The Element of Not Letting Our Ego Keep Us Locked on a Fruitless Course and Its Hope for Making Better Use of Our Energy and Time

How many times do we see it?

People doggedly pursue a goal - only because they think they’ve invested too much time, energy, money, and most important of all, “ego” to give it up.

Our ego can become a liability to us.

It may make us throw good money after bad.

It can make us take foolish risks, because we can't accept failure.

It may make us waste time and money - to show we are superior, or to send a message to the world, that nobody can get the better of us.

Whenever we spend wasteful time in a court of law,  it's our ego that can't give up.

Whenever we play tit for tat, 9 times out of 10, it's our ego that's calling the shots.

Whenever we get very angry - at being brooked or disobeyed, it's our ego that can't stomach the reality.

In all these situations, we become like a dog that sinks its teeth into someone’s pant leg, and will not let go.

It is very hard to let go, because we think we have to vindicate ourselves.

It doesn't take much for an ego game to start for us.

A game can begin, even in the most ordinary of situations.

Say, we tell someone, “please don’t publish a photo with me in it on Facebook”, but in spite of saying that, whoever we told that to, goes ahead and publishes a photo us us on Facebook, we might start bristling, and saying to ourselves, “I am so mad. I expressly told them not to do that.”

What a waste to lock our ego,on a wish like this - over which we have no control.

We have to remember what might be a big deal to us may not be a big deal to someone else. 

Most people won't not be able to understand why we are making such a big hoo-ha.

Our ego should never be locked on wishes connected with the behavior of others.

The people in our circle who are always late to events, will continue to be always late to events.

The time-servers will continue to be time servers.

The people who take advantage of our kindness, will continue to take advantage of our kindness

The people in our circle who flake on us, and ditch us at the last minute, will continue to flake on us, and ditch us at the last minute.

We should not let our ego become entangled with another human being’s behavior.

How do we know if our ego is in the driving seat, and our rational mind has been relegated to passenger status?

Easy....

If we spend an unreasonable amount of time, energy, or emotion on something, which in the grander scheme of things, does not matter, then we know we have given the controls to our ego.

Any little thing can cause this to happen.

For example, just say we lend someone something, say a book, and we say “This is my favorite book, treat it well and return it to me in good shape.” But the person who borrows it from us, loses it, or returns it in a dog-eared condition.

We may get very upset, and possibly freak out on them.

Can you see where I am going with this?

It is the original desire to control the other person’s behavior - which is at the root of how we feel.

We should be open to the infinite possibilities of human behavior.

The people who are open to the infinite possibilities of human behavior, suffer less, and cause less suffering. 

They are both compassionate and wise.

Their compassion and wisdom enables them to take other peoples mistakes and foibles in their stride.

Their compassion and wisdom enables them to hold back, even when someone wastes their time, money and effort.

Whenever I encounter such compassion and wisdom, I am very grateful.

Such as when I was given the gift of a haircut at an expensive salon for one of my birthdays. Here's the story....

I had a birthday coming up. 

A few weeks before my birthday, my friend Julia, whom  you met in my post The United States of Friendship Part 8, said to me…..“Minoo, I was thinking.  I really like the Los Gatos salon where I cut my hair.  As a birthday present, I would like to treat you to a haircut with my hairdresser.  I have spoken with my hairdresser, and you can go there any time convenient, and she will put your haircut on my tab.  Here is the address.”

And so a few days later, I made my way there.

Julia did not know that when it came to my appearance, I was a hard nut to crack.

Over the years, many well-meaning people had tried to get me to do something about my hair, or my shoes, or my handbag, but I was a lost cause, because I was really resistant to change.

So, in spite of being well aware,  I should try to get my money's worth, or rather, Julia's money's worth for the haircut, when the hair-dresser asked me what I wanted, I said “Oh, you can just trim it 2 inches.” “Keep the style?” she asked. “Yes, keep the style,” I answered.

The result was my hair looked no different than it did before the haircut.

Now most people would have freaked out at this - after all, it was an expensive salon, and the tab was high.

But my friend Julia is a compassionate, gentle, and wise soul.

She did not look at my hair, nor did she ask me about the haircut.

She had wanted to give me a haircut as a gift, she had done that, and that was that. There was nothing more to it.

I was amazed by her reaction, or should I say, “non-reaction.”

She could have easily got worked up about the waste of money.

But she didn't - I couldn't say I would have done the same in her place.

This is an example of being open to the infinite behavior possibilities of other human beings.

One of the hallmarks of maturity, is not letting our ego get locked on a fruitless course.

It is growing up to all the different kinds of human behaviors we will encounter.

It is also one of the hallmarks of wisdom.

Wisdom is knowing what situations to let go of, and what not to let go of.

Wisdom is also knowing when to let go.

If we are not getting anywhere with people behaving the way we want them to, we can express our dismay or disappointment a few times, but then, however legitimate our desires or wishes, we should let go.

Letting go of things, frees our mind to focus on other things which could make up happy, or benefit from our attention.

We should do this, not in a “too hell with it” attitude and frame of mind, but with compassion, and with the wisdom and understanding, that different people behave differently, because we are all souls at different stages of our development.

Not letting go makes a good story and good press.

In the best action and adventure stories, someone is hell-bent on vanquishing their nemesis.

But we should leave this kind of action to the super-heroes in the movies we watch.

It is not worth it to get caught up in this kind of thing, anywhere – whether at work, or in our personal lives.

Take for example, picking on someone at work - whom we are determined “to beat”, whose success we secretly resent, whose status, position or favor, we think is undeserved.

Making it our goal to get one-up on that person is not a sensible endeavor, because the very reason for their success might be their personality, or attitude, things you may not be able to compete on.

Similarly, in a personal situation, when we express our thoughts or wishes to someone, we should not let our ego get locked on the words we have said.

Say, a teen asks dad for something, and dad says no.  So the teen goes to mum, and mum says yes, it’s okay by her for the teen to go ahead with what he wants.

This may set off an immediate internal rage in dad  - that soon becomes an external rage.

“How dare they do that? Doesn't my “no” mean something?”

Again, this is an example of trying to control someone else’s behavior, in this case, two people’s behavior, both the child's behavior and the spouse's behavior.

If people, even children, have options other than your word and approval, they will use those options.

Often when our ego is in charge, we forget about our values and principles.

Ego is pure emotion, without moral content.

Further ego doesn’t know how to let go.

Only our rational mind knows how to let go.

There are better ways of dealing with behaviors that are against our wishes and expectations, than ranting and raving.

Even typecasting someone is better than ranting and raving.

Irritated because your child flits from career to career, never settling down? Ask yourself, whether he or she could be one of those Boom Wranglers (a label for people like that which I came across in the book by Po Bronson, What Should I do With My Life).

Become an observer of people, and a psychologist, so you can understand people better and relate to them better. It will cause you less stress.

Inner change is more effective than outer tactics, when it comes to dealing with the infinite possibilities of human behavior

It is the only thing we have any real control over, anyway.

The Serenity Prayer is worth revisiting in situations, where other people’s behavior confounds us.

“God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Wisdom asks of us to risk our pride and image, and accept our failures and defeats.

We should not let another minute of another day go by, locking our ego on a fruitless course of behavior triggered by someone's behavior or position.

We should say to ourselves, “I have been foolish about the way I’ve dealt with these kinds of things so far.  I will be sensible dealing with them going forward. I will not let my ego get the better of me.”

Even when we are treated disrespectfully, instead of a personal vendetta, we can use the experience to work toward a bigger, higher cause.

This is what Mahatma Gandhi did.

Forcibly removed from a whites-only carriage, when he was riding on a train in S. Africa, he mobilized the Indians in S. Africa to fight for their political rights. 

His actions were deliberate and thought out.

He didn’t act impulsively or emotionally, in the spur of the moment.

We should take time to develop our intentions.

It is unproductive to act impulsively, or emotionally.

The minute we take an unproductive stance, we should become aware of it, so we can stop ourselves in our tracks.

Recently I read a story about a famous actress.

She was riding home with her husband from a party in the wee hours of the morning.

The police stopped their car, ordered the husband out of the car, and asked him to take a breathalyzer test.

The test showed his alcohol levels to be above the limit, so they told him he had broken the law and would have to go down to the station with them.

This caused the actress to get very angry.

She jumped out of the car and started shouting at the police.

She said her husband was not drunk, and they had no business arresting him.

When her words fell on deaf ears, she started shouting, “Do you know who I am?  How dare you do this?”

The police ordered her back into the car, saying “Maam, please get back in the car, or we will be forced to arrest you for obstructing justice.”

The actress’s ego had clearly got her into an unproductive stance.

Any of us reading the story can see that.

We should not let ego-aroused emotions get the better of us.

When we learn to make decisions - without our ego in charge, we will start making better use of our time.

And what’s more important than making better use of our time.

Time is precious, and it is even more precious to those of us who are getting older.

I will end with this quote by Daniel Goleman: “If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M…..a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay and Mangesh for their comments and compliments on my 4^th of July post….and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, pins and votes. Much appreciated.

The Element of Independence and Its Hope for Becoming All We Are Meant to Be

Once upon a time there was a 17 year old Vietnamese girl. She lived happily with her mother, father, brothers and sisters in South Vietnam. She was the youngest of several siblings.

After the Fall of Saigon to the North Vietnamese communists, it became unsafe for her family to remain in South Vietnam. Her family made plans to get out of South Vietnam before it was too late.

Through an agent - who was helping people escape in exchange for money - her father was put in touch with an Indo-Vietnamese family, headed by a Vietnamese man married to an Indian lady. This couple was getting ready to leave Vietnam and go back to India. They had two young sons of marriageable age.

The family agreed for one of their sons to participate in a fake marriage with the young Vietnamese girl, and to take her back with them to India. As soon as the marriage was conducted, they would fly to India along with the girl.  Once she reached India, it was hoped the girl might be able to make her way to France from India, since she was fluent in French. They would keep her in their home, until she was ready to go to France.

And so, with great fear – and secrecy - on all sides, the marriage was conducted, and soon after, the tickets were booked for their flight to India.

There were several tense moments in the days leading up to the departure. 

The night before the flight, the paid agent who had made the arrangement, came to the girl’s house to demand more money from her father for the deal.  The girl opened the door to him. The agent told her he wanted more money, and he threatened to blow the whistle on her family, if they did not give him more money. He said the girl would never ever be able to leave Vietnam, and the family would be in trouble. My friend (yes, this young Vietnamese girl is now my friend) was a courageous young girl, who was ready to risk  a fake marriage, and travel to a country she did not know anything about, for freedom, and her future.  She would not let the agent's threats intimidate her.  She told him:  “You will not get any more money from my father.  Go ahead and blow the whistle, if you want.  My father has money, and connections, we will be able to get our way out of this.  You, on the other hand, will be severely punished for your part in this scam by the new regime, if it becomes known.” The man thought better than to press his luck, and backed off.

The girl and her new Indo-Vietnamese family experienced another tense moment, just before the flight was about to take off, when they heard an announcement the police were coming on board to check all their papers.  As the police walked down the aircraft aisle, looking at each passenger’s papers, my friend and her rescuers sat in terror, fearing the police would see through their pretense and arrest them. The tension went through the roof, when the people in the seats in front of them were ordered off the aircraft by the police. When the police came to their row and asked for their papers, my friend’s heart was pounding so loudly, she thought it would jump out of her chest.  However, the police looked at her papers, looked at her, and her fake husband, and moved on. The flight took off, and a day later, my friend was in Chennai, which was the Indian city her mother-in-law was originally from.

Living with a family she had just met, in  a country  strange and unfamiliar to her, knowing only French and Vietnamese, my friend still knew she had been given something more important than any of the discomforts she was experiencing……she had been given freedom.

She made the most of this freedom by adapting to her circumstances.  She learned to eat Indian food.  She helped her mother-in-law around the house. She hopped on to buses and got to know the city of Chennai. She went to the Alliance Francaise, and made friends with as many French expats as she could. When word got around, a young Vietnamese refugee, fluent in French, was looking to earn some money, she was signed up by several wealthy and influential people to give French lessons to their children, or themselves.  Eventually, after two years of living in Chennai, some of her French friends helped her secure her passage to France, so the fake marriage was dissolved and she flew to France, where she would live for the next 8 years.  She would then meet her future husband, a young American Vietnamese man, visiting his aunt in Paris.  He would marry her and bring her to America.

This is my friend’s story.  It is the story of what people have gone through for the sake of freedom.

Freedom is what was celebrated all across America yesterday, the Fourth of July.

We celebrated it with a barbecue at Rosie and Mohammed’s farm. Pete brought his Chinese roasting box, La Caja China, which has an interesting history - it was invented in Cuba during the Fidel Castro era, when money was scarce, and people needed to find a cheaper way to cook.

Independence, freedom, self-government, self-rule, home rule, separation, self-determination, sovereignty, autonomy, liberty  - whatever name we call it , it is so important to us, we may be prepared to give up everything for it….even leave our family, our friends and our lives behind, like my friend did.

There are many stories like my friend’s story.

Emilio Estefan’s story is one such story.

He, like my friend, left his country for freedom.

In The Rhythm of Success, a book about how to succeed, Emilio tells us the fascinating story of how he and his family left Cuba and came to America. He first went to Spain and lived for two years in a shelter, till his Aunt and Uncle were able to save up enough money to buy him a ticket to America.  He worked for the Bacardi company in Florida, going to school at nights, and doing music gigs on the weekend - until he had acquired enough money, courage and confidence to strike out on his own.

The Rhythm of Success is a very inspirational book for anyone who immigrates to America, because its message is that freedom doesn’t have to come at the cost of being who you are.  Emilio’s success is testimony to that. He has built his entire success on his Cuban heritage – his music, his music publishing and other media businesses, his hotels, and his restaurants.

If we have a unique heritage, we can build on that heritage.  That’s the message of Emilio Estefan’s book, which is also an extremely inspirational book for budding entrepreneurs.

There is a new restaurant in the Bay Area called Bombay to Goa.  The cuisine of this restaurant celebrates a unique heritage – the food of the people who live on the coasts of Bombay and Goa.

It is an example of building on one’s heritage.

“But Minoo”, you may say, “there is nothing unique about me”.  There is nothing special for me to build on.

To which I say, yes, there is.  You just have to figure it out. Read my post How To Become More Unique – it may trigger some thoughts.

Whether we decide to leave a country, as Emilio Estefan or my friend Helen did, or we decide to leave a relationship, or we decide to leave a job, our decision will usually be based, on a desire for self-respect, or a desire for freedom.

The status quo is the status quo. We should not squander our time complaining about it.  We should either do what is in our power to change the status quo, or we should find our way to freedom.

Did Mahatma Gandhi complain about the status quo? No! He took steps to change the status quo, and to lead India to freedom.

Independence. Freedom.  These 2 words are used interchangeably.

It is no accident.

We cannot be completely free without independence.

When we are dependent, we are at the mercy of someone else.

They can say to us, “you can’t do this under my roof” or “these are our rules”.

We are at the mercy of them saying “yes” or “no” when we go to them and ask them for something.  It is not in our control.

Being independent means we do not have to be at any one’s mercy, and follow anyone's rules.

It is not that we don’t want to follow rules.

Wanting independence does not mean we want to be irresponsible.

We just want to make our own choices, and be responsible for them.

The desire to be independent is one of the greatest motivations in life.

Because we don’t want to be dependent, we are motivated to look after our health, get an education, learn to drive, find a place to live, find a way to get around, apply ourselves to a job, and become financially independent.

Independence is the first motivation for every young adult.

Being competitive, or living artfully, only comes later.

Independence is an attractive quality in people.

When we are independent, people are drawn to us, because we will have some knowledge or guidance to give out.

On the other hand, when we are dependent, people will avoid us, because they know we will need something from them, sooner or later.

Independence does not mean being uninvolved in other people’s lives.

Many independent people achieve a lot, and by achieving a lot, are able to help other people.

Independence is learning to do as many things as possible, ourselves.

The more things we learn to do ourselves, the more freedom we will have.

Recently, my daughter Tanita made two international trips on her own.

She flew by herself, and spent some time by herself, on both trips.

She told me she enjoyed herself.

I was so happy for her –it is wonderful to be able to enjoy traveling on your own – just like the famous explorers did.

In order to become independent, we also have to learn to make decisions on our own.  Though we may consult others, ultimately we should make own decisions, and also own them. Independent people never blame others for their decisions.

Any move that allows people to be independent, and independent for as long as possible, is a good move; an example would be people using health monitors and in-home help to stay longer in their homes; or people using mobility scooters to get around.

We must encourage independence in others; dependence, while it may help in a material way, does not contain any psychic rewards, in fact, dependence is likely to make us feel bad about our situation, and keep us down in the dumps. A temporary leg-up is fine, but dependence should never be a lifelong condition.

People are most proud of the things they do independently. All through my life, I have seen the most pride and satisfaction on people’s faces, when they are showing me their own handiwork; their drawings, their paintings, songs they have composed, articles they have written, plants they have grown, dishes they have cooked, things they have made by themselves.

We should all try to make something that is our own handiwork.

The things we do ourselves give us the greatest satisfaction.

We will experience several personal independence days in our lives.

The day we get our first paycheck is one of them.

The day we are able to do something alone, we previously needed someone’s help to do, is another.

The day we learn to drive, the day we learn to cook for ourselves.

The day we are completely on our feet.

The day I set up Purple Patch - my creative consultancy - was a personal independence day for me.

So was the day I decided to be an independent Commissions Consultant.

Independence is having faith you can strike out on a new course, and still be able to provide for yourself.

Quit is a word which often precedes independence.

We have to quit something in order to become independent.

For each one, what we quit will be different.

For my friend, it was her life in South Vietnam, for Emilio Estefan it was his life in Santiago de Cuba.

For me, it was all those jobs I quit – each one taking me one step closer to being independent.  Also leaving India and coming to America, which forced me to learn to cook, drive, clean, reinvent my career and solve problems, on my own.

There is a caveat to seeking freedom.

We have to handle freedom responsibly.

If we don’t, we will lose our freedom.

By becoming a Commissions Consultant, I gave myself the flexibility to choose between time and money.

I like the fact I am able to take on assignments, as and when I want to.

Of course, I have to handle this freedom responsibly.

I have to protect my reputation, so I continue to get assignments.

This means I have to work as hard, as any paid employee, and even harder.

I try to keep my attitude positive, and I try to make my work habits and ethics commend me.

Who would hire me if I had a negative attitude, and bad work habits?

Yes, we should enjoy our freedom responsibly.

When we enjoy our freedom responsibly, we will go from strength to strength, and new opportunities - and freedoms - will arise every day.

Hurrah to that! Hope you had a wonderful Fourth of July.

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day. M……a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay for his compliments on my last post, and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, pins and votes….much appreciated!