Dear Diary...Before & After Edition

Green Investor
Before:  Dear Diary....I am going to make lots of money this year.  I have invested some money in the stock market.  Buy low and sell high.  That’s all there is to it. That’s how someone called Warren Buffett made his billions.  It was so easy.  All I had to do was look up some stocks on Yahoo Stock Screener, open an account on E-trade and I was done.  I found some great buys - Rite Aid, Siri, Extreme Networks, stocks you could buy for less than one of the meals at Mcdonalds.  Speaking of McDonalds, I wish I could buy that, but the stock is at $100.  Can you imagine that, dear diary.

After:  Dear Diary...I am in tears.  I lost money on all those stocks I invested in. Now l have to wait till my stocks reach the price I bought them at to sell them. I hope to find some other way of making some money – maybe selling stuff on E-bay. I will keep you updated.

American Idol Hopeful

Before:  Dear Diary...This is the year I stop pretending I am cut out to be a mail man and become a star. I am auditioning for American Idol. I have been practicing different hairstyles, trying on different clothing and perfecting my moves. I am going to be totally unforgettable.  The judges won't know what hit them.

After:  Dear Diary...The American Idol judges were overwhelmed, alright,but not in the right way. One said “If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you.” Another said “Honey, it’s a no from me - I'm sorry”.  And Randy just chuckled and said “Bro, they’re right.  You are not cut out for this.”  They are so wrong - all of them.  I am going to audition for X Factor and show them all.

Fad Dieter

Before: Dear Diary...Someone at work told me about this Dieter’s Tea.  She said she lost 30 lbs in 2 months drinking it. What have I got to lose?  I think I will pick up two boxes and try it out.  I will tell you how it goes.

After:  Dear Diary...The Dieter’s Tea turned out to be a laxative of sorts.  After drinking it, the urge to go comes on without any advance notice.  I was at the mall the other day and I really got frantic because the nearest bathrooms were a whole 10 minutes away. I have never walked so fast in my entire life.  Thankfully I made it.

Clueless Tax Filer

Before: Dear Diary...People complain about tax time, but I love it because I always get a refund. Every year, the refund comes at the right time and I am able to pay down some debt or pick up a bargain at my favorite handbag store.  I love my tax preparer.

After:  Dear Diary...I hate my tax preparer.  He enters my information and then has the cheek to tell me I owe money.  I told him he must have made a mistake because every year I get a refund. To which he replied “Maam...your tax filing status has changed, plus you are in a different tax bracket and you do not qualify for this deduction and that deduction.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  I am definitely changing my tax preparer next year. 

P.S.  This is the fourth post in the Dear Diary series.  I am writing these posts as much to memorialize these times as to keep the blog going.  If you missed Dear Diary 1 – the Socks with Holes Edition, or Dear Diary 2 – the Jennifer Hudson Edition or Dear Diary 3 – the Kris Humphries and Charlie Sheen Edition, you can read them here, here and here. 

P.S. 2:  Hope you have a great 2012 and your investments pay off, your dreams come true, you have good luck with any diets you try and you get a nice big fat tax refund. If you don’t, educate yourself on income taxes right away.  Don’t blame the tax preparer.