I am a good and faithful wife. I deserve to be loved.

“I am a good and faithful wife. I deserve to be loved.” Is this a good love-rule to have?

No says a fascinating book on mood therapy.

Written by Dr. David Burns, a renowned psychiatrist and therapist, the book says “I am a good and faithful wife. I deserve to be loved” is a love-rule that sets a woman up to have unrealistic expectations of her husband; then get angry and depressed when she does not get confirmation.

The love rule causes Sue, an angry and depressed patient of Dr. Burns, to experience a constant sense of danger.

Every time her husband does not give her an appropriate helping of love and attention, she takes it as a confirmation of her inadequacy. 

She then manipulates and demands his attention and respect to defend herself against a loss of self-esteem.

She resorts to one of the following 3 manipulations...

She intimidates her husband with emotional explosions.

Punishes him with her icy withdrawal.

Emotionally blackmails him by arousing his guilt.

Dr. Burns says in addition to the unpleasantness this creates, the love-rule of “If I am a good and faithful wife, I deserve to be loved” won’t work well in the long run. 

For a while, Sue’s manipulations will get her some of the attention she craves. 

But the price she pays is the love she receives isn’t (and can’t be) given freely and spontaneously. 

Sue’s spouse will feel exhausted, trapped, and controlled; and his resentment against her will build. 

Eventually – when he stops buying into the belief that he has to give in to her demands - his resentment will press for release and his desire for freedom will overpower him.

Dr. Burns helps Sue see the faulty thinking behind her love-rule and helps her rewrite the rule.

This is how she is cured of her anger and depression and able to save her marriage.

According to Dr. Burns, faulty thinking is largely behind most angry and depressive states of mind.

The cure lies in addressing and correcting the faulty thinking.

Dr. Burns’ Mood Therapy book is designed to help you do just that.

It’s a do-it-yourself step by step guide to identifying and changing your faulty thinking.

The book is a tool-kit, and the exercises are time-tested – they are the same ones Dr. Burns and his colleagues have developed and used working with patients with many different problems and situations.

Depending on your situation, you will use different components of the tool-kit.

To help you, there are many examples provided based on real-life patients of Dr. Burns and his colleagues.

Most are common easy-to-relate-to situations.

There’s  Holly, the nineteen year old, who believes the world is a lousy place and life is just not worth living.

There’s Jed, a college student, who is consumed by guilt because he has done better than his depressed twin brother in every way and feels responsible that his brother has become a depressed recluse.

There’s Nancy, who is sure she’s a bad mother because she received a note from her son’s teacher informing her he is having difficulties in school.

And Annette, a successful single boutique owner, who gets very despondent on weekends and stays in bed, not being able to find the desire or energy to do anything else.

There’s even a grandmother who goes to pieces because her adult son comes down with depression and she feels guilty about passing the gene to him.

The book is called Feeling Good and you can check it out here.

P.S. Dr. Burns is currently Adjunct Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. 

P.S. 2: Feeling Good is rated #1 book on depression, out of a list of 1,000 self-help books.

P.S. 3: Dr. Burns has written several other books, including sequels and companion books to Feeling Good.  His latest book is When Panic Attacks. You can read more about Dr. Burns at this link to his website.