Dear Friend, Family, or Relative reading this…This is the second poem I wrote in the weeks after my brother David died. I was overcome with grief. The loss seemed unbearable. Tears flowed. And as the poem you are about to read will show, words such as "he is in a better place now" were not at all what I felt.
When you read it, please understand it was written soon after David died.
The reason I am sharing it is because there may be others with the same grieving thoughts immediately after a loss.
I want them to know they are not alone in having all kinds of thoughts, including ones that seem to make no sense.
I asked a question on Quora about having thoughts that make no sense after someone dies.
Several people answered, and I learned it is very common to have thoughts that make no sense after a loss.
One person recommended I read the book written by Joan Didion after her husband died. The book is called The Year of Magical Thinking. In it, Joan Didion tells us the thoughts she went through in the year following the death of her husband John Gregory Dunne. The book has won multiple awards, including the Pulitzer prize. It was also turned into a Broadway play.
Joan had many thoughts that made no sense after her husband died (what she calls magical thinking).
One example is that she would not give away her husband's shoes, because she thought he would need them when he returned. I plan to read this book, because I myself had many such thoughts that made no sense in the weeks following my brother David's death.
The poem I am sharing with you today, "I Should Be Happy" expresses one of them. It was written in the immediate weeks after my brother David died.
I Should Be Happy
I should be happy …
You are in a safe place
No longer exposed to hostile or threatening environments
No longer needing to fight for your privacy, your safety, your dignity, your nourishment.
I should be happy!
I should be happy!
I should be happy…
You are in an ultimate place of safety now
No longer walking in quicksand
No longer having to wrestle with physical, mental and psychological blows
That always took you by surprise
I should be happy!
I should be happy!
I should be happy…
The immense physical and mental pain you suffered, you suffer no more
You are free of earthly sorrows
No slings and arrows can touch you
I should be happy!
I should be happy!
I should be happy
The noise, the chaos. and the confusion has ended
You have been granted rest for your tired body and tired soul
I should be happy!
I should be happy!
I should be happy…
You have crossed the threshold to ultimate peace
Ultimate safety
Ultimate bliss
You are in the arms of the Divine.
I should be happy!
I should be happy!
I am sad!
I want you back, David.
Right here in the world where I am, David.
I want you back
I should be happy!
But I am sad.
And I want you back.
Dear Family, Friend, or Relative...thank you for reading this piece.
I will end this piece by sharing a list of grief resources like I did last week.
Because if you are having the same tough time recovering from the loss of someone who was precious to you, perhaps someone who was your whole world, they may help you as they did me:
Book: Chicken Soup for The Grieving Soul
Book: Life After Loss - Bob Deits
Online Video: Dr. DeMartini Video on Grief
Book: The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
Specific to our loss:
Online meeting: Al Anon meetings
Online podcasts: an Al Anon podcast
The Big Book
Keeping Secrets - book by Suzanne Sommers
What helped me most was not isolating myself.
I spent as much time as possible with family or with friends.
I let myself be comforted by all the calls, texts, and messages I received personally, or we received as a family.
I participated wholeheartedly in all the events held for my brother, and watched the tribute videos:
Zoom held by David's St. Joseph's Boys High School
The most recent event was the Interment event attended by just us sisters, our two brothers in law, and one of the people who worked with David in OOCL, a company he was at for 17 years.
I will share the link to that in the coming weeks.
Do continue to send us old photographs, videos, and other content that you find. Thanks for that.
Do keep my brother David in your prayers.
Thank you and hugs from me to you for being a part of my life!
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