides to meditate on the message of a Course in Miracles in his own life. If Schucman, Thetford and Wapnick experienced all the miracles they did, it was because they were open to miracles. It is very important to be open to miracles in our life. Not all things come through thinking, and reflection and planning, and willpower. Many unexpected things happen as a result of grace. When I was 27, I became a vegetarian literally overnight. I remember that day, because I met up with friends, and we talked about going on a hunting trip. I did not know, I was to experience a complete change of heart that very night. It was waiting for me in a little known Lewis Carroll story called Sylvie and Bruno. I had borrowed the book Alice in Wonderland from my friend Anita, because I wanted to re-read it as an adult, and see if I took anything new from it. In the book Anita lent me, there was another short story by Caroll, “Sylvie and Bruno ”, at the end of the book. “Hmm….” I said, “I wonder what this is about.” I found myself reading the story of a man who converses with two fairies in his garden called Sylvie and Bruno. At one part of the story, Sylvie and Bruno see a dead hare. Sylvie wants to know how the hare died. The man explains to her it was killed by hunters. Weeping, she wants to know, why do human beings hunt? To which the man sorrowfully answers, “Just to prove they have good aim.” The vanity and senselessness of hunting struck me right there and then, and I found tears streaming down my face. I determined to become a vegetarian, as soon as possible, and the very next day, I started eliminating meat from my diet. I became a gradual vegetarian over the next 3 years. What is this, if not a miracle? We have to be open to miracles. Throughout history, well-known figures achieved breakthroughs in their life, because they were open to miracles. Have you read about St. Augustine? If you have, you will know he was a typical young man, indulging in wine, women and song. His mother, who was a devout Christian, implored him to mend his ways, but her words fell on deaf ears. Then one day, when Augustine was visiting his mother, he heard a childlike voice say, “Take up and read.” This was a turning point for him. Augustine took it as a divine command to open his Bible and read the first thing his eyes laid on. Augustine read from Paul's Epistle to the Romans – the “Transformation of Believers” section, consisting of chapters 12 through 15 – in which Paul outlines how the Gospel transforms believers and their behavior. …“Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying, but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh to fulfill the lusts thereof.” He was a converted man from that day. Have you read about Diogenes the Cynic? He and his father were engaged in debasing currency, and when they were banished from Sinope for their crime, Diogenes visited the Delphi Oracles to find out what the future held for him. The Oracle at Delphi instructed him to adulterate the political and cultural traditions of the day. So Diogenes moved to Athens, and dedicated the rest of his life to doing that; to debunking all that was false in Athenian society. Have you read about the apple falling on Newton's head? Surely that is a miracle. Have you read about Archimedes in the bath? Surely that is a miracle. Just be open to more miracles…and your subconscious mind will become your biggest ally.

Are you a physical, rather than spiritual person at this point?

Stretching yourself physically might be the answer to dealing with the challenges of life.

Get yourself a trainer.

Or find a partner, or partners, with whom you can stretch yourself, physically.

Read self-help books that are written for someone like you.

Books about people who have stretched themselves physically.

Minoo Jha

· 7y

Why would you choose a harder path in life, when others run away do you stay and fight for your path?

Hi Kennedy, You asked, Why would you choose a harder path in life, when others run away do you stay and fight for your path? Things which are worth it, which are valuable, are rarely easy. We have to stretch to get them. Most people don’t reach the levels they are capable of. This is simply because they get comfortable too easily. They get comfortable too fast. They are willing to do only so much, and no more! They find it impossible to find the time, to find the energy, to do anything more, anything extra. But I know from experience when I find the time and the energy to do more, I gain so much. It is my sweat equity which has got me to where I am today - a successful Commissions Administration and Sales Comp Consultant. At times it was (and is) exhausting, at times challenging, but in the end, I have arrived at a better, more satisfying place as a result of the extra effort. In the prologue of Spartan Up, Joe de Sena, reflects on participating in the Raid International Ukatak, an extreme sports event... Here's what he says: “An inverse correlation exists between how you feel during the race, and how you feel after it.” De Sena felt like a million bucks after the Ukatak was over, but during the event, he was utterly miserable, frightened, and desperate, at many points. He adds, “When you break through the other side of hell and finish an event that did not seem possible, that stopped you in your tracks, over and over, something happens. You feel accomplished, incredibly proud of yourself, and in some ways, a different person” I totally agree. If a chicken can play America the Beautiful, surely I can stretch myself and get beyond where I currently am. And so can anyone else.

Keep an eye out for quotations and one liners.

Sometimes a single line of wisdom can change the trajectory of your life.

Recently, I came across this quote:

"A fool is better than an obstinate man".

It made me think about all the things I am obstinate about.

And the things I used to be obstinate about, and stopped being obstinate about, bringing a welcome change in my life.

What are you being obstinate about?

Being obstinate could be what is holding you back from dealing with your current life challenges.

Obstinate that you can’t do something - because you have never done it before.

Obstinate that you are too old, or too young, or too whatever, to start something, or to give up something.

Obstinate that you can’t do something, because you have tried many times, and you have failed.

Obstinate that you are right, and others are wrong.

Obstinate that you can't help be resentful about a situation.

Obstinate that you hold the truth, and others don't.

What are you currently obstinate about?

What are ways to open your eyes and evolve?

If you know someone wise, ask them.

Have conversations with people whose ideas you value.

Watch or listen to podcasts.

Read blog posts.

Expand the number of people you interact with.

You can learn something new almost everyday.

Recently, I learned this from someone at my book club:

She told me that the founder of Sikhism wanted to create a religion that avoided the worst of Hinduism and the worst of Islam.

Since Hinduism was intrinsically linked with the caste system, and with many gender atrocities at the time, the founder decided that there would be only two last names for Sikh men and Sikh women. Sikh men would have the last name, Singh - which means lion, and Sikh women would have the last name Kaur - which means princess.

From Google AI, I was able to learn more…

“Sikhism mandates absolute spiritual and social equality between men and women. The faith’s scriptures reject female infanticide, the veiling of women, and the notion that women are impure. Both genders possess equal rights to participate in religious, cultural, and leadership roles.”

If you were to found a religion, and take the best of today’s religions, what would you include in it? What would you exclude?

The challenges of life are there to help us evolve.

The challenges are questions to which we are invited to seek answers.

There are many ways and places to search for those answers.

Both Newton and the Buddha found their answers sitting under a tree.

Answers are found by thinking or meditating deeply.

Those who give themselves time to think deeply, to self-reflect, to tap into the wisdom available, and to access their unconscious mind through prayer and meditation, will find the answers they seek.

Is oversharing a negative trait? What's the correct way to share something about yourself?

Oversharing can be a sign of self-centeredness.

Self-centeredness is an unattractive quality.

People like to be around those who listen to them, not just treat them as a ear for all their thoughts, and feelings.

Minoo Jha

 · 2y

Why do people love to talk about themselves?

Hi, Why do people like talking about themselves so much? Because that’s what’s on their mind - what’s happening to them, what they are doing, how good or bad they are, what problems they have, what they did or did not do on a day. I answered a Quora question, “How do I find fascinating conversationalists?” I listed these suggestions. * The best conversationalists are storytellers. So I would say look for people who are storytellers. * I would also look for people who are interested in a lot of things, and read a lot. People who are interested in lots of things and read a lot will always have something new and interesting to share. * Finally, I would look for people who are great listeners. As I have said on my blog, interested people are interesting. * Until you find “your people”, I would tune into talks, podcasts and You Tube videos. I have discovered several riveting talks, podcasts and videos. Have you listened to Alan Watts, Sadhguru, or Jordan Peterson? Have you listened to This American Life? I am so excited to even list these options. I can’t wait to see what you think of them. I need to add one more bullet point, triggered by your question: * Find people who are other-centered, rather than self-centered

As you become less self-centered, you will become better at being “conversational company”.

“Conversational company” is different from being company to sing with, company to dance with, company to travel with, company to eat with, company to attend a business meeting with, or company to attend an event with.

Those who are skilled at “conversational company” do thoughtful sharing.

They know when to share, and how to share.

Those who have a natural or developed “conversational company” talent, do not avoid sharing, but share in a positive way.

And they share with humility.

I will leave you with one important thought on becoming better conversational company...

Interesting people are interested people.

What decisions in my life gave me the biggest growth?

Here are some of them:

Career:

The decision to start my own advertising hot-shop, Purple Patch in my first career. I learned to manage money, people, time, clients - in a way I would never have been able to, prior to that.

The decision to learn Xactly, and become a freelance Commissions Analyst in my second career.

I learned to be flexible.

I learned to adapt to different client’s needs, priorities, quirks, and limitations - over 17 clients in all.

I became the ideal temp in the process.

Hobbies:

The decision to start a blog.

I grew into a writer, who cared less about making an impression, and into a writer, who cared about sharing my thoughts, having an influence, leaving a legacy, and helping people avoid the mistakes I have made.

Over time, my writing has become simpler and simpler.

I aim to reach the maximum number of readers.

I do this with answering questions on Quora as well.

Quora has been a great lab.

If an answer of mine gets a lot of views on Quora, I understand the question must be important to a lot of people.

So I republish the Quora answer on my blog, so it can benefit the readers of my blog.

Author Joseph Sestito helped me to become less self-cherishing in my writing.

I have hit the publish button on blog posts and Quora answers, even when I am uncertain about their quality, thanks to reading his book, Write For Your Lives.

I have matured into a less self-cherishing person, overall, thanks to the wisdom that time, experience, reading, listening, conversing, meditating, and attending Sunday services, has brought me.

Finances:

The decision to become financially savvy.

Becoming a freelancer made me sharply aware of the need.

Freelancers cannot afford to take their eye off of their finances.

There will be gaps between assignments, when no money comes in.

I made the decision to become a freelancer, knowing this fully well.

I felt I was in a good position to become a freelancer.

I had low monthly bills to pay, being a minimalist.

I had absorbed the idea that minimalism is the shortest route to financial freedom, by reading online articles by Mr. Money Mustache and other FIRE advocates, for years before.

I doubled down on the idea, after becoming a freelancer, giving myself the goal to create FMG money.

FMG money is necessary for success if you are a freelancer, or any sort of self-employed person - whether hairdresser, or electrician, personal trainer, or consultant.

I was in great shape to create FMG money, for one thing, having done my taxes myself continuously since 2003, and two, having read a lot of finance books, including Robert Kiyosaki’s book Rich Dad Poor Dad, which was a wake-up book for me.

When it came to my stock investments, I ate humble pie and donuts early, and never looked back.

Life Choices

The decision to have a child.

It changed my habits, and changed my priorities.

Suddenly, there was this little thing that was completely dependent on me for everything.

I became more responsible.

I stopped drinking, not wanting to be in the position where I might need to take my daughter to a doctor, in an impaired state.

Instead of typical job benefits like more money and promotions, I asked for flexibility.

Different stages of my child's life called for different things.

So I became a different version of myself at every stage.

At this stage, Support Mom and Lighthouse Mom, are the most appropriate roles.

Relationships:

I have made my share of mistakes.

In some cases, the mistakes were because of a crisis.

What's important, is I am in a better place now, in each of my relationships - as a parent, as an ex, as a sibling, as an in-law, as a friend.

I learned to meditate in the fall of 2010, after reading the book How God Changes Your Brain.

Since then, I have worked on lots of my issues, including my volatile temper. 

I became more self-reflective.

Becoming more self-reflective opened my eyes to all the "irritable unspoken commentary" that ran in my head, in response to what people said, did, even posted.

Of course, I was always right, and the other person was always wrong.

To paraphrase Robert Heinlein, "We are not rational people; we are rationalizing people." 

After learning to meditate, I decided to improve myself inside and out.

Become  a low maintenance person.

I stopped many things - including being defensive of actions and ideas, that other people did not share, or subscribe to.

Since 2014, I also began attending church on Sundays.

Attending church has become a meaningful part of my week.

I have had many spiritual breakthroughs and creative breakthroughs, right there in church.

Speaking of creative breakthroughs, there is one from many years ago, in fact in my early years of meditation, which I never tire of sharing.

My 3 benches experience.

I find it hard to dismiss it as a pure coincidence.

Life brings us bouquets and blows.

Life brings us laughter and tears.

Life brings us things we are proud of, and things we regret.

Life brings us all that we see, hear, touch, taste, smell, read, experience, and think about.

Most of all, life brings us other lives.

All of them contribute to our growth.

After being defiantly individual, I learned to cooperate with all the other lives in my life.

After being defiantly self-centered, I became other-centered, welcoming the role of “the other artist” and of a higher, unseen wisdom.

In my quest for growth, I no longer walk alone.

There is wisdom all around me to help me grow.

I just have to be open to it, and not reject it, as it has been my habit to do.

How do wealthy people avoid potentially career-ending decisions?

Wealthy people do not have to worry so much about career-ending decisions.

What they have to worry about, is wealth-ending decisions.

Wealth can be lost by slow leaks.

Wealth can also be lost in the blink of an eye.

Those who put their trust in Bernie Madoff, learned the hard way, that wealth can be lost in the blink of an eye.

Wealth can be lost, in so many different ways.

• Poor investment choices.
• Taking unnecessary risks.
• Making risky investment gambles.
• Lack of diversification.
•  Not saving enough.
•  Not letting compounding work.

• Saving only to spend on immediate pleasures and gratifications.
• Spending too much when buying a house, a car.
• Spending to keep up with the Joneses.
• Having expensive tastes early in your career trajectory.
• Getting involved in sketchy deals.
• Letting addictions, whether to substances, or to gambling, or to sex, get the better of one.
• Taking on unnecessary debt.
• Not paying things on time.
• Causing oneself unnecessary payments, through fines, parking tickets, tows etc.
• Making accidental or deliberate errors on one’s W4.
• Not paying one's taxes, or doing sketchy things, to avoid paying taxes.
• Using one’s home equity as a bank to draw money from.
• Saving in tax-deferred vehicles such as 401Ks, and Traditional IRAs - only to take out money, before turning 59 and a half, and and paying a hefty penalty plus tax.
• Being ignorant (or irresponsible) about taxes, insurance, and other information required to protect wealth.

On the other hand, here are the things wealthy people do:

• Wealthy people put their wealth in different buckets.
• They make sure they have enough money in the cash bucket - Cash is not just for emergencies. It is also for opportunities. It doesn't matter that the cash is not earning much, or growing much, such as at times when interest rates on cash are low. The principal purpose of the cash bucket is to be available for opportunities and emergencies. It is not to earn money. Wealthy people have money in other buckets, which are growing and earning money.
• Wealthy people let compounding work for them - This means they resist taking out money from their 401Ks and their IRAs, before turning 59 and a half.
• They also don't get impatient and chase "fast buck" opportunities.
• Compounding is boring, but wealthy people know that boring is good, and boring will get the job done.
• Wealthy people insure all their assets appropriately - with the right insurance companies, and the right coverage.
• Wealthy people never get themselves into an unmanageable debt hole, by letting interest build up upon interest upon interest.

• Wealthy people know what to expect at tax time. They use calculators such as the Dinkytown.net 1040 calculator to model their taxes ahead of time, so there are no unnecessary surprises. They know all the tax brackets, and in fact, many are able to do their taxes manually, because they have familiarized themselves with the ins and outs of the tax code, keeping up with yearly changes. J K Lasser is a familiar name to them.

• Wealthy people let compounding work for them. They let their money grow.
• Wealthy people never scramble to pay their credit card off every month, never scramble to pay their bills, never scramble to pay their taxes.
• Wealthy use their money and assets to make money. In solid ways, not hustling high-risk schemes, which can go sideways fast, or turn out to be empty shells. Wealthy people aim to reach a stage, where they don’t have to work for money - they can work, purely because they enjoy working, or enjoy the work they do.

A simple wow to make today, in order to get to the same place, without the missteps...

Become less of a hustler, scrambler, and gambler.

Every time you hustle or scramble, make a note of it.

Make a note of the reasons why you are hustling, scrambling, or gambling.

Is it because you are short of money?

Is it because you made a wrong decision, and now you are trying to correct for it?

Is it because it is thrilling to make a fast buck?

Make a wow to yourself, to break free of hustling, scrambling, and gambling.

Make a vow to get on the boring "gets you there" path, and to follow a sane philosophy of investing.

Do this….and you will be on the path to "comfortable security", which is a luxury for most people.

Which path do you want to be on?

Path 1 - the path to comfortable security, which is a luxury for most people.

Path 2 - the path most people find themselves on - the path of hustling, scrambling, gambling, and grinding on.

The choice is yours.

What have I learned about the things I cannot change?

Here are some of the things....

To not talk about it incessantly.

Perhaps, as a guide, to talk about it only once to each new person (though this is easier said than done).

What’s on our mind plays on our tongue, again and again.

To think of it as a cross I have to bear.

We will get the same criticisms.

The same people will insult us in the same ways.

The same people will get angry with us in the same ways.

The same people will have disagreements with us in the same ways.

The same losses will replay in our minds, again and again.

We will respond to these situations in the same ways.

To think of it as a puzzle to be solved...

We can also think of our challenges as puzzles to be solved.

If it’s something mechanical, biological, or technical, we can keep searching for solutions.

We might be able to solve the puzzle - sooner or later.

Or the puzzle may be solved for us.

A solution may emerge.

But if it’s something persistent and pervasive, or something there’s no turning the clock back on, then we may have to turn to prayer, meditation and therapy..

If peace and serenity is a challenge, we can, for instance, say the Serenity Prayer, regularly.

The Serenity Prayer is prayed by recovering alcoholics all over the world.

If it works for recovering alcoholics, it may also work for us.

You probably know the Serenity Prayer.

It is as universal as the song Amazing Grace.

It is as powerful as the song Hallelujah.

If you do not know it, here’s how it goes…

God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

It definitely helps to develop acceptance.

It definitely helps to develop courage.

It definitely helps to develop discernment.

The combination of the three is a triple power to deal with sufferings and challenges, to escape the prison of our behaviors and feelings, and move towards positive thought, behavior, and action.

We are not condemned to live a miserable life.

To stay hopeful, in circumstances, dire and tragic, is what each of us will, at one point or another, be called upon to do.

Minoo Jha

 · 4y

How do you cope with family members that make you feel awful?

There are going to be some relatives in everyone’s life who make them feel awful. In fact, being a hypersensitive person, anyone could make me feel awful very easily. Until I worked on myself and learned to “carry things lightly”. I wrote this piece about it. The Art of Carrying Things Lightly We have so much to worry about in life. Our possessions, our finances, our jobs, our health, our children, our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our investments, the economy– things big and small – keep us constantly worried. A mine can be waiting for us anywhere…in the next relationship, in the next spate of inclement weather, or on the next newscast. Our world can change in a moment. And sometimes it does. But when you think about it, our responses to events and triggers are just habits. We have not been pre-programmed from birth to respond the way we currently do. When we were babies, we yelled at the top of our lungs and till we were blue in the face, if we were in discomfort, or if we needed something. But we grew out of that pretty quickly, didn't we? If we could do it as a child, what is to stop us now, when we are grown people, and have the capacity to reason? If we respond in set ways to triggers and events, it’s because we have made it a habit to respond in set ways to triggers and events. We just have to make up our minds to quit responding in those set ways. We can re-program our responses at any age, and in any circumstances, and in any area. Once upon a time, I used to be a rageaholic, getting crazily angry when my buttons were pushed. But I successfully re-programmed myself. I discovered rage was a habit and I quit it. Once upon a time, I used to be hyper hyper-sensitive. But I successfully re-programmed myself. I discovered being hyper-sensitive was a habit. And I quit it. Once upon a time, I was a slave to some foods (such as rice) and I had to eat them every day. But I discovered specific foods were just a habit. And I quit them. I successfully reprogrammed myself. Once upon a time, I was unable to be anything but a helicopter mom or a tiger mom. But I discovered being a helicopter mom and a tiger mom were a habit. And I quit being either of them. I successfully re-programmed myself. Part of successfully re-programming ourselves is learning to carry things lightly. When you learn to carry things lightly, your responses automatically change. You stop freaking out. You stop having over-the-top responses to things. After all, few things call for a strong response. An emergency may require a strong response. An injustice may require a strong response. It's hard to think of anything else. Reprogram yourself to carry everything in your life lightly. Reprogram yourself to carry your success lightly. You should be able to fly coach, and to stand at a bus stop waiting for a bus. You should be able to wipe down your car, or even your child’s car. Reprogram yourself to carry your professional status lightly. You should be able to roll up your sleeves and do anything. Help your admin assistant clean up after an office lunch, for instance. Reprogram yourself to carry your job security and job satisfaction lightly. Conditions can change even in the most attractive of jobs or businesses. Your status and responsibilities can get reduced. A new manager might start cracking down. Because of the economy or competitive forces, a job or business, which once seemed secure, can become shaky; a layoff or unexpected circumstances can leave you adrift. Everyone should read the book, The Alliance, by Reid Hoffman to toughen up. It will help you carry your job security and job satisfaction lightly. The book was written to help you understand that even if your job came with an offer letter and benefits, it really is only a contract without an end-date. Anytime, this contract can end. Reprogram yourself to carry your relatively lower professional or economic status lightly. If you have not done as well as others and watched people go ahead of you, even though you started out with a clear advantage, be the big person. You should be able to support the success of those more successful than you. The true test of you being able to carry the situation lightly is doing so, without expecting anything in return. With luck, you could get to be the Roy Disney to Walt Disney, the Charlie Munger to Warren Buffett. It's possible. Reprogram yourself to carry your abilities lightly. An ability can lose its value. It can lose its relevance or charm. It can get upstaged. It can be lost as a result of a mishap, or as a result of getting older. If your carry your abilities lightly, you will be able to adapt to any new reality, even one that comes at the cost of your professional and financial status. Carrying your abilities lightly means you will be able to be productive, no matter what. Likewise, reprogram yourself to carry your disabilities lightly. Some of us are born with a disability; some of us will experience a disability as a result of a mishap, or a series of mishaps. For some of us, a habit can turn into a problem, eventually wreaking havoc with our ability. And growing older by itself, can strip us of the ability to do certain things. Whatever the case, we have to learn to carry our disabilities lightly. Which means we have to live life without becoming bitter, grumpy, irritable and cantankerous. Reprogram yourself to carry your knowledge and education lightly. Just because you are smart and capable doesn't mean you will be given the best opportunities. 'Taken opportunities' are sometimes "taken opportunities"; no point hankering for a seat at that table. You may be relegated to work that is below your knowledge and skill level. The only ‘sure’ way out of this is to keep changing jobs until you find your sweet spot. Or else, become an entrepreneur and call the shots. Otherwise, it’s best to carry your knowledge and skills lightly. As a consultant, I strive to be maximally useful to my managers, and sometimes it means doing what no one else on the team wants to do. If the greatest need on a particular day is for a gopher, I volunteer myself. But Minoo, how will I keep up with my skills and knowledge, if I get stuck doing the low-value stuff. Yes, if you are stuck doing low value stuff, and you feel you are ready for something more challenging, by all means look for a better opportunity and move on. In my case, all my assignments are temporary, so I have the confidence that if I don’t get to use my higher level skills at one assignment, I will definitely get to use them at another. So I never worry about what's happening in the present moment. It's one of the advantages of being a consultant. If a work situation has you frustrated, I recommend you take a step back and reflect. If you don't see any value, or future, in what you are doing, bow out and find something more suited to your knowledge and skill level. Reprogram yourself to carry your ideas and opinions lightly. Remember everyone has ideas and opinions, not just you. And their ideas and opinions are just as legitimate to them, as your opinions and ideas are to you. You shouldn't forever be trying to make a point, or to win converts to your way of thinking. You should try to see the other side. You should try to look at the big picture. For instance, I have observed we are unable to appreciate any social or political changes which benefit the marginalized; except of course, when we are the marginalized ones. To me the mark of civilization is how a country or society treats its most marginalized citizens. This is what I mean by seeing the bigger picture. Reprogram yourself to carry your crises lightly. You should not go “oh my god, oh my god, what am I going to do?” in response to every crisis. Crises have a way of sorting themselves out. A year or two later, the memory of the crisis might serve as a lesson, if that. Recently my car got towed, and I said to my daughter, "Oh my god, I made the worst mistake of my life. I parked in the visitor parking in front of the apartments and I got towed”. My daughter answered "Mom, don't be so dramatic. How could that be the worst mistake of your life?" It brought me down to earth. Reprogram yourself to carry your losses lightly. I know this is a tough one. You could lose everything because of an unfortunate event, or sequence of events. Still you can choose how to respond to that. You could either wallow in self-pity, inaction, or self-destruction. Or you could make a pact with yourself to put the past behind you, and build your life on what you have left. It comes down to a choice. Reprogram yourself to carry your possessions lightly, even if they are expensive possessions such as your house, your valuables, or your car, all of which can be lost, damaged, repossessed or claimed by someone else. When people get into accidents, they get into a rage. Don’t let this be you. Carry the fact of owning a car lightly. You should understand that being out on the road and driven, your car is ever at risk. If driving stresses you out, find solutions. Also even though you have a car, you should be able to walk, sometimes; you should be able to walk like a mother walks her baby. Just because you have a car, doesn't mean you have to drive everywhere, and all the time; you can walk, you can take public transport. A baby or child is going to enjoy a walk with their parents, much more than being strapped in a car seat, and they are also ill-equipped to deal with their parents' driving stress. When my daughter was a baby, and I was still a new driver in the US, I once drove from Oakland to San Jose in a car I was test-driving. During the 50 mile journey, my daughter’s blanky fell, and she started yelling for her blanky. My response was to yell back, because I was stressed. Several miles passed with both her and me yelling. Had we been walking and she been in her stroller, I would have just picked up her blanky and said "here you go". We should carry things lightly because we were meant to “thrive”, not just to survive. We eat to survive. We eat right to thrive. We wear clothes to survive. We look after our bodies and dress right to thrive. We go to bed at night to survive. We relax to thrive. It is important to recognize whether we are doing things just to survive, or doing things to thrive. Try to introduce more of the “thrive” activities in your life. It is a sure way to carry things lightly. Meditation, exercise, involving yourself in a worthwhile cause, and lightening up your schedule are all ways to reprogram yourself in the art of carrying things lightly. Get busy thriving, rather than just surviving. I sincerely hope you will take the message of this post - which is to carry things lightly -to heart. I believe if each of us does that, we can make life better, not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.

In some circumstances, we may have to go beyond prayer, meditation, and therapy.

We may have to step out of our self-centeredness, and reach out to others.

We may have to use our time and resources, in the service of a greater cause.

For many of us, this is the point at which we renew ourselves.

This is the point our life truly takes a turn for the better.

As many know, from first hand experience, good things often follow some of the worst experiences in our lives.

The triumphant side of us emerges.

The persevering side of us emerges.

The resilient side of us emerges.

The solution-oriented side of us emerges.

Bad experiences can serve a purpose in our lives, greater than anything we expected.

Making heroes out of us.

Unlikely and surprising heroes.

One person's bad experiences can change the trajectory of history.

Think of Gandhi getting thrown out of that train compartment in South Africa.

And there are examples closer home.

As I said in my post, 10 Lessons You Can Learn From My Life..."how you react to the good things in your life, is not as important as how you react to the bad things in your life".

Imagination can also help us.

Imagination can help us escape torment.

Imagination can bring us hope.

Imagination can bring us healing insights.

Imagination can infuse us with transcendent thought and spirit.

If we give our imagination enough time to work, the solution that comes to us, is usually not a run of the mill imperfect solution, but a perfect solution.

Quiet time may be necessary for this.

Minoo Jha

 · 6y

How has thinking big improved your life?

Thinking creatively has improved my life more than thinking big. I have used creativity to solve problems, find the best use for things, and to reframe situations. Here’s one example where my imagination helped me, when my brain child was cast aside on an assignment. The entire post, if you want to read it, is called The Element of Imagination and Its Hope for Helping Us Develop Toughness With Compassion and Artful Flair, and is available on my Minoo Jha Life Strategies blog. Here is the excerpt regarding my brain child being cast aside, and how I used my imagination to shake myself out of my negative thoughts and feelings, and to be a bigger person. Using our imagination to reframe a situation… Any situation can be reframed with the help of our imagination. On one assignment, I pulled out all the stops to design new commission statements, and develop a new Excel model to do commissions. However, when I was passing control of my job to the commissions analyst who was to take my place, he and the new company controller decided to abandon my model and create their own model. It was a blow to my self-esteem, and hard to stomach. We want it to be hard for anyone to fill our shoes. We want our absence to cause pain. We want our brain children to be cherished. So my initial thoughts and feelings were all negative. But then, I started meditating, and it helped me transcend these negative thoughts. 3 Deer at a Stream I suddenly had this vision of self-esteem being a stream of water, and the new analyst, new controller, and myself all as deer drinking from the stream. I had had my turn at the stream. Now it was theirs. When I had to prove myself, the stream of self-esteem was there for me. Now it was someone else’s time to shine. Later on, it would be someone else’s time, still. From the moment this image entered my mind – my mindset was different. It was hard to say if I held this image - of the 3 deer drinking from a stream - or the image held me. But during my last weeks at the company, I cheerfully finished up my assignment, and continuously encouraged, praised and supported the new analyst and the Controller. Now years later, I feel a warm glow towards them. Tuli Kupferberg says: “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge. When I was able to escape the normal way of thinking it was almost that I saw all the characters in the scenario in a different alternate world” This is what happened to me. I entered an alternate world. And my imagination helped me get there. I now realize situations can exist in many different spheres, and our imagination can take us to a different sphere. So if you find yourself needing to be a bigger person, try to use your imagination to reframe the situation, and to elevate your thoughts and feelings to a different sphere. It worked for me. No reason why you shouldn’t give it a try. It could work for you.

And finally, we must continue to have faith, that a break in the clouds, is just around the corner…

Minoo Jha

 · 3y

What made you stronger at the lowest point of your life?

The lowest point in my life was when I suffered my depression. The thing that saved me is that I continued to work, exercise, and do all the things I did socially, with the hope that I would come out of it eventually. Here is a poem I recently wrote about how I felt then and what I wish to say to those going through the same thing: Just When The Sun Shone So Bright Just when the sun shone so bright It slipped behind a cloud I wondered where the light had gone And I began to cry soft, not loud Where are you light? Where are you light? Gloom enveloped me It seemed like I would never be myself again I was looking at a darkness as endless as the sea. __ The gloom persisted The clouds persisted In vain, I hoped the sun would shine again The gloom persisted The clouds persisted The beads of darkness were a never ending chain. __ I said my prayers and I worked, played, and ate I applied myself to the business of my days The gloom persisted The clouds persisted The darkness was a never-ending maze. __ And then one day the clouds parted Breaking the spell the darkness had cast on me And I hesitantly took a step forward into the light Into a new hope and a new destiny I was filled again with the inner uncorrupted child's sense of wonder Which the darkness had all but tried to take away from me Now the cloak of darkness was torn asunder And my spirit was once again light and free. __ The gloom had lifted The darkness had lifted The sun had again begun to shine I wrapped myself in my shawl of promise, hope, faith, and purpose And told myself, "Minoo, you will be fine". __ Yes, the gloom had lifted The darkness had lifted And I could say and believe the thought, "Minoo you will be fine" And it taught me that promise, hope, faith, and purpose awaits those who goes through a dark night of the soul When the journey is complete and the dark night of the soul has been left behind. __ Dear Reader - On the other side of an experience of the dark night of the soul is a light of a thousand lamps. Even though right now, you may not be able to see the flicker of even one of those thousand lamps, hold the image in your mind of the warmth and light of those thousand lamps - because it's what awaits you at the end of your journey through the dark night of the soul. Look after yourself, put one foot in front of the other, and believe with your heart, soul and mind that you will be completely restored once the journey of the dark night of the soul is complete.

In all these ways, I have learned to cope with the things I cannot change.