The Day The New Ruj Das Began

                         Under the Christmas Tree

“What? Mom never buys us Christmas presents! Are you sure you heard right?” I said. I was talking with my older sister Shalini on the phone.  She lives in LA and I live in Cleveland, Ohio.

“I know” she said, “I was surprised myself. But when I called Mom this morning….

“A minute, Shal, I said.  “Stop that goddamn noise.  I am trying to talk on the phone, here” I shouted at my kids.

I came back on the phone, “Sorry, Shal, what were you saying?”

“Well, I asked Mom, what made you buy us Christmas presents for us this year?  You always used to tell us, ‘let me know if you really want anything, and I will buy that for you, or help you buy that’.  I mean back when she was still working and hadn’t retired.”

 “Wonder why the sudden change” I said,   “How could she even know what we want?”

“I know - I asked her that” said Shal.

“And what did she ….give me a minute, Shal” I said.   To my kids: “Stop that goddamn noise.  Do you want a time-out?  I think you want a time-out.  Go stand in the corner there.  Go, go.  And you….you go sit on that couch and keep your mouth shut.”

“But, Mummy,” my daughter protested.

“No Mummy business!  Just go and sit on that goddamn couch” I yelled.

I came back on the phone again.  “Sorry.  These kids drive me mad.  What were you saying?”

“Well when I asked Mom, how she could possibly know what we want, she said, ‘Shal, let’s put it this way, it’s something I really want each of you to have’ “

“Wow, I don’t know whether I am curious or mad.  After all, I am the one practically supporting her now,” I said. “So it’s my money being wasted.”

I regretted saying that, but the fact I was the only one supporting our mother rankled me.

Shal was silent for a minute.  I know I had made her uncomfortable.  I made the most money of the 3 of us, so even though I had 2 kids to support, I had to cough up to help our mother, and sometimes to help Lu, our younger sister.  Shalini had a low paying job, and Lu was practically on public assistance, so it was up to me.

“Did Mom tell you she wants us to be there on December 26?” Shal said hesitantly.

“Yes, she did. I was about to ask you about that.  Do you know why?”

“She never said.”

“Just great! “ I said. “On top of everything, she expects us to be there on December 26!  I don’t know if I can handle any more requests.  I am so stressed as it is. This is so frickin inconvenient.” Do you think Lu is involved as well?”  I asked.

Lu (short for Luna) was our younger sister.

Mom had become very bohemian over the years. By the time Lu was born, she was into New Age mumbo jumbo, and had decided to call our youngest sister Luna.

“I don’t know” Shal said, “I tried calling her, but I got her voicemail.  I hope she calls back.”

“I am curious to know if she’s involved” I said, “One minute, Shal, what now?” I yelled.  It was my daughter again. “What do you goddamn want?  Hungry?  Go get some carrots out of the fridge and eat them.”

She protested, “Sorry, carrots are all you are going to get.” I shouted.

I was back on the phone again.  “Sorry. These frickin kids!” I said.

“You were asking about Lu,” Shal said. Well, you know Lu.  She may call back today, she may call back in a few days, or she may not call back at all, we may just see her in San Jose. I hope we see her in San Jose. I am worried about her.”

“I don’t mean to be mean, Shal, but I am a bit tired of Lu’s chaos.  I think I will be okay if she does not show.” I laughed an uncomfortable laugh.  I was being mean again. “Wow, Mum bought us Christmas presents!  I suppose I should be happy.  When will you be arriving in San Jose?”

“I arrive morning of the 24^th.  What about you?” Shal asked.

“I am getting in midnight on the 23^rd. I will rent a car and drive to Mom’s house”I said.

We exchanged a few more words and ended our call.

I did not think about the Christmas presents from Mom, until I got into San Jose on the 23^rd and arrived at Mom’s house.

I had come alone – leaving my kids and husband.  It was sad I couldn’t be with them for Christmas, but I routinely made sacrifices like this for my Mom and my siblings.

A part of me wondered whether my kids were glad to have me out of the way for a few days.  I was the tough one, the disciplinarian, the one who was quick to anger, the one who doled out punishments.  I was no fun.  Their dad, on the other hand……

As Mom opened the door, I spotted the Christmas tree behind her.

“A Christmas tree!” I exclaimed.

“Pru bought it for me,” she said quickly.  I could tell she felt the need to explain the expense, because of the money I had started sending every month.

Under the tree, there were 3 small gift bags and two wrapped presents.  The wrapped presents had a cartoony gift wrap so I knew those were for my kids. The 3 gift bags looked quite flat.  All that could be in them was a gift card and a card.  What a big deal Mom had made about “her Christmas presents.”

“So glad to see, you Ruj” Mom said. “You have put on weight, but you look great.”  I cringed.  I hated anyone saying anything about my weight.  Why do people think they have to comment on your appearance when they haven’t seen you for a while?  Indians have this especially bad habit.

Mom asked me if I wanted anything to eat, or whether I just wanted to go to bed.

I said, “I’ll just go to bed.”

Later, as I lay in bed, I could not fall asleep immediately. Memories of earlier times spent in this room overwhelmed me.  I remembered playing the guitar in this room and composing songs, reading Ayn Rand, playing music taped for me by a boyfriend, and dancing wildly.

Where had the sweetness and innocence of my youth gone? I had become a crotchety, irritable person who worked, ate, kept house, parented, and shouted. I took pleasure in few things.  I fell asleep with these thoughts.

The next morning, Shal arrived. Whatever faults Shal might have, she is a cheerful soul.  Shal is always cheerful. She is one of those jokes-a-minute types.  Some of her jokes are funny, some are not, but she keeps dishing them out.

 “Ho, ho,ho” she said as I opened the door for her, “Have you been naughty, or have you been nice?”  A Santa cap was on her head and she had an oblong shaped wrapped gift in her hand. When she saw me look at the gift, she said “Yes, it’s that,” she said.  This was the kind of humor she had.  I rolled my eyes.

“Mom, Shal is here,” I shouted. Mom came out. Shal and her exchanged hugs.  “I brought presents for everyone.  Where should I put them. I guess under the tree” Shal said.  She walked to the tree and put her gifts under them. Then she spotted the presents which Mom had bought. “Are these our presents?  Ooh….I can’t wait to open them” she said.

Shal certainly made up for my lack of enthusiasm.

“I have presents for you 3 as well. Let me bring them down.” I said.

“Lu should be here by 3 p.m.” said Shal, looking at me, possibly remembering I said I would not miss Lu’s chaos, if she did not show.  “Oh, she is coming then.” I said, feeling both sheepish and tense at the same time.

“Yes, she is coming, and she is going to make dinner for all of us,” said Shal, “She gave me a list of groceries to buy.  Can you drive me to the grocery store, Ruj? If you can’t, it’s okay.  I can take the bus.”

“No, no, I’ll drive you,” I said.

So we went and picked up groceries.

And then we went to the airport to get Lu - who arrived, not 1 hour late, or 2 hours late, but 3 hours late. 

We waited almost 4 hours at the airport for her because she had missed her flight, and had to take a later flight. 

It was typical of Lu to miss her flight.  It was also typical of her not to call and inform us. 

I was so mad, I wanted to scream at her when she arrived. Shal, on the other hand, had a completely different response to the situation.  “Oh you poor thing,” she said to Lu, “How did you manage? Did you get anything to eat?  Do you want me to buy you something to eat here at the airport?”

I glared. Lu looked and me and said she could wait.

That night we had a great dinner cooked by Lu.  I was surprised she actually delivered on it.  There was every chance she might have said “I need to take a nap” and would have crashed on us till midnight.  But no, she cooked us dinner, and it was an excellent dinner. There was a bit of tension here and there.  Like when Mom asked Lu how she was doing, and Lu said she was planning to go back to school.  She had been saying that for years.  It made me mad. I knew, we all knew, nothing would come of it.

But Shal and Mom always believed her stories.  “Oh, yes you should” they gushed.  “You should do catering. You are such a good cook”.

What a joke, I thought.

But I was grateful for the dinner. It was excellent.  Everything a Christmas meal should be. I could never cook like that.

After dinner, Lu played the guitar, and we all sang carols and then went to bed.

The next morning, it was time to open our presents.

Lu had brought Mom, Shal and me soaps.  We all liked soaps. Soaps were a good present for us.  Shal’s present to Mom was a Brita water pitcher and a Niederegger Marzipan Roll (the oblong gift, with which Shal had made her entrance the previous morning). And her present to me was a cute top.  My presents to all 3 of them were a bunch of gift cards to restaurants.

It was time to open Mom’s presents to us.

“You go first,” I said to Shal.

She would be enthusiastic, no matter what the present was.

“Oh they are all the same,” said Mom.  I bought you all the same present, so you can open your presents together.”

So we opened our presents, and there was a look of bafflement on each of our faces.

“Eva-lution?  What’s this?” asked Shal, reading the gift card in her hand.

Lu and I held similar cards in our hand.

“Pru told me about it” Mom said. “I thought you know about it.  It’s run by this lady called Eva Lucien.”

“What’s it?” I said, “Is it a spa?”

“No,” said Mom, “It’s more like life coaching, you know, to help you evolve as a person. That’s why it’s called Eva-lution”

“Evolve as a person?  Oh,no, Mom. What have you been conned into?  None of us needs any evolving.  Okay, maybe Lu.”

“Give it a chance,” she replied.  I have paid for an hour for each of you on the 26^th.  You don’t have to go, but I hope you will.”

“How much did you spend on this?” I said, suddenly thinking about the fact she had bought this with my money.

“They were $25 apiece” she said.

“I think I would have preferred a Starbucks card, instead.” I said.

Shal and Lu were awfully quiet.

“Shal, what do you think about this?  How come you are not saying anything?”

“Er” she said uncomfortably.  “Mom, I know you wanted us to stay through the 26^th.  But I have to leave early tomorrow morning.  Dhanu wants to buy a new car, and he wants me back tomorrow morning.”

Dhanu was Shal’s husband.

Just like Shal to renege on a commitment for some flimsy reason.

Just like Shal to lie on the phone to me she was going to be there on the 26^th, just to make sure I would be there.

I was the scapegoat.

I was tricked into this to make sure Mom wouldn’t get disappointed.

We both knew Lu could never be counted on.

“What!” I said to Shal, “You couldn’t call me and tell me you wouldn’t be here on the 26th.  You manipulated this, so I would be here.  You are such a shit, I said.  You are such a frickin shit.”

“I planned to be there,” she said, “but unfortunately, we really need a new car. Our car is giving trouble, blah, blah, blah” When Shal needed to make an excuse, she would go into long explanations which only made one even angrier.

I held out my palm to her. “Enough” I said. “Stop with this Dhanu needs a new car business. Uggh”

“I will save this and use it when I come another time” Shal said to Mom. 

I knew it was crap.  It would just gather dust.

“What a pity you can’t go” said Mom.  “Yes, please save it for when you next visit, Shal.  Ruj, you and Lu will go, won’t you?”

I felt trapped.

“Yes, I’ll go,” I said irritably.

The rest of the day, we focused on enjoying Christmas day.  Friends who knew we were in town came to visit.  “Please don’t talk to any of them about Eva-lution,” I said to Mom, Shal and Lu.  “I will go tomorrow, but I don’t want to hear any more about it today.”  The rest of the day turned out to be pretty nice.

“Since I am leaving early in the morning, I will say my goodbyes now” said Shal, before we went to bed.

I was still mad at her for leaving me holding the Eva-lution baby, so I said “You’re so full of crap, Shal. And you will never change.  Anyway…bye.”

The next morning when it came time to leave for the appointment, I said to Lu, “C’mon, let’s go.”

“I am not feeling too good, Ruj.  You carry on.” she said.

Just as I expected, I thought.

“Whatever” I said and left.

I plugged the address into my phone gps and I was surprised to find myself driving in an exclusive residential neighborhood.

Eva-lution was being run out of an in-law house, attached to a luxurious house.

I got out of my car and made my way up the path to the in-law house which bore the sign Eva-lution.

I pressed the Hummingbird decorative doorbell, and the door was opened by an attractive blonde who might have been in her late 30’s.

“I have an appointment.  My name is Rujni Das.” I said.

“Eva” she said, extending her hand. “Do come in”.

The room had completely white décor.  The walls were white, the furniture was white. There were white statues and white ornaments and white lamps.  The only thing that broke the color was a vase filled with red roses in the center of a coffee table.

She pointed to a small glass topped table on either side of which was a white chair.  “Sit in any of the chairs” she said.

I sat down.

“Before we begin, I want you to know it’s up to you to get what you want from today’s session” she said.  “You can go away with something, or you can go away empty handed. It’s up to you.”

“How is it up to me?” I asked.

“Well, you are going to pick the area in which to evolve, and then you are going to walk out of that door and start evolving in that area.”

                                The Cards Are On the Table

She went into another room and emerged with what looked like a pack of cards.

“Are they tarot cards?” I asked

“No, they are Eva-lution cards.”

The back of each card just said Eva-lution.

She took one of the Eva-lution cards and placed it face up in front of me.

“What does it say?” she said.

“Emotional blackmail,” I said.

“Is that something you want to, or need to evolve out of?”

“No, that’s something my sister Shal needs to evolve out of.  But shit that she is (I’m sorry, but she’s a shit), she will never evolve out of it, because it suits her not to.  She was supposed to be here today, but she slimed her way out of it.” I said.

“I am going to place the next card on the table.  Give me your thoughts about this next card when you see it.”

“The next card said “Arrogance.”

“I admit, I am a bit arrogant,” I said, “Maybe I need to evolve out of arrogance.”

“Why do you think you are arrogant?” she asked

“Because I think I am better than my Mom and my sisters.  I find all 3 of them incredibly weak, incredibly unreliable, and incredibly unambitious – in comparison with myself.”

“Do you think they should evolve out of being weak, unreliable, or unambitious?”

“That’s the thing,” I said, “I don’t know. Shal is happier than me, calmer than me.  I think if she was ambitious, she might become unhappy - like me.”

“Are you unhappy?”

“Sort of”

“What about?” asked Eva.

“I feel there’s too much on my shoulders.  Everyone is too dependent on me.  My husband, my kids, my mom, my sisters”

“Do you think they should evolve out of their dependence?”

“My kids can’t help it.  But yes, all the rest of them, yeah”

“Are you co-dependent? Is that why they are dependent?” she asked.

“Maybe I am.  I need to stop thinking I have to solve everything.”

“Do you solve everything?”

“No, Shal solves some things.  It’s only when she cannot solve things, she turns to me.  And Lu, she’s a good cook and all. And she manages to survive.”

“Do you want to evolve out of your co-dependence?”

“Maybe,” I said, “but it’s not that big of a deal.  Because it’s not all the time, you know.”

“I will place the next card down.  Let me know your thoughts about it.”

The next card had the words “Fear”.

I looked at the card and started thinking about fear.

“What are your thoughts about fear?” Eva asked.

“Well, I guess it’s because I am so fearful, that I think I have to solve everything. I think tragedy will strike if I don’t step up.”

“What kind of tragedy?”

“Like someone may get sick, or someone may die, or someone may be a failure, or someone may be on the streets.  I’m afraid if I’m not tough with my kids, they will become failures, if you know what I mean”

“Do you want to evolve out of fear?”

“Maybe,” I said.  “But there’s a protective aspect to fear.  Because of fear, I avoid doing some risky things and I take steps to protect myself from other things.  Fear keeps me safe, in a sense.”

“I will set the Maybe cards aside to revisit” she said.

So far, they were Arrogance, Codependence and Fear.

She placed the next card on the table.

It said “Laziness”.

“We don’t have to dwell on that one.  I am definitely not lazy” I said. Laziness is Shal’s territory.  And Lu – I don’t know what to call it.  Irresponsibility, I think….yes, irresponsibility.”

“Does Shal need to evolve out of laziness?”

“Kind of,” I said, “She’s pretty active and all. But if she doesn’t like doing anything, she just doesn’t do it. So she neglects some important areas.”

“Does she need to evolve out of neglect?”

“I think it’s a question of priorities.  Shal has different priorities.  She neglects the things she doesn’t care about.  She is very attentive to the things she does care about.”

“I will place the next card on the table” she said.  “Let me know your thoughts about it.”

The card said “Opinionatedness”

“I am such a shit” I said. “I am the one who is the most opinionated of all of us.  I focus on everyone else’s shit instead of mine.  I am sure you have figured that out.  You are probably thinking what an opinionated shit this person is, and that I definitely need to evolve”

Eva didn’t respond to that.  She just said, “Do you need to evolve out of opinionatedness?”

“Yes, I think so.  Maybe.  I don’t know.”

“I will set it aside,” she said.

Now there was Arrogance, Fear, Codependence and Opinionatedness.

“I will place the next card on the table” she said. “Let me know your thoughts about it.”

The card said Ingratitude.

Suddenly, there were tears in my eyes.

I thought about the excitement with which my mother had called us about the Christmas gifts. No doubt, they had meant a lot to her.

I thought about Shal, and how much she cared about Mom and Lu.

I thought about the fact life had given me so much more than any of them had, yet here was I, being so  grudging, so resentful, so critical, and so mean.

“I am so ungrateful” I said.  I have a wonderful job, a great husband, super kids, a fabulous house, a solid professional future ahead of me, and I have no health issues.  I should be grateful for all of this.  Instead I am always complaining, and getting mad, and freaking out.”

“Do you need to evolve out of ingratitude?” she asked.

“Yes, I think I do,” I said. “What happens here?  You have set several cards aside.”

“Well, you have to finally select just one card. And then you will commit yourself to working on evolving out of that next year.  You will have to walk out of here with that commitment.”

“In that case, let’s keep going.” I said. I got the feeling the area in which I most needed to evolve had not yet surfaced on the cards.

Addiction.

Anxiety.

Excuses.

Procrastination.

She kept putting cards on the table.

And then suddenly, it was on the table.

The 5 letter word that made the people around me, and especially my kids lead a cursed life.

The 5-letter word that was the bane of my life….

Anger.

As soon as Eva placed Anger on the table, I began to sob.

“I have been such a terrible Mom to my kids.” I said. “All they see me do is rant and rave.  Not a day goes by when I don’t fly off the handle at them, or at somebody else.  I’ve put my kids through so much.  I know it’s something I need to stop doing. I need to definitely stop getting so mad at them. I need to change in this area badly.”

“You are sure?  You need to evolve out of anger?” Eva said.

“I am sure.  I am not sure whether I can do it, but it’s something I desperately need to do.  Oh, Eva, I need to do it so badly. I am not sure you understand.”

“I understand” she said. “Give me your hand, Ruj” she said.

I stretched my hand across the table, and she took it.

“You can do this” she said.  “Believe me you can do this.  You were meant to evolve.  We are all meant to evolve. You can evolve out of anger.

“But how, “I said, and started sobbing. 

“There are anger management classes you can go to.  You can learn meditation, you can do a yoga class.  For now, just commit yourself to being aware of yourself, every time you get angry. That’s the way to start”

I nodded my head.

                                Playing With A New Hand

“Say to yourself, ‘I can do this.’” she said.

“I can do this.” I said.

“Say to yourself, ‘I will do this.’ ” she said.

“I will do this.” I said.

“Say to yourself, ‘I will do this for my kids, for my husband, for my mother, for my sisters, for myself.”

I repeated, ‘I will do this for my kids, for my husband, for my mother, for my sisters, for myself.’ ”

“Say to yourself, ‘I will reimagine a life without anger; imagination is a powerful thing.’ ”

I repeated, “I will reimagine a life without anger; imagination is a powerful thing.”

“Say to yourself, ‘I will connect with my inner wisdom.’”

I said, “I will connect with my inner wisdom.”

“Say to yourself, ‘my intuition will tell me what to do, as my intuition told me this was the area I needed to work on.’ ”

“My intuition will tell me what to do, as my intuition told me this was the area I needed to work on.’”

“Say to yourself, ‘This will be a healing experience for me.’”

“This will be a healing experience for me.”

“Say to yourself, ‘Time marches on and there’s not a minute to lose.’”

I repeated, “Time marches on and there’s not a minute to lose.”

She let go off my hand, and handed me the Anger card.

“Don’t walk out of the door with this card, unless you are seriously going to evolve out of this” she said.

“If you don’t think you can do it, leave the card here on the table, and come back when you are ready.”

“I am ready,” I said and got up.

She handed me a tissue box, and I blew my nose.

I was surprised how light I felt.

Just knowing I had committed myself to evolving out of anger, made me feel light….I could see this terrible curse beginning to loosen its hold on my life.

“Are you feeling better?” said Eva.

“Yes, I am.  Thank you, Eva. This has been transformative for me,” I said.

“Don’t thank me. Thank your Mom” she said.

I walked out of there a different person.

I had made a commitment to change.

When you make a commitment to change, things fall into place.

Things align in your favor.

Had the kids become nicer, or was I imagining it?

Had my Mom and Shal and Lu changed?

No, I was the one who changed.

And by changing, everything around me changed.

Awareness and acceptance were the tools.

By becoming aware of my thoughts and actions, I was able to stop acting on them.

The words would come to my mouth, but I would observe them and not act on them.

We are afraid not to act, because we think something terrible will happen if we don’t.

I learned to trust bad things will not happen.

I returned from that Christmas to my kids and my husband a changed person.

What I received that day from Mom was the best Christmas gift I have ever received in my life……the chance to play my future with a new hand.        

                                 The End

Dear Readers,

The truth of what we are is not the truth of what we can be.  Ruj’s story is any enlightened being’s story.  We can evolve out of any behavior. And we should evolve out of our negative behaviors. Though this is a work of fiction, I was like Ruj until a few years ago. But I was able to conquer my anger management issues.  Evolving out of behaviors is easier than we think.   Evolving out of anger was easier for me, than avoiding sweets, or conquering my fear of public speaking.

For 2016, I have set myself the goal of evolving in the area of housekeeping.  I have let my apartment go.  I need to clean it up, get rid of stuff, and make it more livable. 

Can you be my Eva and help me evolve in this area?

How?

Just ask me once a month what progress I have made, requesting specific details. 

Now shoddy housekeeping doesn’t hurt anyone like anger does.  And yet it’s something I want to evolve out of. 

Can I count on you to keep me on track?  If I crowdsource this, I think I may have a better chance of achieving it. I don’t need you to give me physical help, or any other kind of help.  I just want you to keep pushing me.

As always, thanks for reading, and have a great day and week.  Thanks to Aarathi, Ajay, Audrey, Monica and Sangeetha for their feedback on my recent posts, and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, pins, tweets and votes.  Much appreciated.