It’s the concept of
“personhood”
Of being able to make our own
decisions and do things in our own best interest.
We all crave personhood.
We want to own our
decisions, our choices, our behaviors.
We want to be able to think
“yes, those are my thoughts” or “yes, I truly believe that”
We feel uncomfortable parroting
someone else’s thoughts and ideas, if we don’t believe in those thoughts and
ideas, or can’t relate to them.
The sense of being present to
ourselves is an important human need.
It underpins our sense of
achievement.
In fact, in every expression
of our success, and in everything we create, unless it’s an expression of what we want
to do and create, there will be something missing.
A sense of achievement
cannot be experienced second hand.
If we have successful
parents, our lives may boast wealth and power and prestige.
But we can never get a sense
of achievement from the success of our parents.
We will need to achieve our
own goals to experience a sense of achievement.
We should choose a goal we
are passionate about.
Our goal should uniquely excite
us.
One person will be excited
by music, another by film, another by sports, another by farming, another by building
cars, another by creating a new software program, another by cooking, another
by fashion.
Where we live, who we have
met, the words we have heard, the games we have played, the teachers who have
made an impression on us, the countries we have visited, the people we have
loved, the problems we have faced, and many more factors, will play a part in shaping
our unique passion or goal.
The goal will be unique to us,
our circumstances, our history, our interests and our personality.
And we should never let
anyone put a spoke between ourselves and our goal or passion.
We should stand up to the
people in our lives who want us to do something else.
Even when the pressure comes
from our own families.
If we do not have the courage
to, we may experience success, but it will be at the cost of our passion and
engagement.
Passion and engagement is
essential to living a full and authentic life.
We shouldn’t be afraid of
expressing our autonomy.
We shouldn’t be afraid of being considered uncooperative and
anti-social.
We shouldn’t be afraid of being thought of as misfits.
It is very easy to feel like a misfit.
All it takes is to be a liberal in a conservative family.
Or to be a conservative in a liberal family.
The
people around us may pathologize our choices.
Every
generation pathologizes everything their children choose to do – if it is
different from what they expect, or if it is different from what they would do
themselves - from their tastes in music to their tastes in dressing to their
tastes in entertainment, and more.
I
was guilty of this myself.
But
I gave up my Tiger Mom ways and Helicopter Mom ways and embraced the fact of “a new generation, a new expression”.
And
as soon as I did that, my relationship with my daughter went from negative to
positive.
And
I never looked back.
Our choices may carry the threat of being disowned and looked down on.
This may strike terror in our hearts.
We don't want to be looked down on; we want to be looked up to.
We are deathly afraid of being marginalized.
Only our integrity and fearlessness can lead us out of being captive
to these fears.
Do you envy those who have less to lose and are free to follow the
crowd or go away their own way?
They get tattoos and gauges in their ears; they say bold things about
religion and society; they never have to fear their actions will cause them to
lose their place in the world and all the support they have had, because they
don’t have it anyway.
Yes, it is going to be harder for some than others to make authentic
autonomous decisions.
You may be one of them.
But look to the lives of the famous saints like St. Francis of Assisi and
you will surely find your inspiration.
Parents - there are two ways for you to say “I love you” to your
child.
One way is to say “Happy
Birthday, Son or Daughter. Nothing but
the best for you” and then give them an Armani Suit or a Vera Wang dress.
The other way is to say, “I know
you have your heart set on doing X or being X. Go for it. It is a little hard
for me to stomach it, but I give you my approval”
Why stress your child by making them do something or be something that
goes against their grain?
What is stress after all – but compliance with rules and expectations
that go against our grain?
When I was in my early 20’s, I had a friend. She danced to her own
drummer; she dressed differently, she lived differently; she made different
choices. I used to say to her, “I think
you have been dropped on earth by extraterrestrials from another planet.”
My friend never did anything
against her grain. It made her stand out from everyone else.
Most people live a complaint
life. They are afraid to live a
non-compliant life.
But a compliant life can
never lead to true engagement.
Dancing to someone else’s
tune gets old and wearisome.
Daniel Pink says: “Control
leads to compliance; autonomy leads to engagement.”
If we want to
engage somebody, we should not try to control them, but give them freedom to
experiment and to do things on their own.
If we don’t, they will only follow orders. If they only follow orders, how can they do
anything new or create anything new?
We all need to feel useful and valuable and capable. This need can
only be fulfilled when we are allowed to make independent decisions and take
independent action.
If our every move has to be signed off on, we will quickly lose
motivation and just go through the motions.
Independent thought and independent action need not be unguided
thought and unguided action.
We stand to benefit from the guidance and advice of someone who is
more experienced and more capable.
But we don't need to be anyone's puppet.
Quick, think back on the jobs in which you grew and you thrived and in
which you experienced your greatest sense of achievement?
Autonomy would have had a big part to play in your success.
I know the reason I came up to speed so quickly as a Commissions
Analyst, was because I was given full autonomy very early in the game; in fact,
I was on my own after just 2 months into the job when my manager went out on
maternity leave and never returned.
More recently, on my White Hat Security assignment, thanks to being
given total autonomy and having an encouraging supporting manager, who always
had my back, I used my free time to research creative solutions on the internet
and was able to improve both the speed and accuracy with which White Hat
commissions were being administered.
Autonomy leads people to want to problem solve and to give the best of
themselves.
Whether we are talking about managing an employee, or whether we are
talking about parenting a child.
As soon as I started trusting my daughter Tanita and respecting her
choices, she started giving the best of herself.
As we become more autonomous, we go from being people pleasers and
approval seekers and image-makers and impression makers to being ourselves and making
honest life choices.
Our most important life choices are not a “lie” waiting for someone to pull the curtain
back on.
Our most important life choices are not a trap we allow ourselves to
get in to.
Colleen Long says, “The more I try to make others happier with
me, the less happy I am with myself.”
Indeed, our happiness is at stake when we allow others to dictate what
we should do and how we should do it.
Self-respect can only come from looking within and doing what we think
is right, not what somebody else tells us to do.
Howard Roark is the call to
leave behind the limited or circumscribed life that our parents and society may
have laid out for us and break through to an unlimited life where we can be who
we want to be and be all we want to be.
I will end this post with the lyrics of the song “My Way”, written by Paul Anka and made immortal by the voice of Frank Sinatra:
My Way
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exception.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exception.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!
As always thanks for reading and have a
great day and week…..M…..a Pearl Seeker like you. Thanks to Ajay and Abbas for showing their
appreciation for my last post The Element of the Human Spirit and Its Hope for Becoming an Unstoppable and Indefatigable Force and thanks to all the rest of you for your
votes. Much appreciated.
