We Bid Goodbye To 2019

A 2 min read...

Every year on Dec 31, we bid goodbye to another year of our lives.

This year we bid goodbye to 2019.

Like every other year, it was a year of ups and downs.

…some unnerving things and some heartening things.

…some comforts and some discomforts.

…some joys and some sorrows.

…some victories and some losses.

…some scores and some upsets.

Every bit of what happened to us in 2019 is part of our lived experience.

Not all of it was bad.

Not all of it was good.

It was a mix of both.

The mix may have been more good than bad.

Despite our best intentions, things may not have gone as expected.

We may be smarting from some of the more humiliating events.

Or 2019 could have brought us some unexpected and terrible losses.

In years of terrible loss, we wonder why we ever made a big deal about this or that small pesky thing in previous years.

They seem so trivial now in retrospect.

Our losses awaken us to the wisdom that learning how to handle the losses life brings us, is an important part of our growth.

No matter how distressing the experience, we are called upon to handle it with patience, with acceptance, with empathy, with understanding, with an open heart, and with forgiveness.

And so we exit 2019.

Putting our regrets and losses behind us.

Accepting the things that cannot be changed.

And strengthening ourselves for what can be changed.

We need to strengthen ourselves, because like every year that came before...

...and every year that will come after…

2020 will be a mixed bag.

We can expect victories and defeats.

Gains and losses.

Consolations and frustrations.

All the ups and downs life typically serves up each year.

But we can be more than ready for that mixed bag.

By gathering the right tools and putting them in our mental bag.

Tools such as faith, patience, openness, acceptance, courage, understanding, persistence, compassion, gratitude and forgiveness.

With these in our tool bag, we can be fully equipped for 2020, whatever it brings.

Happy New Year to All of Us.

The Serpent and The Dove

Once upon a time there was a Dove.

She was unlike other Doves.

Other Doves were happy to rest on the laurels of their ancestors.

Their pride was related to their place in art, history, literature, politics, and above all, religion.

Wasn't it a Dove that returned with a branch from an olive tree to tell Noah of the sighting of land?

Didn't God choose to descend as a Dove when Jesus was baptized? “And Jesus when he was baptized, went up straightway from the water: and lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending as a dove, and coming upon him."

Weren't Doves universal symbols of peace?

Didn't Picasso say his father had taught him to paint Doves, concluding, "I stand for life against death; I stand for peace against war."

Was it not a Dove that was featured in Andy Warhol's Last Supper painting?

Yes, Doves were part of a blessed tradition.

And most Doves were content to bask in the glorious heritage and legacy to which they had been born.

Except for one Dove, whose name was Sui Generis.

Sui Generis was a different kind of Dove.

She had a natural bent to think about things which Doves were not inclined to think about.

"Wonder what it would be like to have not been born a Dove?" was one of the things she thought about.

"Wonder what it would be like to be a Serpent?" she thought.

Serpents were despised.

Sui Generis wondered what it was like to be despised.

She decided to find out.

The question led Sui Generis to venture away from the farmstead that was her habitat.

Her quest was to find a Serpent who would tell her what life was like for a Serpent.

So she flew and flew, until she came to a grassy meadow where she found a Serpent sunning.

The Serpent had a faraway look on his face.

"Penny for your thoughts" Sui Generis said, perching on a rock at a safe distance.

"A penny for my thoughts, eh," said the Serpent. "If not for the misfortunes of birth, you might be here and I might be there."

"Instead, here I am,  a doomed SBCD," he continued.

Sui Generis angled her head in the way she always did when she couldn't get something. "SBCD?" she inquired.

"Serpent Born Confused Dove" said the Serpent, "Expected to be a liar and vicious, presumed to be vindictive and capricious, associated with evil through and through, if only everyone knew..."

Sui Generis said, "Who says you have to be a liar and vicious, vindictive and capricious?"

"It's Serpent 101," said the Serpent.

"Solo, remember your place, Solo, the apple you must make Eve taste. These are the rhymes I have been brought up with," said the Serpent.

"Solo, nice name. Mine is Sui Generis," said Sui Generis.

"Symbol of all that's good meet symbol of all that's bad, isn't that just so…" continued the Serpent, whose name Sui Generis had learned was Solo.

"So sad?" said Sui Generis, asking if that's how he intended to complete the sentence. "How poetic you are, Solo."

"Such a disgrace, You are making our family lose all face. We are being dissed because you don't hiss. This is what I get for being so poetic. If only…" continued Solo.

"If only what?" said Sui Generis.

"If only I could be freed from this body - even for a day. I'd give anything, Sui Generis - even my best prey. Sometimes I just want to sit out in the sun until I am fried and done."

"Fried and done?" Sui Generis asked.

"If I stay out in the sun too long, I will die. Sometimes, I just want to die, Sui Generis. My whole life is a lie, anyway. I am no use to anyone for anything."

Sui Generis was overcome with sadness for Solo.

How terrible for him to be trapped in a Serpent's body and to have no desire to live. He clearly wasn't cut out for the life of a Serpent.

She knew what she must do to help him.

She would use her talisman.

It was a thimble containing magic ash.

The magic ash had the power to grant her one wish.

She would use this wish to trade places with Solo, so he could experience what it was like to be a Dove.

The next day she brought the talisman to Solo.

"How would you like to trade places for a day?"

"You're joking, right? That's a mean joke, if it's a joke, and surely it's a joke" said Solo.

"No, I am not joking," said Sui Generis. "I am going to release the ash from this thimble into the air and say the words, 'I want to trade places with Solo.  As soon as I do so, you will be a Dove and I will be a Serpent."

Solo was incredulous. "And how will we trade back?"

"You leave me to worry about that," said Sui Generis. "First let me explain to you which way you should fly, and how to avoid the hunters."

He listened to her explain where the hunters would be.

Then when she finished, he watched her release the ash from the thimble into the air.

He heard her say the words, "I want to trade places with Solo".

The next thing he knew he was a Dove with wings.

He saw a Serpent in the grass and realized it was Sui Generis.

The Serpent slid away before he could say anything.

Solo flapped his wings and the next thing he knew, he was aloft.

He looked down at the world.

What a view - it was incredible.

He now knew what he had been missing - how wonderful a Dove's life was.

He suddenly had the urge to find an olive tree, so he could pluck a twig from it and carry it in his beak, like the Dove did at the end of the Noah and the Ark story.

He flew onto rocks and perched there.

He flew onto different trees and perched on their branches.

He flew and explored.

He suddenly realized he was hungry.

As if by instinct, he flew down and picked some grain from the ground.

Then he took to the skies again.

He flew and flew and flew.

Morning became afternoon.

Afternoon became evening.

Suddenly it occurred to him…..evening would become night.

Sui Generis hadn't told him what time and where they would meet to trade places again.

He felt he ought to start flying back to the spot where they had traded places.

She might be waiting there already.

He started flying back.

He flew and flew.

Suddenly, an anxiety seized him.

It had been a very hot day.

Hopefully, Sui Generis had stayed out of the sun.

He had to get to her.

He started flying faster, ignoring the fact that she had told him not to cross the area where the hunters were.

He got right into the hunter's sights.

Suddenly he heard the sound of a gun, and the next minute he felt a searing pain in his body.

He began to fall to the ground.

Moments later, he breathed his last, but not before he remembered to give thanks for the precious gift Sui Generis had given to him. "It was worth it," he thought, "it was so worth it to experience what it was like to be a Dove.  Thank you, Sui Generis."

And at that very same moment, Sui Generis also breathed her last.

Never intending for Solo and her to trade places again, she had decided to sacrifice her life  by staying out in the sun until she was, as he had said, "fried and done". Her last moment was a moment of pure joy too - because of all the things she had done in her life, the sacrifice she had made for Solo was the most meaningful and worthwhile of all.

Goodbye Comfort Zone

A 3 min read

Goodbye comfort zone.

How many times in your life have you said that?

When you are young, you are more willing to do it.

As you get older, you become chicken.

You get used to your little coop.

Who wants to venture out?

You may just end up getting eaten alive.

And so you don't venture out.

Even though, the opportunities are plenty.

And it just may be you will be good at something new and scary – but you are not willing to try, and you have your defences up, and your tendency to worry that you may make the wrong decision.

So even though you have a goal, you are only willing to bring a certain  level of persistence to the task of achieving it - whatever level of persistence you think is enough.

And whatever minimum level of openness to exploration you can muster.

Anything more is "too hard".

Anything more is "not worth it".

Anything more is “forget about it”.

You’d much rather do the same old things with certainty, rather than do new things with uncertainty.

And you don't try to position yourself uniquely, even though uniqueness is a much sought after quality.

New things are good things.

New things can solve multiple problems for you.

Such as boredom…restlessness…futility…

New things will bring new confidence.

Life is hard.

Life is intimidating.

And there's only one way to solve the mystery, and the discomfort, of that.

Goodbye comfort zone.

Turn the tables on life, and turn the tables on the challenges of life.

Challenge life.

Take life's challenges head on.

When life challenges you, if you sit doing nothing about it, it can drain you.

Come at that challenge with everything in your power, and the opposite is true.

You will feel invigorated.

So shake yourself out of your current routine.

Start doing things you have never done before.

Think of what you would have done when you were younger.

Venture out and make new decisions.

Make fire in the belly decisions  - like you did when you were younger.

Make bold and adventurous decisions - like you did when you were younger.

Make decisions that will expand you, and not contract you.

Such as what, Minoo?

I don't know how you currently spend your time, but I will throw out some ideas.

If it's time you learned something, like a software program (or a skill) everyone knows or uses, maybe that.

If it’s time you upped your career game - by going for a more challenging education credential, or project, or job, maybe that.

If it’s time you learned how to cook, maybe that.

If it’s time you learned to socialize differently, maybe that.

If it’s time you tackled your health issues in a more purposeful way, maybe that.

If it’s time you learned something about money and investing, maybe that.

By challenging yourself, you challenge life to give you more of what you want.

Goodbye comfort zone.

There's no better way to say goodbye to life’s boredom, frustrations, dislocations, and dissatisfactions.

Even if you don't succeed, you will be proud of yourself for being brave and bold enough, to try new things.

You were positive, you seized the day; you went out on a limb.

You didn't let the possibility of failure and humiliation intimidate you.

You said, "Goodbye comfort zone" just like you would have done when you were younger.

I say high five to that! In my mind, it's a big victory.

What's your Personal Definition of Success? Why it's important that it's unique for you.

All of us are unique.

One size doesn't fit all.

Not only do we have different geographical backgrounds, we come from different families and cultures.

Our genetic and environmental make up is different.

What each one of us was exposed to as children, was different.

We have had different kinds of schooling.

We've been raised in different kinds of families and homes.

We've been part of different communities and cultures.

Because we spent our childhoods doing different things, and facing different circumstances, we grew up learning different lessons.

We grew up absorbing different values.

Naturally, the options we think we have are different.

The things we are willing to do are different.

The things we are able to do are different.

We have different fears and concerns.

We have different interests and drives.

We have different goals and priorities.

Quite naturally, the challenges we feel we are up to taking on, will also be different.

For all these reasons, it's important for each of us to develop a personal definition of success.

This definition should be valid for you, and you alone.

I had a rough childhood, where I rarely got a good night's sleep, because my dad had a drinking problem and would be up all night creating scenes.

So part of my definition of success is a good night's sleep.

Your unique background, your unique education, your unique experiences and experiments, your unique circumstances, and of course your unique dreams and talents, should all figure in crafting your definition of success.

Is it that you were the only one to blaze a trail in your family?

Is it that you got through your teenage and early adult years without messing up your life?

Is it that you have been able to go with the flow, and make a living taking on different challenges?

Is it that whatever you touch, you have always made your investment of time, money, and energy pay off?

Is it that you have been able to achieve some things that are important to you, such as work flexibility, or work-life balance, or good health?

Is it that you have been able to live simply?

Is it that you have been able to go from strength to strength in your field?

Is it that you have never let a disabling illness or condition stop you from doing the things you want to do?

Is it that you have reinvented yourself through different jobs?

Is it that, no matter the life blows, you have never lost your faith in God or humankind, or yourself?

Is it that you have made some tough sacrifices you never thought you would make?

It is that you are a good friend, a good parent, a good child, or a good brother or sister?

Is it that you have never let failures and setbacks keep you down?

Is it that you have been steadily able to command more and more respect as a person?

Success to you may be succeeding in a field where you are a minority.

Success to you may be knowing you have conquered some fears or weaknesses to become a better, or stronger person.

Success to you may be dealing with a tough situation, without going to pieces, or losing your compassion.

You don't have to let other people's definitions of success determine your life.

You know who you are.

You know what you have been able to do.

Most important of all, you know what still remains to be done.

Here's somebody who has his own unique definition of success.

Anything is Possible

I go to a church every Sunday, where I am reminded every week, it is a place where… “Everyone is welcome, Anything is possible, Nobody is perfect, and Love is lived out.”

I like this message.

…every part of it!

I don’t know about you, but I need to be regularly reminded I am not alone in this world.

…and there’s no need to feel on the outside looking in.

If I ever feel alone, and on the outside looking in, I know it is a sign.

It is a sign I need to get connected - whether with family, or with friends, or with a church, or with a book club, or with any of a large number of vocational, social, or religious, or other groups, of which there are plenty.

I don’t have to feel left out.

There is always a space and a place for me, where I will be welcome.

I also need to be regularly reminded to look beyond both my current circumstances and my past achievements.

Despite the limitations, failures, and disappointments of my life, I do not have failure written all over me.

I may not have many of the markers of success people have at my age, or with my background.

But I am a hard worker, and have been a contributing human being, putting what I have to good use, whether time or talents or humor or stories or knowledge or values or wisdom.

That’s good enough for me.

Nobody is perfect.

Finally, I am grateful to be reminded on a weekly basis that I should be hopeful about the future.

Even if I feel I do not have enough on my side, whether background, or smarts, or connections, or experience, or even time, I am reminded to continue to think positively, and act positively.

I am reminded to continue believing that doors will open for me.

And life can take a wonderful turn.

Anything is possible.

When I came to America, I was a single parent with an 11 month old.

I could not drive.

I could not cook.

I had limited computer skills.

I knew how to write advertising copy, which as it turned out, could not land me a job.

Was I doomed?

No!

Witness the ‘Anything is possible’ principle in action.

I learned to drive.

I learned to cook.

I acquired basic computer skills.

Anything is possible.

And doors opened for me.

It was a series of doors, actually.

I got a part time receptionist job.

Then I got a 6 month contract marketing assistant job.

Then I got a 3 month contract admin assistant job.

This led the way for me to get my first permanent admin assistant job.

The next door that opened for me was for a job I did not have the skills for.

It was also a job I had never heard of.

It was called a Commissions Analyst.

The job involved working with a whole lot of numbers, using Microsoft Excel.

I barely knew Microsoft Excel.

I was filled with doubt and anxiety, even as I reluctantly said yes to it.

But anything is possible.

With a couple of months of training from my manager, I was off and running in this new job.

Anything is possible.

Anything is possible.

When I look back, it is a thread that has run through my life.

With no background as an entrepreneur, I started my own creative hot shop.

With no background in stocks, I became a successful investor.

With no health insurance and nothing but internet searches, I reined in my pre-diabetes.

With just a servant’s heart and a service heart, I became a full time freelancer doing short term commissions analyst projects for companies.

We have what it takes to move through life’s challenges.

Because anything is possible.

So have faith in yourself.

Have faith in your fellow travelers.

And have faith a door will open for you.

Because it's true...

Anything is possible!

The Secret to Good Relationships - Tuning In

Let’s talk about radio stations.

If you want to listen to the KFOG radio station, you have to tune in to the frequency of the KFOG radio station.

107.7.

You can't tune in to the frequency of the KBAY radio station and expect to hear the KFOG radio station.

KBAY music plays on the KBAY radio station.

So if you tune in to the frequency of the KBAY radio station, you will hear the music played by KBAY.

So now how is this related to dealing with the significant people in your life?

You need to tune in to the station of anyone who is significant to you, so you can really hear them.

But what happens if you don't like the music that's being played on their station?

This is where the problem arises.

You don't like the music that's playing on their station.

What's more, you may not be able to escape it - living under the same roof, or having to deal with them day in and day out.

So you decide the next best thing is to just tune it out.

Block out whatever they say as best you can.

Using tools like your imagination.

While this is a coping tool, it's not a solving tool.

It would be nice if you could say to the people in your life, ”Hey I don't like what you are playing on your radio station; can you play this instead?”

But of course, that's wishful thinking.

It's never going to be as simple as that.

If you do that, it will only make things worse.

So the same thing goes on and on.

And maybe you continue to do what you have always done - try to tune things out.

You can live a whole lifetime like this - with nothing changing.

And with profound dissatisfaction on all sides.

If you desire to have a meaningful, caring, and more easy-going relationship, no two questions about it...

You have to tune in.

If the dial is stuck,  you may be tempted to use your developed reflex to tune out and block out whatever you do not like.

But really, you should consider using your alone time as reflection time.

And come up with a strategy to replace “blocking out” with “tuning in”.

Tuning in might be to ask someone, "What are your thoughts right now?"

Or, "What would you like to do right now?"

Or, “What is bothering you the most right now?”

Or, “How can I make things easier for you?"

Or, "Why do you think that?"

Life gets more challenging for everyone as we go along.

Life gets more challenging physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Tuning in may mean acknowledging the increased physical, mental, and emotional challenges the people in your life face.

And doing what you can to alleviate them.

Tuning in many also mean acknowledging the small things that bother other people.

Sometimes what's small to you may be significant to someone else.

We are all different.

The most successful relationships are those where both people are tuned in.

How can you  craft and implement the right “tune in” strategy today?