The Element of Knowing We are Perfect Even With Our Imperfections and Its Hope for Being Free to Be Ourselves

 Once upon a time there was a girl.

She looked around her and decided she needed to be certain things in order to feel worthwhile.

“I need to be stylish” she said to herself.

“I need to be thin.”

“I need to be funny.”

“I need to be clever.”

“I need to be thrilling.”

“I need to be original.”

“I need to be successful.”

“I need to be rich.”

The girl threw herself hither and tither in many different directions in order to be all of these things.

She tried many different diets and exercise programs.

She read joke books.

She studied the dictionary and practiced IQ tests.

She thought of clever things to say.

She worked hard to improve her skills.

She changed jobs and rose up the ladder.

She read relationship books and parenting books.

She developed her tastes in music and literature and the good things in life.

She left no stone unturned.

But whatever the girl did, satisfaction and fulfillment was just out of her reach.

When she asked herself, “am I stylish enough?” the answer was no.

When she asked herself, “am I successful enough?” the answer was no.

When she asked herself, “am I rich enough?” the answer was no.

When she asked herself, “am I a good enough mother and a good enough spouse?” the answer was no.

The girl found that in spite of how far she had come and all she had achieved, there were many things missing from her life.

Happiness was missing - she was easily dejected.

Fulfillment was missing - her victories felt empty.

Self-control was missing - she would lose it at the drop of a hat.

Peace was missing - she felt stressed and anxious most of the time.

Energy was missing - she didn't have enthusiasm or passion for anything.

Security was missing - she felt dread and anxiety when she thought about the future.

Above, all she felt trapped in an endless cycle of keeping up - with the job, with the bills, with the house, with being a good mother, a good employee, a good spouse, and above all, her image.

Then one day, the girl woke up.

She realized she had been borrowing other people's ideas of a worthwhile life.

She realized energy, peace, equanimity, self-control and security was what she wanted most and it would not come from pursuing wealth, approval, status or conformity.

She realized being at peace and living a harmonious life was more important than being stylish, rich, clever or successful, or fitting in with the crowd.

She decided to go her own way.

Immediately, a weight was lifted off of her.

She was free to do all the things she wanted to do without any false ideal or standard to conform to.

She could go to work and focus on doing a good job, not getting ahead.

She could have a conversation with people and not worry about whether she was coming across as uninformed or uncultured.

She could meet people and not fret about her appearance.

She could be who she was and make the decisions she wanted to and not worry about being judged.

She could focus on meaning and authenticity rather than impression and image in all her interactions.

Do you want to be like that? Raise your hand, if you do.

How do you do that?

You do that by waking up from trying to be Ms. Perfect living the “perfect life”.

Perfection is the enemy of our peace, our equanimity, and our tranquility.

If we let it raise its head, it can make us feel miserable about everything we do and all areas of our life.

And it will keep our wheels stuck in the sand.

If I aimed for perfection every time I sat down to write a post, I would never get it off the ground.

I would ask myself -

“Is this funny enough?”

“Is this clever enough?”

“Is this thrilling enough?”

“Is this special enough?”

“Is this original enough?”

“Does it have enough witticisms?”

Of course, the answer would be no.

I am not good with jokes.

My thoughts are rarely original.

And I can't come up with a witticism to save my life.

So I would spend oodles of time trying to compensate by perfecting a sentence here, or a phrase there.

And all I would be doing by that is spinning my wheels, indulging in what Joseph Sestito, author of Write for Your Lives, calls “self-cherishing”.

Self-cherishing is focusing on the impression we want to make rather than the ideas we want to communicate.

When I was an advertising copywriter, I would indulge in plenty of self-cherishing.

Sometimes it would paralyze me.

One of the Creative Directors of Contract Advertising used to say to me, "Minoo, remember the spelling of perfectionism is PARALYSIS".

Perfection is a futile, and sometimes even dangerous goal.

Drew Barrymore says, “When things are perfect, that's when you need to worry most.”

Indeed, everything looked so perfect a few years before the housing crash. Houses were going up and up in value. Loans were aplenty. Everyone who was anyone could buy multiple homes.

Of course we now know it was “the perfect storm.”

Brene Brown says “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

We try to find the bumps and lumps in our lives and to excise them.

We may spend our whole lives trying to please perfectionist parents or perfectionist bosses or partners, or trying to conform to an imaginary perfectionist standard.

We can want a perfect world and a perfect day and a perfect week and a perfect weekend and a perfect spouse and perfect kids and a perfect wedding, and a perfect Christmas and a perfect Thanksgiving, but none of us are mistake-free people, so what are the chances?

We would each love to have a Stepford Wives perfect world inhabited only by people like ourselves, but will that ever happen?

Tell me which would you prefer - to be surrounded by beautiful thoughts or beautiful things? Which is more conducive to a worthwhile life? 

Tell me which would you prefer - to have beautiful thoughts or beautiful experiences?  Which is more conducive to a worthwhile life?

At bottom, you and I both want a worthwhile life.

But each of us needs to separately think what that means to us. 

Because borrowing your idea of a worthwhile life may leave me feeling unfulfilled and empty.

And borrowing my idea of a worthwhile life may leave you feeling unfulfilled and empty.

If everyone is buying houses, is buying a house essential to a worthwhile life?

Only you can answer that for yourself.

If everyone is going on vacations, does it mean going on vacations is essential to a worthwhile life?

Only you can answer that for yourself.

If everyone is getting married and having kids, does it mean getting married and having kids is essential to a worthwhile life?

Only you can answer that for yourself.

Don't chase imaginary ideas of a perfect life.

Life is not perfect. 

Not all our dreams will come true.

Not all good things that happen to us will have happy endings.

But not all our fears will come true.

And not all bad things that happen to us will have sad endings either.

Rebeccas Wells says “Good enough is good enough. Perfect will make you a big fat mess every time.”

The more perfectionist we are, the more afraid we are when things don’t go as planned.

We are afraid things are falling apart.

Michael Law says, “At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”

Perfectionism is a creativity killer and doesn't give the amateur a chance.

Julia Cameron says, “Perfectionism doesn't believe in practice shots. It doesn't believe in improvement. Perfectionism has never heard that anything worth doing is worth doing badly--and that if we allow ourselves to do something badly we might in time become quite good at it. Perfectionism measures our beginner's work against the finished work of masters. Perfectionism thrives on comparison and competition. It doesn't know how to say, "Good try," or "Job well done." The critic does not believe in creative glee--or any glee at all, for that matter. No, perfectionism is a serious matter.”

And Ann Lamott says "Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."

I know that perfectionist bosses have always been a drag for me.  You know the type - they are the ones who want to see every i dotted and every t crossed.  Perfectionist spouses are a drag.  Perfectionist parents are a drag. 

People can't wait to get out from under a perfectionist boss, spouse or parent.

Perfectionism directly impacts enthusiasm and motivation and is a drag on productivity and a threat to fidelity and loyalty.

Many a good employee is lost when a perfectionist boss comes along.

If someone misses the forest for the trees and points out a spelling mistake, or asks for unnecessary changes - when you have slogged to produce something special or to meet a tough deadline, it’s a buzz killer, and all our enthusiasm will go out like air from a balloon.

The other day when I was walking, I became aware of a crow cawing. It seemed as if the crow was cawing at me.  It went from tree to tree, following me and going “caw, caw”. The next day again I was walking, and lo and behold, the same thing happened – a crow followed me from tree to tree cawing. It was uncanny. Could it be the same crow, I wondered? Why was it following me and cawing at me? A few days later I read (in the book Super Brain by Deepak Chopra and Rudolph Tanzi) that crows never forget a face and if they don't like something you did to them (say you startled them when they were roosting) they will never forget your face and they will scold you every time they see you again. I knew from reading this I had not imagined my experience with the crow.  For two days in a row, the same crow went from tree to tree, scolding at me for something.

Whenever you are a perfectionist and start scolding, think of yourself as that scolding crow.  Hopefully, this image of yourself as a scolding crow will stop you.

We think if we scold, we can bring someone in line, we can get them to do things the way we like.  It's true we might, but only for a short while.  Eventually, they will get fed up with the tough micromanagement and go. We are rarely loyal to people who make us feel bad about ourselves.

The reason why I gave up being a Tiger Mom and a Helicopter Mom - as I describe in my post It’s Called Motherhood 2 - is because I wanted to give my daughter the opportunity to feel good about herself and also to be able to trust herself.

Perfectionists make people feel bad about themselves and unable to trust themselves.

We will each need to reestablish trust in ourselves if we have been subjected to someone's perfectionism for a substantial amount of time.

I will end with these beautiful lines from Ellen Hopkins:

“HOW

do you define a word without concrete meaning? To each his own, the saying goes, so

WHY

push to attain an ideal state of being that no two random people will agree is

WHERE

you want to be? Faultless. Finished. Incomparable. People can never be these, and anyway,

WHEN

did creating a flawless facade become a more vital goal than learning to love the person

WHO

lives inside your skin? The outside belongs to others. Only you should decide for you -

WHAT

is perfect.”

As always thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M…..a Pearl-Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay, Chris and Subhakar for their comments on Facebook and thanks to the rest of you for your votes and pins.  Much appreciated.