The Element of Doing the Things We Don’t Have to Do and Its Hope for Leading a More Fulfilling Life

Recently I read the book Decide by Steve McClatchy.

In this book, he makes a distinction between the things we “have to do” and the things we “don’t have to do”.

The things we “have to do” are those we do out of necessity.

Things such as paying our credit card on time.

If we don’t pay our credit card on time, we will have to pay the piper, namely shell out for exorbitant interest charges.

Likewise, if we don’t pay our rent or mortgage on time……it may be hello bailiff! hello living in our car.

We anxiously rush to do things we have to do, because if we don’t do them, we will suffer consequences.

Cleaning our houses, washing the dishes, mowing our lawns, are all things we “have to do” or pay the consequences. If we let enough time pass, then all sorts of things can happen, as maybe…

(Knock Knock, who’s there?  Hoarders.  Hoarders Who?  Hoarders, the TV show….. are you interested in being on our show?)

Thank heavens life is not only about dirty dishes and things we “have to do”.

It’s also about the poems we want to write, the pictures we want to paint, the songs we want to sing, the new things we want to learn, the places we want to visit, the books we want to read, the things we want to accomplish, the good we want to do in the world - the things we “don’t have to do”, but we want to do - for our own growth, for our own fulfillment, for our own satisfaction.

These are the things McClatchy says, which make life meaningful and satisfying and worthwhile.

Poetry – because we want to do it

My mother lived for her poetry. Even in her worst moments, she was able to find life meaningful and satisfying and worthwhile by writing poetry.

She wrote when she was happy.  She wrote when she was sad.  She wrote when she was healthy.  She wrote when she was sick.  She wrote when there was a special occasion.  She wrote when there was no occasion at all.

My mother never “had to write” poetry. Poetry was not her career and she made no money from her poetry.

But writing was an impulse for Mummy.

It was something she just did, something she liked to do, something she felt compelled to do, something she was born to do, something which sustained her, something she enjoyed doing till the very end of her life.

Here’s one of Mummy’s poems:

Come Live With Me

Come live with me and be my love

I do not yearn for diamond roof

Or golden rings

Or food of royal savour

Or words so grand

But steady companionship

And enlightenment of things

Bold company and warm night air

Moist lips much given to song

Or serenading laugh

Cool summers and full voiced days

And happy fleeting of the merry ways

Poetry is one of those things which needs no justification, no explanation, no reason.

What are the things in your life, which like my mother’s poetry, needs no justification, no explanation and no reason?

Doing more than what is expected of us

In Decide, McClatchy tells of how he was an average student in college, but he was involved in a lot of different on-campus and off-campus activities, including the Big Brother program.

Based on these extracurricular activities, he was asked to give the Valedictorian speech at the graduation ceremony.

He was surprised the honor did not go to the student with the highest grades.

Later, he thought about it and he figured it out.  Those with the highest grades were just doing what was expected of them in life, nothing more….whereas by all his other activities, he had demonstrated he was the kind of person who would do more in life than what was expected of him.

McClatchy got me thinking about all the things I do, which I don’t have to do and the reasons I do them…..

Watching Desperate Housewives

One of them is watching Desperate Housewives with Tanita.  I like Desperate Housewives, but I do not like it enough to watch it on my own.  Yet when Tanita says, “Mum, come watch Desperate Housewives with me”, I drop whatever I am doing (such as getting this blog post ready, or playing Merriam Webster Scrabble Online) and I sit alongside Tanita to watch the antics of Susan, Lynette, Gaby and Brie with her.

Watching Desperate Housewives is something I don’t have to do, but I do it because it makes Tanita happy, and it has become a bonding experience for both of us.

Indeed, some of our most satisfying activities may be the ones we do, not for ourselves, but for someone we love. When we put the interests, wishes and desires of someone we love before our own interests, it can be a joy in itself.

What are the things you can do to strengthen the bonds between you and someone you care for?

Doing What We Love

Then there are all those activities that we don’t have to do, but we do, either because we have a special talent for them, or we have a special fascination for them.

We don’t have to be cajoled to do these activities.  They are what we love to do.

I think of my friend Nadya assembling a gadget.

Or my friend Patty in her garden.

Or my friend Julia working on one of her art projects.

Or my friend Krysia trying out a new recipe.

Or my friend Ajay working on his novel, or writing one of his guest-posts.

Or me reading a book, or writing my blog.

Helping Others

Audrey Hepburn said, “As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”

McClatchy tells us that being a Big Brother was one of his most satisfying experiences.

Helping others is something we never “have to do”.

But we experience a meaningful sense of accomplishment when we help others.

I know I get a kick out of helping people do their taxes, or teaching someone what I know about money.

I created and presented a Money Workshop at my daughter’s elementary school to pass on my knowledge about Earning Money, Saving Money and Investing Money, and it was one of the best things I ever did.

Also, one of the things I now do as a Commissions Consultant, is serve as an Transition Commissions Analyst. I help companies administer commissions on a stop gap basis, and I then do a KT (knowledge transfer) to the permanent analyst who comes on board and takes over from me.  This “grooming of someone else to take over from me” has turned out to be one of the most rewarding aspects of being a Commissions Consultant, and I have made many new friends by doing this.

What are the things you can do to help others?

Conquering a Fear

Sometimes we do something we “don’t have to do” to conquer a fear.

Some years ago, I joined Toastmasters.

I “didn’t have to” join Toastmasters.

Public speaking is not a required skill for a Commissions Analyst, or an SPM Consultant.

Our jobs are behind a desk, crunching numbers, or entering and calculating data in Excel, Centive, Xactly, Callidus or Varicent.

But I joined Toastmasters to conquer a fear.

It was a fear that would raise its ugly head, every time I had to speak up in a room full of people.

By joining Toastmasters and completing my 10 CTM speeches, I came to grips with this fear. In fact, I picked up enough courage to enter and win a contest, taking home a trophy for a speech I gave about a foolish stock market mistake I made.

Is there a fear you would like to conquer?  Can you find a “Toastmasters” solution to that fear, so it does not hold you back  from the things you want to do?

Getting a Grip on Things

When I moved to America, I did not know how to drive.

I could have relied on public transport, but it would have severely limited my opportunities, severely hampered my freedom, and severely impacted my time.

So I am glad I kept at driving, in spite of failing my first written test and my first behind the wheel test.

When I moved to America, I also did not know how to cook.

I could have managed with TV dinners and eating fast food without breaking the bank.

But this would have made my diet very unhealthy.

So I am glad I came to grips with cooking.

It is because I do my own cooking, I can make sure to eat healthy.

Are there areas of your life you feel you should get a grip on?

Improving Our Relationships

I used to be a Tiger Mom.  Then I became a Helicopter Mom.  Tiger Mom and Helicopter Mom were clueless and ineffective.  So Hippie Mom was born. You can read all about it in my post It’s Called Motherhood 2.

I didn’t have to give up being Tiger Mom.

I didn’t have to give up being Helicopter Mom.

In fact, I was quite invested in them.

But wanting to be “in control” of everything was only turning my daughter away from me.

It was only when I became Hippie Mom, I became the parent Dr. John Duffy advises us all to be in the best book I’ve read on parenting by far, “The Available Parent”.  

It’s the Dr. Spock for parenting teens.

I now have a wonderful relationship with my daughter.

If you want to know whether you are an available parent, in the sense Dr. Duffy means, a simple test would be to see if you can tolerate and accept the things Hippie Mom learned to accept and tolerate.

Of course, each child is unique, and if you want to know what you need to learn and accept about your child, you will have to look into your own heart. I am sure you will find the answer there.

Becoming More Knowledgeable

Sometimes we do something we don’t have to do to become more knowledgeable.

This is why we might work on our own cars, even if we have all the money in the world.

I used to go to H&R Block to do my taxes every year.

I did not understand anything about taxes, so I would have to put myself in the hands of the tax preparer assigned to me.

But in 2004, I decided to become knowledgeable about taxes.

It was not that difficult and I found all the information I needed on the internet.

I was able to do my taxes myself on Turbo Tax that year, and I have never looked back.

What could you benefit from becoming more knowledgeable about?

Supporting An Activity We Don’t Care For

When Tanita was around 6 or 7, she asked our neighbor Valarie if she could go to church with her.

This was the beginning of a cherished friendship between Valarie’s family and ours. You can read all about in my post The United States of Friendship Part 6.

Tanita became very involved in church, and even joined the youth choir.

When Valarie became ill and home-bound, I took over the task.

I was still an atheist at the time.

But I would drop Tanita off to church before service and pick her up after.

Eventually, I would experience my own spiritual stirrings and start going into church with Tanita.

Today, when I think back, I am happy I supported Tanita’s desires to attend church, even though, I “didn’t have to” do it. As an atheist at the time, in my heart of hearts, I thought it was a waste of time.

But I am so glad I didn’t take my atheism so seriously, as to deny Tanita the support she needed.

Especially, since she was too young to drive herself to church.

We should respect the desires and wishes of our children, even if they go against our cherished beliefs and ideas.

Besides, we could have a change of heart about those very cherished beliefs and ideas.

I had a change of heart about several cherished beliefs and ideas, as I confess in my post The Element of Moving On and Its Hope for Discovering New Selves. 

Are there areas in your life in which you’ve been unfairly denying support to your child?

Becoming a Better Person

We are not perfect.

But we can all try to become better people.

I used to have anger issues.

In my posts The Path to Change and How Many Times A Day Do You Visit Ireland? I tell you about my struggles with that, and the decision I made to change.

In 2010, I learned to meditate.

My meditation has taken me further on the path to becoming a better person.

Of all our desires, becoming a better person should be top on our list.

And doing the things we have to do to get there, should also be top on our list.

Since I feel strongly about this, I will end this post with a question:

Do you want to become a better person? Yes? Then what are the things you can do, that you don’t have to do, which will get you there?

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week.  Thanks to Ajay for his comments on Facebook, thanks to all my Pinterest pinners, and thanks to everyone else for their votes….M ……a Pearl Seeker like you.

The Element of Getting Out of Our Comfort Zone and Its Hope for Experiencing More of What Life Has to Offer

As an SPM consultant, I’ve learned to live with uncertainty.

I do not know where my next assignment is going to take me.

I do not know how long it is going to last.

I do not know what platform it is going to be on – Excel, Xactly or Varicent.

I do not know who I am going to work with, what to expect, what skill or personality tests await me, and what resources I will need to draw upon.

Every assignment is a new role, with new challenges and new opportunities.

Every assignment is unique, and by its uniqueness, forces me out of my comfort zone, and into trying new things and experiencing more of what the SPM space and life has to offer me.

Do you want to try your hand at new things?

Do you want to experience more of what life has to offer you?

Then you will have to give up what you currently do.

And you will have to take a bold, scary step which will get you out of your comfort zone.

Look for a bold new idea – one that will make you leave the shore and set sail for uncharted territory.

And then take the plunge.

Like I did when I decided to leave HTA and set up my own creative shop; or when I left India for America to start life all over again; or when I started this blog; or when I quit my job to become an SPM consultant.

It was very scary to quit my job and decide to become a consultant.

I did not know whether I would pull it off.

But I am so glad I took the plunge.

It gave me a chance to try my hand at new things and expand my horizons.

Today, as a result of that decision, I have all of this under my belt:

Implementations

Commission Models

Systems Testing

UAT Testing

Process Documentation

Project Management

White Papers

Training

Arthur Schopenhauer said, “Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.”

Now that I have done so much more in the SPM space, I realize my previous conceptions of myself were so limited and so narrow.

I did not know it at the time, but I was capable of a lot more.

This is what you too will discover for yourself when you set out on your own brave new adventure.

When the opportunity to lead is presented to you, you will find out you are a leader, when the opportunity to communicate is presented to you, you will find out you are a communicator, when the opportunity to be a change agent is presented to you, you will find out you are a change agent, when the opportunity to create new ideas is presented to you, you will find out you are an ideas generator, and so on and so on.

You will be a shape-shifter and you will rise to many different occasions.

Dan Stevens says, “The comfort zone is the great enemy to creativity; moving beyond it necessitates intuition, which in turn configures new perspectives and conquers fears.”

I was so scared when I started Purple Patch.

But as Stevens says, my intuition would come to my aid to help me solve problems.

I remember one of these problems was being terrified of broaching the subject of money to my clients.

But then I had a brainwave. I could write out what I was going to say to my clients, and practice saying these words. I did this until I became comfortable discussing money with my clients.

Every time, I had something tricky to deal with, I could rely on my intuition to help me find an answer.

These solutions were not always logical, but they worked.

Manoj Arora says, “Coming out of your comfort zone is tough in the beginning, chaotic in the middle, and awesome in the end...because in the end, it shows you a whole new world!!”

Indeed, in each of my new adventures, I have had to experience “tough beginnings” and “chaotic middles” to get to the “awesome ends”.

As an SPM consultant, times were really rough initially.

It was hard to catch a wind.

And things did not always go well.

But I put one step in front of the other and trudged on.

And I resisted the idea of giving up.

Thanks to my Purple Patch experience, I knew that my lucky break could be just around the next corner.

Or the next.

Or the next.

So I stayed the course.

And I ignored the voice in my head which said, “Minoo, you are out of your element - cut your losses now.”

The naysaying voice in your head will tell you all sorts of things, if you let it.

Every time something goes wrong, it will say, “See, I told you so.  You are making a fool of yourself.”

Ashton Kutcher said, “I'm continually trying to make choices that put me against my own comfort zone. As long as you're uncomfortable, it means you're growing.”

Ashton was willing to be uncomfortable.

When he made the choice to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

When he made the choice to play Steve Jobs in the movie Jobs.

He was willing to get out of his comfort zone and take on scary, uncomfortable roles which audiences believed were beyond him.

Are you prepared to be like Ashton?

Are you willing to take on an uncomfortable role that people believe is beyond you?

Yes?

That’s great.

You should never second-guess yourself.

You should never think to yourself you are not good enough to do this or to do that.

You should never pigeonhole yourself or typecast yourself by saying, “I am not this, I am not that.”

These are just excuses to stay in your comfort zone.

Imagine if Michael Angelo had said, “Painting is not my thing. I am a sculptor, not a painter.” We wouldn’t have had the magnificent painting on the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

The tendency to pigeonhole ourselves can be a barrier to our growth.

My first career was in advertising copy.

Because of all my years doing nothing but writing, I came to pigeonhole myself as a “words person”. Whenever anyone talked numbers to me, my eyes would glaze over, and I would say, “I am a words person, not a numbers person”

But necessity and opportunity, and Laura H’s belief in me, made me take up my first job as a commissions analyst, and I never looked back.

Thanks to putting paid to the notion that “numbers were not my thing”, I was able to support myself and my daughter, working with large sets of numbers day in and day out.

Every day people change course and do well in new fields.

I have a friend in Australia. Her husband got a Masters degree in agricultural science and spent more than a decade as a horticulturist and landscaper in India.  Then he got a stint in Australia to work on the landscaping for a big expo in Sydney. It was a temporary stint, so it ended when the expo came to an end.  My friend’s husband wanted to stay in Australia, but he could not find work in his field. At this point, he could have told himself “I should just go back to India and ask for my old landscaping job at West End Hotel.”  But he didn’t let his education, training and experience in the ag field become an obstacle to his desire to remain in Australia. He decided to change course. Bravely, he put all his successes in the ag field behind him, and retrained to be a school teacher. He got his teaching credential and became a math teacher at a private high school, where he has been for the last 20 years. He was able to stay in Australia and provide a good life for his wife and his 3 children, as a result of his courageous decision to switch tracks.

I have another friend who changed course, not once, but twice in her life. She graduated from UVC College in Bangalore with a civil engineering degree.  She then changed course by taking up a job as a recruiter at a tech company in Bangalore.  When she moved to America, she changed course again by getting into real estate. She is so successful as a realtor, I tease her and say, “You are a future Donald Trump”. People are surprised when they learn her journey to becoming a realtor started with a degree in civil engineering.

These are two stories of people who, by not pigeonholing themselves, and being willing to get out of their comfort zones, created success for themselves in entirely new fields.

Ziad K Abdelnour says “The best way to develop people is to constantly get them out of their comfort zone.”

When SPI invited me to join their Xactly implementations team, and work on the Trepp, Splunk , Fusion and Lynda implementations, it got me out of my comfort zone.

When Salesforce Inc contracted me to do Xactly systems testing, it got me out of my comfort zone.

When White Hat asked me to develop a commission model for them, it got me out of my comfort zone.

When Spectrumbiz tech sent me for Varicent training, and deputed me to various companies to work on the Varicent platform, it got me out of my comfort zone.

When Epicor, Varian Medical and Paypal signed me on as a transition commissions analyst, and let me write their process documentation, it got me out of my comfort zone.

Brian Tracy says, “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”

Most of us would like to grow, but we don’t want the awkward and uncomfortable feelings that come with it.

So we say to ourselves “I am fine with this”.

We are afraid of giving up the comfort and stability of what we have, even if it is eating up our soul.

Are you tired of being trapped in a mental prison of your own making?

Well then, you know what you have to do.

Take a bold, scary step which will get you out of your comfort zone.

Here are the steps again…..

Step 1 – Say yes.

Step 2 – Take the plunge.

Step 3 – Keep at it. Resist the temptation to abandon ship, even if, the going is tough, and the pickings are slim initially.

I promise you - your perseverance will pay off.

I will end with a quote by Steve Jobs, “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week…..M…..a Pearl –Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay, Ananda, Subhakar and Uday for your comments on Facebook, and thanks to the rest of you for your votes.  Much appreciated…thanks for keeping me going.