The Element of Planning the Philosophy of Our Exits and Its Hope for Leaving with Swan Songs Not Burnt Bridges

If I have to make a general comment, it is that most of us respond too hastily.

We respond hastily to things people do.  We respond hastily to things people say. We respond hastily to situations we don't like.

This is unfortunate.  Because situations, by their very nature, require time and thought to arrive at a solution.

Hasty reactions can cost us.

They can cost us money, they can cost us relationships, they can cost us our jobs, they can cost us our social life.

The can even have long term negative consequences such as making it difficult for us to get a job, be in a relationship, or have friends.

How much better to take a situation as a challenge…. and try to think of a solution.

"Be a part of the solution, don't be part of the problem" is a frequently quoted line.

How many of us internalize this and make it a philosophy?

Often we don't even recognize when we are being part of the problem, and not the solution.

In my first career in India, if I got pissed off at any job, I became a problem.

When you become a problem, can you guess what happens?

Nothing positive happens.  You become a nuisance - that's all that happens.

Eventually, you get fed up with being a nuisance, and you move on. Or sometimes, before you get fed up, the company gets fed up with you, and you are pushed out.

In my advertising career, I did a lot of moving on, often quite hastily.

I walked out of my first advertising job.

My attitude was "to hell with it" and "it's their loss".

I walked out of other jobs with the same attitude.

I did not stop to think of the long term consequences. It just felt Howard Roarkish-good.

I didn’t realize I was burning bridges for good.

So whose loss is that?

The company could hire someone in my place - there were any number of people to choose from.

So it was my loss.

But I didn’t know it.

I lost relationships. I lost credibility.  I lost the goodwill I had built up.  And I lost all hope to ever work in that company again.

In times of plenty, you land on your feet, so you never give it much thought.

But a bad rap, a bad rep, is slow career suicide.

Sooner or later, you will have to pay the piper.

Sooner or later your burnt bridges will come back to haunt you.

As when, you apply for a job, and the hiring manager realizes they have a friend at a company where you previously worked.

So they get on the phone with their friend and wham…..

….there goes your hope of landing the job, even though you were the leading candidate and had a great interview.

If I had to turn back the clock, I wish I had left some jobs more graciously and more gratefully.

My meditation has brought me to a point where I cherish each and every human being that I meet, and every encounter I have, and this means I am sad at all the relationships I have lost because of being stubborn and proud and difficult.

I now see I should have had more gratitude for all the things that fell in my path in life - my jobs, my relationships, the experiences of my life.

For instance my first job gave me my first break - it was definitely something to be grateful for.

My second job gave me the opportunity to work on the advertising campaign of my life - it was definitely something to be grateful for.

My third job gave me the opportunity to work in a new city and meet new people, who were very significant to my personal and professional future - it was definitely something to be grateful for.

As far as possible, we should leave every job on a good note.

I feel each of us needs to have a philosophy about our exits, and to approach every exit with this philosophy in mind.

Otherwise, we will just go from job to job, and relationship to relationship, and from friendship to friendship, leaving a trail of dysfunction.

Isn't it a tragedy to blow our reputation, at a job in which we excelled, and where our skills were held in high regard?

A messy exit can do that.

A harmonious exit has the opposite effect.

I worked at HTA and MAA (Indian advertising agencies), twice.

The reason I was rehired at these 2 companies was because I left on a good note the first time.

When you leave on a bad note, your chances of being rehired are slim to nil.

I know this from experience, because I have had the shoe on the other foot as well.

Each of us should spend some time to develop an exit philosophy.

How do you quit, leave, or exit something?  Is there a correct way to do this?

Yes, there is.

The correct way to do it is with grace, to leave on a good note, to leave without burning any bridges, to leave with a swansong.

We should look at our patterns of quitting.

If it has mostly been "Serve them right.  They will be in a world of hurt now that they don't have me", we need to reflect on whether this way of thinking is likely to serve us, or hurt us.

If we have done this in multiple places, how come we’ve not learned any lessons, why have we not become more adaptable?   You would expect a person who has worked in multiple environments to be more adaptable and flexible than someone who has worked only in one company, no?

If you’ve never thought about this before, take some time to think about it today.

How we get out of something is as important as how we get into something.

We should think about what we want to leave behind.

In this dine and dash economy, there are many times we may have to quit.

What impression do you want to leave?

Would you rather your departure be a loss to those you worked with, or a relief?

Would you rather people mourn your going away, or celebrate it?

Would you rather leave knowing you created chaos, or knowing you created value?

Would you rather leave creating goodwill, or creating ill-will?

Would you rather people want you back, than they be glad you are gone?

It all comes down to your exit philosophy

Something you can think about today.

You hold the cards.

You can be someone people want to remember.

Or someone they quickly or desperately want to forget.

It's up to you.

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week….M …..a Pearl Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay and RT for their comments on my last post, and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, pins, votes, tweets and shares.  Much appreciated!

P.S.  Whatever we want to do – even if it’s rethinking our exit philosophy - will require inspiration.  Take a break and watch this video.  It may help you create a new vision for yourself.

Related Posts:

The Element of Adapting and Its Hope For Thriving Even When Our Life Doesn’t Go in a Straight Line 

The Element of Multiple Paths and Its Hope for Understanding There are Solutions and Answers Out There 

The Element of Expectancy vs Expectations and Its Hope For Less Misunderstandings and Frustration

The Element of Seeing All Problems as Puzzles and Its Hope for Becoming Master Solvers

The Element Of Learning How to Handle Things and Its Hope For Being More at Peace With Ourselves

The Art of Carrying Things Lightly

We have so much to worry about in life.

Our possessions, our finances, our jobs, our health, our children, our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our investments, the economy– things big and small – keep us constantly worried.

A mine can be waiting for us anywhere…in the next relationship, in the next spate of inclement weather, or on the next newscast.

Our world can change in a moment.

And sometimes it does.

But when you think about it, our responses to events and triggers are just habits.

We have not been pre-programmed from birth to respond the way we currently do.

When we were babies, we yelled at the top of our lungs and till we were blue in the face, if we were in discomfort, or if we needed something.

But we grew out of that pretty quickly, didn't we?

If we could do it as a child, what is to stop us now, when we are grown people, and have the capacity to reason?

If we respond in set ways to triggers and events, it’s because we have made it a habit to respond in set ways to triggers and events.

We just have to make up our minds to quit responding in those set ways.

We can re-program our responses at any age, and in any circumstances, and in any area.

Once upon a time, I used to be a rageaholic, getting crazily angry when my buttons were pushed.

But I successfully re-programmed myself.  I discovered rage was a habit and I quit it.

Once upon a time, I used to be hyper hyper-sensitive.

But I successfully re-programmed myself. I discovered being hyper-sensitive was a habit. And I quit it.

Once upon a time, I was a slave to some foods (such as rice) and I had to eat them every day.

But I discovered specific foods were just a habit. And I quit them.  I successfully reprogrammed myself.

Once upon a time, I was unable to be anything but a helicopter mom or a tiger mom.

But I discovered being a helicopter mom and a tiger mom were a habit.  And I quit being either of them.  I successfully re-programmed myself.

Part of successfully re-programming ourselves is learning to carry things lightly.

When you learn to carry things lightly, your responses automatically change.

You stop freaking out.

You stop having over-the-top responses to things.

After all, few things call for a strong response.

An emergency may require a strong response.

An injustice may require a strong response.

It's hard to think of anything else.

Reprogram yourself to carry everything in your life lightly.

Reprogram yourself to carry your success lightly.  You should be able to fly coach, and to stand at a bus stop waiting for a bus. You should be able to wipe down your car, or even your child’s car.

Reprogram yourself to carry your professional status lightly.  You should be able to roll up your sleeves and do anything.  Help your admin assistant clean up after an office lunch, for instance.

Reprogram yourself to carry your job security and job satisfaction lightly. Conditions can change even in the most attractive of jobs or businesses. Your status and responsibilities can get reduced. A new manager might start cracking down. Because of the economy or competitive forces, a job or business, which once seemed secure, can become shaky; a layoff or unexpected circumstances can leave you adrift. Everyone should read the book, The Alliance, by Reid Hoffman to toughen up.  It will help you carry your job security and job satisfaction lightly. The book was written to help you understand that even if your job came with an offer letter and benefits, it really is only a contract without an end-date. Anytime, this contract can end.

Reprogram yourself to carry your relatively lower professional or economic status lightly. If you have not done as well as others and watched people go ahead of you, even though you started out with a clear advantage, be the big person. You should be able to support the success of those more successful than you. The true test of you being able to carry the situation lightly is doing so, without expecting anything in return. With luck, you could get to be the Roy Disney to Walt Disney, the Charlie Munger to Warren Buffett. It's possible.

Reprogram yourself to carry your abilities lightly.  An ability can lose its value. It can lose its relevance or charm. It can get upstaged. It can be lost as a result of a mishap, or as a result of getting older. If your carry your abilities lightly, you will be able to adapt to any new reality, even one that comes at the cost of your professional and financial status. Carrying your abilities lightly means you will be able to be productive, no matter what.

Likewise, reprogram yourself to carry your disabilities lightly.  Some of us are born with a disability; some of us will experience a disability as a result of a mishap, or a series of mishaps. For some of us, a habit can turn into a problem, eventually wreaking havoc with our ability.  And growing older by itself, can strip us of the ability to do certain things.  Whatever the case, we have to learn to carry our disabilities lightly.  Which means we have to live life without becoming bitter, grumpy, irritable and cantankerous.

Reprogram yourself to carry your knowledge and education lightly.  Just because you are smart and capable doesn't mean you will be given the best opportunities. 'Taken opportunities' are sometimes "taken opportunities"; no point hankering for a seat at that table.  You may be relegated to work that is below your knowledge and skill level.  The only ‘sure’ way out of this is to keep changing jobs until you find your sweet spot.  Or else, become an entrepreneur and call the shots.   Otherwise, it’s best to carry your knowledge and skills lightly.  As a consultant, I strive to be maximally useful to my managers, and sometimes it means doing what no one else on the team wants to do.   If the greatest need on a particular day is for a gopher, I volunteer myself.  But Minoo, how will I keep up with my skills and knowledge, if I get stuck doing the low-value stuff.  Yes, if you are stuck doing low value stuff, and you feel you are ready for something more challenging, by all means look for a better opportunity and move on.  In my case, all my assignments are temporary, so I have the confidence that if I don’t get to use my higher level skills at one assignment, I will definitely get to use them at another.  So I never worry about what's happening in the present moment.  It's one of the advantages of being a consultant. If a work situation has you frustrated, I recommend you take a step back and reflect.  If you don't see any value, or future, in what you are doing, bow out and find something more suited to your knowledge and skill level. 

Reprogram yourself to carry your ideas and opinions lightly.  Remember everyone has ideas and opinions, not just you.  And their ideas and opinions are just as legitimate to them, as your opinions and ideas are to you. You shouldn't forever be trying to make a point, or to win converts to your way of thinking.  You should try to see the other side.  You should try to look at the big picture.  For instance, I have observed we are unable to appreciate any social or political changes which benefit the marginalized; except of course, when we are the marginalized ones.  To me the mark of civilization is how a country or society treats its most marginalized citizens. This is what I mean by seeing the bigger picture.

Reprogram yourself to carry your crises lightly.  You should not go “oh my god, oh my god, what am I going to do?” in response to every crisis.  Crises have a way of sorting themselves out.  A year or two later, the memory of the crisis might serve as a lesson, if that.  Recently my car got towed, and I said to Tanita, "Oh my god Tanita, I made the worst mistake of my life.  I parked in the visitor parking in front of the apartments and I got towed”. Tanita answered "Mom, don't be so dramatic. How could that be the worst mistake of your life?" It brought me down to earth.

Reprogram yourself to carry your losses lightly.  I know this is a tough one.  You could lose everything because of an unfortunate event, or sequence of events.  Still you can choose how to respond to that. You could either wallow in self-pity, inaction, or self-destruction.  Or you could make a pact with yourself to put the past behind you, and build your life on what you have left.  It comes down to a choice.

Reprogram yourself to carry your possessions lightly, even if they are expensive possessions such as your house, your valuables, or your car, all of which can be lost or damaged. When people get into accidents, they get into a rage.  Don’t let this be you. Carry the fact of owning a car lightly.  You should understand that being out on the road and driven, your car is ever at risk. If driving stresses you out, find solutions. Also even though you have a car, you should be able to walk, sometimes; you should be able to walk like a mother walks her baby.  Just because you have a car, doesn't mean you have to drive everywhere, and all the time; you can walk, you can take public transport. A baby or child is going to enjoy a walk with their parents, much more than being strapped in a car seat, and they are also ill-equipped to deal with their parents' driving stress.  When Tanita was a baby, and I was still a new driver in the US, I once drove from Oakland to San Jose in a car I was test-driving.  During the 50 mile journey, Tanita’s blanky fell, and she started yelling for her blanky. My response was to yell back, because I was stressed.  Several miles passed with both her and me yelling. Had we been walking and she been in her stroller, I would have just picked up her blanky and said "here you go".

We should carry things lightly because we were meant to “thrive”, not just to survive.

We eat to survive. We eat right to thrive.

We wear clothes to survive.  We look after our bodies and dress right to thrive.

We go to bed at night to survive.  We relax to thrive.

It is important to recognize whether we are doing things just to survive, or doing things to thrive.

Try to introduce more of the “thrive” activities in your life.

It is a sure way to carry things lightly.

Meditation, exercise, involving yourself in a worthwhile cause, and lightening up your schedule are all ways to reprogram yourself in the art of carrying things lightly.  Get busy thriving, rather than just surviving.

I sincerely hope you will take the message of this post - which is to carry things lightly  -to heart.  I believe if each of us does that, we can make life better, not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.

As always, thanks for reading, and have a great day and week….M…..a Pearl-Seeker like you.  Thanks to Ajay and Aarti for their comments on my last post….and thanks to the rest of you for your likes, pins, shares, tweets and votes….much appreciated.

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