What I Love About Life

How we can find common ground even if we are different - I have written about some of the friends I have made in the U.S in a series of posts titled The United States of Friendship. My friends and I found connection even though we were different. Nadya and I (United States of Friendship Part 8) do not have the same backgrounds. We do not have the same political views. We do not have the same views about what to invest in. We do not have the same views about tax deductible accounts such as IRAs and 401Ks. We do not have the same views about debt - she is into using OTM (other people's money) to build assets, I am in to being debt free. Yet we have always been able to find common ground. I can say this about each of my friends. If you read my United States of Friendship series of posts, you will learn that me and my friends were brought together at completely different places - at Goodwill Institute of Career Development, at my apartment complex, at companies we worked together in, at my daughter's elementary school. Being from different countries and backgrounds, and being in different fields of work, was not an obstacle to becoming friends. Having different interests, choices and philosophies was also not an obstacle. My life is richer for this diversity of friendships. It's one of the things because of which I can say "It's a wonderful life"

How conflict can lead to good things - When my daughter started middle school, we could not agree on anything.  I did not like some of the things she was doing, and some of the things she wanted to do. And she did not like my attempts to stop her from doing what she wanted to do. My withholding of money, permission and approval did not make her a happy camper. We did not break out into shouting matches. But the battle lines were drawn. I was the "enemy" in her life. Our ideas and desires were in conflict. But out of this conflict - which lasted several years - was born an awakening. The awakening that I needed to give up my Tiger Mom and Helicopter Mom ways to bring our relationship into balance. The awakening that my "control and disapprove and withhold" strategy was useless, and needed to be shed. I have written a post about this awakening, and how I transitioned from Tiger Mom/Helicopter Mom to Hippy Mom. Hippy Mom, as the name suggests, is a cool mom, someone who could assimilate all the features of the teenage landscape - gauges-in-the-ears-boyfriends, piercings, tattoos, make-up, fake nails, rap music filled with swear words, teepeeing, and what not - without going ballistic, or thinking it was the end of the world, and my daughter was going to hell in a hand basket. My new Hippy Mom approach was a game-changer in my relationship with my daughter. But I did not stop there.  My success with Hippy Mom encouraged me to aim for an even better goal, the goal of being "Lighthouse Mom". I want to be the Mom who my daughter can look to when she's unsure which direction to go - a lighthouse in a storm. My life is richer for growing as a parent.  It's one of the things because of which I can say, "It's a wonderful life."

How you can start somewhere and end up in a much better place - I was a shy awkward child. The shyness and awkwardness continued into my young adult years. I could not carry on a conversation for the life of me. It was a horrible place to be in, when I started dating. When I went out on a date, I felt comfortable only on the dance floor. In fact, you could say dancing saved me, because since the music was too loud on the dance floor to do anything but dance, I was spared of talking. And so I would go entire evenings saying only 20 words - mostly yes, no, I'm fine - escaping to the dance floor as much as I could. Fast forward to today, and I cannot for the life of me connect the person I am today with the shy awkward person I once used to be. Today, there is nothing I enjoy more than conversation. I can talk to friends for hours and hours, and not run out of things to talk about. And I have no problem striking up conversations, even with strangers. If I catch you alone, it is the easiest and most natural thing in the world for me to strike up a conversation with you. This is nothing short of marvelous - I am the mouse that eventually learned to roar - and it couldn't have happened a day too soon considering how important healthy communication is - what a transformation. It's one of the things because of which I can say, "It's a wonderful life."

How even bad experiences are not wasted experiences - In October of last year, Tanita woke up early in the morning with a terrible stomach pain. Mom, she said, I need to see a doctor right away. It was early in the morning. No doctor's offices would be open. So we went to Good Sam Hospital. We walked into the emergency room. Big mistake! The intake person took Tanita's pulse and her heart was racing. Before we could say anything, they put her on a stretcher, took her to one of the ER cubicles and hooked her up to an ekg and drips. A little while later they took her for a CT scan. Nurses popped in every now and then to check how she was doing. And then around noon, a doctor came by to discharge her with these words:"You have stomach flu- make sure to have lots of clear fluids until you are over it."The exorbitant bills (what a rip off) started coming in the mail after a month. That's when we realized what a big mistake we had made by walking into that Emergency Room at Good Sam. In spite of being on a Blue Cross Gold Plan through her employer, Tanita was on the hook for $4000 out of pocket. $4000 out of pocket for stomach flu - it was daylight robbery. We sure learned our lesson from this experience. Never go to the ER - not if you can help it.  Out of the pain of this bad experience, came the opportunity to make wiser choices in the future for both Tanita and myself. I believe how you react to the good things in life is not as important as how you react to the bad things in life (read this post). I am richer for every bad experience in my life, because of the wiser choices that have come out of it. It's one of the things because of which I can say, "It's a wonderful life."

How it's never say never in life - As far back as I can remember, I have been a walker. In my teenage and young adult years, I used to walk our dogs. If a friend wanted to join me on my walks, I was thrilled. But no one wanted to walk as regularly, or as often as I did, so I did a lot of my walking alone. That is until Becky came along 8 years ago. Becky lives close to me. And she and I are on the same page when it comes to walking.  We walk as if our lives depended on it. Indeed, we believe our lives do depend on our walking.  Becky, says that to keep your blood sugar down, you have to eat right, exercise, and take your insulin, do all those 3 things. And I believe that regular exercise is crucial to keeping diabetes and bad health at bay. Besides, walking is one of my favorite things to do. It energizes me. When someone accompanies me on my walks, it energizes me even more. So thanks to Becky, Lyla, Krystyna, Majella, Yongmei, Monica, and everyone else who has accompanied me on my walks. I never dreamed I would find so many enthusiastic walking companions in my life. But life has proved me wrong, in this, and so many other things, I now firmly believe in never say never. And it's one of the reasons I can shout out loud "It's a wonderful life."

How you can come back to fight another day with your gifts and talents -  Like so many immigrants, before I came to America I had a thriving career in one field, which I couldn't break in to, and had to give up after moving to America.  My thriving career was in advertising copy. I had advanced to where I had a small, but thriving creative shop Purple Patch. Writing was my life. I lived for writing and couldn't imagine life without it. The life I couldn't imagine, I got to live soon after I moved to America. I got an opportunity to be a Commissions Analyst, a Sales Compensation role that was a big step up for me. In my first year and a half in America, I was able to land only clerical and administrative assistant roles. I jumped at the chance to do something which would be more challenging and paying, even if it was different from anything I had done in my first career. Under the wing of an angel who believed in me, I rapidly gained competence as a Commission Analyst, and I was proud of it. But in my Commissions Analyst role, other than emails to the sales team to explain how their commissions were calculated, I had little writing to do. It was all numbers. So my writing skills soon began to wane. It came to a point where the fact I had been a successful copywriter, and had worked at so many amazing agencies in India, including MAA and my own creative shop Purple Patch, just became just a quaint factoid. Part of my old life - left behind in another place. I didn't even care to talk about it after a few years. 14 years went by in this way. And then in December of 2010 Santa looked down on me and said "Minoo, Merry Christmas! For Christmas this year, how would you like to get your writing muse back?" And lo and behold on December 27 of that year, I started writing this blog. The writer in me was back. And here we are. It's 2018. And I am still writing. I was so excited when I reached my 100th post, I commemorated it. Flash forward to today. I have written 443 posts.  And people like you honor me by reading them, by clicking on the links I post on Facebook, Google, Twitter, Pinterest and Linkedin. What more could I ask for? And what else could I declare, but…."It's a Wonderful Life!"

It truly is a wonderful life.  And listed above are just a few of the things I love about it.

Your turn…

What do you love about life?

What are the things in your life that make you declare, "It's a wonderful life"?

Be sure to write me about them.

Acknowledgements: Thanks for the feedback, (comments, likes, shares) on my recent posts. I appreciate the kudos from old friends, new friends, and relatives who have become friends. You keep me going.

NEXT, Thanks to all readers, current and future, for sharing my journey to wisdom, meaning, and a better life.  Like you, I am trying to find my way through this complex maze we call life, and I am honored to have you share my journey, as I continue to seek the wisdom hidden in plain sight.

FINALLY, A Happy Birthday shout-out:  to those with November birthdays. I hope you will use your birthday month to kick off an attitude of gratitude. Begin by thinking of all the things you are grateful for, even the bad things that led to some good things, and because of which you are able to say, “It’s a wonderful life”. Focus on what you have, and what is good about everything in your life, even bad experiences and less than ideal circumstances.

To all my readers, have a blessed “doing good for yourself while doing good for others” week, and see you next week. P.S. Many things inspired this post. One of them was this article by Anne Applebaum.

5 Things A High Achiever Can Do To Improve Well-Being

Are you a high achiever who struggles with well-being?

5 things you can start doing right away to improve things

Show more patience - High achievers do not like to twiddle their thumbs.  Unfortunately life throws twiddling your thumbs time at everyone equally.  Life doesn’t say, “Oh here’s a high achiever.  He or she deserves to be spared the frustration of twiddling their thumbs.” Here are some of the things that can frustrate you if you are a high achiever:

·       Computer downtime or any other downtime

·       Waiting on resources

·       Waiting for people to respond to you

·       Bureaucracy

·       Having to deal with sloppy work

·       Dealing with people who are not as serious as you are

All kinds of frustrating things will come between you and your goal. It’s not just at work.  Slow drivers, and people who take an interminably long time at checkout lines can test your patience. You have to learn to develop a healthy response to anything that tests your patience. If you don’t, it will impact your well-being. And you could do and say crazy things. Read my post Mastery and Other Tricks for some ideas on refining your approach.

Related post:  Mastery and Other Tricks

Drop the “my way or the highway” approach to dealing with people - Another thing you may struggle with as a high achiever is getting upset when things are not done your way, or someone doesn’t do exactly what you tell them to do in the time frame you expect. Many people like to talk about the entitlement mentality of other people, not recognizing their own entitlement mentality.  Getting upset when things don’t go your way is an example of that. Here’s one scenario: You tell someone to go do something. You think they should scurry off and get it done as soon as you tell them to. Instead you see them drinking a cup of coffee and having a chat with someone.  This irritates you and you find yourself tapping your foot and marking time until what you have asked for has been carried out. You think you are entitled to an immediate response. But even after this person is back at their desk, they still do not do what you told them to do immediately - save the files to the shared drive, or whatever else you asked them to do. This infuriates you. You get on the phone to them, or on Slack to them, and you say, “Have you saved the file to the shared drive?” Now it’s their turn to get irritated. “I will do it now” they say, trying to keep their irritability down, but they secretly think to themselves, “WTF - why don’t you get off my back”.

There is a name for this kind of thing.  It’s called being high maintenance and being a micro-manager.  More good talents are lost to high maintenance and micro-managing managers than to any other managers.  But besides risking losing your best talents, being high maintenance is also bad for your well-being, because you have all these hot buttons that are so easy to push. Not good for your blood pressure.  Not good for your peace of mind.

Related post:  How To Become a Low Maintenance Person

Delegate and groom others to do what you do - don’t try to be the one and only at what you do - High achievers are notorious for thinking they are better than everyone else, and no one can do what they do. This is related to arrogance or fear – what else can it to be related to? If you think no one else can do the job you do, you are arrogant, because even if you can’t think of anyone else who can do the job, there are other people who think they can do the job, example your competitors. So you have to ask yourself, why do you think no one else can do what you can do?  Is it fear? Are you afraid you won’t know what you will do with yourself, if you accept someone can do what you do? Or do you think it could be dangerous for you – it could jeopardize your status and you could be dethroned.  How could thoughts like this be good for your well-being?  You have a responsibility to grow as a professional, and part of that responsibility is accepting that other people can do the same job as you. You should learn to harness that reality.  It is not good for your health, or your sanity, to think otherwise.

Related post:  The Element of Apprenticeship

Surround yourself with true friends - people who will tell you the truth, not tell you what you want to hear - It is tempting to have people around you that tell you only what you want to hear. But you are going to get further in your goals, and sleep better at night with truth-tellers on your side. You want people who can bring a clear eyed perspective to the issues you are facing, and contribute outside ideas and insights. These are your true friends. Look for sounding boards and truth-tellers and devil’s advocates and those who are not afraid to call a spade a spade.  It will be better for your well-being to have trusted friends whom you can turn to. It will keep paranoia as well as megalomania at the door.

Related post:  The Element of Resonance

Don't beat up yourself for failing - High achievers get mad at themselves for making mistakes - your track record of success may make you forget you are not a god. It's human to fail. It's human to experience failures in one or more areas of your life.  Don't expect everything you are associated with - your kids, your house, your car, to be perfect. Be analytical and logical when things don't go right. Instead of wanting more, more, more of the same, adapt your vision and let your new vision be your guide. This will be healthier for you and equip you better for the long haul.

Related post: The Element of Replacing Expectations with Expectancy

Acknowledgements:

Thanks for the feedback, (comments, likes, shares) on some of my recent posts. I appreciate the affirmations I am on the right track from old friends and new friends, and relatives who have become friends. You keep me going.

NEXT, Thanks to all readers, current and future, for sharing my Journey to Wisdom, Meaning and a Better Life.  Like you, I am trying to find my way through this complex maze we call life, and I am honored to have you share my journey, as I continue to seek the wisdom hidden in plain sight.

FINALLY, A Happy Birthday shout-out: to those with November birthdays.  Hope your birthday month gives you the nudge to become the kind of person you want to be – a model of achievement as well as well-being. Please don't ever think you are too young or too old or too tired to make a change. All you have to do is take the first step and you will be on your way.

P.S. Not sure if you have time, but if you do, you may enjoy these related posts:

How To Become The Kind Of Person People Want To Work With

How to Experience More Job Satisfaction

How to Settle Into a New Job Well

Practical Advice For The Self-Employed Professional

Practical Advice For The Self-Employed Professional

7 Must-Know Things To Become An Unstoppable Force

Must Know 1: The first steps are the hardest

Getting work and developing the money flow may be hard in the beginning. You may come by little or no work. And the money flow may be trickling to non-existent. But you will be  unstoppable if you take the necessary step of building your savings before you take the plunge.  You will need to tap into liquid checking or savings account money to cover your household expenses and financial obligations, until you ramp up. Some people are willing to take the risk of getting by with credit, cash advances on their credit cards, personal loans, and home equity loans. Some people are lucky to have a spouse or parent who can take care of the bills till they ramp up. Since I did not have that advantage, and I did not like the idea of going into debt to pursue self-employment, I went the savings route. I met my expenses through savings. I supported myself using savings for 1.5 years before being self-employed became viable.

Takeaway: The first steps are the hardest.  If you have savings, it will be less hard. Savings will open up choices for you. Savings will make it possible for you to take the plunge into self-employment without first developing it as a side hustle.  The savings game is the best financial game you can play in life.  It leads to peace of mind, it leads to freedom, and it leads to choices. Believe me, you will be able to step into self-employment with so much more confidence if you have savings.

Must Know 2: Self-employment will test your faith in yourself

 Listen up.  Self-doubt is a mental space grabber.  It will quickly occupy your spirit if you let it. If your gig is slow to take off and you don't make progress, it can easily sink your spirits and make you wonder if your past achievements were just dumb luck. So it is important for you to develop a Casey Jr. mindset - of optimism coupled with hard work. You may have to constantly remind yourself of your past achievements.  When I am plagued by self-doubt, I have a 1 person game I play called the Judge and Jury Game which helps me remember and celebrate my past achievements.  I advise you to play the Judge and Jury Game too.

Takeaway:  Keep your spirits up until things take off.  Tell yourself, "I have succeeded before, I can do it again".  Like Casey Jr, you should say "I Think I Can, I Think I Can",until you are able to say "I Thought I Could, I Thought I Could."  Play the Judge and Jury Game to remind yourself of your past accomplishments.

Must Know 3: Keep a ear out (and an open mind) for ideas that will lead to opportunities

 Answer this question truthfully.  Do you mostly think about things you are used to thinking about?  Now answer this question truthfully.  Do you mostly do things you are used to doing? Was your answer "Yes" to both questions?  No surprise. And you may be thinking... what's wrong with that? I'll tell you what's wrong with that. If you think only in ways you are used to, and you do only what you are used to, it may cause you to miss some incredible opportunities which are hiding in plain sight.  To become an unstoppable force, you need all the inputs, advice, and insights you can get.  And this can come only if you keep your eyes and ears open. Even being the introvert and reclusive person I am, I was on high alert for ideas after I walked out of my job in 2010 and had to decide what to do with myself.  An idea presented itself to me in a telephone conversation with my sister Rosie. I was able to find "future freelance gold" in this conversation.  It was because of this conversation, I signed up and paid $3000 to do the 3 day Administrators Course offered by Xactly (only the most popular cloud commission software today). This decision paid off in spades. Shortly after I did the course, the Xactly trainer called me and asked me if I would be interested in working for an Xactly implementation team.  I couldn't believe my ears.  Being on an Xactly implementation team would be a huge step up for me.  The admin course had taught me to drive Xactly, my time with the implementation team would teach me what was under the hood. The combined effect was that when I decided to position myself as an emergency commissions administration resource a year later, I was truly unstoppable.

Takeaway:  Expand your thinking.  Keep an eye and a ear out for new ideas.  If a new idea seems worthwhile, pursue it. If you are a talker, not a listener, learn to listen by developing a Socrates mindset.

Must Know 4: You have to turn an unknown into a known

It is important to establish your ability, your experience, your credibility, your authority and your dependability. When you were part of company X, you didn't have to worry about branding.  X was your branding.  The fact that you were from X company stamped you as someone who could be counted on to deliver the goods.  When you are on your own, you have to prove you can do that without the weight and resources of an established and known name behind you.  You have to turn an unknown into a known. You do that by delivering the goods and doing what you say you will do. You should aim to slowly but steadily establish your ability, your credibility, your authority, your dependability. You should also know that every piece of written and spoken communication communicates messages about you. Make sure they are the right messages. Don't cut any corners.

Takeaway: You have to turn an unknown into a known.  Everything about you must reek of ability, experience, credibility, authority, trust, dependability.

Must Know 5: You have to be good with finances

There are umpteen reasons for this.  For one, you should be prepared to get paid 1-3 months later for any work that you do. This means you should have enough in past earnings and savings to meet your financial obligations and expenses .  You will need to be disciplined about invoicing and following up on payments.  You will also need to understand the taxation side of things.  For instance, if you get 1099 income, you will have to estimate your taxes on that 1099 income and pay the IRS estimated taxes 4 times a year.  If you pay taxes with a spouse, you will have to pay it at the combined marginal rate. You have to be very conservative in your estimates, otherwise you will end up owing a chunk to the IRS when April 15 rolls around the next year. Finally, you have to buy your own health insurance. If you've read some of my past posts, you know the gutsy decision I made regarding health insurance.  In more recent years, I have made myself a little more secure by participating in a Christian health-sharing ministry.

Takeaway: Money flow, invoicing, payments, taxes, health insurance - you have to learn about all these things, or have someone who is capable and whom you can trust take care of it for you.  Do this and you will be unstoppable.

Must Know 6: You have to be client-cherishing

 Flexibility is not just for those who do yoga. Self-employed professionals have to be extremely flexible. Client requirements can vary so much. One wants you there from 9-5, the other doesn't care as long as you meet the milestones. One has a few large projects. Another has many small ones. One needs a lot of hand-holding and explanations, another will get something you tell them instantly.  One will give you a lot of input, another will expect you to figure things out on your own.  Performance standards will be different too. Some will prioritize deadlines over quality, others will prioritize quality over deadlines. And quality will mean different things to different clients. My advice to you is summed up in the following bullets:

o    Be flexible. Go with the flow.

o    If you get an unusual request, wherever possible, tell the client, "Let me think about that" Avoid an off-putting immediate "No. I am sorry. I can't."

o    See all problems as opportunities and as puzzles to be solved.

o    Let constraints spur your creativity.  Some of the best ideas emerge because of constraints.

o    Have a service heart and a servant heart.

o    Communicate with your client as much as you can. Don't make assumptions.

o    Aim to delight and to deliver above and beyond when you can.

o    Value the journey.

Takeaway:  Be flexible. Don't let the unexpected throw you. Go with the flow, adapt, and aim to over-deliver and delight. A service heart and a servant heart, and a client-cherishing focus will serve you well.

Must Know 7: You have to stay the course

 You will experience positive and negative surprises when you are self-employed.  Your challenge is to ignore the negative surprises, and use them as learning experiences - whether it's a bad day, or a burdensome reality, a tax shock, or whatever else. Every time something negative happens to you, watch out for the "Is it worth it?" thought, which is not a productive thought.  Squash this thought like you would stamp a bubble in a sheet of bubble wrap.  Keep a piece of bubble wrap in your office and every time something doesn't go your way, stamp some bubbles in the bubble wrap and shout,  "Go away bad thought" or "Yes, it's worth it." .  Ha ha - just joking.  What I am trying to say, is stick with it - in good times and bad.

Takeaway:  Don't throw up your hands easily.  If you love freedom and want to be your own boss, you have to be able to boss your negative thoughts away.  Find a way to think, "It is worth it", even in your down moments.  And you will be unstoppable.

Now go crush it, Ms or Mr Unstoppable!

Practical Advice From A Professional Job-Hopper:

How To Settle Into A New Job Well  –

9 Off-Putting Things You Should Never Do

1: Criticize Anything

The lack of technology or resources, the lack of perks, the level of noise, the excessive number of meetings, the hoops you have to jump through to get things done … there may be any number of things you find off-putting.  Take my advice: Do not criticize. Learn to bite your tongue.  Resist. You have plenty of avenues (such as online forums) to channel your inner critic. A new job is not one of them.

2: Complain About Anything

Do not complain about anything or anyone - even your commute. Once you have established your value, you can do that. But why would you do that even then?  Develop the good habit of being a non-complainer. And stick with it.

3: Compare Your Present Company With Your Last Company

“In my last company we used to…blah….blah…blah”. Don’t do that.  Don’t make comparisons between your current company and your previous company.  Your peers at your new company might not come right out and say it. But what they will think is, “Why didn’t he just stay in that job – if it was so great?”

4: Boast About How Good You Are

Confidence does not need to be trumpeted. You may be tempted to boast about how good you are. Do not do it. Instead let your work speak for you.  If you are good at what you do, and you have a great work ethic, it will be noticed.  People will say, “What a great work ethic”, “Wow she has such a strong grasp of this”.  You don’t need to toot your own horn as if you are part of the San Jose Symphony.

5: Refuse To Do Anything

Don’t say “I don’t do that” or “I can't do that.” It may be off-putting to discover, you have to take care of some low-level, time-consuming, tedious and professionally non-valuable tasks. You should never outright refuse to do them. Your predecessor may have been doing them. There will come a time – after you have established your value – when you will be able to speak up, and get those tasks switched.

6: Be Unapproachable

Don’t make it such that people can’t approach you. Don't start telling them off if they interrupt you, disturb you, want to engage in a friendly conversation with you, or ask you something for the umpteenth time. The only people who have a right to be unapproachable are geniuses. So unless you’ve been told again and again you are a genius, I would work on being as approachable as you can. Patience will go much further than you ever dreamed of…I guarantee you that.

7: Hold Your Tricks To Yourself And Be Unwilling To Help Team Members

Life is not a zero-sum game.  By helping others, you win. And the person you help wins. Don’t resist sharing your expertise.  More importantly, don’t resent sharing your expertise.  Become known as the “go to” person, the one with the expertise.  Don’t let your mind spin on things like “Oh, she shouldn’t be asking me this – she is in a senior position – she should already know this”. Steer away from those thoughts.  Be happy to be the go to person, the super user, and the one who people turn to. It’s better to be ahead, rather than behind.  It establishes you as being an authority. And that my friend is an opportunity, not a liability.

8: Cause A Nuisance To Any Of The People Who Sit Around You

Some obvious things to avoid - being loud, being obnoxious, taking people’s stuff without asking them, leaving dirty plates around. Be sensitive to the needs of the people around you. It will serve you well.

9: Have Long Lunches And Leave Early

Taking long lunch breaks, leaving office early, taking time off, being late to meetings, and such - these are things to do only after you prove your value. This should be obvious to most of you, but it helps to restate it.

That wraps up the 9 off-putting things you should never do - if you want to settle into a new job fast and well.

So tell me - how do you stack up?