I
submitted an Amazon book review for Indu Balachandran's book We'll be Right Back. The Oops and Downs of Advertising.
It
was rejected.
"What
the Bleep!" I said, "Rejected!"
A
nasty side of me surfaced.
The
side that's rash and impulsive when provoked.
I went..."That's it, Amazon. You'll
get no more business from me. From today
onwards, I will shop at Target and Walmart."
Luckily
the cooler side of me prevailed - the one that knows not to shoot yourself in
the foot intentionally.
Still
I couldn't understand why my review of Indu Balachandran's book didn't make the cut – whatever the cut was.
"I am baffled. I
wish I knew how their algorithm works," I said.
Suddenly
a figure in blue appeared before me with Will Smith's face.
"Who
are you?" I asked.
"I
am your genie.
You
made a wish.
I
am here to grant your wish.
Let's
go."
The
genie took a handkerchief out of his pocket, waved it, and it became a magic
carpet.
"Hop
on", he instructed me.
I
hopped on. Currently, I have plantar
fasciitis, so hopping is my standard mode of getting around.
The
next thing I knew, we were sailing way above the highest rooftops on the magic
carpet.
I
held on for dear life.
"Don't
worry," the genie with the Will Smith face said, "You won't fall
off"
Presently,
we spotted a building.
"That's
it" he said, "That's where we’re going. Fasten your seat belt for
descent. Only joking! You don't need a seat belt"
As
we got closer to the building, I saw the sign on the building said
"AA".
"Are
you sure you heard my wish correctly?" I said.
"Yes",
he said, "Amazon Algorithms".
He
landed the magic carpet deftly in the spacious driveway of Amazon Algorithms.
I
got off and we both headed into the lobby.
At
the reception, he said to the lady, "She's here to see the
Algorithms".
"Past
reviews, or present reviews?" she asked.
"Both"
I said, pointedly.
"Algorithm
B - present reviews is not available.
Her calendar is completely booked till next year. I will get Algorithm A
for you"
Presently,
a cheerful older man came out and shook my hand, "Algorithm A", he
said. "Follow me to my
office".
When
we were in his office and seated, he said "Now what can I do for
you?"
"Oh,"
I said squirming, "I was just wondering if we could go over some of the
past book reviews I have written for Amazon."
"Sure,"
he said.
"Well, I wrote a review of Brenda Greene's
Get the Interview Every Time: Fortune 500 Hiring Professionals' Tips for
Writing Winning Resumes and Cover Letters.
What did you think of that?"
"Oh
I remember it well" he said. It was
back in 2012. I particularly liked your
headline, “The Fact That You Played
Guitar at Burning Man Won't. The Fact That You Have Relevant Computer Skills
Will”. Also, I liked how you laid
out the 4 most important tips. Great
review".
I
sat up a little straighter, enjoying the compliment.
"Oh,
and what did you think of my review of How
God Changes Your Brain by Andrew Newberg?"
"Oh
I remember it well. You said in that
review, you learned to meditate from the book, and you said all sorts of
wonderful things started happening after that.
You even had some telepathic experiences."
"That's
right. You've got a great memory,"
I said.
"We're
Algorithms", he said.
"And
tell me about my review of Feeling Good
The New Mood Therapy by David Burns?" I said
"Oh,
another one with a great headline – “If I
Am A Good and Faithful Wife I Deserve To Be Loved" How do you come up
with these great headlines?"
"I
used to be an advertising copywriter," I said.
"Looks
like you seem to remember all the details of all my reviews. Fascinating"
"We're
Algorithms" he repeated. "I can reel off the list of all your reviews
if you like. Do you want me to?" he
said.
"Yes!,"
I said.
"There
was a review of What Color Is Your
Parachute by Richard Nelson Bolles, and a review of Socrates A Man For Our Times by Paul Johnson, and a review of Operation Al Nagreb by Ajay Sachdev,
and a review of On Becoming Vegetarian
by Anita Saran. I liked how you wove
the impact a Lewis Carroll story had on you into that one.
And you did another review of Ajay
Sachdev's Oh Bangalore, which unfortunately, is no longer on Amazon, because
the book is no longer for sale on Amazon. You did a review of Anita Saran's How To Write Fantasy and
a review of her book City of Victory. Do you remember your headline on that
one?" I shook my head, at which he said, "A Clear Eye and Compassion". And finally, there was a review of Undecided by Barbara Kelly, where your
headline was "One cupcake away from
going postal".
"Amazing"
I said. I wonder whether he noticed the
slightly startled look on my face when he rattled off Undecided by Barbara Kelly at the end of his list. I didn't have any memory of writing that
review.
"So
what did you come here for? Will that be all?" he asked.
"Oh,
yes" I said, "Silly me. I am
forgetting the whole point of this visit.
I am here to find out why my review of Indu Balachandran's We'll be right back. The Oops and Downs Of
Advertising was rejected. I have
never had a review rejected before."
"Unfortunately
that's not my department", he said, "Current reviews are handled by
Algorithm B".
"Would
you be able to tell me why she rejected my review?"
"I'm
afraid not" said Algorithm A.
"I don't know, and even if I knew, I would be overstepping my
bounds if I told you."
"So
I can only find out from Algorithm B?" I said.
"Yes,
that's right."
I
turned and looked at the genie with Will Smith's face.
"I
wish to see Algorithm B even if her calendar is booked till next year. Can you
make that happen?"
"Let
me see" said the genie, "I have to check the quotas."
He
pulled out a paper and looked at it, and then said, "Nope, checked the
quotas, I can grant only one wish to Copywriters turned Commission
Analysts."
I
was upset at hearing this. "This is terrible" I said. "I came
all the way for nothing". Then I
realized I was being churlish and ungrateful for all the help Genie and Algorithm A
had given me. I quickly added, "Genie, I really appreciate you bringing me
here, and Algorithm A, I really appreciate the time you spent with me, and all
the wonderful things you said about my past book reviews, but I am disappointed, because I hoped to find out why my book review of Indu Balachandran's We'll Be Right Back…The Oops and Downs of
Advertising got rejected. I am at a loss."
"You
are not at a loss" said the genie with the Will Smith face.
"When
you made your wish, I couldn't help notice you were working on your blog. You
can always publish the review on your blog. You can also publish the rejection
letter you received from Amazon on your blog. It's the next best thing. Indoo Baylorchandin will be happy
you took the time and trouble to review her book, even if Amazon rejected
it."
And
so dear readers, that's the story of The Oops and Downs of
Trying to Submit My Latest Amazon Book Review.
Heeding the advice of the genie who got me back home safely on the magic
carpet, here's the review I wrote, followed by the rejection from Amazon.
Madvertising
I bought and read Don't
Go Away, We'll Be Right Back and it was such a blast because it brought back
memories of my past life as an advertising copywriter in India. Indu has
cataloged all the oops and downs of ad agency life in India with humor and
detail. I found myself squirming when my kind was described, because I was the
quintessential copywriter, prickly to a fault and infamous for storming out of
agencies. While Indu's book brought back memories of many embarrassing episodes
of my advertising life, I can now laugh at these escapades since so much time
has passed. Pick up your copy of Don't Go Away, We'll Be Right Back. It will
not only trigger all kinds of crazy memories for you, but also, if anyone wants
to know what your life in advertising was like in the 80s ,90s and Noughties,
you will be equipped. Superb Job, Indu!
Here's
what Amazon came back with (be warned, it's not quite as pithy as the 10 Commandments):
Thank you for submitting
a customer review on Amazon. After carefully reviewing your submission, your
review could not be posted to the website. While we appreciate your time and
comments, reviews must adhere to the following guidelines:
Community Guidelines
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