Who Is Your Biggest Friend?

If you answered with the name of a person, it is the wrong answer.

Your biggest friends should be the following:

Knowledge

Skills

Action

Discipline

Values

Wisdom

You might be appalled by my suggestion that your best friends are not who you think they are, but things like knowledge, skills, action, discipline, values, and wisdom.

You might be saying to yourself, Minoo, how can anyone take the place of my friends?

Are you trying to suggest my friends are replaceable?

No, of course not.

I, as much as anyone else, know friends are irreplaceable.

In fact, I have dedicated a whole series of posts to friends, two of which are here and here.

Friends are important to us.

In fact, supportive and genuine friends may be critical to our well-being.

I am just saying that while your friends are your friends, as supportive and genuine as they are, and though you may learn some valuable lessons from them, your biggest friends are Knowledge, Skills, Action, Discipline, Values, and Wisdom.

And the reason I say this, is because they can do for you (and me, for that matter), what no friends can do.

What a Friend Can Do

Let's look at what a friend can do…

Want someone to share experiences with?

The answer is a friend.

Want someone you can be yourself with?

The answer is a friend.

Want someone who will give you a shoulder to cry on, or someone you can safely vent to?

The answer is a friend.

Want someone you can turn to for advice on a personal issue?

The answer is a friend.

Want someone you can bounce ideas off?

The answer is a friend.

Want someone who can make everything - from a night at a restaurant, to a visit to church, to a walk, to a trip, to a dinner conversation, to a milestone event - richer, better, and more memorable?

The answer is a friend.

Want someone you can turn to in small crises, such as getting towed, and needing to pick up your car from the towing storage place, or to pick up your child from school, because you are stuck at work?

The answer is a friend, though not always.  Sometimes you may have to take a taxi or Uber, or find an alternative solution, if you ask a friend and they tell you they are sorry, they are busy.

What a Friend Can’t Do

Now let's look at what a friend can't do…

With rare exceptions, a friend can't get you a job, or paying work.

Only your own knowledge and skills - and the experience you pick up using your knowledge and skills - can get you a job, or paying work.

With rare exceptions, a friend can't make sure you earn a sufficient income to support your current and future lifestyle.

Only you can earn a sufficient income to support your current and future lifestyle - by selecting the right knowledge and skills to acquire, and applying them in the right way.

A friend can't make sure you progress in your career.

Only you can do that, by going from job to job, taking on new challenges, and acquiring new skills and competencies.

A friend can't make sure your health improves.

Only you can do that, by eating right, exercising right, sleeping right, using tools to keep you on track.

A friend can't force you to be disciplined.

You have to choose to discipline yourself.

A friend can't dig you out of a hole.

Only you can dig yourself out of a hole.

A friend can’t make you have a good work ethic.

Your friends might be great models of a good work ethic.

But because you can't see what they do at work, you will have to develop and practice a good work ethic yourself.

And when it comes to wisdom, each one arrives at wisdom in their own way, depending on their experiences, and reflections on their experiences.

So, while a friend can share their wisdom with you, they can’t magically transfer any of their wisdom to you.

You will have to develop wisdom all on your own.

Wisdom is crucial, because it makes you want the right things for your life, have the right thoughts for your life, respond with the right thoughts and emotions for your life, and follow up with the right actions for your life.

That's why wisdom has a place on the list of the "biggest friends" you should make.

Here are some additional thoughts I have to share, regarding the 6 friends I have listed:

Knowledge

Skills

Action

Discipline

Values

Wisdom

Knowledge

To gain knowledge, you don't have to necessarily go to college and get a degree.

While that may be necessary for some professions, and for some spheres of life, it is not necessary in all professions and in all spheres of life.

Self-study, practice, and training alongside a person with the necessary experience, or a mentor, are viable ways to acquire knowledge.

Skills

Skills are important.  It is being able to say, "I can do X, I can do Y, I can do Z", if X, Y and Z are what is required to maximize your potential in a job.

As long as a skill is missing, say you can do X and Y, but not Z, there is a gap.

This gap must be plugged, either through formal or informal learning. In some cases, certification may be necessary.

Action

Whatever the method of acquiring knowledge and skills, whether formal or informal, knowledge and skills are not sufficient in themselves.

Action is required.

Action is finding a position or role where you can use the full potential of your knowledge and skills.

The actions that are required to acquire knowledge and skills (attending classes, doing homework,  acing quizzes, studying for your tests and exams, getting good grades) and the actions that are required to find a position or role where you can use the full potential of your knowledge and skills are different.

It is about searching for those positions and roles, networking, applying, interviewing, and continuously tweaking and refining every part of this process.

There is no external set of criteria to determine success.

You are the one who sets the bar, and decides what success looks like.

Success may be getting a response to 1 out of every 50 applications, even if it doesn’t convert to a job.

You can either satisfy yourself with the process, or satisfy yourself with the results.

If you need help with the process and the results, working with a paid job coach might be the answer.

Discipline

Discipline is the least sexy of the friends.

Self-control is the chief element.

You should turn up for everything in your life, fully prepared, fully present, and fully able to engage, and be valuable.

Eating properly, sleeping properly, getting enough exercise are all part of it.

Doing your homework is a part of it.

You shouldn't turn up to a meeting with a badly prepared presentation, no more than you should turn up to a wedding with a badly prepared toast.

Discipline is where many people fail.

I am sure we can all think of people who are gifted and have talent, knowledge and skills, but do not have the discipline to use what they are so abundantly blessed with.

It is unfortunate.

Values and Wisdom

Ultimately with knowledge and skills as the base, it is action and discipline, accompanied by values and wisdom, that leads to personal and professional success.

You apply action and discipline to use your knowledge and skills to get things done.

You use values and wisdom to choose the right things to get done, and to choose the right methods and the right attitude to get things done.

When you are pulled in different directions, it is your values and wisdom, which will help you figure out what’s important, and what is right.

As your responsibilities and powers increase, it is your values and wisdom that will keep you from becoming egocentric.

It is your values and wisdom which help you to choose what to prioritize, so you don't miss what can never come again. (Example: your child's 2nd grade play, which can never come again).

Your values and wisdom should guide everything - your choices, your actions, your communication.

Your communication should be open, humble, thoughtful, kind, and non-manipulative.

Derisive communication that ignores the differences between people, shuts down communication.

Manipulative communication erodes trust.

Above all, your values and wisdom should equip you to look past the imperfections of other people, and to approach all situations, even those that give you a punch in the gut, with compassion, curiosity, humility, and gratitude.

What should I be grateful for, Minoo?

For the learning embedded in every experience.

Every negative experience is a growth opportunity.

And a repeated negative experience is just an ignored growth opportunity.

So, as you develop your friendships with the six friends listed in this post, here is a summary of the key points:

Knowledge and skills are important, but knowledge and skills are not enough.

Action must be taken.

And knowledge, skills, and action are not enough.

Discipline is important.

You must be disciplined.

And with all of that taken care of, you are still missing the two most important friends.

Values and wisdom.

Values and wisdom, when added to knowledge, skills, action and discipline, will take you the furthest.

It is my belief they will take you so far, you may not even be able to see the horizon of where you can reach.

Now which of these friendships do you need to develop and refine? More importantly, which of these friendships would you like to develop and refine?

I will leave you with that important thought today.

Before I end this post, Happy Father’s Day to all the Fathers out there.