A Guide to Dealing With the Sheldons in Your Life (Particle 5)

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Q: How to frustrate Sheldon’s attempts to ridicule you...

A: Find a Penny

Leonard: So, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: [stares at Sheldon in utter confusion] Participateinthewhat?
Leonard: [scrambling to save face] I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Q: How to pull the rug from under Sheldon’s feet...

A: Find a Penny

Sheldon Cooper: [He and Penny both have the flu] How did this happen? I'm so careful with my health, I avoid physical contact with others as a general principle.
[Remembers when he hugged Penny]
Sheldon Cooper: It was you! You did this!
Penny: Happy Valentine's Day.

Q: How to Get Sheldon to Obey...

A: Find a Penny

Penny: Okay, here's the deal: you either you help me throw Leonard a birthday party, or so help me, God, I will go into your bedroom, and unbag all of your most valuable, mint-condition comic books and, on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny little happy face in ink.
Sheldon Cooper: You can't do that! If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, of course I... Oh... Hey, I have an idea: let's throw Leonard a kick-ass birthday party!

Q: How to get back at Sheldon for insulting you...

A: Find a Penny

Sheldon Cooper: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
Penny: Really? They're gonna make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard] I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?

Q: How to frustrate Sheldon’s attempt to ridicule you again and again...

A: Find a Penny

Leonard: How did you know my birthday's Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember? I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon Cooper: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Penny: Blah, blah, blah, a typical Taurus.

P.S.1:  More of this good stuff is available on The Big Bang Theory on CBS on Thursdays at 8 p.m.  

P.S.2. Don't forget to read the other posts in this series, Particle 1, Particle 2, Particle 3 and Particle 4. Yes, you can get a 5 for 1 of Sheldon right here, right now.

P.S. 3:  You know how you wish you thought about something earlier.  I wish I thought about Sheldon back when I was doing my Christmas posts, Dear Santa and Occupy North Pole.  I might have found a way to weave this Sheldon Christmas puppy in:

Penny: Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree?
Sheldon Cooper: No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Penny: Saturnalia?
Howard Wolowitz: Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
Sheldon Cooper: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
Howard Wolowitz: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.

Or this Sheldon Christmas puppy in:

Stuart: Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
Stuart: [Bewildered] I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch unto Christmas.

P.S. Hope you enjoyed the bonus Christmas jokes! Chuck Lorre, if you are the one writing these Sheldon jokes, you're the man! 

P.S. As always, thanks for reading and wishing you, spoiler alert, a mind-blowing 2012!