Move away from unhealthy
communication.
Let me explain what I mean by that.
Silence, lies, and
secrets are all forms of shadow communication.
Hiding is a form of deception.
Keeping the truth from someone is
unfair. It does not give the other
person a chance to address or correct the situation. It denies the other person
the opportunity of taking appropriate action.
We can hide information, activities, plans, reasons; we can also hide the truth of our feelings, or hide the truth of our fears or resentments.
We can hide information, activities, plans, reasons; we can also hide the truth of our feelings, or hide the truth of our fears or resentments.
I very recently made the decision to start telling people the truth more.
Hopefully when I do so, people will know it's because I
care, not because I want to hurt them.
I realize, if I prefer it when people tell me the truth,
even if it is unpleasant and hurtful sometimes, other people will prefer I told them the truth too.
I have also decided to stop guessing at other
people’s truths.
It's better to come right out and ask them.
I don’t have to ask them what’s their age, or how
much money they make – I am not talking about sensitive subjects.
But if something is bothering me, and it is
connected with something someone said or did, I have decided it's better to come right out and address the subject.
I do not want to beat around the bush. I do not want to guess at motives and
reasons, or for other people to guess at my motives and reasons. I want to stop guessing games between me and other people altogether.
A funny guessing story happened
to me back in 2008.
Let me tell you about it.
A good friend was perplexed.
This was because I typically called her at least once every
other month.
But in 2008, I did not call her for a noticeably long time.
She brought it up with her husband, saying,
“I wonder what’s up with Minoo. I haven't heard from her in a while.”
To which her husband replied, “There can be only one explanation.”
My friend was curious and asked, “What is the explanation? ”.
“Minoo has a boyfriend. She is busy with him, and has no time for anything else”.
My friend put paid to the idea: “Minoo, no way. She has been a
committed single for such a long time. No
way! ”
Her husband persisted with the argument.
“I’m willing to bet it's the reason”.
The seed of suspicion was planted in my friend’s mind, and
now she couldn’t wait to find out whether it was the truth.
Sooner or later, she contacted me, and we made a date for a girl’s lunch.
The day arrived and we found ourselves at Sweet Tomatoes, a place we like to go to, when we have the willpower to eat healthy.
So there we were at Sweet Tomatoes, chatting away about this,
that and the next thing, but there was no ”boyfriend
talk” from my side.
My friend couldn’t contain herself any longer.
She said “Minoo,
since we hadn’t heard from you for a while, I wondered what was up. My husband thought you may have a boyfriend. I laughed and told him there was no chance."
When I heard this, I started laughing uproariously.
I slapped the table, “You thought I had a boyfriend. Ha Ha. You thought I had a boyfriend. You want to know what the real reason is, what I have been busy with?
You are not going to believe this.”
I paused for dramatic effect.
“I have been obsessed with the election. I have been spending every free minute
watching election-related programs on TV, and doing election-related research on
the internet."
She was taken aback, and I knew she would be.
“Politics? I have
never known you to be interested in politics.”
“I know,” I
said. “But there’s this guy called Obama
and….”
I enthusiastically shared some of the information I had picked up on.
This is the way life is, right. People are dynamic, they are not static.
Our interests can change, our philosophies can change.
And, as I shared with you in
my post Lessons From My Life - 10 Things You Can Learn From My Experience, our positions on the left-right
spectrum, and on the spiritual-non spiritual spectrum, can also change.
Simultaneously, while I was getting more
spiritual, a friend of mine went in the completely opposite direction. From
being a person who said, “I am not afraid to say I love Jesus”, she became a
vociferous advocate of atheism.
Because I had been an atheist for most
of my life, people were suspicious about my spiritual awakening.
When I started going to Bible Study every Friday night, someone who has known me almost all of my adult life, tried to tease
out the truth of what he believed was my motivation: “You are going for the pot-luck dinner, aren’t you?”
I was shocked to hear him say that. I thought he knew me better than that.
But was I glad to hear him say that?
Oddly enough, yes. I like to know where people are coming from, and what they think. I would never have
dreamed, he of all people, would think I was going to Bible Study for the food.
It gave me a chance to have a debate with
him.
I discovered he thought those who went
to church did it just to dress up and to socialize and have fun.
He felt his form of worship - direct
prayer to the God of his faith -was more meaningful.
There was no priest, no middle man,
making money off of religion.
I told him that everyone who is faithful,
whatever the faith, believes themselves superior to people of other faiths.
And just as he believed he was superior to me,
I believed I was superior to him, because I had read more than 100 spiritual books
of different faiths, and it was a more intellectual decision.
Though he argued with me vociferously at the time, the next time we met, he said something to me, which indicated he had seen the light about considering any form
of worship superior to another form of worship.
Now this is what I call healthy communication.
It is to communicate in order to understand other people, and to
seek to be understood by other people in turn.
Can you show others understanding through your communication?
It doesn’t cost you anything to say “I understand.”
Or “Oh, I see. I never looked at it that way”.
How much does it cost to say “I love you”.
Or to say“I am sorry.”
And yet we withhold some of the simplest and
most life-giving things we can say.
Change your communication.
Move from people-pleasing, approval-seeking,
people-berating communication to people-enhancing communication.
Move from unhealthy communication to healthy communication .
Don’t be afraid to ask questions.
Don’t be afraid to ask stupid
questions.
And don’t be afraid to ask important questions.
Socrates, one of the greatest
communicators of all time, was so successful as a communicator, because he was not afraid to ask questions.
Don’t ask questions only to steal
the conversation back and pipe in with your own commentary and narrative.
Become a good listener. Good
listeners leave the conversation making the other person feel good, energized
rather than exhausted.
Want to be complimented on what a good
conversationalist you are?
Improve your listening skills.
Attentive listening will enable you to
ask thoughtful, meaningful questions, the kind of questions that show you
“understand” and “seek to understand even more”.
Pay attention to the quality of your
questions. You should not have a conversation to feel good about yourself at
another person’s expense, to prop up your ‘holier than thou’ attitude, or to
seek gossipy information for its own sake.
Start observing how you communicate.
And start observing the effect of your
communication on other people.
The effect is the touchstone.
If the effect is turning people away, it is
clearly wrong.
Take a new approach.
Healthy communication is unifying and
inclusive, and advances your goals.
Unhealthy communication is divisive and
sets you back.
And remember, everything you do communicates.
Every gift you give, every appointment or
promise you make or you break, even your time priorities.
Think about all these things.
Don’t worry if you are awkward, and
an introvert who is intimidated by communication.
I was that way for most of my life.
I was super awkward with all forms of
communication, except written communication.
My family can tell you numerous funny
stories.
I have not shaken the awkwardness entirely,
but I am getting better all the time.
At least, I don’t freak out when someone
points out my communication bloopers to me.
Like when my friend Becky observed I
never say bye when I hang up at the end of a phone call.
I was taken aback. I did not know I did that.
Luckily she knows me well enough not to
mind.
Letting people get to know you well enough, getting past the unfamiliarity, is the best strategy for awkward introverts.
The more you get to know people, and the more they get
to know you, the easier communication gets.
This is the gift that lasting friendships give
us, such as the friendships I have celebrated in my United States of Friendship posts.
I am glad I am able to communicate with you
in this blog, dear reader. It enables me to share my thoughts with you, even though I can’t
speak with you in person.
Before I end this post, I
would like to encourage you to challenge yourself to improve your
communication.
Recognize when you handled a
situation well, and when things do not go well, do an “after conversation” review to see what you could have done better.
What my experience shows, is
that in challenging situations, very rarely, will an immediate verbal, written,
or action response be the right response.
The right response will come
to you when you’ve given yourself sufficient time to think through the
situation.
So do this as often as you can
– give yourself time to formulate a response.
Cheers to tackling your
communication challenges in a more effective way…it will reap you rich rewards, and what's more, it is essential to a satisfying life.
Acknowledgements:
Thanks for the feedback, (comments, likes, shares) on Part 1 through 10
of this series. I appreciate the kudos from old friends, new friends, and
relatives who have become friends. You keep me going.
NEXT, Thanks to all readers, current and future, for sharing my journey to wisdom,
meaning, and a better life. Like you, I am trying to find my way through
this complex maze we call life, and I am honored to have you share my journey,
as I continue to seek the wisdom hidden in plain sight.
FINALLY, A Happy Birthday shout-out: to those with September birthdays. I
hope you will use your birthday month to mark a turning point in your life, in
as many areas of your life as needed, including your communication, if that is a
pressing area. Healthy communication is a habit worth developing. But remember,
you will not be able to develop that habit, if you are not committed to it, and
if you do not apply yourself consistently, time after time, event after event,
situation after situation.
To all my readers, have a blessed “doing good for yourself while
doing good for others week, and see you next week.
P.S. Not sure if you
have time, but if you do, you may enjoy these other posts:
Friendships
The United States of Friendship – Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6,Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12
Family
Our Cake Boss Family, Family Songs, The Nightdress Brigade, Family Advice I Am Grateful For, The Porki And Bonkers Tradition, No Need for 23 and Me,Letters to Lucas, Flying Lessons
Pets
A Fresh Perspective on Pets, Secrets of The Super Models In Our Family,BowWow, Meoww, Why You Should Not Abandon Your Pet
Nature
Hobbies
Managing Your Money
Yoga for Investors, How to Turn Your Girl Scout or Cub Scout Into a Stock Scout, Financial Piece of Mind, Financial Piece of Mind – Part Deux, A Retirement Planning Formula You Won’t Find on Oprah
Simplifying Your Life
You know what Wesabi is, How About Wabi Sabi? The Simple Life, The Element of Simplicity and Its Hope for Living a More
Satisfying Life
Getting Over Your Self-Consciousness
The Element of Release From Inhibition, The Element of Being Less Self-Centered and Its Hope for Seeing
Things in The Correct Light, The Element of Getting Out of Our Comfort Zone and Its Hope For
Experiencing More of What Life Has to Offer
Learning to Laugh
How To Deal With The Sheldon Coopers in Your Life – Part 1, Part 2, Part 3,Part 4, The Nightdress Brigade, You Aced the SAT, How About the LAT?, How To Cause Atmost Confuzen at the Scripps Spelling Bee, How To Go From Madonna to Lilly to Myrtle in The Course of A
Single Evening - And Even Have a Sex Change, A Facebook Face-Off, A Short Stint in Advertising
Learning to Relax
How To Become a Low Maintenance Person, Connected Minds, How To Become The Kind of Person People Want to Work with, How Many Times a Day Do You Visit Ireland? The Art of Carrying Things Lightly
Health
Raising the Bar, 4 Healthy Eating Ideas I Learned from My Friend Julia, The Element of Becoming More Focused and Precise In Our Goals
and Its Hope for Achieving Powerful Results
Pursuing A Dream
What’s Next For You? The Element of The First Step and Its Hope for Getting Big
Things Started In Our Lives, She Victories
Changing in Good Ways
Maybe Its Time To Become More Receptive, Maybe It’s Time To Live More Purposefully, Maybe It’s Time To Bust Some Myths, Maybe It’s Time to Walk In The Direction Of Your Fears, Maybe It’s Time To Understand What Freedom Is, Maybe It’s Time To Turn the Page, Maybe It’s Time To Rock The World, Maybe It’s Time For Freshness
