When you try to communicate with your partner, depending on what you are trying to communicate, they might block the communication, by doing one of the following…
Not responding.
Saying, “I’m sorry, I am too tired for this. Can we talk about this later?”, only to never actually talk about it later.
Raising their hand to indicate, “Stop. I don’t want to hear any of that.”
Saying something snarky.
Making a firm declaration, such as “I’m not doing that. Take it or leave it.”
Outright shouting, or screaming, at you.
Making threats.
Doing something angry, which scares you, such as smashing their fist into a wall, or throwing something.
Doing something which makes you feel bad about bringing up the subject, such as getting up from the table, and going to bed, without finishing their food.
Storming out of the room, or even storming out of the house, for several hours.
It is unfortunate, but you can conclude one of the following, from their reactions…
They don’t like conflict.
They don’t know how to deal with conflict.
They do not like engaging on some subjects.
They want to be left alone.
Sensitive subjects might include money, expenses, health, social events, chores.
Living with a partner, like this, makes everything tougher - maintaining a house, managing expenses, raising kids, socializing.
It is love, sacred vows, kids, social mores, and financial dependence, that makes us keep going, even though we may be dismayed, disappointed, and dissatisfied, with how things are.
Eventually, you may find peace apart.
Or your partner may mellow over the years, and through mellowing, and sometimes, through faith, wisdom, and self-reflection, improve on all fronts.
As they become more caring, and more considerate, you may experience a renewed closeness with them, or even a closeness, better than you ever had before, a closeness that’s precious, and you never thought possible.
I have observed this, having observed many couples, through decades of ups and downs.
You may discover, as those couples have, that you loved, and still love your partner, and your partner loved and still loves you, through all the ups and downs, through it all.
Which is precious.
Suggestions to make you achieve this precious closeness faster…
Is it fair to judge someone's level of love if they don't show it the way we think they should?
Yes and no. Here’s a piece I wrote on the importance of tuning in to the other person in your life… The Secret to Good Relationships - Tuning In Let’s talk about radio stations. If you want to listen to the KFOG radio station, you have to tune in to the frequency of the KFOG radio station. 107.7. You can't tune in to the frequency of the KBAY radio station and expect to hear the KFOG radio station. KBAY music plays on the KBAY radio station. So if you tune in to the frequency of the KBAY radio station, you will hear the music played by KBAY. So now how is this related to dealing with the significant people in your life? You need to tune in to the station of anyone who is significant to you, so you can really hear them. But what happens if you don't like the music that's being played on their station? This is where the problem arises. You don't like the music that's playing on their station. What's more, you may not be able to escape it - living under the same roof, or having to deal with them day in and day out. So you decide the next best thing is to just tune it out. Block out whatever they say as best you can. Using tools like your imagination. While this is a coping tool, it's not a solving tool. It would be nice if you could say to the people in your life, ”Hey I don't like what you are playing on your radio station; can you play this instead?” But of course, that's wishful thinking. It's never going to be as simple as that. If you do that, it will only make things worse. So the same thing goes on and on. And maybe you continue to do what you have always done - try to tune things out. You can live a whole lifetime like this - with nothing changing. And with profound dissatisfaction on all sides. If you desire to have a meaningful, caring, and more easy-going relationship, no two questions about it... You have to tune in. If the dial is stuck, you may be tempted to use your developed reflex to tune out and block out whatever you do not like. But really, you should consider using your alone time as reflection time. And come up with a strategy to replace “blocking out” with “tuning in”. Tuning in might be to ask someone, "What are your thoughts right now?" Or, "What would you like to do right now?" Or, “What is bothering you the most right now?” Or, “How can I make things easier for you?" Or, "Why do you think that?" Life gets more challenging for everyone as we go along. Life gets more challenging physically, mentally, and emotionally. Tuning in may mean acknowledging the increased physical, mental, and emotional challenges the people in your life face. And doing what you can to alleviate them. Tuning in many also mean acknowledging the small things that bother other people. Sometimes what's small to you may be significant to someone else. We are all different. The most successful relationships are those where both people are tuned in. How can you craft and implement the right “tune in” strategy today?
