The Oops and Downs of Trying to Submit My Latest Amazon Book Review

I submitted an Amazon book review for Indu Balachandran's book We'll be Right Back. The Oops and Downs of Advertising.

It was rejected.

"What the Bleep!" I said, "Rejected!"

A nasty side of me surfaced.

The side that's rash and impulsive when provoked.

I went..."That's it, Amazon.  You'll get no more business from me.  From today onwards, I will shop at Target and Walmart."

Luckily the cooler side of me prevailed - the one that knows not to shoot yourself in the foot intentionally.

Still I couldn't understand why my review of Indu Balachandran's book didn't make the cut – whatever the cut was.

"I am baffled. I wish I knew how their algorithm works," I said.

Suddenly a figure in blue appeared before me with Will Smith's face.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I am your genie.

You made a wish.

I am here to grant your wish.

Let's go."

The genie took a handkerchief out of his pocket, waved it, and it became a magic carpet.

"Hop on", he instructed me.

I hopped on. Currently, I have plantar fasciitis, so hopping is my standard mode of getting around.

The next thing I knew, we were sailing way above the highest rooftops on the magic carpet.

I held on for dear life.

"Don't worry," the genie with the Will Smith face said, "You won't fall off"

Presently, we spotted a building.

"That's it" he said, "That's where we’re going. Fasten your seat belt for descent.  Only joking!  You don't need a seat belt"

As we got closer to the building, I saw the sign on the building said "AA".

"Are you sure you heard my wish correctly?" I said.

"Yes", he said, "Amazon Algorithms".

He landed the magic carpet deftly in the spacious driveway of Amazon Algorithms.

I got off and we both headed into the lobby.

At the reception, he said to the lady, "She's here to see the Algorithms".

"Past reviews, or present reviews?" she asked.

"Both" I said, pointedly.

"Algorithm B - present reviews is not available.  Her calendar is completely booked till next year. I will get Algorithm A for you"

Presently, a cheerful older man came out and shook my hand, "Algorithm A", he said.  "Follow me to my office".

When we were in his office and seated, he said "Now what can I do for you?"

"Oh," I said squirming, "I was just wondering if we could go over some of the past book reviews I have written for Amazon."

"Sure," he said.

"Well, I wrote a review of Brenda Greene's Get the Interview Every Time: Fortune 500 Hiring Professionals' Tips for Writing Winning Resumes and Cover Letters.  What did you think of that?"

"Oh I remember it well" he said.  It was back in 2012.  I particularly liked your headline, “The Fact That You Played Guitar at Burning Man Won't. The Fact That You Have Relevant Computer Skills Will”.  Also, I liked how you laid out the 4 most important tips.  Great review".

I sat up a little straighter, enjoying the compliment.

"Oh, and what did you think of my review of How God Changes Your Brain by Andrew Newberg?"

"Oh I remember it well.  You said in that review, you learned to meditate from the book, and you said all sorts of wonderful things started happening after that.  You even had some telepathic experiences."

"That's right.  You've got a great memory," I said.

"We're Algorithms", he said.

"And tell me about my review of Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy by David Burns?" I said

"Oh, another one with a great headline – “If I Am A Good and Faithful Wife I Deserve To Be Loved" How do you come up with these great headlines?"

"I used to be an advertising copywriter," I said.

"Looks like you seem to remember all the details of all my reviews.  Fascinating"

"We're Algorithms" he repeated. "I can reel off the list of all your reviews if you like.  Do you want me to?" he said.

"Yes!," I said.

"There was a review of What Color Is Your Parachute by Richard Nelson Bolles, and a review of Socrates A Man For Our Times by Paul Johnson, and a review of Operation Al Nagreb by Ajay Sachdev, and a review of On Becoming Vegetarian by Anita Saran.  I liked how you wove the impact a Lewis Carroll story had on you into that one.  And you did another review of Ajay Sachdev's Oh Bangalore, which unfortunately, is no longer on Amazon, because the book is no longer for sale on Amazon. You did a review of Anita Saran's How To Write Fantasy and a review of her book City of Victory.  Do you remember your headline on that one?" I shook my head, at which he said, "A Clear Eye and Compassion".  And finally, there was a review of Undecided by Barbara Kelly, where your headline was "One cupcake away from going postal".

"Amazing" I said.  I wonder whether he noticed the slightly startled look on my face when he rattled off Undecided by Barbara Kelly at the end of his list.  I didn't have any memory of writing that review.

"So what did you come here for? Will that be all?" he asked.

"Oh, yes" I said, "Silly me.  I am forgetting the whole point of this visit.  I am here to find out why my review of Indu Balachandran's We'll be right back. The Oops and Downs Of Advertising was rejected.  I have never had a review rejected before."

"Unfortunately that's not my department", he said, "Current reviews are handled by Algorithm B".

"Would you be able to tell me why she rejected my review?"

"I'm afraid not" said Algorithm A.  "I don't know, and even if I knew, I would be overstepping my bounds if I told you."

"So I can only find out from Algorithm B?" I said.

"Yes, that's right."

I turned and looked at the genie with Will Smith's face.

"I wish to see Algorithm B even if her calendar is booked till next year. Can you make that happen?" 

"Let me see" said the genie, "I have to check the quotas."

He pulled out a paper and looked at it, and then said, "Nope, checked the quotas, I can grant only one wish to Copywriters turned Commission Analysts."

I was upset at hearing this. "This is terrible" I said. "I came all the way for nothing".  Then I realized I was being churlish and ungrateful for all the help Genie and Algorithm A had given me. I quickly added, "Genie, I really appreciate you bringing me here, and Algorithm A, I really appreciate the time you spent with me, and all the wonderful things you said about my past book reviews, but I am disappointed, because I hoped to find out why my book review of Indu Balachandran's We'll Be Right Back…The Oops and Downs of Advertising got rejected. I am at a loss." 

"You are not at a loss" said the genie with the Will Smith face.

"When you made your wish, I couldn't help notice you were working on your blog. You can always publish the review on your blog. You can also publish the rejection letter you received from Amazon on your blog. It's the next best thing. Indoo Baylorchandin will be happy you took the time and trouble to review her book, even if Amazon rejected it."

And so dear readers, that's the story of The Oops and Downs of Trying to Submit My Latest Amazon Book Review.

Heeding the advice of the genie who got me back home safely on the magic carpet, here's the review I wrote, followed by the rejection from Amazon.

Madvertising

I bought and read Don't Go Away, We'll Be Right Back and it was such a blast because it brought back memories of my past life as an advertising copywriter in India. Indu has cataloged all the oops and downs of ad agency life in India with humor and detail. I found myself squirming when my kind was described, because I was the quintessential copywriter, prickly to a fault and infamous for storming out of agencies. While Indu's book brought back memories of many embarrassing episodes of my advertising life, I can now laugh at these escapades since so much time has passed. Pick up your copy of Don't Go Away, We'll Be Right Back. It will not only trigger all kinds of crazy memories for you, but also, if anyone wants to know what your life in advertising was like in the 80s ,90s and Noughties, you will be equipped. Superb Job, Indu!

Here's what Amazon came back with (be warned, it's not quite as pithy as the 10 Commandments):

Thank you for submitting a customer review on Amazon. After carefully reviewing your submission, your review could not be posted to the website. While we appreciate your time and comments, reviews must adhere to the following guidelines:

Community Guidelines

Guidelines for Amazon.com Community participation.

Amazon.com wants your voice to be heard! The Amazon Community provides various features for engaging other users and sharing authentic feedback about products and services - positive or negative. These Community Guidelines help you use Community features, including Customer Reviews, Customer Questions & Answers, Amazon Follow, Profile pages, Outfit Compare, Style Check, Spark, Digital and Device Forums, Registries and Lists.

Note: These Guidelines do not apply to content included within products or services sold on Amazon, which are subject to separate policies.

We take the integrity of the Community seriously. Any attempt to manipulate Community content or features, including by contributing false, misleading, or inauthentic content, is strictly prohibited. If you violate our Guidelines, we may restrict your ability to use Community features, remove content, delist related products, or suspend or terminate your account. If we determine that an Amazon account has been used to engage in any form of misconduct, remittances and payments may be withheld or permanently forfeited. Misconduct may also violate state and federal laws, including the Federal Trade Commission Act, and can lead to legal action and civil and criminal penalties.

We encourage anyone who suspects that content manipulation is taking place or that our Guidelines are being violated in any way to notify us. We investigate concerns thoroughly and take any appropriate actions.

By accessing or using our Community features, you agree to our Conditions of Use and to abide by these Guidelines as modified from time to time. These Guidelines apply to any content (including text, images, video, and links) you submit to Amazon and actions you take (such as voting on helpfulness or smiling at a post) when using Community features. These Guidelines also apply to your interactions with other members of the Community.

Note: Additional guidelines apply to Customer Reviews.

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