The Element of Making Authentic Autonomous Decisions and Its Hope for Living Life On Our Own Terms

What is it about Howard Roark that appeals so strongly to the young imagination?

It’s the concept of “personhood”

Of being able to make our own decisions and do things in our own best interest.

We all crave personhood.

We want to own our decisions, our choices, our behaviors.

We want to be able to think “yes, those are my thoughts” or “yes, I truly believe that”

We feel uncomfortable parroting someone else’s thoughts and ideas, if we don’t believe in those thoughts and ideas, or can’t relate to them.

The sense of being present to ourselves is an important human need.

It underpins our sense of achievement.

In fact, in every expression of our success, and in everything we create, unless it’s an expression of what we want to do and create, there will be something missing.

A sense of achievement cannot be experienced second hand.

If we have successful parents, our lives may boast wealth and power and prestige.

But we can never get a sense of achievement from the success of our parents.

We will need to achieve our own goals to experience a sense of achievement.

We should choose a goal we are passionate about.

Our goal should uniquely excite us.

One person will be excited by music, another by film, another by sports, another by farming, another by building cars, another by creating a new software program, another by cooking, another by fashion.

Where we live, who we have met, the words we have heard, the games we have played, the teachers who have made an impression on us, the countries we have visited, the people we have loved, the problems we have faced, and many more factors, will play a part in shaping our unique passion or goal.

The goal will be unique to us, our circumstances, our history, our interests and our personality.

And we should never let anyone put a spoke between ourselves and our goal or passion.

We should stand up to the people in our lives who want us to do something else.

Even when the pressure comes from our own families.

If we do not have the courage to, we may experience success, but it will be at the cost of our passion and engagement.

Passion and engagement is essential to living a full and authentic life.

We shouldn’t be afraid of expressing our autonomy.

We shouldn’t be afraid of being considered uncooperative and anti-social.

We shouldn’t be afraid of being thought of as misfits.

It is very easy to feel like a misfit.

All it takes is to be a liberal in a conservative family.

Or to be a conservative in a liberal family.

The people around us may pathologize our choices.

Every generation pathologizes everything their children choose to do – if it is different from what they expect, or if it is different from what they would do themselves - from their tastes in music to their tastes in dressing to their tastes in entertainment, and more.

I was guilty of this myself.

But I gave up my Tiger Mom ways and Helicopter Mom ways and embraced the fact of “a new generation, a new expression”.

And as soon as I did that, my relationship with my daughter went from negative to positive.

And I never looked back.

Our choices may carry the threat of being disowned and looked down on.

This may strike terror in our hearts.

We don't want to be looked down on; we want to be looked up to.

We are deathly afraid of being marginalized.

Only our integrity and fearlessness can lead us out of being captive to these fears.

Do you envy those who have less to lose and are free to follow the crowd or go away their own way?

They get tattoos and gauges in their ears; they say bold things about religion and society; they never have to fear their actions will cause them to lose their place in the world and all the support they have had, because they don’t have it anyway.

Yes, it is going to be harder for some than others to make authentic autonomous decisions.

You may be one of them.

But look to the lives of the famous saints like St. Francis of Assisi and you will surely find your inspiration.

Parents - there are two ways for you to say “I love you” to your child.

One way is to say “Happy Birthday, Son or Daughter.  Nothing but the best for you” and then give them an Armani Suit or a Vera Wang dress.

The other way is to say, “I know you have your heart set on doing X or being X. Go for it. It is a little hard for me to stomach it, but I give you my approval”

Why stress your child by making them do something or be something that goes against their grain?

What is stress after all – but compliance with rules and expectations that go against our grain? 

When I was in my early 20’s, I had a friend. She danced to her own drummer; she dressed differently, she lived differently; she made different choices. I used to say to her, “I think you have been dropped on earth by extraterrestrials from another planet.”

My friend never did anything against her grain. It made her stand out from everyone else.

Most people live a complaint life.  They are afraid to live a non-compliant life.

But a compliant life can never lead to true engagement.

Dancing to someone else’s tune gets old and wearisome.

Daniel Pink says:  “Control leads to compliance; autonomy leads to engagement.” 

If we want to engage somebody, we should not try to control them, but give them freedom to experiment and to do things on their own.

If we don’t, they will only follow orders.  If they only follow orders, how can they do anything new or create anything new?

We all need to feel useful and valuable and capable. This need can only be fulfilled when we are allowed to make independent decisions and take independent action.

If our every move has to be signed off on, we will quickly lose motivation and just go through the motions.

Independent thought and independent action need not be unguided thought and unguided action.

We stand to benefit from the guidance and advice of someone who is more experienced and more capable.

But we don't need to be anyone's puppet.

Quick, think back on the jobs in which you grew and you thrived and in which you experienced your greatest sense of achievement?

Autonomy would have had a big part to play in your success.

I know the reason I came up to speed so quickly as a Commissions Analyst, was because I was given full autonomy very early in the game; in fact, I was on my own after just 2 months into the job when my manager went out on maternity leave and never returned.

More recently, on my White Hat Security assignment, thanks to being given total autonomy and having an encouraging supporting manager, who always had my back, I used my free time to research creative solutions on the internet and was able to improve both the speed and accuracy with which White Hat commissions were being administered.

Autonomy leads people to want to problem solve and to give the best of themselves.

Whether we are talking about managing an employee, or whether we are talking about parenting a child.

As soon as I started trusting my daughter Tanita and respecting her choices, she started giving the best of herself. 

As we become more autonomous, we go from being people pleasers and approval seekers and image-makers and impression makers to being ourselves and making honest life choices.

Our most important life choices are not a “lie” waiting for someone to pull the curtain back on.

Our most important life choices are not a trap we allow ourselves to get in to.

Colleen Long says, “The more I try to make others happier with me, the less happy I am with myself.”

Indeed, our happiness is at stake when we allow others to dictate what we should do and how we should do it.

Self-respect can only come from looking within and doing what we think is right, not what somebody else tells us to do.

Howard Roark is the call to leave behind the limited or circumscribed life that our parents and society may have laid out for us and break through to an unlimited life where we can be who we want to be and be all we want to be.

I will end this post with the lyrics of the song “My Way”, written by Paul Anka and made immortal by the voice of Frank Sinatra:

My Way

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exception.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,

I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

As always thanks for reading and have a great day and week…..M…..a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay and Abbas for showing their appreciation for my last post The Element of the Human Spirit and Its Hope for Becoming an Unstoppable and Indefatigable Force and thanks to all the rest of you for your votes.  Much appreciated.