The Element of Not Letting Our Ego Keep Us Locked on a Fruitless Course and Its Hope for Making Better Use of Our Energy and Time

How many times do we see it?

People doggedly pursue a goal - only because they think they’ve invested too much time, energy, money, and most important of all, “ego” to give it up.

Our ego can become a liability to us.

It may make us throw good money after bad.

It can make us take foolish risks, because we can't accept failure.

It may make us waste time and money - to show we are superior, or to send a message to the world, that nobody can get the better of us.

Whenever we spend wasteful time in a court of law,  it's our ego that can't give up.

Whenever we play tit for tat, 9 times out of 10, it's our ego that's calling the shots.

Whenever we get very angry - at being brooked or disobeyed, it's our ego that can't stomach the reality.

In all these situations, we become like a dog that sinks its teeth into someone’s pant leg, and will not let go.

It is very hard to let go, because we think we have to vindicate ourselves.

It doesn't take much for an ego game to start for us.

A game can begin, even in the most ordinary of situations.

Say, we tell someone, “please don’t publish a photo with me in it on Facebook”, but in spite of saying that, whoever we told that to, goes ahead and publishes a photo us us on Facebook, we might start bristling, and saying to ourselves, “I am so mad. I expressly told them not to do that.”

What a waste to lock our ego,on a wish like this - over which we have no control.

We have to remember what might be a big deal to us may not be a big deal to someone else. 

Most people won't not be able to understand why we are making such a big hoo-ha.

Our ego should never be locked on wishes connected with the behavior of others.

The people in our circle who are always late to events, will continue to be always late to events.

The time-servers will continue to be time servers.

The people who take advantage of our kindness, will continue to take advantage of our kindness

The people in our circle who flake on us, and ditch us at the last minute, will continue to flake on us, and ditch us at the last minute.

We should not let our ego become entangled with another human being’s behavior.

How do we know if our ego is in the driving seat, and our rational mind has been relegated to passenger status?

Easy....

If we spend an unreasonable amount of time, energy, or emotion on something, which in the grander scheme of things, does not matter, then we know we have given the controls to our ego.

Any little thing can cause this to happen.

For example, just say we lend someone something, say a book, and we say “This is my favorite book, treat it well and return it to me in good shape.” But the person who borrows it from us, loses it, or returns it in a dog-eared condition.

We may get very upset, and possibly freak out on them.

Can you see where I am going with this?

It is the original desire to control the other person’s behavior - which is at the root of how we feel.

We should be open to the infinite possibilities of human behavior.

The people who are open to the infinite possibilities of human behavior, suffer less, and cause less suffering. 

They are both compassionate and wise.

Their compassion and wisdom enables them to take other peoples mistakes and foibles in their stride.

Their compassion and wisdom enables them to hold back, even when someone wastes their time, money and effort.

Whenever I encounter such compassion and wisdom, I am very grateful.

Such as when I was given the gift of a haircut at an expensive salon for one of my birthdays. Here's the story....

I had a birthday coming up. 

A few weeks before my birthday, my friend Julia, whom  you met in my post The United States of Friendship Part 8, said to me…..“Minoo, I was thinking.  I really like the Los Gatos salon where I cut my hair.  As a birthday present, I would like to treat you to a haircut with my hairdresser.  I have spoken with my hairdresser, and you can go there any time convenient, and she will put your haircut on my tab.  Here is the address.”

And so a few days later, I made my way there.

Julia did not know that when it came to my appearance, I was a hard nut to crack.

Over the years, many well-meaning people had tried to get me to do something about my hair, or my shoes, or my handbag, but I was a lost cause, because I was really resistant to change.

So, in spite of being well aware,  I should try to get my money's worth, or rather, Julia's money's worth for the haircut, when the hair-dresser asked me what I wanted, I said “Oh, you can just trim it 2 inches.” “Keep the style?” she asked. “Yes, keep the style,” I answered.

The result was my hair looked no different than it did before the haircut.

Now most people would have freaked out at this - after all, it was an expensive salon, and the tab was high.

But my friend Julia is a compassionate, gentle, and wise soul.

She did not look at my hair, nor did she ask me about the haircut.

She had wanted to give me a haircut as a gift, she had done that, and that was that. There was nothing more to it.

I was amazed by her reaction, or should I say, “non-reaction.”

She could have easily got worked up about the waste of money.

But she didn't - I couldn't say I would have done the same in her place.

This is an example of being open to the infinite behavior possibilities of other human beings.

One of the hallmarks of maturity, is not letting our ego get locked on a fruitless course.

It is growing up to all the different kinds of human behaviors we will encounter.

It is also one of the hallmarks of wisdom.

Wisdom is knowing what situations to let go of, and what not to let go of.

Wisdom is also knowing when to let go.

If we are not getting anywhere with people behaving the way we want them to, we can express our dismay or disappointment a few times, but then, however legitimate our desires or wishes, we should let go.

Letting go of things, frees our mind to focus on other things which could make up happy, or benefit from our attention.

We should do this, not in a “too hell with it” attitude and frame of mind, but with compassion, and with the wisdom and understanding, that different people behave differently, because we are all souls at different stages of our development.

Not letting go makes a good story and good press.

In the best action and adventure stories, someone is hell-bent on vanquishing their nemesis.

But we should leave this kind of action to the super-heroes in the movies we watch.

It is not worth it to get caught up in this kind of thing, anywhere – whether at work, or in our personal lives.

Take for example, picking on someone at work - whom we are determined “to beat”, whose success we secretly resent, whose status, position or favor, we think is undeserved.

Making it our goal to get one-up on that person is not a sensible endeavor, because the very reason for their success might be their personality, or attitude, things you may not be able to compete on.

Similarly, in a personal situation, when we express our thoughts or wishes to someone, we should not let our ego get locked on the words we have said.

Say, a teen asks dad for something, and dad says no.  So the teen goes to mum, and mum says yes, it’s okay by her for the teen to go ahead with what he wants.

This may set off an immediate internal rage in dad  - that soon becomes an external rage.

“How dare they do that? Doesn't my “no” mean something?”

Again, this is an example of trying to control someone else’s behavior, in this case, two people’s behavior, both the child's behavior and the spouse's behavior.

If people, even children, have options other than your word and approval, they will use those options.

Often when our ego is in charge, we forget about our values and principles.

Ego is pure emotion, without moral content.

Further ego doesn’t know how to let go.

Only our rational mind knows how to let go.

There are better ways of dealing with behaviors that are against our wishes and expectations, than ranting and raving.

Even typecasting someone is better than ranting and raving.

Irritated because your child flits from career to career, never settling down? Ask yourself, whether he or she could be one of those Boom Wranglers (a label for people like that which I came across in the book by Po Bronson, What Should I do With My Life).

Become an observer of people, and a psychologist, so you can understand people better and relate to them better. It will cause you less stress.

Inner change is more effective than outer tactics, when it comes to dealing with the infinite possibilities of human behavior

It is the only thing we have any real control over, anyway.

The Serenity Prayer is worth revisiting in situations, where other people’s behavior confounds us.

“God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Wisdom asks of us to risk our pride and image, and accept our failures and defeats.

We should not let another minute of another day go by, locking our ego on a fruitless course of behavior triggered by someone's behavior or position.

We should say to ourselves, “I have been foolish about the way I’ve dealt with these kinds of things so far.  I will be sensible dealing with them going forward. I will not let my ego get the better of me.”

Even when we are treated disrespectfully, instead of a personal vendetta, we can use the experience to work toward a bigger, higher cause.

This is what Mahatma Gandhi did.

Forcibly removed from a whites-only carriage, when he was riding on a train in S. Africa, he mobilized the Indians in S. Africa to fight for their political rights. 

His actions were deliberate and thought out.

He didn’t act impulsively or emotionally, in the spur of the moment.

We should take time to develop our intentions.

It is unproductive to act impulsively, or emotionally.

The minute we take an unproductive stance, we should become aware of it, so we can stop ourselves in our tracks.

Recently I read a story about a famous actress.

She was riding home with her husband from a party in the wee hours of the morning.

The police stopped their car, ordered the husband out of the car, and asked him to take a breathalyzer test.

The test showed his alcohol levels to be above the limit, so they told him he had broken the law and would have to go down to the station with them.

This caused the actress to get very angry.

She jumped out of the car and started shouting at the police.

She said her husband was not drunk, and they had no business arresting him.

When her words fell on deaf ears, she started shouting, “Do you know who I am?  How dare you do this?”

The police ordered her back into the car, saying “Maam, please get back in the car, or we will be forced to arrest you for obstructing justice.”

The actress’s ego had clearly got her into an unproductive stance.

Any of us reading the story can see that.

We should not let ego-aroused emotions get the better of us.

When we learn to make decisions - without our ego in charge, we will start making better use of our time.

And what’s more important than making better use of our time.

Time is precious, and it is even more precious to those of us who are getting older.

I will end with this quote by Daniel Goleman: “If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M…..a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay and Mangesh for their comments and compliments on my 4^th of July post….and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, pins and votes. Much appreciated.