The Element of Doing the Things We Don’t Have to Do and Its Hope for Leading a More Fulfilling Life

Recently I read the book Decide by Steve McClatchy.

In this book, he makes a distinction between the things we “have to do” and the things we “don’t have to do”.

The things we “have to do” are those we do out of necessity.

Things such as paying our credit card on time.

If we don’t pay our credit card on time, we will have to pay the piper, namely shell out for exorbitant interest charges.

Likewise, if we don’t pay our rent or mortgage on time……it may be hello bailiff! hello living in our car.

We anxiously rush to do things we have to do, because if we don’t do them, we will suffer consequences.

Cleaning our houses, washing the dishes, mowing our lawns, are all things we “have to do” or pay the consequences. If we let enough time pass, then all sorts of things can happen, as maybe…

(Knock Knock, who’s there?  Hoarders.  Hoarders Who?  Hoarders, the TV show….. are you interested in being on our show?)

Thank heavens life is not only about dirty dishes and things we “have to do”.

It’s also about the poems we want to write, the pictures we want to paint, the songs we want to sing, the new things we want to learn, the places we want to visit, the books we want to read, the things we want to accomplish, the good we want to do in the world - the things we “don’t have to do”, but we want to do - for our own growth, for our own fulfillment, for our own satisfaction.

These are the things McClatchy says, which make life meaningful and satisfying and worthwhile.

Poetry – because we want to do it

My mother lived for her poetry. Even in her worst moments, she was able to find life meaningful and satisfying and worthwhile by writing poetry.

She wrote when she was happy.  She wrote when she was sad.  She wrote when she was healthy.  She wrote when she was sick.  She wrote when there was a special occasion.  She wrote when there was no occasion at all.

My mother never “had to write” poetry. Poetry was not her career and she made no money from her poetry.

But writing was an impulse for Mummy.

It was something she just did, something she liked to do, something she felt compelled to do, something she was born to do, something which sustained her, something she enjoyed doing till the very end of her life.

Here’s one of Mummy’s poems:

Come Live With Me

Come live with me and be my love

I do not yearn for diamond roof

Or golden rings

Or food of royal savour

Or words so grand

But steady companionship

And enlightenment of things

Bold company and warm night air

Moist lips much given to song

Or serenading laugh

Cool summers and full voiced days

And happy fleeting of the merry ways

Poetry is one of those things which needs no justification, no explanation, no reason.

What are the things in your life, which like my mother’s poetry, needs no justification, no explanation and no reason?

Doing more than what is expected of us

In Decide, McClatchy tells of how he was an average student in college, but he was involved in a lot of different on-campus and off-campus activities, including the Big Brother program.

Based on these extracurricular activities, he was asked to give the Valedictorian speech at the graduation ceremony.

He was surprised the honor did not go to the student with the highest grades.

Later, he thought about it and he figured it out.  Those with the highest grades were just doing what was expected of them in life, nothing more….whereas by all his other activities, he had demonstrated he was the kind of person who would do more in life than what was expected of him.

McClatchy got me thinking about all the things I do, which I don’t have to do and the reasons I do them…..

Watching Desperate Housewives

One of them is watching Desperate Housewives with Tanita.  I like Desperate Housewives, but I do not like it enough to watch it on my own.  Yet when Tanita says, “Mum, come watch Desperate Housewives with me”, I drop whatever I am doing (such as getting this blog post ready, or playing Merriam Webster Scrabble Online) and I sit alongside Tanita to watch the antics of Susan, Lynette, Gaby and Brie with her.

Watching Desperate Housewives is something I don’t have to do, but I do it because it makes Tanita happy, and it has become a bonding experience for both of us.

Indeed, some of our most satisfying activities may be the ones we do, not for ourselves, but for someone we love. When we put the interests, wishes and desires of someone we love before our own interests, it can be a joy in itself.

What are the things you can do to strengthen the bonds between you and someone you care for?

Doing What We Love

Then there are all those activities that we don’t have to do, but we do, either because we have a special talent for them, or we have a special fascination for them.

We don’t have to be cajoled to do these activities.  They are what we love to do.

I think of my friend Nadya assembling a gadget.

Or my friend Patty in her garden.

Or my friend Julia working on one of her art projects.

Or my friend Krysia trying out a new recipe.

Or my friend Ajay working on his novel, or writing one of his guest-posts.

Or me reading a book, or writing my blog.

Helping Others

Audrey Hepburn said, “As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”

McClatchy tells us that being a Big Brother was one of his most satisfying experiences.

Helping others is something we never “have to do”.

But we experience a meaningful sense of accomplishment when we help others.

I know I get a kick out of helping people do their taxes, or teaching someone what I know about money.

I created and presented a Money Workshop at my daughter’s elementary school to pass on my knowledge about Earning Money, Saving Money and Investing Money, and it was one of the best things I ever did.

Also, one of the things I now do as a Commissions Consultant, is serve as an Transition Commissions Analyst. I help companies administer commissions on a stop gap basis, and I then do a KT (knowledge transfer) to the permanent analyst who comes on board and takes over from me.  This “grooming of someone else to take over from me” has turned out to be one of the most rewarding aspects of being a Commissions Consultant, and I have made many new friends by doing this.

What are the things you can do to help others?

Conquering a Fear

Sometimes we do something we “don’t have to do” to conquer a fear.

Some years ago, I joined Toastmasters.

I “didn’t have to” join Toastmasters.

Public speaking is not a required skill for a Commissions Analyst, or an SPM Consultant.

Our jobs are behind a desk, crunching numbers, or entering and calculating data in Excel, Centive, Xactly, Callidus or Varicent.

But I joined Toastmasters to conquer a fear.

It was a fear that would raise its ugly head, every time I had to speak up in a room full of people.

By joining Toastmasters and completing my 10 CTM speeches, I came to grips with this fear. In fact, I picked up enough courage to enter and win a contest, taking home a trophy for a speech I gave about a foolish stock market mistake I made.

Is there a fear you would like to conquer?  Can you find a “Toastmasters” solution to that fear, so it does not hold you back  from the things you want to do?

Getting a Grip on Things

When I moved to America, I did not know how to drive.

I could have relied on public transport, but it would have severely limited my opportunities, severely hampered my freedom, and severely impacted my time.

So I am glad I kept at driving, in spite of failing my first written test and my first behind the wheel test.

When I moved to America, I also did not know how to cook.

I could have managed with TV dinners and eating fast food without breaking the bank.

But this would have made my diet very unhealthy.

So I am glad I came to grips with cooking.

It is because I do my own cooking, I can make sure to eat healthy.

Are there areas of your life you feel you should get a grip on?

Improving Our Relationships

I used to be a Tiger Mom.  Then I became a Helicopter Mom.  Tiger Mom and Helicopter Mom were clueless and ineffective.  So Hippie Mom was born. You can read all about it in my post It’s Called Motherhood 2.

I didn’t have to give up being Tiger Mom.

I didn’t have to give up being Helicopter Mom.

In fact, I was quite invested in them.

But wanting to be “in control” of everything was only turning my daughter away from me.

It was only when I became Hippie Mom, I became the parent Dr. John Duffy advises us all to be in the best book I’ve read on parenting by far, “The Available Parent”.  

It’s the Dr. Spock for parenting teens.

I now have a wonderful relationship with my daughter.

If you want to know whether you are an available parent, in the sense Dr. Duffy means, a simple test would be to see if you can tolerate and accept the things Hippie Mom learned to accept and tolerate.

Of course, each child is unique, and if you want to know what you need to learn and accept about your child, you will have to look into your own heart. I am sure you will find the answer there.

Becoming More Knowledgeable

Sometimes we do something we don’t have to do to become more knowledgeable.

This is why we might work on our own cars, even if we have all the money in the world.

I used to go to H&R Block to do my taxes every year.

I did not understand anything about taxes, so I would have to put myself in the hands of the tax preparer assigned to me.

But in 2004, I decided to become knowledgeable about taxes.

It was not that difficult and I found all the information I needed on the internet.

I was able to do my taxes myself on Turbo Tax that year, and I have never looked back.

What could you benefit from becoming more knowledgeable about?

Supporting An Activity We Don’t Care For

When Tanita was around 6 or 7, she asked our neighbor Valarie if she could go to church with her.

This was the beginning of a cherished friendship between Valarie’s family and ours. You can read all about in my post The United States of Friendship Part 6.

Tanita became very involved in church, and even joined the youth choir.

When Valarie became ill and home-bound, I took over the task.

I was still an atheist at the time.

But I would drop Tanita off to church before service and pick her up after.

Eventually, I would experience my own spiritual stirrings and start going into church with Tanita.

Today, when I think back, I am happy I supported Tanita’s desires to attend church, even though, I “didn’t have to” do it. As an atheist at the time, in my heart of hearts, I thought it was a waste of time.

But I am so glad I didn’t take my atheism so seriously, as to deny Tanita the support she needed.

Especially, since she was too young to drive herself to church.

We should respect the desires and wishes of our children, even if they go against our cherished beliefs and ideas.

Besides, we could have a change of heart about those very cherished beliefs and ideas.

I had a change of heart about several cherished beliefs and ideas, as I confess in my post The Element of Moving On and Its Hope for Discovering New Selves. 

Are there areas in your life in which you’ve been unfairly denying support to your child?

Becoming a Better Person

We are not perfect.

But we can all try to become better people.

I used to have anger issues.

In my posts The Path to Change and How Many Times A Day Do You Visit Ireland? I tell you about my struggles with that, and the decision I made to change.

In 2010, I learned to meditate.

My meditation has taken me further on the path to becoming a better person.

Of all our desires, becoming a better person should be top on our list.

And doing the things we have to do to get there, should also be top on our list.

Since I feel strongly about this, I will end this post with a question:

Do you want to become a better person? Yes? Then what are the things you can do, that you don’t have to do, which will get you there?

As always, thanks for reading and have a great day and week.  Thanks to Ajay for his comments on Facebook, thanks to all my Pinterest pinners, and thanks to everyone else for their votes….M ……a Pearl Seeker like you.