The Element of Expectancy vs Expectations and Its Hope For Less Misunderstandings and Frustration

In my post The Element of Believing in Someone and Its Hope for Helping them Move Mountains, I told you about the support I got from my friend Mariam when I started my company Purple Patch.

It included the offer of help from Debbie who was Mariam's secretary, for my typing and other secretarial work, whenever Mariam was away on business travel.

I was very grateful for this offer and lost no time in putting it to use.

Debbie was a welcome resource and I found a lot for her to do.

I even had Debbie call my clients when they owed me a payment - as I mention in the same post. 

But let's look at this from Debbie's side for a moment.

She had been hired by Mariam to work for Mariam.

Suddenly along came the request she was to help an additional person.

This additional person was not even in the same company.

Debbie could easily have been put off.

I am sure she wasn't expecting the extra work.

But she took it on cheerfully.

How many of us would be able to do that?

To roll with the punches even when things do not go our way.

When things do not go your way, do you have a tendency to lose it?

Once upon a time I was that way too.

I was subject to amygdala hijacks because I operated under the notion that everything had to go my way.

Of course, I was only setting myself up for disappointment.

People did not behave the way I expected.

Things I thought were a given turned out not to be a given.

Situations I thought could never happen happened.

For instance, I learned the hard way that bad health can strike someone leading a perfect life, someone eating all the right things, exercising, getting the right amount of relaxation and sleep, someone seemingly without a care in the world.

It was only when I came to the realization I should not bet my happiness on my expectations, I stopped being so wound up and so hyper-reactive to situations.

Life is unpredictable.

If we become a low-maintenance person and dial down our expectations, we will be able to better cope with this unpredictability, and to see things in a non self-focused way.

I came across this quote, "Know that everything is in perfect order, whether you understand it or not.” 

Indeed, when things don't go our way, we can't understand it, but there often is a silver lining and a larger perspective.

We will be able to appreciate this silver lining and this larger perspective, only when the clouds of disappointment and anger have evaporated.

Laura Ingalls Wilder said, "Persons appear to us according to the light we throw upon them from our own minds."

When I stopped being full of expectations, I began to see everyone in a new light, or should I say in a true light. My thinking was not distorted by my opinions, expectations and disappointments.

I was able to relate to these words from author Donald Miller, who said, “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” 

My relationship with my daughter improved. 

I realized it was natural for her, as an adult self-aware human being to individuate herself from her parents and make her own choices.  I realized I had to respect these choices, even though some of these choices were difficult to accept, or to relate to. 

"But, Minoo", you may say to me, "If we don’t have expectations, wouldn’t it just mean we are cynical, or we have given up hope, or we don’t have any standards, or we are setting ourselves up to let people walk all over us, or we are setting our child up to go astray and have a sub-par future?"

Aha…..I am getting to that.

What each one of us needs to do is to replace expectations with expectancy.

Expectancy is totally different from expectations.

It is approaching every situation with a positive attitude, giving it our best, having faith, and a hopeful heart, but letting go of the outcome, understanding people will do what they want to do, and the cards will fall where they will, and we cannot control or predict anything. It is not in our power.

Sometimes there will be surprises to the positive side, oh yes there will be.

Sometimes there will be surprises to the negative side, oh yes there will be.

But even when disappointments happen, when something we are counting on or hoping for does not materialize, or something discomfiting happens, we need to remember it is not the end of the world, and tomorrow is a new day which will bring new hope and new possibilities.

We all need to wear the imaginary ring I told you about in my post The Element of Affirmation and its Hope for Believing in Ourselves to remind ourselves of this.

When we are disappointed, and the disappointment involves being let down by someone, rather than lose a valuable relationship, we need to understand people do not exist just to conform to our expectations.

A personal story comes to mind from the days when I was living in my husband's house in India.

Here's the story...

The Gold Chain

When I got married, I moved into the home where my husband lived with his brother and his dad.

Working for them was Pushpa, their maid, who had been with the family for a long time.

I knew Pushpa from before I got married, because she had been doing part time housecleaning and cooking for me at my bachelorette pad.

Like all maids in India at the time, Pushpa was poor and lived a hard-scrabble life.  Her home was a thatched hut in a slum, and everything - from food to clothes to medicines, to keeping her hut from collapsing when it rained - was a challenge.

Pushpa's pay wasn't sufficient for all her expenses, so she would ask my father-in-law for additional money during the month.

When my husband came home from work, my father in law would say to him, "Pushpa needs x rupees for medicine.  Can you give me that to give to her."

I felt sorry for Pushpa and decided to reach out to her secretly.

When she and I were alone, I said to her, "Pushpa, I would like to give you some additional money on the side, so you don't have to ask Sir (my father in law) for money every other week.  This can be just between you and me – Sir or Rakesh or Shreekant needn’t know about it. Can you tell me an amount that would be helpful for you to get."

Now Pushpa was not a greedy soul, and she didn't know what amount to propose. She shyly replied, "I don't know Ma". So I made the decision for both of us. I said, "I'll tell you what.  You are getting 2000 rupees every month from Sir. How about I give you another 2000 rupees? Here, take this." And with that, I gave Pushpa 2000 rupees, effectively doubling her pay. (I was earning a good income and I can assure you this was not financially difficult for me at all, so please don't think I was anyone great for doing this.)

A month went by.

One day, my husband and me arrived home from work together.  As we entered the door, my father in law said, "Ah, Shreekant…..can you give me 400 rupees to give to Pushpa for medicine."

I felt a flash of anger. I had expected that once Pushpa started getting the extra 2000 rupees from me, she would stop asking my father-in-law for money during the month.

“How dare she ask for this money after I have doubled her pay!” I thought to myself. 

Of course I couldn't talk to anyone about this, since I was giving her the money in secret.

At the first opportunity I could get her alone, I confronted her about it, "Why are you still asking Sir for extra money?  I doubled your pay.  You should not be needing to ask for 300 rupees here, 300 rupees there anymore."

She looked embarrassed and never replied.  I felt a great need to solve the situation once in for all, thinking mightily of my powers to do so.  "Ok, I will tell you what, Pushpa," I said, "I will give you 3000 rupees instead of 2000 rupees every month secretly from my own pocket.  This should cover you for anything and everything that comes up during the month. Agreed?"

She nodded her head and I handed her an additional 1000 rupees which she gratefully accepted.

A month went by.

And, oh no.

Yes, you guessed right.

I hear my father in law say to my husband, "Ah, Shreekant…..give me 400 rupees to give to Pushpa. She needs to buy something for her family."

It was like waving a red flag to a bull.

I had expected that the extra 3000 rupees would have put a full stop to this.

I could not understand what was going on.

Things were not going as planned.

Though Pushpa was getting two and a half times her pay, nothing had changed. She was still asking for extra money, as if the extra 3000 rupees did not exist.

I couldn't wait for her to come in to work the next day to tackle her.

As soon as she got in, and I got her alone, I demanded an answer.  "Pushpa, your pay is two and a half times what it used to be.  Whatever are you spending the extra money on?"

I was taken aback when she sheepishly pointed to a thin gold chain round her neck.

She explained.....

Apparently she had always wanted a gold chain, but could never afford  to buy one.   

When I started giving her the extra 3000 every month, she was able to enroll in a chit fund and take out a loan to buy a gold chain.

Now she was using the money I was giving her every month to pay the loan off.

All the extra money was going to pay off the debt she had incurred to buy the gold chain, and none of it to improve her everyday life.

Which was why she still had to ask for 300 rupees here and 300 rupees there.

I was horribly upset.

There was nothing I could do and my hands were tied.

I had expected to improve Pushpa's lot in life, but she was at square one, struggling to keep body and soul together, except she now had a gold chain she was really happy and proud to possess which I had made possible.

Because of my expectations, it took me several years to come to terms with this.

During that time, I continued to be an expectations monster with regards to anything and everything. Eventually Pushpa left the job just because of my nagging and demands.

Now when I look back, I realize kindness is superior to generosity, and expectations can weary even the most forbearing soul.

Also, as I grew in wisdom, my thoughts about the gold chain changed.

It is human to have needs beyond food, clothing and shelter.

Even someone in tough circumstances may prefer the beauty and pride of a gold chain to a marginal improvement in comfort.

Today, I completely empathize with Pushpa's decision to buy the gold chain.

How I wish I could turn back the clock so I could have shown more understanding at the time.

How I wish I could be like my friend Julia, who has amazed me on several different occasions with her ability to give with expectancy rather than expectations. 

I still remember the "birthday haircut".

The Birthday Haircut

In my post How to Become More Unique, I told you how bad I am when it comes to my appearance.

People around me often have to give me nudges - to cut my hair, or to throw away a worn sweater, or to replace my shoes or handbag. 

(Oh the stories I can tell you about my reluctance to replace worn shoes and handbags). 

Some will come right out and say, "Minoo, you need to cut your hair." or "Minoo, I am going to buy you a new handbag." I am used to this.

But Julia's way has always been different.

Once, when I had let my hair grow long and unruly, Julia said, "Minoo, I was thinking.  You have a birthday this month.  Would you be interested in getting your haircut by my stylist.  She is really good.  You can tell her exactly what you want.  If you are interested, I will speak to her.  You can then just go there and she will cut your hair and we can put it on my tab. Let me know and I will speak to her." 

"Sure," I said.

So off I went to Julia's pricey Los Gatos salon. But when the stylist asked me what I wanted done to my hair, I said "maybe trim it an inch".

"Leave everything else just the same?" the stylist asked me.   

"Yes," I answered, effectively defeating the purpose of the visit.

So when Julia saw me after a week, it  was as if there was no change.  My hair looked the same as ever. But Julia didn't say anything.  She didn't even ask me if I went for the haircut.

She had given me the gift with hope but without expectations, so there was nothing more to be said.

Expectancy vs expectations

That is the difference.

We all need to make the shift.

Then we can stay positive and hopeful, even when things don't go as planned.

And our disappointments will never threaten our relationships.

A disappointment will lead to broken bonds, only if we let it.

For example – we may give someone a gift.  Say we notice they need a car. We think if they have a car, it might improve their job prospects. So we donate a used car to them. Only to find out later they sold the car and used the money to splurge on a vacation or something like that.

We must be prepared to let go of the situation.  

With anything we give – once it is out of our hands, it is not ours to decide how it will be utilized.   

We can hope it will be used thoughtfully and sensibly as I did with the money I gave Pushpa, but it is really not in our control.

There is no point in creating a showdown out of it: "I gave you the car so you could find a job. Now look what you have done - you've blown the money and have nothing to show for it."

It's easy to make ourselves miserable by wallowing in regret.  In this kind of situation, we might wish we had never given the car and it may eat us up.

We should never let other people's choices eat us up.

Disappointment is a liability, acceptance is wealth. 

And you can only get to that wealth by replacing expectations with expectancy.

I will end with this quote from Michael J Fox...."My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations."

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/expectations.html#GAgyomXmuYg5Mywt.99

Thank you, Michael.  I couldn't agree more!

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week…..M ……a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay, Ananda,David, Elaine, Jacinta, Patty, Rosie and Subhakar for their comments on Facebook, and thanks to the rest of you for your votes. Much appreciated.

The Element of Simplicity and Its Hope for Living a More Satisfying Meaningful Life

When I was young, I felt poor and disadvantaged and felt my background was unsophisticated.

I compared myself to people whom I thought had a better home life than I did; neater more stylish houses, life with more routine. I felt unsophisticated and out of whack compared to them.

I did not understand there are many types of home lives.

That desperation resides in quiet elegant houses seemingly without drama; and the inhabitants of those homes may actually long for the crazy connectedness and wild times and interactions that were prevalent in my childhood home.

Without the benefit of this knowledge, when I became a teenager, I strived to develop the sophistication I assumed I lacked. 

Most of the ways in which you can acquire style and sophistication require money. 

Since I did not have money, I had to come up with something else.

I found my answer in the dictionary.

Yes, the dictionary.

I thought to develop a rich and complex vocabulary which I would impress others with. So in my free time, I started studying the dictionary. I pounced on impressive foreign sounding words such as sobriquet and ennui and zeit geist. I started using them at every opportunity.

I was still in India at the time. 3 of my sisters had already left the nest. Two were in America, a third was in Calcutta - studying management at IIM.

I would write long letters to these sisters.  I would pack these letters with words like sobriquet and ennui and zeit geist.

One of my sisters said in a letter to my mother, "we don’t understand a word of what Minoo writes to us." The comment stung.

When I look back at that time, I now see it was an attempt to feel important and worthy.

We all need to feel important and worthy.

We think if we are not sophisticated and worldly, then we are not important and worthy.

I was trying to fill this perceived lack with big words.

Whenever we perceive a lack in ourselves, we will try to fill it with something.

The bigger the perceived lack, the more we will try to compensate and the grander will be our efforts.

  

I compensated for the fact that I was not rich, sophisticated and privileged by using words which were associated with having a rich, sophisticated and privileged background.

But "Big hat, small cattle" as they say.

It was all a game.

I now see I was just as precious without these big words as with them.

The feeling of lack came from comparing myself with other people.

We make the mistake of comparing ourselves with other people and feeling inferior about all the things we don’t have that they do.

We think we have to have this, this and this to be worthy (a good education, a job, a marriage, a stylish home, successful normal kids).

In actual fact, we don't need any external crutches to support who we are.

And all our treasures are on the inside.

There was no place for my big words in advertising.

I had to learn to be brief and simple, to make my message universally understandable.

In writing this blog, I rarely use big words.

I now understand there's more sophistication in restraint than in anything else.

And it takes restraint not to want to come off superior to anyone else - whether through words or the things we surround ourselves with.

I read somewhere when people think about time, their thoughts become philosophical and spiritual, and noble and ethical ideas spring to their minds

When people think about money, their thoughts become materialistic, and selfish and unethical ideas are more likely to spring to their minds.

I have observed this in myself and know it to be true.

Whenever I think about time, it makes me think about how limited it is as a resource and makes me question whether I am using my time well.

It brings a sense of urgency in doing things which are truly valuable and meaningful.

It keeps me writing these posts.

And it makes me more compassionate in my thoughts about, and interactions with others.

I think to myself, "When I am gone, what will my life have been good for?  Would I have been a net positive to this world?”

When I think about money, I think about deals and steals - how I can earn more money,   how I can hold on to the money I have, how I can get the best deal, how I can get around taxes - all selfish stuff connected with me and my net worth.

Sometimes I have to stop myself and say, "Minoo switch your thoughts back to time – learn to let go of the idea that you need to think about money all the time, otherwise you will be losing time which is the most valuable thing you have.”

Doing this has helped me keep money and material things from taking over my life.

Everything we buy beyond the necessities and comforts in our life could be related to false thinking and believing we have a lack...

A lack of looks

A lack of personality

A lack of love

A lack of excitement

A lack of sophistication

A lack of power

A lack of prestige

A lack of relative status

When we move beyond this false thinking, we will start spending our time well.

In order to do that, we should embrace Laozi's prescription:

“Manifest plainness,

Embrace simplicity,

Reduce selfishness,

Have few desires."

We do some activities in a repetitive way and then we can't give them up - whether it's renovating our houses again and again – adding a deck here, a porch there; tinkering with our cars again and again – tricking them out with this now, then with that; trying to fix what is wrong with our bodies again and again – now botox, now liposuction, now chin lift, or whatever. 

We become guinea pigs of our own making. 

We go round and round in mouse traps of our own design.

We should look at everything we do and ask ourselves, is it worth it to keep doing this?

What would I lose if I stopped? What would I gain?

Henry David Thoreau, who was a master of simplicity said: “Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.”

I can testify to the truth of this from my own experience.

I quit my job in June of 2010 and because I embarked on the new adventure of becoming a commission software implementer and an SPM consultant, and it took some time to get there and to get up to speed, I earned very little money in the next 2 years. In fact, by US Census levels, my income was below the poverty level.

But because I had pared back and simplified my life, I did not feel poor.

I felt rich.  I felt blessed.

To be doing Xactly implementations

To have become a successful meditation practitioner

To be blogging

To be able to go for 5 mile walks every other day

I couldn't have asked for more.

Other people did not see my situation in the same way.

They saw poverty where I saw riches.

They saw scary idleness where I saw freedom to use my time as I please.

They saw loneliness where I saw time to meditate and reflect and grow as a human being.

One of my friends said to me, "When I told my children I was unhappy in my job the other day, one of them said," please don't do a Minoo on us.  Don’t quit your job like she did."

I said, "Did you tell them how happy I am?"

Indeed, while everyone around me was whining and complaining about their jobs, and their contractors and what not, I was reveling in my new way of life.

No longer was I walking around like Gulliver tied down by all sorts of false Lilliputian concepts of what it meant to live life.

But then thinkers and philosophers and artists have always known that simplicity can do for us what all the tinkering with our lives may not be able to do – fill the lack.

August Rodin said, "The more simple we are, the more complete we become."

My financial circumstances have improved in the last two years.

But I continue to live the simple life I adopted 2 years ago.

Why would I give up the golden treasures dug up from that time?

I am reminded about a Diogenes story.

Diogenes is one of my favorite historical characters and I have blogged about him before.

Bread and Lentils

Diogenes was eating a simple meal of bread and lentils for supper.

When Aristippus, who lived comfortably by being a toady and advisor to the king, saw this, he said 'Diogenes, if only you would learn to be subservient to the king, you would not have to live on lentils.'

Diogenes replied, 'Aristippus, if only you learned to live on lentils, you would not have to be subservient to the king".”

One of the reasons I live a simple life is because I do not want to be subservient to the rat race.

Besides “bread and lentils” has opened up my life to intellectual, spiritual and creative riches.

When I was no longer a spoke in the great commercial wheel, a long sleeping creative spark awoke in me.

It manifested itself in new adventures like learning Xactly and becoming an SPM consultant, starting this blog, learning to meditate.

Having experienced this, I feel everyone could do with a "bread and lentils" time.

A time, in which, even if you have enough money, your connections to power and status and identification with particular ideas of who you are and what you are meant for, are severed.

A pause like the one I wrote about in the Element of the Creative Pause And Its Hope For Turning Us Into Idea-Generating Machines.

"Simplicity is the Ultimate Sophistication” said Leonardo Da Vinci.

Indeed throughout my life, I have been surprised by the nobility of simple souls.

In my last post, I told you about Debbie.

Debbie was a simple down to earth soul.

She was also a noble soul, as I was to discover.

If you remember from my last post, one of the many wonderful things Mariam did for me was offer me the use of Debbie's secretarial help when she was travelling.

Debbie cheerfully threw herself into this. There was no “why should I work for someone who is not my employer?” vibe whatsoever.

Besides helping me with typing, she was ever ready to help me any way she could.

I thought she might help me call my clients to collect on my payments and she readily agreed when I asked her.

Debbie would get on the phone with a client who owed me a payment and say, “I am calling from Purple Patch.  You owe us $x……for the ….assignment.  When can we pick up the check? ”

She would do this every day till the client wrote the check.  Then she would call me and say, “Minoo, your check is ready to be picked up.”  And I would send my driver to pick up the check.

But I was to find out how noble Debbie was when the “waste paper” incident happened.

Once upon a time in the pre-recyling days

From early in my advertising career, I had this thing about wasting paper.

I always used both sides of paper to write copy.

And if I found any waste paper lying around - paper on which something had been printed and then discarded - I would immediately pick it up and use the back to write copy on it.

Advertising produced a lot of waste paper in those days, because even if we changed a single word of copy for an ad, the copy would have to be printed again.

When I started giving Debbie typing work, it suddenly struck me I had a new waste paper source.

Debbie often had to type copy over and over again because of spelling mistakes or changes.

I could ask her to give me the discards.

“Debbie,” I said, “please give me any paper you are wasting.  I can use the reverse sides to write copy.”

Debbie appreciated this, and whenever I went into Mariam's office, she would give me a stack of waste paper to take home.

Now as I said in the Element of Believing in Someone and Its Hope for Helping Them Move Mountains, Mariam, Debbie’s boss who was also my ex-colleague and client, was very sensitive to my needs.

So one of the things she had started doing for me was to send me the advertising brief through her driver ahead of meetings, so I could familiarize myself with the materials before we met to discuss the brief.

One day with an assignment coming up, Mariam called Debbie into her office, handed her some materials and said “Debbie, please give this to my driver to deliver to Minoo”.

I hadn't been in Mariam’s office for a while, and Debbie had not been able to give me any waste paper in a while. 

So thoughtfully, she took out a little stack of waste paper and threw it into the envelope along with the brief and gave it to the driver to deliver to me.

Two days later, Mariam called me and said she had received some further background information for the assignment, which she would have Debbie send me.

When Debbie got this material, she threw in another stack of waste paper into a second envelope and handed it to the driver.

Now it so happened I didn't open either of these 2 envelopes. 

I had been extra busy, so I brought them unopened to my meeting with Mariam.

“Hey Mariam, I didn't get a chance to go over what you sent me, but let's go over it now.” I said, handing her the unopened envelopes.

Mariam opened the first one and out fell out all this waste paper, including letters she had written to banks, and what not.

You should have seen the look on her face.

“My goodness,” she said, “I don't know what's wrong with Debbie.  She has put a whole lot of junk into this envelope along with the brief.”

I immediately realized what had happened – all the so called “junk” was the waste paper Debbie had thoughtfully sent me.

I was still collecting my thoughts on how to deal with this, when Mariam pressed the bell on her table to summon Debbie.

Ding.  Ding. Ding went the bell.

Debbie came into the room.

“Yes, Mariam?” she said.

“Debbie, what’s the matter with you?"  You put all this junk in the envelope we sent to Minoo.  Where is your head, girl? ”

Debbie glanced at me ever so briefly.

Meanwhile Mariam was opening the second envelope, even as she was ticking off Debbie.

Lo and behold, another stack of papers unrelated to the advertising brief fell out of that envelope too.

“My goodness, Debbie.  This envelope has them too.  Whatever has gotten into you?”

I was amazed at what happened next.

I was ready for Debbie to spill the beans and put the blame on me.

But without looking at me, Debbie said “I am so sorry Mariam.  I don't know what got into me. It won't happen again.”

“It better not” said Mariam. “You can go now.”

Mariam shook her head and rolled her eyes after Debbie left the room and we returned to the briefing session, on which I could hardly concentrate.

I was waiting for it to finish, so I could go to Debbie’s desk and deliver Debbie an apology and a thank you, both of which I urgently owed her.

As soon as Mariam and I were done, I ran out of Mariam’s office to Debbie.

“I am so so sorry you had to take the rap for me like that,Debbie,” I said. “And it was so nice of you not to say anything.”

I told her I never wanted her to get into trouble again, and she should stop giving me any more waste paper from that day.

But I have never forgotten Debbie’s kindness and nobility till today.

In fact, whenever I think about nobility, I think about Debbie and how she took the fall for something that was my fault.

Yes, nobility is the ultimate sophistication.

I will end this post with a simple prescription for health and vitality from Laura Ingalls:

"I once knew a woman, not very strong, who to the wonder of her friends went through a time of extraordinary hard work without any ill effects.

I asked her for her secret and she told me that she was able to keep her health, under the strain, because she took 20 minutes, of each day in which to absolutely relax both mind and body. She did not even “sit and think.” She lay at full length, every muscle and nerve relaxed and her mind as quiet as her body. This always relieved the strain and renewed her strength.”

What is that if not meditation - which is another simple prescription for the ills of today which are all related to the lack we feel.

As always thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M ….a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay, Ananda, Audrey, Badri, Rosie and Subhakar for their comments on Facebook on my last post and for everyone else for their votes.  P.S. If you are attracted to the simple life, I have written other posts promoting a simple life, including The Simple Life and You've Heard About Wasabi.  How about Wabi Sabi?