The Element of Expectancy vs Expectations and Its Hope For Less Misunderstandings and Frustration

In my post The Element of Believing in Someone and Its Hope for Helping them Move Mountains, I told you about the support I got from my friend Mariam when I started my company Purple Patch.

It included the offer of help from Debbie who was Mariam's secretary, for my typing and other secretarial work, whenever Mariam was away on business travel.

I was very grateful for this offer and lost no time in putting it to use.

Debbie was a welcome resource and I found a lot for her to do.

I even had Debbie call my clients when they owed me a payment - as I mention in the same post. 

But let's look at this from Debbie's side for a moment.

She had been hired by Mariam to work for Mariam.

Suddenly along came the request she was to help an additional person.

This additional person was not even in the same company.

Debbie could easily have been put off.

I am sure she wasn't expecting the extra work.

But she took it on cheerfully.

How many of us would be able to do that?

To roll with the punches even when things do not go our way.

When things do not go your way, do you have a tendency to lose it?

Once upon a time I was that way too.

I was subject to amygdala hijacks because I operated under the notion that everything had to go my way.

Of course, I was only setting myself up for disappointment.

People did not behave the way I expected.

Things I thought were a given turned out not to be a given.

Situations I thought could never happen happened.

For instance, I learned the hard way that bad health can strike someone leading a perfect life, someone eating all the right things, exercising, getting the right amount of relaxation and sleep, someone seemingly without a care in the world.

It was only when I came to the realization I should not bet my happiness on my expectations, I stopped being so wound up and so hyper-reactive to situations.

Life is unpredictable.

If we become a low-maintenance person and dial down our expectations, we will be able to better cope with this unpredictability, and to see things in a non self-focused way.

I came across this quote, "Know that everything is in perfect order, whether you understand it or not.” 

Indeed, when things don't go our way, we can't understand it, but there often is a silver lining and a larger perspective.

We will be able to appreciate this silver lining and this larger perspective, only when the clouds of disappointment and anger have evaporated.

Laura Ingalls Wilder said, "Persons appear to us according to the light we throw upon them from our own minds."

When I stopped being full of expectations, I began to see everyone in a new light, or should I say in a true light. My thinking was not distorted by my opinions, expectations and disappointments.

I was able to relate to these words from author Donald Miller, who said, “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” 

My relationship with my daughter improved. 

I realized it was natural for her, as an adult self-aware human being to individuate herself from her parents and make her own choices.  I realized I had to respect these choices, even though some of these choices were difficult to accept, or to relate to. 

"But, Minoo", you may say to me, "If we don’t have expectations, wouldn’t it just mean we are cynical, or we have given up hope, or we don’t have any standards, or we are setting ourselves up to let people walk all over us, or we are setting our child up to go astray and have a sub-par future?"

Aha…..I am getting to that.

What each one of us needs to do is to replace expectations with expectancy.

Expectancy is totally different from expectations.

It is approaching every situation with a positive attitude, giving it our best, having faith, and a hopeful heart, but letting go of the outcome, understanding people will do what they want to do, and the cards will fall where they will, and we cannot control or predict anything. It is not in our power.

Sometimes there will be surprises to the positive side, oh yes there will be.

Sometimes there will be surprises to the negative side, oh yes there will be.

But even when disappointments happen, when something we are counting on or hoping for does not materialize, or something discomfiting happens, we need to remember it is not the end of the world, and tomorrow is a new day which will bring new hope and new possibilities.

We all need to wear the imaginary ring I told you about in my post The Element of Affirmation and its Hope for Believing in Ourselves to remind ourselves of this.

When we are disappointed, and the disappointment involves being let down by someone, rather than lose a valuable relationship, we need to understand people do not exist just to conform to our expectations.

A personal story comes to mind from the days when I was living in my husband's house in India.

Here's the story...

The Gold Chain

When I got married, I moved into the home where my husband lived with his brother and his dad.

Working for them was Pushpa, their maid, who had been with the family for a long time.

I knew Pushpa from before I got married, because she had been doing part time housecleaning and cooking for me at my bachelorette pad.

Like all maids in India at the time, Pushpa was poor and lived a hard-scrabble life.  Her home was a thatched hut in a slum, and everything - from food to clothes to medicines, to keeping her hut from collapsing when it rained - was a challenge.

Pushpa's pay wasn't sufficient for all her expenses, so she would ask my father-in-law for additional money during the month.

When my husband came home from work, my father in law would say to him, "Pushpa needs x rupees for medicine.  Can you give me that to give to her."

I felt sorry for Pushpa and decided to reach out to her secretly.

When she and I were alone, I said to her, "Pushpa, I would like to give you some additional money on the side, so you don't have to ask Sir (my father in law) for money every other week.  This can be just between you and me – Sir or Rakesh or Shreekant needn’t know about it. Can you tell me an amount that would be helpful for you to get."

Now Pushpa was not a greedy soul, and she didn't know what amount to propose. She shyly replied, "I don't know Ma". So I made the decision for both of us. I said, "I'll tell you what.  You are getting 2000 rupees every month from Sir. How about I give you another 2000 rupees? Here, take this." And with that, I gave Pushpa 2000 rupees, effectively doubling her pay. (I was earning a good income and I can assure you this was not financially difficult for me at all, so please don't think I was anyone great for doing this.)

A month went by.

One day, my husband and me arrived home from work together.  As we entered the door, my father in law said, "Ah, Shreekant…..can you give me 400 rupees to give to Pushpa for medicine."

I felt a flash of anger. I had expected that once Pushpa started getting the extra 2000 rupees from me, she would stop asking my father-in-law for money during the month.

“How dare she ask for this money after I have doubled her pay!” I thought to myself. 

Of course I couldn't talk to anyone about this, since I was giving her the money in secret.

At the first opportunity I could get her alone, I confronted her about it, "Why are you still asking Sir for extra money?  I doubled your pay.  You should not be needing to ask for 300 rupees here, 300 rupees there anymore."

She looked embarrassed and never replied.  I felt a great need to solve the situation once in for all, thinking mightily of my powers to do so.  "Ok, I will tell you what, Pushpa," I said, "I will give you 3000 rupees instead of 2000 rupees every month secretly from my own pocket.  This should cover you for anything and everything that comes up during the month. Agreed?"

She nodded her head and I handed her an additional 1000 rupees which she gratefully accepted.

A month went by.

And, oh no.

Yes, you guessed right.

I hear my father in law say to my husband, "Ah, Shreekant…..give me 400 rupees to give to Pushpa. She needs to buy something for her family."

It was like waving a red flag to a bull.

I had expected that the extra 3000 rupees would have put a full stop to this.

I could not understand what was going on.

Things were not going as planned.

Though Pushpa was getting two and a half times her pay, nothing had changed. She was still asking for extra money, as if the extra 3000 rupees did not exist.

I couldn't wait for her to come in to work the next day to tackle her.

As soon as she got in, and I got her alone, I demanded an answer.  "Pushpa, your pay is two and a half times what it used to be.  Whatever are you spending the extra money on?"

I was taken aback when she sheepishly pointed to a thin gold chain round her neck.

She explained.....

Apparently she had always wanted a gold chain, but could never afford  to buy one.   

When I started giving her the extra 3000 every month, she was able to enroll in a chit fund and take out a loan to buy a gold chain.

Now she was using the money I was giving her every month to pay the loan off.

All the extra money was going to pay off the debt she had incurred to buy the gold chain, and none of it to improve her everyday life.

Which was why she still had to ask for 300 rupees here and 300 rupees there.

I was horribly upset.

There was nothing I could do and my hands were tied.

I had expected to improve Pushpa's lot in life, but she was at square one, struggling to keep body and soul together, except she now had a gold chain she was really happy and proud to possess which I had made possible.

Because of my expectations, it took me several years to come to terms with this.

During that time, I continued to be an expectations monster with regards to anything and everything. Eventually Pushpa left the job just because of my nagging and demands.

Now when I look back, I realize kindness is superior to generosity, and expectations can weary even the most forbearing soul.

Also, as I grew in wisdom, my thoughts about the gold chain changed.

It is human to have needs beyond food, clothing and shelter.

Even someone in tough circumstances may prefer the beauty and pride of a gold chain to a marginal improvement in comfort.

Today, I completely empathize with Pushpa's decision to buy the gold chain.

How I wish I could turn back the clock so I could have shown more understanding at the time.

How I wish I could be like my friend Julia, who has amazed me on several different occasions with her ability to give with expectancy rather than expectations. 

I still remember the "birthday haircut".

The Birthday Haircut

In my post How to Become More Unique, I told you how bad I am when it comes to my appearance.

People around me often have to give me nudges - to cut my hair, or to throw away a worn sweater, or to replace my shoes or handbag. 

(Oh the stories I can tell you about my reluctance to replace worn shoes and handbags). 

Some will come right out and say, "Minoo, you need to cut your hair." or "Minoo, I am going to buy you a new handbag." I am used to this.

But Julia's way has always been different.

Once, when I had let my hair grow long and unruly, Julia said, "Minoo, I was thinking.  You have a birthday this month.  Would you be interested in getting your haircut by my stylist.  She is really good.  You can tell her exactly what you want.  If you are interested, I will speak to her.  You can then just go there and she will cut your hair and we can put it on my tab. Let me know and I will speak to her." 

"Sure," I said.

So off I went to Julia's pricey Los Gatos salon. But when the stylist asked me what I wanted done to my hair, I said "maybe trim it an inch".

"Leave everything else just the same?" the stylist asked me.   

"Yes," I answered, effectively defeating the purpose of the visit.

So when Julia saw me after a week, it  was as if there was no change.  My hair looked the same as ever. But Julia didn't say anything.  She didn't even ask me if I went for the haircut.

She had given me the gift with hope but without expectations, so there was nothing more to be said.

Expectancy vs expectations

That is the difference.

We all need to make the shift.

Then we can stay positive and hopeful, even when things don't go as planned.

And our disappointments will never threaten our relationships.

A disappointment will lead to broken bonds, only if we let it.

For example – we may give someone a gift.  Say we notice they need a car. We think if they have a car, it might improve their job prospects. So we donate a used car to them. Only to find out later they sold the car and used the money to splurge on a vacation or something like that.

We must be prepared to let go of the situation.  

With anything we give – once it is out of our hands, it is not ours to decide how it will be utilized.   

We can hope it will be used thoughtfully and sensibly as I did with the money I gave Pushpa, but it is really not in our control.

There is no point in creating a showdown out of it: "I gave you the car so you could find a job. Now look what you have done - you've blown the money and have nothing to show for it."

It's easy to make ourselves miserable by wallowing in regret.  In this kind of situation, we might wish we had never given the car and it may eat us up.

We should never let other people's choices eat us up.

Disappointment is a liability, acceptance is wealth. 

And you can only get to that wealth by replacing expectations with expectancy.

I will end with this quote from Michael J Fox...."My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations."

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/expectations.html#GAgyomXmuYg5Mywt.99

Thank you, Michael.  I couldn't agree more!

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week…..M ……a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay, Ananda,David, Elaine, Jacinta, Patty, Rosie and Subhakar for their comments on Facebook, and thanks to the rest of you for your votes. Much appreciated.