The Element of Not Wanting Contradictory Things and Its Hope for Getting Better Results

Every day I meet people who want everything.

They want to stay up all night and be fresh as a daisy the next morning.

They want to have Louis Vitton bags and Bruno Magli Maioco Cap Toe Oxfords and a fancy car and a fat bank balance.

They want to eat heartily and lose weight.

They want to dress inappropriately and be taken seriously.

They want to avoid risks and make money.

They want to spend time with their kids and advance on the job.

They want to be high maintenance and have good friends.

They want to be nags and be loved.

They want to avoid doing promotion-enhancing work and get a promotion.

They want contradictory things.

We have a better chance of losing what we currently have - than doing things which are contradictory to our goals, and expecting the results we desire.

No matter how much spade work we put in, no matter how much knowledge we acquire, no matter how capable we are, no matter how much we contribute, if we do things which contradict our intended goals, we will not produce the outcomes we want.

I first experienced this at a company called Vitacom, which was one of the first companies I worked for in America.

Vitacom hired me as an admin assistant in their marketing department.  It was a temporary assignment, very low paid (low end of the Admin Assistant pay scale), and I was there through a temp agency.

However, though I was hired as an admin assistant, because I had a background in advertising, Vitacom let me have a go at writing their newsletter, their product data sheets, and their exhibition booth materials.  I was very happy to be doing that, and I thought I did a great job.

Just before my six months were up, thinking my manager would not want to lose me, I went to him with a proposal  - which I thought would work great for both Vitacom and me.

I said to him, “Charles, I have a proposal. My six months is coming up soon.  When my six months is up, I would like to continue working at Vitacom, but directly - without the temp agency.  I propose that we cut out the temp agency and you pay me the agency mark-up. Since I don’t want you to pay more for my work than you are currently doing, l will work 5 half days, instead of 5 full days. Since I have learned the work, I can easily manage to complete the work in 5 half days.”

My manager said he would get back to me. Little did I know, he was shocked at my proposal, and thought I was too smart for my own good. At the end of the week, he got back to me alright. He informed me Vitacom was ending my contract by the end of the following week.  They did not want me back.

That’s when I realized I had blown it.  I had done something contradictory to my intended goals.  I had wanted so badly to get advertising and marketing experience in America, and the Vitacom assignment had made it possible. But I had blown a golden opportunity with my crass and greedy proposal.

We do self-serving things which are in complete contradiction to our goals - and then act like a rabbit in the headlights when our self-serving ideas and actions create havoc for us.

This was one such circumstance, where by doing things which were contradictory to my goals, I blew it.

I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

I wanted to gain advertising experience, and cut out the temp agency, and work half days.

As a result, I lost the opportunity altogether.

I repeat - we have a better chance of losing what we currently have, than doing things which are contradictory to our goals.

We can’t have our cake and eat it too.

Every language has a version of “you can't have your cake and eat it too”.

In Afrikaans, it is “Jy kan nie jou brood aan albei kante botter nie”, the translation of which, is “you can’t butter your bread on both sides”.

In Chinese, 又要馬兒肥(跑)，又要馬兒不吃草 –  which means “you want a horse to be fat without feeding!”.

In German, “Man kann nicht auf zwei Hochzeiten tanzen” – which means “you can’t dance at 2 weddings at the same time”.

In Polish, Mieć ciastko i zjeść ciastko –which translates to “you can’t have the cookie and eat the cookie”.

In Turkish, Gülü seven dikenine katlanir  or “If you like roses, you have to put up with the thorns.”

And from India, which is the country of my birth……

மீசைக்கும் ஆசை கூழுக்கும் ஆசை – “desire to have both the moustache and to drink the porridge” (Tamil).

ಅಕ್ಕಿ ಮೇಲೆ ಆಸೆ, ನೆಂಟರ ಮೇಲೆ ಪ್ರೀತಿ – “Desire over rice, love over relatives.”( Kannada).

After my assignment at Vitacom ended, I got another admin assistant temp assignment at NEC, where for the same pay I had been getting at Vitacom, I now had to push trolleys of mail from one building to another, get documents signed, and be shouted at by the head admin, every time I made a mistake. Just desserts, you could say.

And then I joined Palm Inc, where my career in Commissions Administration was launched.

At Palm Inc, I would learn some new lessons in “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”.

After becoming the Palm Commissions Analyst, I talked my first boss into letting me work from home one day a week.

Then a new boss inherited me. In spite of knowing my schedule was already a sticking point between us, I decided to ask him to let me work from home three days a week. At first, he said no, but I persisted with tears (I used to be good at that) and moans of “I can’t afford to pay daycare”, and he capitulated and grudgingly agreed.

But I was penalized for working from home.

In spite of doing a great job, and handling the Commissions function all on my own - sometimes pulling out all the stops to meet a tight payroll deadline, or to implement the plans for each new year -  I did not advance.

Much as I wanted recognition, praise, raises and promotions for managing the commissions function, none of it came my way.

I didn’t understand I couldn’t work from home and expect all that.

The very reason I liked my job - for the flexibility it gave me to work from home - was the reason for my lack of recognition and advancement.

“Akki mele aase nenatara mele preeti” - “Desire for rice, love for relatives”.

Either - we love the rice so much, we don't want to share it, or - we love our relatives so much, we share the rice with them.

The end of expecting contradictory things is the beginning of getting results.

Either we want to work from home more, or we want to be recognized and advance more.

The minute we start taking steps away from “working from home” and in the direction of “recognition and advancement”, we are on our way to getting the results we want.

This goes for anything we desire.

We have to choose.

When we start taking steps away from being “workaholics” and steps towards “family time”, we are on our way to rebuilding our relationship with our family – if that’s what we want.

When we start taking steps away from a “consuming hobby or habit” and start taking steps towards “constructive activities” , we are on our way to a fresh start in life – if that’s what we want.

“Akki mele aase nenatara mele preeti” - “Desire for rice, love for relatives”.

Either our work, our hobby, or our addiction matters more to us - or our family and health matters more to us.

Either we want this or we want that.

The choice is ours.

It would be nice if we didn’t have to choose.

But we have to.

So let's make a choice.

Let's make a new pact with ourselves.

"I've had enough of working from home - it's time for me to become more visible."

"I've had enough of spending all my time in self-indulgence - it's time for me to do something constructive with my life."

"I've had enough of being my own worst enemy - it's time for me to be my own best friend."

"I've had enough of breaking bridges - it's time for me to make amends."

"I've had enough of making excuses, and blaming someone, or blaming the system - it's time for me to make progress."

Make a “visible” contribution, and sooner or later. you will get recognition. Even if you don't, you will be proud of yourself, and you will become more confident.

Give up habits which are costing you your money, your relationships, your health, and your peace of mind, and sooner or later, you will have money, and relationships, and health, and peace of mind.

Include regular exercise in your routine, and sooner or later, you will look, feel and be healthier.

Eat better and eat less, and sooner or later, you will have better health and looks.

Work two hours every day at something – anything - and sooner or later, you will have gotten quite far doing that.

We should develop our B.S. meter.

We should learn to spot the B.S., not other people's B.S., but our own.

-         The B.S. that lets us get away, with complaining about the system, or with blaming someone else.

-         The B.S. that lets us pretend things are not as bad as everyone makes them out to be.

-         The B.S. that says we are where we are, only because of hard luck, and not because of lack of self-management and discipline.

-         The B.S that our case is hopeless and there's nothing we can do.

Is there really nothing we can do?

We should spend one whole day just thinking about - and writing down - the things we can do to change our circumstances, for the better - and for good.

What are the changes we can make to improve how vulnerable or hopeless we feel?

The operative word is “we”.

Not changes someone else should make - but changes we should make.

The more time we spend thinking about what someone else is doing, or is not doing, the less time we spend thinking about how we can improve our own situation.

We should not live in the past.  The past may have been painful, the past may have been wonderful, but it is the past after all.

All we have is now.

I have been a Commissions Consultant since mid-2010. 

I exchanged the security of a regular paycheck - and benefits - for the freedom of being able to go from assignment and assignment.

Either I wanted a secure job, or I wanted freedom - I had to make a choice, and I made it.

We can't have our cake and eat it too.

So we have to be very clear about what we want.

Once we are clear about what we want, we can make our thoughts and actions align to what we want.

This is the secret of thriving and getting results.

Thriving is knowing exactly what we want - and being prepared to pay the price for it.

Results will follow.

What do you want - and what is the price you are prepared to pay for it?

This is the thought I would like to leave you with today.

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M…..a Pearl-Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay for his comments on my last post, and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, votes, pins and shares…..Much appreciated.

P.S.  Thanks also to Wikipedia – which was my source for all the versions of “Have your cake and eat it too” in different languages.