The Element of Not Wanting Contradictory Things and Its Hope for Getting Better Results

Every day I meet people who want everything.

They want to stay up all night and be fresh as a daisy the next morning.

They want to have Louis Vitton bags and Bruno Magli Maioco Cap Toe Oxfords and a fancy car and a fat bank balance.

They want to eat heartily and lose weight.

They want to dress inappropriately and be taken seriously.

They want to avoid risks and make money.

They want to spend time with their kids and advance on the job.

They want to be high maintenance and have good friends.

They want to be nags and be loved.

They want to avoid doing promotion-enhancing work and get a promotion.

They want contradictory things.

We have a better chance of losing what we currently have - than doing things which are contradictory to our goals, and expecting the results we desire.

No matter how much spade work we put in, no matter how much knowledge we acquire, no matter how capable we are, no matter how much we contribute, if we do things which contradict our intended goals, we will not produce the outcomes we want.

I first experienced this at a company called Vitacom, which was one of the first companies I worked for in America.

Vitacom hired me as an admin assistant in their marketing department.  It was a temporary assignment, very low paid (low end of the Admin Assistant pay scale), and I was there through a temp agency.

However, though I was hired as an admin assistant, because I had a background in advertising, Vitacom let me have a go at writing their newsletter, their product data sheets, and their exhibition booth materials.  I was very happy to be doing that, and I thought I did a great job.

Just before my six months were up, thinking my manager would not want to lose me, I went to him with a proposal  - which I thought would work great for both Vitacom and me.

I said to him, “Charles, I have a proposal. My six months is coming up soon.  When my six months is up, I would like to continue working at Vitacom, but directly - without the temp agency.  I propose that we cut out the temp agency and you pay me the agency mark-up. Since I don’t want you to pay more for my work than you are currently doing, l will work 5 half days, instead of 5 full days. Since I have learned the work, I can easily manage to complete the work in 5 half days.”

My manager said he would get back to me. Little did I know, he was shocked at my proposal, and thought I was too smart for my own good. At the end of the week, he got back to me alright. He informed me Vitacom was ending my contract by the end of the following week.  They did not want me back.

That’s when I realized I had blown it.  I had done something contradictory to my intended goals.  I had wanted so badly to get advertising and marketing experience in America, and the Vitacom assignment had made it possible. But I had blown a golden opportunity with my crass and greedy proposal.

We do self-serving things which are in complete contradiction to our goals - and then act like a rabbit in the headlights when our self-serving ideas and actions create havoc for us.

This was one such circumstance, where by doing things which were contradictory to my goals, I blew it.

I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

I wanted to gain advertising experience, and cut out the temp agency, and work half days.

As a result, I lost the opportunity altogether.

I repeat - we have a better chance of losing what we currently have, than doing things which are contradictory to our goals.

We can’t have our cake and eat it too.

Every language has a version of “you can't have your cake and eat it too”.

In Afrikaans, it is “Jy kan nie jou brood aan albei kante botter nie”, the translation of which, is “you can’t butter your bread on both sides”.

In Chinese, 又要馬兒肥(跑)，又要馬兒不吃草 –  which means “you want a horse to be fat without feeding!”.

In German, “Man kann nicht auf zwei Hochzeiten tanzen” – which means “you can’t dance at 2 weddings at the same time”.

In Polish, Mieć ciastko i zjeść ciastko –which translates to “you can’t have the cookie and eat the cookie”.

In Turkish, Gülü seven dikenine katlanir  or “If you like roses, you have to put up with the thorns.”

And from India, which is the country of my birth……

மீசைக்கும் ஆசை கூழுக்கும் ஆசை – “desire to have both the moustache and to drink the porridge” (Tamil).

ಅಕ್ಕಿ ಮೇಲೆ ಆಸೆ, ನೆಂಟರ ಮೇಲೆ ಪ್ರೀತಿ – “Desire over rice, love over relatives.”( Kannada).

After my assignment at Vitacom ended, I got another admin assistant temp assignment at NEC, where for the same pay I had been getting at Vitacom, I now had to push trolleys of mail from one building to another, get documents signed, and be shouted at by the head admin, every time I made a mistake. Just desserts, you could say.

And then I joined Palm Inc, where my career in Commissions Administration was launched.

At Palm Inc, I would learn some new lessons in “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”.

After becoming the Palm Commissions Analyst, I talked my first boss into letting me work from home one day a week.

Then a new boss inherited me. In spite of knowing my schedule was already a sticking point between us, I decided to ask him to let me work from home three days a week. At first, he said no, but I persisted with tears (I used to be good at that) and moans of “I can’t afford to pay daycare”, and he capitulated and grudgingly agreed.

But I was penalized for working from home.

In spite of doing a great job, and handling the Commissions function all on my own - sometimes pulling out all the stops to meet a tight payroll deadline, or to implement the plans for each new year -  I did not advance.

Much as I wanted recognition, praise, raises and promotions for managing the commissions function, none of it came my way.

I didn’t understand I couldn’t work from home and expect all that.

The very reason I liked my job - for the flexibility it gave me to work from home - was the reason for my lack of recognition and advancement.

“Akki mele aase nenatara mele preeti” - “Desire for rice, love for relatives”.

Either - we love the rice so much, we don't want to share it, or - we love our relatives so much, we share the rice with them.

The end of expecting contradictory things is the beginning of getting results.

Either we want to work from home more, or we want to be recognized and advance more.

The minute we start taking steps away from “working from home” and in the direction of “recognition and advancement”, we are on our way to getting the results we want.

This goes for anything we desire.

We have to choose.

When we start taking steps away from being “workaholics” and steps towards “family time”, we are on our way to rebuilding our relationship with our family – if that’s what we want.

When we start taking steps away from a “consuming hobby or habit” and start taking steps towards “constructive activities” , we are on our way to a fresh start in life – if that’s what we want.

“Akki mele aase nenatara mele preeti” - “Desire for rice, love for relatives”.

Either our work, our hobby, or our addiction matters more to us - or our family and health matters more to us.

Either we want this or we want that.

The choice is ours.

It would be nice if we didn’t have to choose.

But we have to.

So let's make a choice.

Let's make a new pact with ourselves.

"I've had enough of working from home - it's time for me to become more visible."

"I've had enough of spending all my time in self-indulgence - it's time for me to do something constructive with my life."

"I've had enough of being my own worst enemy - it's time for me to be my own best friend."

"I've had enough of breaking bridges - it's time for me to make amends."

"I've had enough of making excuses, and blaming someone, or blaming the system - it's time for me to make progress."

Make a “visible” contribution, and sooner or later. you will get recognition. Even if you don't, you will be proud of yourself, and you will become more confident.

Give up habits which are costing you your money, your relationships, your health, and your peace of mind, and sooner or later, you will have money, and relationships, and health, and peace of mind.

Include regular exercise in your routine, and sooner or later, you will look, feel and be healthier.

Eat better and eat less, and sooner or later, you will have better health and looks.

Work two hours every day at something – anything - and sooner or later, you will have gotten quite far doing that.

We should develop our B.S. meter.

We should learn to spot the B.S., not other people's B.S., but our own.

-         The B.S. that lets us get away, with complaining about the system, or with blaming someone else.

-         The B.S. that lets us pretend things are not as bad as everyone makes them out to be.

-         The B.S. that says we are where we are, only because of hard luck, and not because of lack of self-management and discipline.

-         The B.S that our case is hopeless and there's nothing we can do.

Is there really nothing we can do?

We should spend one whole day just thinking about - and writing down - the things we can do to change our circumstances, for the better - and for good.

What are the changes we can make to improve how vulnerable or hopeless we feel?

The operative word is “we”.

Not changes someone else should make - but changes we should make.

The more time we spend thinking about what someone else is doing, or is not doing, the less time we spend thinking about how we can improve our own situation.

We should not live in the past.  The past may have been painful, the past may have been wonderful, but it is the past after all.

All we have is now.

I have been a Commissions Consultant since mid-2010. 

I exchanged the security of a regular paycheck - and benefits - for the freedom of being able to go from assignment and assignment.

Either I wanted a secure job, or I wanted freedom - I had to make a choice, and I made it.

We can't have our cake and eat it too.

So we have to be very clear about what we want.

Once we are clear about what we want, we can make our thoughts and actions align to what we want.

This is the secret of thriving and getting results.

Thriving is knowing exactly what we want - and being prepared to pay the price for it.

Results will follow.

What do you want - and what is the price you are prepared to pay for it?

This is the thought I would like to leave you with today.

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M…..a Pearl-Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay for his comments on my last post, and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, votes, pins and shares…..Much appreciated.

P.S.  Thanks also to Wikipedia – which was my source for all the versions of “Have your cake and eat it too” in different languages.

The Element of Understanding The Only Limitation is In Your Mind - and Its Hope for Meeting Your Destiny

Our mind will limit us, if we let it.

It will tell us we can only walk 2 miles, when we can walk 5.

It will tell us we can only lose 5 lbs, when we can lose 20.

It will tell us we have no hope of getting something (or getting something back) - our life, our passion, our ability to thrive - when we can.

It will tell us we can’t live without something – this car, that house, this relationship, that job – when we can.

Our mind will tell us we are afraid of many things - of cars, of heights, of going up in front of a group of people to speak.

Every time we want to do something good (or great), our mind will tell us “it’s no use.”

Every time we want to give up something that's damaging our lives, our mind will tell us “it’s no use.”

Our mind is the “great limiter” in our lives.

“Mind is the master-weaver, both of the inner garment of character and the outer garment of circumstance” said James Allen, in his book As a Man Thinketh.

“As you think, so you are.”

For anything to change, our thoughts need to change.

Everything starts with changing our thoughts.

If we want to change our desires, our feelings, our habits, and our actions, it starts with changing our thoughts.

If we want to change our circumstances, it starts with changing our thoughts.

For anything to change, our thoughts need to change.

We should think of our mind as a master-weaver  - says Allen, and if we have hitherto woven in ignorance and pain, we should start weaving in enlightenment and happiness.

Our mind can limit our lives in many different ways.

Because of our experience and circumstances, it can get filled with stale stories of ….“I can’t do this because…..”, “I can’t do that because……”

This post, and my last post, Opportunity is a Reward in Itself, are dedicated to helping you give up those stale stories.

No more -“I can’t do this because…..”, or “I can’t do that because……”

You can.

Yes, you can.

Say it to yourself, “I can”.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, “What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it.”

We have to say to ourselves, “I will change my life – one step at a time.”

We start by ridding ourselves of the limiting thoughts that are holding us back.

Let’s look at some of these limiting thoughts which are only in our mind.

Just because we’ve tried many times and failed, doesn’t mean we should give up trying

Experience is a valuable teacher.

Every time we try something and it fails, we learn something from that experience.

We can adjust our strategy and tactics, we can change our approach

We should never give up on our dreams and goals.

We should learn to adjust our strategy and tactics, or modify our approach, using experience as our teacher, and go for it again.

Every time we try again, we will be one step closer to finding the key that will click in the lock.

Some things are tougher than others.

One thinks of the California Bar.

Many people give up after two, or three attempts.

Shouldn’t we never ever give up?

Some pursuits require a longer commitment of time.

Have you heard about the 10,000 hours rule?

It takes more than 10,000 hours of deliberate practice before you can achieve mastery in anything.

We have to thank Malcom Gladwell’s book Outliers: The Story of Success for that.

Think about this as you go about your work, your passion, or your business, today.

Don’t get worried if things are going slow.

You are putting in those valuable 10,000 hours.

Just because you stopped doing something a long time ago, doesn’t mean you can’t pick it up again

For one reason or another, we stop doing certain things.

Does that mean we will never be able to pick it up again?

Never!

I think about my writing.

After a 14 year hiatus, I started writing this blog.

During that time, many who knew I used to be an advertising copywriter in my previous career, would say to me, “Minoo, you should start writing again.” I used to shake my head.  I believed the writing chapter of my life was over. I was a Commissions Analyst whose work involved numbers - and that was that. I would never write again.  I was wrong.  Majorly wrong. Wrong by a magnitude of 289 posts. In December of 2010, when Iceland officially left the recession with growth of 1.2% in the third quarter, I started this blog.  I am on post 289 ... and still going.

I also think about my brother-in-law Mohammed. When he was young, he had some experience on a farm.  His adult life took him away from farming and into engineering.

But about 10 years ago, he bought a farm and started doing a bit of farming in his spare time again. Farming was back in his life.

I know people who have stopped doing things for all sorts of reasons.

Someone I know ran a Mexican restaurant for 10 years, then lost the lease and closed down.

Do you think he can never pick that up again?

No, at some time in the future, he could very well start a restaurant again.

He certainly has the experience.

So, yes, of course, he can.

The potential is there.

Moving on...

Just because our performance has plateaued, doesn’t mean we are going to get stuck at that level

Improvements in performance take time.  There’s a natural progression of standing still and going forward.  This is the way of life.  Sometimes breaking through a performance plateau will come from having an intriguing or interesting problem to solve. Just being made aware of the problem, opens the door to the possibility of arriving at a solution. If you are made aware of the problem, without being expected to solve it, that’s even better. Expectations cause stress and do not help.  The more relaxed we are, the more we are allowed to monitor our own performance, and pace our own improvements, the better our chances for coming up with a breakthrough solution that improves performance. 

A few years ago, I broke through an Excel plateau - after years and years of being stuck using Pivot Tables and Vlookups.  It happened during my Commissions Consulting assignment at White Hat Security. 

White Hat Security’s Commission Statements were very cumbersome. The sales reps did not like these cumbersome commission statements – they complained loudly and frequently about them. I felt their grief, but I had never designed commission statements, so I did not know what to do about it.

My manager Kerry told me not to stress.  “Don’t worry about it – you are doing the best you can” she would say.  She did not expect me to solve the statement problem. Her relaxed attitude meant I could think about the “statement problem” without having to come up with a solution. Soon, I found myself thinking about the statements whenever I had some downtime.

One Sunday afternoon, when I was lying down, I suddenly had an idea that I could search for solutions on the internet.  The next thing I knew, I had broken through a plateau and was using sumifs, conditional formatting, and macros, and I had created both a commissions model as well as new commission statements.  All thanks to Kerry's supportive approach.

There is a moral in this story for everyone.  Just because your performance has plateaued, doesn't mean you are going to be stuck at that level for all times.

There is also a moral in this story for managers everywhere.  People will improve – if you just relax - and let them do their jobs!

P.S. In this context, I have been fervently praying for the demise of the Annual Performance Review. You know from my post, Dear Job Doctor - I believe it can’t come a day too soon.

Just because we have only a modest ability in something, doesn’t mean we should give it up

Is it okay to paint, if you are not a great painter?

Is it okay to sing, if you are not a great singer?

Is it okay to write, if you are not a great writer?

Of course!

I would never be able to write, if I told myself writing was only worth it, if it brought me money or fame, or I was top-notch at it.

Self-expression is a reward in itself.

It is satisfying to learn to paint and then do a painting, to learn to play an instrument and then play a song, to take up writing and then write a post, an essay, a poem or a short story, in short, to do anything which is your own handiwork.

Imagine if everyone told themselves, I will not sing or paint or write unless I can make a lot of money from it, or it brings me fame.

Our family events wouldn’t be half as fun.

As I told you in my post Family Songs, guitars are brought out at our family parties, and everyone sings.

We enjoy everyone’s singing, though none of us has had any formal training in music, and not one of us would qualify to hear Randy Jackson say “You are going to Las Vegas”.

We shouldn't be brainwashed into thinking only things which involve money and success are worthwhile.

Many of the things which will bring us joy in life are actually priceless.

I am sure you can think of several things which have no money-value for you in life, but are priceless.

Go ahead and continue to do these “priceless” things. Which brings me to my next point….

Just because there’s no monetary reward, doesn’t mean it’s not worth it

Every week I give up 8 hours (or more) to write my blog.

What do I do it for?

For the enjoyment

I enjoy writing my blog - I’d rather be writing my blog than doing many other things.

When I am writing my blog, I am in what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls “the flow”.

Writing also helps me clarify my thoughts.

It helps me do what this post tells you to do – to improve my thoughts.

There are many things in life worth more than money.

Your health is worth more than money.

Your relationships are worth more than money.

Your peace of mind is worth more than money.

Why do people meditate, when they could be spending the same time in income-producing activities?

That’s because meditation improves our health, improves our relationships, improves our communication, and improves our state of mind – all of which, you can’t buy with money, and which are worth more than money.

My post Connected Minds tells you about all the benefits I have derived since I started meditating.

Many things in life are priceless.

My post The United States Of Friendship – Part 8 – Julia – tells you about how I discovered time with my daughter and my mother was priceless.

My walks with Becky are priceless - and I would never think of exchanging them for any amount of money.

We shouldn’t think of everything and anything in terms of their money value.

We should make choices for our health, and our relationships, our peace of mind, and our values, even if it costs us money.

We will never regret it.

All the people I know who have made such choices are thriving so much more than the people who have not made such choices.

Join the band.

Just because there’s a traditional and well-defined path to get somewhere, doesn’t mean you can’t go off the beaten path

For every person who got to where they are today, by taking very deliberate steps, there are others who got there by going off the beaten path.

One thinks of David Ogilvy, the famous advertising copywriter.

I read in Bloomberg Business that Ogilvy had been “a sous-chef, an advertising trainee, a door-to-door salesman for Aga stoves, a researcher for George Gallup of Americans' opinions about movie stars, an Amish-country farm owner, and, during World War II, a spy for British military intelligence” before he became a copywriter.

We should never think we can’t change tracks.

We should never think we can’t do something now, and do something different later.

If I had thought like that, I wouldn’t have been able to transform myself from an advertising copywriter into a Commissions Analyst.

Today, you have a job.

You are a cog in a wheel.

Who says you can’t start a business later in life?

Today you are a lawyer, or a doctor, or an architect or an engineer.

Who says there won’t come a day when you will be able to juggle your law practice, with a totally different hobby, or line of work, on the side?

This is what Louis Begley did.

He was a practicing lawyer in his 50’s, when he began writing. Ever after, he was able to juggle his law practice with this new-found passion and interest.

Don’t typecast yourself as anything.

Your skills and interests (and opportunities) can make different things possible in your life at different times.

I will end this post with a quote from Pope Paul VI.  I hope it inspires you to get rid of the mental limitations that are keeping you from finding your bliss.

Truly, the only limitation is in your mind.

Pope Paul VI: “Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.”

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M …..a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay for his comments on my last post, and thanks to all of you for your likes, pins and votes….much appreciated.